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I make 3 times more than my husband!


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 21st September 2017, 3:02 PM   #16
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OP, do you ever show appreciation for your husband providing health benefits for your family? That's a great contribution.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:33 PM   #17
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I've been the sole breadwinner my whole marriage because we decided to be pioneers when I received my first big promotion: He quit his job to become a stay-at-home dad. So financially, there you go. And of course over the years, I'm still the mom and his kicked #$% as a full-time dad (best!)--I still do not cook or grocery shop, among other things. Believe me, I am not interested in starting either. Eventually, I started my own business from home that was great at first but we have some struggling times now due to some really bad issues with the financials and a business partner who no longer is a business partner. My husband also had some illnesses (heart, for example, is one), so finding the right job when the kids were older got harder. I'm still the main breadwinner and we love each other dearly. However, like you, had a stretch of time full of resentment. I'd like to suggest you go to Netflix and watch the movie "The War Room." It changed my life and my view toward my husband, marriage, the good things about my husband that I wasn't acknowledging; it even taught me to pray for my marriage (if you're inclined!). What it taught me is encouragement of my husband vs complaints and remorse for my mistakes that he put up with that are hopefully a little better! By sharing this with him, he opened up as well. Please watch the movie, look at the big picture of whether he is a good man or not, and then decide for yourself. I did. PS: I was brought up that men should do all that, too. I learned something I was not taught: It's not just about the money he provides. In fact, his love and support are priceless in my life and irreplaceable.
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Old 21st September 2017, 4:26 PM   #18
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OP, I see a woman who has pigeon-holed herself into being the bread-winner, when she really just wants to be a mom first, and work part-time to add what she can. The issue is that you aren't willing to compromise on a lifestyle that's seemingly much more important to you, than to your husband. I think that you should start working part-time from home, and adjust your spending and lifestyle accordingly. If that means moving to a smaller home that is less central, or downsizing vehicles, do it. Honestly, it sounds like you know you're going to crack if you keep on the path you're on, and you're lashing out at your husband because he is complacent, and not interested in taking on more to fill the void you know will exist when you eventually leave your job.

I know your situation, because I've been off on disability for 9 months now with carpal tunnel in both wrists. I was making 6 figures in the oil field, and now it's low 5 figures on disability. If I saw this coming, I would have gotten in front of it. While your current financial resources are still there, downsize your home, cars, and curb whatever spending habits necessary to restructure your life around your new income reality, before it's forced onto you.

It was forced onto me, and I'm putting out fires now. I've already sold my SUV to cut monthly costs, and I'm doing repairs to the house to sell it next spring. Once sold, all outstanding debts will be wiped clean by the equity in my house, and we're going to downsize homes. I'll be left with $50k for business start up money. Is it ideal, no. What it is, is the opportunity to re-establish our lives so that my wife and I can be content with little financial stressors, and a much better work life balance.

Balance your life. Balance yourself.
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Old 25th September 2017, 5:48 AM   #19
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Hi newlywedder, you seem to be caught up in a very difficult situation. I have a few questions for you if you would like to answer them. Firstly, how long have you been married and how much older than you is your husband? What drew you to your husband in the first place especially if you knew that he was stuck in a rut? What is your relationship like other than the financial aspect that you are highlighting?

Having asked those questions I have to ask you as to what is the specific problem that you are facing with this coworker? Is he bullying you or is he hitting on you and you do not/do like the attention and are concerned where it will go if you allow it to blossom? You said your skills are in great demand and a number of recruiters ate on the hunt for you. That being the case you could probably pick and choose where you want to work and you do not have to continue in your current job. That would help you to get rid of the attentions/ bullying of your coworker. If this is true then what is holding you back from taking up a new appointment?

Once these issues are addressed then I think the other important issue is your bipolar disorder. I think some of the other posters( not all ) have missed the significance of this and the effect it is having on you personally and on your work and relationship dynamic. I think you need to address this problem with an immediacy that seems to have eluded you. Unless you are in a good place mentally, how can you expect to handle all the problems of teal life in a balanced and rational manner? You need to be getting treated for this disorder as of yesterday. If you are not in a good place mentally, how can you attend MC or any other therapy with your husband. Also, if your husband's health insurance covets it why are you not seeing a psychiatrist for your disorder? Once that is taken care of you can suggest that your husband see a psychotherapist for his own problem of low self esteem. However, it should be one step at a time. What Thegameoflife has suggested is sterling advice and you would do well to heed it. That should be attempted once both of you have had psychiatric treatment for your personal problems. Warm wishes
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Old 25th September 2017, 8:16 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by newlywedder View Post
I have an issue right now with my husband. He is stuck in the same dead end job for 10 years now and makes only $42k a year for a salary. I have told him to try to find another job because he is always complaining about it but he doesn't think he has good enough skills.
Your nick suggests you knew about his situation when you got married. Why did you marry him?

Quote:
For my employment, I do front end web developing and designing and know all the latest technology like React JS, Angular 4, UI/UX design, etc. I constantly get calls from recruiters because of my in demand skill set as a contractor. Because I am only a contractor, I qualify for low end benefits with my contracting company. Our family uses my husband's benefits instead, which are superior.
What is the difference between the total the levels of compensation between the two of you again?

Quote:
It bothers me that I make 3 times + more than my husband and wish he would try to find another job. It affects my marriage but I try to ignore the issue. Every so often, I will bring it up but we end up fighting about it.

My husband is so lazy and doesn't want to learn any new skills, he just wants to play video games when coming home. Me, on the other hand, is always trying to improve my skills by learning the latest technology.
If you goal was to have a husband who earns over three times as much as you, maybe you should have worked on your appearance instead.

Quote:
I'm going to have to find another job soon due to a problem co-worker so we will lose quite a bit of household income when that happens. I wish he would step up and try to find another job that pays decently.
You wrote you were in high demand. Is your current job uniquely well-paid? Why do you think you would not be able to find another equally well-paying one?

Quote:
He has a computer science degree from a private university and does have quality programming skills. He just lacks self esteem and the willingness to look elsewhere. He is very loyal even when people at his job treat him like crap!
But you wrote your husband isn't interested in constantly learning new skills. He is probably right.

Quote:
I know he could make way more money for our family to take off the burden from me. I have bipolar disorder and this co-worker at my job is affecting my mental health big time. I'm not sure how I can hold on at my job much longer.
Your husband makes $42,000 and has great benefits. Your burden is entirely self-inflicted. If you earned the same, you'd make $88k together, which is enough for a perfectly acceptable first world standard of living. If you're living in some ultra-expensive area, you can move somewhere else.

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If I left my job, we would not be able to pay the mortgage and would lose our house. I have a young son too that we need to provide for.
Maybe you're living in a too expensive house.

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Growing up, I was taught that the man should provide for the family but I don't feel very provided for. We try to be equal in the relationship but I find it hard when I can make 3 times he does.
The world has changed a lot after your childhood. What you're experiencing is the female hypergamous instinct kicking in. Most women feel a need to marry up. Most do, in fact, as the income statistics of men and women bear out. The more equal the earnings of men and women in rich countries, the greater the share of men who are forced to import a bride from a poor country if they want to have a wife and the greater the number of successful women unable to find an eligible husband.

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Any advice on how to get him to look for another job or learn new skills to benefit him?
Lose fat. Develop a firm shape through strength training. Learn about style and femininity. Downregulate the amount of sex you have with him. That will instill the fear of losing you (and his son) into your husband. Maybe then he will wake up. Be careful, though, as you are a mother of a young child and probably well into your thirties already. No rich man in his early thirties will put up with that. So you will have to prepare to marry a rich older man (15 to 25 years older than you) after you've divorced your husband. You should not disclose your looming mental health collapse to any of your new suitors. It would not work in your favor, although a rich old man might not be bothered by your dropping out of the work force after the papers are signed.

If you are not prepared to follow the above route, then you should downsize your standard of living and start saving and investing. Then you will have a fund to help you survive if you become unable to work like your mother did as you wrote in a later post.

Last edited by AMarriedMan; 25th September 2017 at 9:43 AM..
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:03 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by GunslingerRoland View Post
Sometimes you have to remember the balance between different things you get from a job. You've mentioned that his job has great benefits. I know my benefits are worth over 15K per year, and I can imagine good benefits in America could be worth even more when you factor in your health care.

I don't make as much as I would at a different place, but my benefits and job security make up for it.

Still $40K sounds very low for an experienced programmer with a degree. I sure have never heard of anyone charging such a low cost. But maybe the trade off of him having a more stable higher benefit job and you have a more unstable but higher paying job isn't the worst trade off.
Yes he gets a 2% raise each year and started at 42k when he was out of school. They really need to pay him more there but of course won't. It is really annoying how he won't look for another job that will pay decently. He is so honest that if he did get another job, he would disclose his current pay and then they may offer him the same. I do enjoy his benefits so that's the only thing going for this job.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:07 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by knabe View Post
Was this the income split when you married? If so, why did you marry him if this was a problem. You say you have bipolar disorder. Are you being treated? Do you have bipolar rages? When was your last episode? Could that be part of the problem with your coworker?

You say your husband has low self esteem. Does he know how disappointed you are in him and how lazy you think he is? If so, it's no wonder he has low self esteem.
We share a bank account. He does have great qualities like being very honest, loyal, great father, great lover, handsome, great smile, fun-loving, animal loving, geeky, and great friend. I didn't think of the money when marrying him at all. I actually earned close to what he does because I didn't realize that my skills were worth so much. I kept asking for $45k-$50k at jobs for years.

No, I am not constantly saying how disappointed I am. I'm very kind to him but have this nagging feeling that doesn't go away. I keep it inside and every once in awhile, I will say something about his job situation but then nothing happens. I build him up all the time and tell him how smart and handsome he is.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:14 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Your husband's self esteem issues will not improve if you keep pointing out how little he earns. For most men, making far less than their female partners is a huge blow to their masculinity. Unfortunately, your comments and attitude are not improving the situation.

If your husband is not willing to find a more lucrative position, then you will need to divorce him so that both of you can be happier in the long run. Men need respect and appreciation to feel loved. It sounds like you will only be able to respect your husband if he's earning more income. It's not like your husband is working for minimum wage....at least he's earning a salary and providing benefits for your family.

In the meantime, I hope you are medicated for your bipolar disorder and seeing a therapist.
Yes I am well medicated for it and haven't had an episode in years. I'm very stable right now but get bursts of anxiety due to this co-worker issue. I don't want to ever divorce him because we married for life. I can't see myself with anyone else. His other qualities are very attractive, just this one thing that he could change if he wanted to. It bugs me to no end. I do try to make him feel loved. I don't bring up this issue very often. I can't remember the last time I said anything. It just nags me a lot because I'm worried about my mental health and I may end up in a hospital again.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:17 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Why didn't you and your husband discuss your goal of being a SAHM before marriage?

If you wanted to stay home with your son, it didn't make sense to marry a man who didn't earn enough to support a family.
We did but then the baby was born so I had to keep working. I worked up until my C section and went back 3 months later. I thought he would get another job later on, not keep this same one to be honest. He has a computer science degree from a private university so is worth more than this pay. I didn't think he would still keep this job. We had talked about him looking elsewhere once I was able to get a job with benefits myself.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:22 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi newlywedder, you seem to be caught up in a very difficult situation. I have a few questions for you if you would like to answer them. Firstly, how long have you been married and how much older than you is your husband? What drew you to your husband in the first place especially if you knew that he was stuck in a rut? What is your relationship like other than the financial aspect that you are highlighting?

Having asked those questions I have to ask you as to what is the specific problem that you are facing with this coworker? Is he bullying you or is he hitting on you and you do not/do like the attention and are concerned where it will go if you allow it to blossom? You said your skills are in great demand and a number of recruiters ate on the hunt for you. That being the case you could probably pick and choose where you want to work and you do not have to continue in your current job. That would help you to get rid of the attentions/ bullying of your coworker. If this is true then what is holding you back from taking up a new appointment?

Once these issues are addressed then I think the other important issue is your bipolar disorder. I think some of the other posters( not all ) have missed the significance of this and the effect it is having on you personally and on your work and relationship dynamic. I think you need to address this problem with an immediacy that seems to have eluded you. Unless you are in a good place mentally, how can you expect to handle all the problems of teal life in a balanced and rational manner? You need to be getting treated for this disorder as of yesterday. If you are not in a good place mentally, how can you attend MC or any other therapy with your husband. Also, if your husband's health insurance covets it why are you not seeing a psychiatrist for your disorder? Once that is taken care of you can suggest that your husband see a psychotherapist for his own problem of low self esteem. However, it should be one step at a time. What Thegameoflife has suggested is sterling advice and you would do well to heed it. That should be attempted once both of you have had psychiatric treatment for your personal problems. Warm wishes
Hi! I am 35 and he is 34 so around the same age. We have a great relationship otherwise. I don't mention his job situation very much. It comes up a few times a year nowadays. I was attracted to his personality and we shared interests.

The coworker has a controlling perfectionist personality and also has admitted he has a brain disorder. He makes the job quite stressful but I am learning to work better with him. I understand what he is going to do and then choose to act accordingly instead of getting upset.

I am seeing a psychiatrist for my disorder and am getting medicine. One medicine costs $1000 a month and my husband insurance gets it down to $15. I am very grateful for his benefits so don't get me wrong.

I just want him to find a better job that values him more and that he would be happier at. This place treats him like crap and give him no challenging work.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:24 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Thegameoflife View Post
OP, I see a woman who has pigeon-holed herself into being the bread-winner, when she really just wants to be a mom first, and work part-time to add what she can. The issue is that you aren't willing to compromise on a lifestyle that's seemingly much more important to you, than to your husband. I think that you should start working part-time from home, and adjust your spending and lifestyle accordingly. If that means moving to a smaller home that is less central, or downsizing vehicles, do it. Honestly, it sounds like you know you're going to crack if you keep on the path you're on, and you're lashing out at your husband because he is complacent, and not interested in taking on more to fill the void you know will exist when you eventually leave your job.

I know your situation, because I've been off on disability for 9 months now with carpal tunnel in both wrists. I was making 6 figures in the oil field, and now it's low 5 figures on disability. If I saw this coming, I would have gotten in front of it. While your current financial resources are still there, downsize your home, cars, and curb whatever spending habits necessary to restructure your life around your new income reality, before it's forced onto you.

It was forced onto me, and I'm putting out fires now. I've already sold my SUV to cut monthly costs, and I'm doing repairs to the house to sell it next spring. Once sold, all outstanding debts will be wiped clean by the equity in my house, and we're going to downsize homes. I'll be left with $50k for business start up money. Is it ideal, no. What it is, is the opportunity to re-establish our lives so that my wife and I can be content with little financial stressors, and a much better work life balance.

Balance your life. Balance yourself.
That's a good idea. We almost have our 2nd car paid off and we owe very little left on this house. Perhaps when we get debt free, I could find part time work or do a stay at home business. This is very good advice, thanks!
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