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Coming up on a sexless anniversary


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 4th October 2017, 4:10 PM   #16
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We've had rough times in 18 years been to MC and IC.
I'm still seeing a IC partly because of this issue.
Ok so what are those issues that have occurred in your marriage?
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Old 4th October 2017, 4:21 PM   #17
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It sounds like a minor thing….

But can you ditch the separate chairs and get a love seat or a couch to enjoy together?

You said you were an introvert – gotta man up, use your words and start communicating.

I am the high drive / NEEDS touch etc half the relationship. He is naturally a bit more aloof physically.

And you know what? I TOLD him, I explained to him in easy to understand terms that I NEED touch. How it comforts me, how it makes me feel connected, how it reduces my stress, how it makes me feel loved. That its something I need from him. And he loves and cares about me – so he makes more of an effort, or at least indulges my advances.

For a while we had the living room configured in a way that we would often end up on separate couches. He would be on a smaller one that was easier to watch TV from, meanwhile I like to stretch out with a book. But I HATED being “away” from him like that while relaxing.

So, I reconfigured the room – big ol’ L shaped couch. Now he can watch TV, and I can lay back, kick up my feet and rest my head on his lap – or just be near to him (I am like a golden retriever – keep a hand on my head and I am happy). Can you change things around so you two aren’t “apart” while sharing the same space?

What have you done to explain to her how important physical touch is to you – and WHY you need it. I recommend reading up on the “5 love languages” and see what yours is – and importantly try to figure out what hers is.

Now as far as showing her affection – If she isn’t feeling sexy, I don’t think grabbing her ass is going to do it. How often do you hold each other tenderly? How often do you make her feel like you admire her? That you NEED her?
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Old 4th October 2017, 6:51 PM   #18
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Why did nth thinking grabbing your butt is romantic or affectionate?

It really isn't.. I hate it, but my husband doesn't take me seriously and still does it.

Try a massage... a shoulder rub...
Foot rub.. no grabbing a** or boobs.

You need to ask if her if the lack of sex is an issue for her. If it's not, then nothing will change.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:06 AM   #19
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Why did nth thinking grabbing your butt is romantic or affectionate?

It really isn't.. I hate it, but my husband doesn't take me seriously and still does it.

Try a massage... a shoulder rub...
Foot rub.. no grabbing a** or boobs.

You need to ask if her if the lack of sex is an issue for her. If it's not, then nothing will change.
Apologies typo above. Should be ....

Why do men think
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:08 AM   #20
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We've discussed before about making time for each other, no electronics after a certain time...has never seemed to lead anywhere.
Why didn't it lead anywhere? Was it just her that wasn't interested in spending time together, or was it partly you as well?

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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
Why did nth thinking grabbing your butt is romantic or affectionate?

It really isn't.. I hate it, but my husband doesn't take me seriously and still does it.
I'm concerned that your husband still does that even after you've explicitly told him you hate it.

Personally, I'm a fan of it when I'm already in the mood for teasing or other low-key foreplay. It's not at all bad for me! But it's certainly not a substitute for actual romance/affection. Also, I only enjoy the more "risque" stuff like butt-grabbing if the relationship is already otherwise good in the romance/non-sexual affection/love and care department.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:13 AM   #21
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Sorry to say but this rarely reverses itself - or not fully.

If there is not some significant reason on your end (your a bad husband or what ever) then its her...and getting her to change is hard.

Your first thought is "well I am a good husband, so I will either be better, or complain, or beg, or ....." to get her to change back.

But what happens is YOU need to change up the equation on your side. There are books from Athol Kay on this - but in a nutshell you need to start acting as though you just became single. No not cheat - but update yourself as though you were putting yourself on the market again - loose some weight, update the clothes, become confident and flirty with women, less dependent on her (and giving towards her), involve yourself (alone) in some social activities outside the home. She needs to see you with fresh eyes, and kind of competitively among other females.

Now I am not saying your go chase other women (your married) but what I am saying is you might join a bowling league, or a charity community group, or a book club, or something that has women on it - and you go have some fun one or twice a week... with out her. Sometimes a little separation and independence, and new activities and thinking... makes a difference for both of you.

I am not saying this is going to work either - but the plus side is your trying some new things and activities on your own - growing and exploring...and not sitting at home being rejected or unloved by your wife. You have value - go find it. Also in the worst case if your marriage ends due to her selfish sexless behavior - you have a new life with interesting things to do .. already going.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 5th October 2017 at 6:17 AM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:03 AM   #22
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I've left notes, cards, small gifts. I call her sweet things, make sure to kiss her good morning before I leave the house. I know she likes laughing, I'll make her laugh, be goofy in and out of public.

I've made the the bathroom and bedroom look like something from a magazine or movie, and offered hot baths and massages.

I feel like I've made herculean efforts to get nothing in return. I've honestly given up on them.

I've read MMSL, actually started reading it again last week. I think that's the route I'm going.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:38 AM   #23
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I am in a similar boat, just not as long, but I feel like I'm headed down a path of no return. I have fought and scraped to keep our sex life alive, but in the end my efforts have been futile. I have given up. In the end, what is the point? I can't force someone to want intimacy if they don't.

I don't know your situation but mine is a marriage with extreme stress and financial issues. I have contributed to some of it by making mistakes. But our marriage is one that things have deteriorated due to poor decisions and now we are in a situation where there's no margin for error. When every mistake is seemongly fatal, fingers get pointed and blame apportioned. It's no way to live and we are on a hiding to nothing.

I have raised these issues with my wife. She has a millions excuses for why she doesn't want to be intimate. She always says that when I bring it up it puts pressure on her and doesn't help my cause. Up until 5 months ago when I gave up all together, I would ask for sex with varying degrees of success. Sometimes she'd say yes and seemingly get into it, but as became more frequent it was no, or she'd just roll over and say "stick it in".

My last straw was after she agreed, rolled over but lay deliberately in a position which severely compromized my ability to effectively penetrate. I kept asking what is wrong, why are you lying like that. It was the worst sexual experience I've had. I haven't said a word since, I haven't asked, and my wife has just carried on as though everything is normal. I feel like if I don't ask again we'd go for 20 years without doing it.

I won't last that long in this relationship, or even remotely close to that long.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:35 AM   #24
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I've left notes, cards, small gifts. I call her sweet things, make sure to kiss her good morning before I leave the house. I know she likes laughing, I'll make her laugh, be goofy in and out of public.

I've made the the bathroom and bedroom look like something from a magazine or movie, and offered hot baths and massages.

I feel like I've made herculean efforts to get nothing in return. I've honestly given up on them.

I've read MMSL, actually started reading it again last week. I think that's the route I'm going.
This sounds like the problem might not be with the acts of romance/affection, then.

How was your sex life before this? Did she enjoy herself when you two were having sex?
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Old 5th October 2017, 10:25 AM   #25
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What about the hormonal / menopause / pre-menopause idea?
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Old 5th October 2017, 10:30 AM   #26
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I've left notes, cards, small gifts. I call her sweet things, make sure to kiss her good morning before I leave the house. I know she likes laughing, I'll make her laugh, be goofy in and out of public.

I've made the the bathroom and bedroom look like something from a magazine or movie, and offered hot baths and massages.

I feel like I've made herculean efforts to get nothing in return. I've honestly given up on them.

I've read MMSL, actually started reading it again last week. I think that's the route I'm going.

Yep that stuff above does not usually work. As men we hear that if we help out more around home, nicer, reduce her stress, romantic, etc.. the wife will get hot and bothered. Rarely.

I have read the same from women who dealt with husbands who lost interest - trying sexy clothes, romantic dinners, etc...

MMSL and Athol Kay are the way to try for now.
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Old 5th October 2017, 11:11 AM   #27
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This sounds like the problem might not be with the acts of romance/affection, then.

How was your sex life before this? Did she enjoy herself when you two were having sex?
Sex life was decent for a long time. We had kids, she had post parting, recovered, sex was ok, we made a cross country move both got depressed, I was drinking too much, sex really suffered, we both made recoveries, and moved again, but sex hasn't recovered.
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Old 5th October 2017, 11:17 AM   #28
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Isn't going a year without sex grounds for divorce?

Should be if it isn't.
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Old 5th October 2017, 12:11 PM   #29
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Yep that stuff above does not usually work. As men we hear that if we help out more around home, nicer, reduce her stress, romantic, etc.. the wife will get hot and bothered. Rarely.
I don't believe anyone has said that. Being a terrible partner does significantly decrease your chances of a good sex life, but that doesn't mean that being a decent partner automatically ensures that you have an amazing sex life. When it is suggested that someone do stuff that an adult in an adult relationship is generally expected to do (like "help out" in the house that you also live in), the assumption is that that might be the bottleneck preventing them from having a good sex life. Of course, it might not be.

You need a good relationship to have a good sex life, but that's not the ONLY thing needed. You also need to be sexually compatible with your partner, to give them a good time in bed and vice versa, to communicate about what each of you enjoys, etc.

This goes for both men and women - women aren't guaranteed a great sex life either just by being a decent partner, btw. Certainly not when you consider that frequency isn't the only thing that matters, not by a long shot.

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Sex life was decent for a long time. We had kids, she had post parting, recovered, sex was ok, we made a cross country move both got depressed, I was drinking too much, sex really suffered, we both made recoveries, and moved again, but sex hasn't recovered.
Ah, okay. That is a pity. Has the MC and IC helped in any way?
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:43 PM   #30
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As you know you aren't the only 50+ man going through sexual rejection and apathy from a post-menopausal wife. Over a year ago I finally told my wife we were through sexually when after a six month gap she started acting like she wanted sex. That episode would have been the second time in a year.

I had been the band older, back and foot rubber, kisser for too long to tolerate it any longer. I just made sure she knew in advance that she shouldn't expect
Such attention any longer. She cried but I went back to doing what task I had been doing.

I feel better about myself after this confrontation. Like you I was being rejected too offer to feel good about myself.

But if you could menup with a solution bottle it and make
Millions. Call it Love Potion Number Nine.
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