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Old 25th September 2017, 9:28 PM   #1
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Married to a roommate

Ive been with the same man for 20 yrs. Im 41. He's a wonderful man and very good to me. Any girl would love to have a husband like mine.
Expressing myself here is going to be difficult for me. Im a private person but i would love some imput or advice.
I have done lots of research and feel that many end up in the place that my relarionship is. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
1. I feel we are growing apart. He's an introvert so he doesnt express what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Our conversation are simply day to day, what needs done or how was work.
2. We have (like many) fell into a routine. Day in and day out its the same routine.
3. The only time he has ever asked me to do something with him is if it involves bringing your spouse (christmas party etc..) or if the calander says so (valentines day etc.. ) or I express i need it or schedule it myself. other than that, hes never asked me to do anything.
4. He has terrible follow through.
5. I'm 100% more sexual than he is. I want to explore more dbsm and he's vanilla. Our sex is very much one sided, we do just enough to get him off and were done.

So now that I've pointed out my major issues, I'll explain in a little more detail.
I have spent the last 10 yrs having in depth difficult conversations (every 4 to 6mo) about concerns with our relationship, or what I'm needing or wanting to work on. I've expressed my concern about him not ever wanting to do anything with me and expressed why i need that. I also expressed the importance of us having vulnerable conversations and the need to have an open honest relationship. I have also expressed my concern about our sex life, how its become lazy and one sided.
We have a good honest relationship but not an open one because hes an introvert.
He's completely happy with our relationship, I'm the unhappy one. The last 2 yrs i have given up on trying to talk to him. I had my first (lets talk) convo about 2 months ago and like all the other (2hrs or longer convo) nothing changes. During this convo i told him i simply feel done. I dont have any more try in me. Im simply trying to hold on till our last child is out of the house and i dont kmow if ill make it. (freshman in high school.) I told him i dont feel i have an emotional connection with him any more and I feel we are going down different paths. Our relationship is no different than having a room mate with benefits. Except im not getting anything from the benefits...

About 6yrs ago he reluctantly agreed for me to chat online and get some very much needed emotional (lack of better word) communication and chat to sexually minded people. That's gotten me through this far.

Im not getting any younger and even though i dont want a separation and i really want to find a way to compromise things... however, i really dont see things ever changing because nothing has during all the years ive tried.. things went well for a couple of days.. and looking back, honestly i dont think anything changed other than me feeling good about getting it off my chest and hopeful for some change or effort per our conversation of him trying. Which it never happened, nothing changed. I honestly think he thinks its a phase or I'll get through (over this) this and he's riding it out. Or he doesnt ever see me leaving.. i dont know because he doesnt express himself.
I have options...
1a. I could stay, live a unhappy comfortable life so everyone around me isnt effected by my selfishness. Its really not a bad life, i would just be extremely lonely. But then again..
2a. If i leave.. i could be in the same boat or worse. End up with someone terrible or be alone the rest of my life.
3a. I could hang in there till graduation and then move out.. my kids didnt ask for this and i dont want to effect them. Move out, lvie seperate see how things go. See if we should divorce.
4a. I could cheat, compromise my morals for a temporary bandaid. I dont believein cheating, i also dont judge those who do. But if you love someone you should have those difficult convos.
5a. I could seek council or a retreat for one last ditch effort, even though research and myself dont think it will help.
6a. I could again ask for a fwb to get that emotional commection amd sexual gratification i need.

The other issue.. im so bitter over the last several years that i have not been very nice to him. Just about everything he does irritates me. In no way shape or form do i feel any of this is his responsibility. I'm the unhappy one and only i can make myself happy. I know this. I'm angry because i want thinga to work, I didn't get married to divorce. That said, in order for things to work i need him to participate and try.
The other issue besides me being bitter.. im also the type of person that chooses the safe choice. So i would tend to stay because its the safe thing to do but not fair to him either. If i stay than i will be bitter and lose more of myself.. which is normal for me, I'm a mom and wife i give up my needs for them gladly. Its who I am and prefer that but i need to know and feel I'm important and wanted and i dont.

I'd greatly appriciate any insites on this mess.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:37 PM   #2
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Seems to me your first four sentences are at odds with the rest of your post.

In your don't sound as if you're in love with your husband and you don't seem to be describing a man any girl would love to have for a husband.

Yet you say you're in love with him and any girl would love to have a husband like yours.

Why do you think your post contradicts itself?
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:47 PM   #3
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I don't believe my post contradicts itself. I wanted to point out that he is a wonderful man. Im not here trying to make him look bad because he IS a wonderful man, I'm looking for advice. He does anything I ask. We get along great. He doesnt lie to me. He doesnt beat me. He hasnt cheated on me. Etc... Yes i feel almost any girl would love to have him for a husband.

I didnt think I had to explain this but here you go...
Everyone has things they can live with and things they can't live without. Everyone is different. The things i feel i need in my relationship someone else may be perfectly happy with. I'm not. Those other people may enjoy having someone that only wants sex every 7 to 10 days. Those people may be perfectly fine planning everything. Im not.

.

Last edited by Anah; 25th September 2017 at 10:06 PM..
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:08 PM   #4
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I do hope you get some good advice, Anah!

To me the way you describe your husband doesn't sound as if he's someone any girl would like for a husband as, from your post, he seems disconnected and unwilling or unable to function as an intimate partner. Not sure how that equates to a man any girl would want to be married to. Who wants that? Seems to me most women are wanting someone who is involved, who invites them to go places together with him, who wants to have sex. That doesn't sound like your husband to me.

Actually, from what you've written in the main body of your post it seems you have analyzed the situation well as to what you can expect if you go or if you stay.

Can you be more specific about what you're looking for in comments on your post? Are you processing your thoughts here so that you can get support in making a decision to leave? Or wanting folks to assess whether you should go or stay from other posters' points of view?
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:23 PM   #5
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You already stated your thoughts and opinions on my post in which i responded. So I'm not sure what you planned to get from repeating yourself or having me repeat myself.
How he is with me, may differ from how he may be with someone else based on their wants and needs.
My purpose for coming here isnt to lay out my entire private life which is why i didn't paint the picture you seem to be requesting. Guess your going to have to take my word for it when i say hes a wonderful man.

[]

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 26th September 2017 at 10:23 PM.. Reason: Lack of civility and respect ~6
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:26 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anah View Post
Ive been with the same man for 20 yrs. Im 41. He's a wonderful man and very good to me. Any girl would love to have a husband like mine.
Expressing myself here is going to be difficult for me. Im a private person but i would love some imput or advice.
I have done lots of research and feel that many end up in the place that my relarionship is. I'll try to make this as short as possible.
1. I feel we are growing apart. He's an introvert so he doesnt express what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Our conversation are simply day to day, what needs done or how was work.
2. We have (like many) fell into a routine. Day in and day out its the same routine.
3. The only time he has ever asked me to do something with him is if it involves bringing your spouse (christmas party etc..) or if the calander says so (valentines day etc.. ) or I express i need it or schedule it myself. other than that, hes never asked me to do anything.
4. He has terrible follow through.
5. I'm 100% more sexual than he is. I want to explore more dbsm and he's vanilla. Our sex is very much one sided, we do just enough to get him off and were done.

So now that I've pointed out my major issues, I'll explain in a little more detail.
I have spent the last 10 yrs having in depth difficult conversations (every 4 to 6mo) about concerns with our relationship, or what I'm needing or wanting to work on. I've expressed my concern about him not ever wanting to do anything with me and expressed why i need that. I also expressed the importance of us having vulnerable conversations and the need to have an open honest relationship. I have also expressed my concern about our sex life, how its become lazy and one sided.
We have a good honest relationship but not an open one because hes an introvert.
He's completely happy with our relationship, I'm the unhappy one. The last 2 yrs i have given up on trying to talk to him. I had my first (lets talk) convo about 2 months ago and like all the other (2hrs or longer convo) nothing changes. During this convo i told him i simply feel done. I dont have any more try in me. Im simply trying to hold on till our last child is out of the house and i dont kmow if ill make it. (freshman in high school.) I told him i dont feel i have an emotional connection with him any more and I feel we are going down different paths. Our relationship is no different than having a room mate with benefits. Except im not getting anything from the benefits...

About 6yrs ago he reluctantly agreed for me to chat online and get some very much needed emotional (lack of better word) communication and chat to sexually minded people. That's gotten me through this far.

Im not getting any younger and even though i dont want a separation and i really want to find a way to compromise things... however, i really dont see things ever changing because nothing has during all the years ive tried.. things went well for a couple of days.. and looking back, honestly i dont think anything changed other than me feeling good about getting it off my chest and hopeful for some change or effort per our conversation of him trying. Which it never happened, nothing changed. I honestly think he thinks its a phase or I'll get through (over this) this and he's riding it out. Or he doesnt ever see me leaving.. i dont know because he doesnt express himself.
I have options...
1a. I could stay, live a unhappy comfortable life so everyone around me isnt effected by my selfishness. Its really not a bad life, i would just be extremely lonely. But then again..
2a. If i leave.. i could be in the same boat or worse. End up with someone terrible or be alone the rest of my life.
3a. I could hang in there till graduation and then move out.. my kids didnt ask for this and i dont want to effect them. Move out, lvie seperate see how things go. See if we should divorce.
4a. I could cheat, compromise my morals for a temporary bandaid. I dont believein cheating, i also dont judge those who do. But if you love someone you should have those difficult convos.
5a. I could seek council or a retreat for one last ditch effort, even though research and myself dont think it will help.
6a. I could again ask for a fwb to get that emotional commection amd sexual gratification i need.

The other issue.. im so bitter over the last several years that i have not been very nice to him. Just about everything he does irritates me. In no way shape or form do i feel any of this is his responsibility. I'm the unhappy one and only i can make myself happy. I know this. I'm angry because i want thinga to work, I didn't get married to divorce. That said, in order for things to work i need him to participate and try.
The other issue besides me being bitter.. im also the type of person that chooses the safe choice. So i would tend to stay because its the safe thing to do but not fair to him either. If i stay than i will be bitter and lose more of myself.. which is normal for me, I'm a mom and wife i give up my needs for them gladly. Its who I am and prefer that but i need to know and feel I'm important and wanted and i dont.

I'd greatly appreciate any insites on this mess.
I mean this really, really, gently,so please don't be offended.

All you talked about is what you need, what you want and what you want to have happen.There is absolutely nothing wrong at all with expressing your needs...so long as you take the other person's into consideration.

He didn't choose to be an introvert, and I really have to wonder if when you feel you are talking to him, he feels you are talking at him. Do you give him a chnace to communicate with him in a way that works for him? For example, if he doesn't like talking, he might be more amenable to writing. you might try sitting down with him,expressing your feelings and then asking him to write his thoughts out to share them with you. ( I'm an introvert, and while it is in no way their fault, when someone of a different personality type starts talking to me, I try my best to listen. they take this ( incorrectly) as a cue that they conversation can be one sided, which basically amounts tot hem dumping on me while I just sit there. Usually, I don;t get much of a chance to reply, which they interpret ( again, understandably) that I am fine with what they say.

Please don't take this to mean I am blaming you,as f you are not an introvert, it can be hard to understand what it's like. I could be wrong, but I can't see him changing, as this is a fundamental personality trait that may even go as deep as the biochemistry and neurological pathways of his brain.

My best advice would be that, if you are going to stay together, you are going to have to find a way to communicate with him where he feels safe to open up. I'm not saying you haven't tried hard already, just that it sounds like you have tried methods that would work for your personality type. Again, not your fault as you are simply making an effort based on your own experience and personality. For him, a marathon discussion about your relationship may be overwhelming. try breaking it down into shorter discussions, and give him lots of time to respond. that may be frustrating for you, but it might help.

Sorry that's all I've got. I hope you can work it out.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:37 PM   #7
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Thank you for your reply.. i pointed out my needs because thats what im needing advice on. Yes i have tried to write, text, tried games.
Hes extremely wonderful at listening and talking to people about issues, their issues.

Where it becomes difficult is when "we" have to have a difficult conversation that is uncomfortable to him. He shuts down compeltely. I ask how he is feeling about the topic or thoughts and he either doesnt reply or says i dont know. I even ask if he needs time to think.

Writing letters and writing his thoughts down.. kinda works, he wont "write" but sometimes might text. He may decide to change something or try something new but then has zero follow through on it. And we are right back to square one. And i feel at a loss.

Ive even read up on how to try and get him to open up.
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Old 25th September 2017, 10:44 PM   #8
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And yes the communication is a must to be fixed. I also feel its a huge part of our sex life issues. I feel strongly that those two go hand in hand.
Part of the issue is.. i can plan outings, i can set up times for us to sit and talk. I can do all that. But doing so wont help me feel like im the only one trying in this relationship.
I do know that when you have been with someone so long, sometimes you forget that relationships are work and you become comfortable and stop trying. I feel that's where he is at. He married me and is still with me.. isnt that enough. I get that. However its not that easy, you still need to work at it. Or should if you want it to work.
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Old 25th September 2017, 11:07 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anah View Post
I don't believe my post contradicts itself. I wanted to point out that he is a wonderful man. Im not here trying to make him look bad because he IS a wonderful man, I'm looking for advice. He does anything I ask. We get along great. He doesnt lie to me. He doesnt beat me. He hasnt cheated on me. Etc... Yes i feel almost any girl would love to have him for a husband.

I didnt think I had to explain this but here you go...
Everyone has things they can live with and things they can't live without. Everyone is different. The things i feel i need in my relationship someone else may be perfectly happy with. I'm not. Those other people may enjoy having someone that only wants sex every 7 to 10 days. Those people may be perfectly fine planning everything. Im not.

.
I'm a little afraid to comment here.

But my insight, for what it's worth, is in your words in bold above. You are missing things in your relationship that you can't live without. Seems clear to me what you should think about doing.

Good luck.
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Old 25th September 2017, 11:12 PM   #10
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[]

I would have to say i would agree with your statement but if only it was that easy. Obviously it wasnt always this way.. things were wonderful at one time. I guess im hopeful it will get better. Maybe once the kids are out. I suppose i don't want to toss the towel in, until i know I've tried everything.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 26th September 2017 at 10:25 PM.. Reason: Lack of civility and respect ~6
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Old 26th September 2017, 2:46 AM   #11
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It sounds like he does not take your feelings into account, and does nothing to work on things with you. If you are having the same conversation over and over again, I would suggest taking a look at that, rather than trying to solve all of the problems.

When someone loves you, you feel important to them. . .

It sounds like maybe it is time to end it once and for all.
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Old 26th September 2017, 7:35 AM   #12
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Anah, you are not happy. You need a way to
be happy without cheating. You have needs
being met and needs not. Time to find a good
MC to help you and your husband find a solution.
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Old 26th September 2017, 9:13 AM   #13
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He is who he is. You're trying to change him into someone he's not. He's content in a routine. Accept who he is or end your marriage.
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Old 26th September 2017, 11:11 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anah View Post
Thank you for your reply.. i pointed out my needs because thats what im needing advice on. Yes i have tried to write, text, tried games.
Hes extremely wonderful at listening and talking to people about issues, their issues.

Where it becomes difficult is when "we" have to have a difficult conversation that is uncomfortable to him. He shuts down compeltely. I ask how he is feeling about the topic or thoughts and he either doesnt reply or says i dont know. I even ask if he needs time to think.

Writing letters and writing his thoughts down.. kinda works, he wont "write" but sometimes might text. He may decide to change something or try something new but then has zero follow through on it. And we are right back to square one. And i feel at a loss.

Ive even read up on how to try and get him to open up.
I really wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Is there any way you could convince him to get some marriage counseling with you?
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Old 26th September 2017, 11:17 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
He is who he is. You're trying to change him into someone he's not. He's content in a routine. Accept who he is or end your marriage.
op,
sad as it is to say, it could come down to this.

It sounds like the status quo isn't working for you, and that means it won't work for your marriage. Do you think he would respond if you tried to shock him out of his complacency by telling him you are near the end of your rope and there needs to be some changes or you will have to reevaluate if the relationship is really what you want?

How much of a change do you feel you need to be happy int he relationship? If he can't go that far, would you be okay with meeting him half way, so long as you knew he was trying?
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