thedude99 Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) Married for 6 years now and due to an incident last night my wife is not speaking to me. Her sister has been in an abusive relationship for years. A few times she has left and gone to a shelter and in a week or two goes back to her husband (who is a drug dealer). Anyways another domestic incident occurred on Friday. We explained to her last time that it is critical she calls the police when the next time came. She did not do this and my wife went over immediately to pick her and her kids up immediately to get them into safety of course. Because of limited space they cannot stay with us long term and the shelter has options in terms of support and long term housing. I was at work all day while this was going on and had a very upsetting day at work for a variety of reasons. I really was not looking forward to going home and dealing with all this because I believe that in a week or two she will repeat her behaviour and go back to her abusive husband (the last time was about three months ago). This then leaves my wife an emotional mess for weeks after. As soon as I got home I asked everyone how they were and said I'm heading out to the gym as I needed to get my mind clear from the day at work. Anyways upon my return my wife said this was very rude of me and now is not talking to me. I explained my reasoning that last time we talked about how critical it is to get the police involved as he would then be removed from the house and a restraining order put into place. I also told her that she should have called the police on her behalf. She said i'm oversimplifying it given his "profession" and that would lead to bigger problems with the cops. I don't understand why she is trying to protect this guy whatsoever. Ultimately it will be my wife who is left holding the emotional baggage when she returns to her abusive husband which I'm sure she will do - otherwise what other explanation could there be to not involve the police? Edited September 23, 2017 by thedude99 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Geez this is a really tough situation. I agree with you that the best way to handle this would be to involve the police. Perhaps your wife and her sister are reluctant to call the police because the sisters husband is a known drug dealer. The sister knows he deals drugs and chooses to live with him. This could make her look like an unfit parent so maybe that's why she refuses to call the cops. I don't know know what to advise. I totally understand your frustration at the whole situation but I also understand your wife's reluctance to turn her back on her sister and her nieces/nephews. Those poor kids are being emotionally abused by this chaos and by witnessing abuse at home. I feel like I want to shake some sense into your sister-in-law. She is putting an abusive drug dealer ahead of the well being of her own children. I don't know the best thing to do in this situation, just wanted to say you've been heard and you have my sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
millerband86 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 This is one of those times where being right (which I think you are about what to do calling police etc.) isn't always good or timely. You probably should have stayed and not just bailed as soon as you got home, don't get me wrong I get it, you didn't want to deal with the BS. But I will say that leaving the house then doing the should've, would've, could've when you got home; not going to be received well by anyone i think. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 All the more reason to call the cops, given his "profession"... It may help her to be safe and actually break from this destructive relationship and pattern of behavior, if he was to go to jail - where he deserves to be... I'm sorry, it must be really hard to ride this roller coaster. Your wife must be exhausted and afraid - to she her sister and her children in an unsafe situation and know that she has tried to leave, but always goes back... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Your job is to provide emotional support to your wife in this situation, just as it would be her job to provide emotional support to you if a member of your family was in a bad place. You showed complete selfishness, washed your hands and dumped her in it, leaving her to cope all on her own, so it is little wonder she is no longer talking to you. Link to post Share on other sites
4fin Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 If you're brother in law relieved his stress at the gym instead of beating your sister in law the argument never would have happened. I don't understand hitting a woman or a woman who goes back to a man who hit her once. You're in a bad spot but it sounds like a lot of others are in a worse spot. I'd call the police. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 otherwise what other explanation could there be to not involve the police? There are myriad reasons why people stay with abusive spouses. It's way too complicated a topic for a LS forum. Kids, resources, love..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 There are myriad reasons why people stay with abusive spouses. It's way too complicated a topic for a LS forum. Kids, resources, love..... ...and fear... Link to post Share on other sites
Dirt Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 You're wife did a huge disservice to your marriage by bringing this garbage into your home. She also put your life at risk because this guy could come to your home. You did nothing wrong by going to the gym because after a day at work it is your right to want to relax. This situation is entirely avoidable. How? Don't do stupid stuff like get involved with a drug dealer. It's quite simple, really, so I'd just let your wife waste her time with that crap and have minimal involvement so you can live a stress free life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) You're wife did a huge disservice to your marriage by bringing this garbage into your home. She also put your life at risk because this guy could come to your home. My posting may upset some people, but I was an abused wife and know of which I speak. I agree with Dirt here. It's not uncommon for abused wives to flee and their abuser to follow, threaten, harass, physically harm, or do property damage to those sheltering her. TheDude, your wife put you, herself, your shared home, and shared children in danger to help a sister who keeps going back. Aw, hell, naw! Were I you, I'd tell the wife this kind of thing will no longer be brought to your home. Sister is responsible for her life choices, she's been afforded help time and again, she keeps going back, and it's time to let her sink or swim on her own. If you and your wife are concerned for the kids, call CPS. Not your circus, not your monkeys, you've tried to be patient and help, SIL is just repeating rides on the drama train, time to cut her loose unless/until she decides to get her **** straight. The only one who can really help her is her. Sadly, my brother abuses his fiance and has for years. They have 3 kids under 7. I offered my SIL-to-be a place to stay, help wit the kids, help getting on her feet, etc. So has my sister. So have her parents. She keeps going back and I stopped feeling sorry for her a long time ago. Edited September 25, 2017 by MJJean 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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