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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 16th September 2017, 11:32 PM   #1
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Time Travel

I was sitting around with a couple of friends and a show about time travel was on in the background and it got us talking (that and some good whisky) about how a life might be different if you could go back and give some advice to your younger self. Anyway I thought about the day I got married and what advice my 55-year-old self would give to that young idiot (the good-looking, but dim fellow I used to be)

Here is a quick list off the top of my head:
1. You’re going to be right a lot less than you think.
2. She needs more reassurance than you might imagine.
3. Don’t say nothing is wrong simply to avoid conflict.
4. Do the dishes.
5. Fight like crazy against loneliness in whatever form it takes.
6. Admit your mistakes.
7. Say “I love you” more often.
8. Touch her more often.
9. Really listen.
10. Be less predictable.

Of course there is a lot more (especially in my case)

What would you advise your younger self on your wedding day?
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Old 16th September 2017, 11:50 PM   #2
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I was thinking along these lines when going through the divorce proceedings and had a conversation with my father about things I would have changed with the opportunity to do it all over again. He pointed out different input results in different outcomes, however different isn't always better.

With that said, I would have loved to have been less critical, I believe that lead to her being uncomfortable discussing some things with me, and in turn lead her to not being honest about who she was and wanted.
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Old 17th September 2017, 5:22 AM   #3
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I would have to go way way back to a defining moment in my life - long before marriage - to have changed my life for the better love/marriage wise. A couple of days of talks with that younger self - in a moment of crisis would have changed everything.

But since you are on marriage time machine moment.

My first marriage I would have said "call it off"

Second marriage - I would have simply said - you are going to compromise and sacrifice way more than you thought - brace for it - hold strong - and make time and space to take care yourself because no one else is going to do it.
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Old 17th September 2017, 6:12 AM   #4
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It wasn't all that long ago that I got married - we got married later in life - but this is what I would tell myself:

1. Be patient. Before you jump to any conclusions, hear him out. Everyone wants to be listened to.

2. Most things are a tempest in a teapot. Don't make them hurricanes.

3. Stop and enjoy moments together. Life happens best when you slow down.

4. Appreciate what you have everyday, even when outside pressures intervene.

5. It will be even better than you can imagine it will be.
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Old 17th September 2017, 8:35 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by dichotomy View Post
I would have to go way way back to a defining moment in my life - long before marriage - to have changed my life for the better love/marriage wise. A couple of days of talks with that younger self - in a moment of crisis would have changed everything.

Amen to that friend.
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Old 17th September 2017, 12:24 PM   #6
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It wouldn't have changed anything - I'd have said "who's that old fool trying to tell me how to live?", the same way as any youngster doesn't listen to advice from his elders.
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Old 17th September 2017, 3:33 PM   #7
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My wedding day would not be the most productive time for my future self to come back. I was conflicted but I doubt that I would have had the nerve to bail even if I knew what I know now. I can think of two better times.

First, when I was 16 and had experienced my first friendzoning - very traumatic. I would tell myself to: 1) don't take girls and dating so seriously - it's all just practice until you propose; 2) "let's just be friends" really means let's just be friendLY - not some kind of committed BFF relationship; 3) you don't have to marry young like your parents - be patient and DON'T PANIC.

The other time would be my senior year in college when I was selecting a graduate school - I would have advised myself to go somewhere where I had to completely build a life on my own without anyone I knew to lean on. It would have been painful - my parents woefully underprepared me for life in the real world - but it would have been better for me in the long run.
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Old 17th September 2017, 4:37 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Davey L View Post
It wouldn't have changed anything - I'd have said "who's that old fool trying to tell me how to live?", the same way as any youngster doesn't listen to advice from his elders.
LOL - I'm not sure that I'd have been too receptive as a young person either but I sure would (as my current self) have a few bits of advice. I guess to me this is more of a what have you learned, what do you wish you knew at the time? In my case there's plenty.
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Old 17th September 2017, 4:47 PM   #9
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What would you advise your younger self on your wedding day?
Thought-provoking post.

My answer would be - accept the real. That would especially apply to the younger self beginning the period of mating as well as to the much older self prior to becoming married.
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Old 19th September 2017, 8:38 AM   #10
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Backwards time travel will never happen...asymptotic math and division by zero.,,,,fermi parodox. But, Ill bite.

I would tell my prior self nothing.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:34 AM   #11
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I would tell myself to ignore my ex instead of striking up a conversation with her so I could have had a more trusting heart with my second wife in the early days of my marriage. The first couple of years I was afraid to trust and I really regret that because she has proven herself over and over again.
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Old 19th September 2017, 1:02 PM   #12
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Backwards time travel will never happen...asymptotic math and division by zero.,,,,fermi parodox. But, Ill bite.
But what about relative state formulation, the Everett interpretation, the theory of the universal wavefunction, many-universes interpretation, etc....

In this case perhaps every choice you could have made - you did ! leading to infinite different history or futures for yourself

How many different bad choices in relationships could I make? and could I go see them all
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Old 19th September 2017, 6:56 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by standtall View Post
Backwards time travel will never happen...asymptotic math and division by zero.,,,,fermi parodox. But, Ill bite.

I would tell my prior self nothing.
I knew someone would get all sciency......
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Old 19th September 2017, 6:59 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike61 View Post
I was sitting around with a couple of friends and a show about time travel was on in the background and it got us talking (that and some good whisky) about how a life might be different if you could go back and give some advice to your younger self. Anyway I thought about the day I got married and what advice my 55-year-old self would give to that young idiot (the good-looking, but dim fellow I used to be)

Here is a quick list off the top of my head:
1. You’re going to be right a lot less than you think.
2. She needs more reassurance than you might imagine.
3. Don’t say nothing is wrong simply to avoid conflict.
4. Do the dishes.
5. Fight like crazy against loneliness in whatever form it takes.
6. Admit your mistakes.
7. Say “I love you” more often.
8. Touch her more often.
9. Really listen.
10. Be less predictable.

Of course there is a lot more (especially in my case)

What would you advise your younger self on your wedding day?
I'm curious about your #5.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:13 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I'm curious about your #5.
I think there can be periods of loneliness in relationships for a variety of reasons: the other person isn’t getting you; you’re dealing with personal issues your spouse may not understand, etc. I think it’s easy to find yourself isolated (at least internally) even in a loving relationship. Part of my comment is meant as a reminder to myself to not let that happen, to be more communicative and open, to trust my spouse’s ability to understand my insecurities or foibles.
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