We are handed Monogamy with no alternatives

[Steve51]

I lived in a poly triad with a long time female friend that was treated as family from the first day we got married. I cheated in the first year of our marriage, three times in fact. I had two girlfriends walking me to school and making out with me after school when I was 11. My folks got a call from the school principal and one of the girl's mothers. They in turn called in a priest to cure me.

 

I have had 5 relationships since the age of 15. All five are bisexual but I did not know that until well into the relationship. My ex fiancé was married to a man for 20 years and now married to a woman for 23 years. One is my wife of 45 years and another is the girlfriend we shared for 30 years in a poly triad.

 

My wife knew of me years before we met. I was one of the hot guys that the girls in her school talked about and passed around my picture. My wife still wonders why I chose her. So she knew and basically had a don't ask, don't tell policy. She had a secret of her own. She was fantasizing about sex with girls and girls only. Her best friend had a crush on me but was married to an alcoholic. I was a bad boy and she was a good girl so we never hooked up. She married a monogamous and religious alcoholic who she divorced two years later and came to stay with us because she was estranged from her emotionally cold family.

 

My wife's bisexual urges could not be contained anymore. She needed to explore that side of her. So she could have cheated as I did with implied consent or put a plan into effect that ended up with us inviting our girlfriend into our marriage as well as our bed and house. We lived in a poly triad 30 wonderful years. Each of us supplied the others with needs that two other two could. As three we were perfect. Marriage saved and a great life for all.

 

My wife and I agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a long time ago. I gave up on it after my first two girlfriends cheated on me after years together. I looked at the marriage statistics and saw 50% chance of failure. How many of you would step on an airplane with a 50% chance of crashing or even buy a car with those odd? No one and yet we enter into marriage with those same bad odds. We have been indoctrinated into monogamy as being the only way to marry. We are not told about alternative paths that may fit us better and avoid society's requirement to first destroy the life we built with our spouses before we can seek emotional and/or sexual support from another.

 

There is no doubt that we can love more than one person without loving others less. We do that all the time with our family. When a new child is born, the parents do not love the other kids less. Children today are very used to having more than their biological parents in their lives. There are step moms, dads and brothers. My wife and I loved our girlfriend and I loved one other woman but broke it off when she wanted to leave her husband for me. I am poly, not a home wrecker.

 

Consensual non monogamy can be done many different ways. Too many to list and explain. You can maintain your current family, place your marriage above all else and still have other people in your life that you date or just chat to for emotional support. We did not have as much of an argument in our marriage about our sex lives or other lovers.

 

4-5% of American couples (the same number of half of the population of Canada) design their own non monogamous marriage and do quite well like we did. I am not suggesting that you stop monogamy if it is working for you. If so, that is really great. All I am saying is that there are alternatives that work too and perhaps one of those will work better to keep your marriage together without destroying it first. Mommy and Daddy still live at home. No one is displaced or losses half of their money and property. The only difference is that mommy and daddy, maybe both, have a girl/boy friend that they see once in a while. Daddy has one that is into his sexual fetish while mommy has one with a beta male who thinks with his emotions like she does.

 

Of course there is always the worry of your spouse leaving you for a lover. Maybe he has a bigger penis, a non issue for most women, or maybe she has large breasts and is great in the sack. This is why you need to enter into these kid of relationships with a solid understanding of your rules. Some do not want to know what the other is doing in detail while others do. Sometimes they all get together and sometimes they never see each other. You design it anyway you want. We socialized with our girlfriend's husband. We had a lot in common since our incomes where the same as was our lifestyle. No problem there at all.

 

Then there is the feeling that every day your spouse is choosing you over all others. Each day she is letting you know you are the first one in her heart. Sort of the letting the bird go and if it comes back you know it is yours and if not, it was never yours to begin with. Monogamous or not, if your spouse is going to leave you, there is nothing you can do about it. After 7 years living with us, our girlfriend married a doctor. After that she split her time between us.

 

So just consider that there are choices, not just the one society hands us. We really do not have monogamy anyway, we have serial monogamy and know it when we wink and nod while vowing to be faithful and love only each other until death do we part. We all know that is a crock. Once again, if monogamy works for you, that is great, but if not, do not think cheating/divorce is your only other option. Most of our friends are non monogamous. We were always surprised at who we learned about. Our girlfriend was an elementary school teacher who dressed ultra conservative as I did. My wife was a real estate agent. My best friend is a chemist and his wife a mother of 2 and secretary. Our girlfriend married a doctor and there were lawyers, frumpy looking neighbors, the local FedX guy, and all sorts of people that look ordinary.

 

They made the decision to try something else rather than cheat and/or divorce. Choices, that is what I am say, not trying to convert anyone. Just think about the pressure you put on each other for 100% of what you need and then being pissed off when you do not get it all. I have been monogamous for the last 7 years and it is nice. It fits our ages and medical issues. There is nothing wrong with monogamy except that most would rather drown in a pool of their morality than seek the safety of another morality. For your religious people, keep in mind that monogamy was intended as a means to keep women from straying. In the old days there were no DNA tests and no man wanted to expend his limited resources and time raising a child that did not carry his genes. Wives were considered as property even in the Commandment about not coveting thy neighbor's wife, along with his pigs and cows, etc.. Women were property and even when monogamy kicked in, men had concubines and Mistresses. Monogamy was pointed straight at women, not men. Some still view their wives as their property and you can find that in actions as well as words. She belongs to me. She is mine, etc..

 

Anyway, here is some material for anyone interested. Non monogamy saved my marriage and enabled me to fulfill all of my needs and wants. Maybe it can help you too. We lasted so long because we held our marriage and each other above all else, even monogamy. Once we decided on non monogamy there was full transparency. No one was seeing anyone behind the other's back. Some people do not want to know as it arouses jealousy so they only need to know that their spouse was on a date for a night or a weekend and that they were safe.

 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

 

Polyamory: When three isn't a crowd - CNN

 

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN

 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

Edited September 15, 2017 by Steve51

[cope ascetic]

I don't know why the site doesn't have a poly subforum, it really should

[OneLov]

I agree that people should not deny themselves the freedom to engage in consensual relationships with other adults as long as they are authentic and honest with their expectations and intent.

 

As humans, we are a polyamorous species. We practice social monogamy (one mate at one time) but are not naturally monogamous (one mate for life). I think the reason why society promotes social monogamy is because of the stability that commitment provides. Just like communism can be argued to be a better economic model in many ways, capitalism comports with human nature and is favored for that reason.

 

As you mentioned, in a polyamorous relationship, you are the architect. But the problem is that people, even in these relationships with a solid understanding of your rules, may choose to go outside of those rules ("cheat"). Thus, one may argue that polyamory does not really solve the issues of betrayal that are present in monogamous relationships.

 

Also, I know this is semantics, but I have heard some distinguish polyamory and an open relationship by stating the former does not have a primary relationship. In other words, the wife, or first partner, is no more important than the third or fourth partner. Obviously, both are forms of non monogamous relationships.

 

The only way to avoid having one "cheat" is to forgo any regulation. Anything goes. I believe that is personally very difficult in practice. Like it is easy to embrace the idea of anarchy until you are in need of a service provided by the government.

 

I am in no way condemning you. I have a polyamorous friend. I was only offering my opinion as to why it would be difficult for the average person to embrace. But I think people should embrace it if it works for them. I believe living authentic life is only achieved through honesty with oneself and others.

Edited September 15, 2017 by OneLov

[wmacbride]

I mean absolutely no offense when I say this, but for me, being with more than one romantic partner is not going to happen.

 

Just as you feel more comfortable with your lifestyle, I feel far more comfortable with mine. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with what you are doing, so long as you are honest about it.

 

That, right there, is the real relationship killer. It's not monogamy, polyamory or anything else. It's lying.

[wmacbride]

I lived in a poly triad with a long time female friend that was treated as family from the first day we got married. I cheated in the first year of our marriage, three times in fact. I had two girlfriends walking me to school and making out with me after school when I was 11. My folks got a call from the school principal and one of the girl's mothers. They in turn called in a priest to cure me.

 

I have had 5 relationships since the age of 15. All five are bisexual but I did not know that until well into the relationship. My ex fiancé was married to a man for 20 years and now married to a woman for 23 years. One is my wife of 45 years and another is the girlfriend we shared for 30 years in a poly triad.

 

My wife knew of me years before we met. I was one of the hot guys that the girls in her school talked about and passed around my picture. My wife still wonders why I chose her. So she knew and basically had a don't ask, don't tell policy. She had a secret of her own. She was fantasizing about sex with girls and girls only. Her best friend had a crush on me but was married to an alcoholic. I was a bad boy and she was a good girl so we never hooked up. She married a monogamous and religious alcoholic who she divorced two years later and came to stay with us because she was estranged from her emotionally cold family.

 

My wife's bisexual urges could not be contained anymore. She needed to explore that side of her. So she could have cheated as I did with implied consent or put a plan into effect that ended up with us inviting our girlfriend into our marriage as well as our bed and house. We lived in a poly triad 30 wonderful years. Each of us supplied the others with needs that two other two could. As three we were perfect. Marriage saved and a great life for all.

 

My wife and I agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a long time ago. I gave up on it after my first two girlfriends cheated on me after years together. I looked at the marriage statistics and saw 50% chance of failure. How many of you would step on an airplane with a 50% chance of crashing or even buy a car with those odd? No one and yet we enter into marriage with those same bad odds. We have been indoctrinated into monogamy as being the only way to marry. We are not told about alternative paths that may fit us better and avoid society's requirement to first destroy the life we built with our spouses before we can seek emotional and/or sexual support from another.

 

There is no doubt that we can love more than one person without loving others less. We do that all the time with our family. When a new child is born, the parents do not love the other kids less. Children today are very used to having more than their biological parents in their lives. There are step moms, dads and brothers. My wife and I loved our girlfriend and I loved one other woman but broke it off when she wanted to leave her husband for me. I am poly, not a home wrecker.

 

Consensual non monogamy can be done many different ways. Too many to list and explain. You can maintain your current family, place your marriage above all else and still have other people in your life that you date or just chat to for emotional support. We did not have as much of an argument in our marriage about our sex lives or other lovers.

 

4-5% of American couples (the same number of half of the population of Canada) design their own non monogamous marriage and do quite well like we did. I am not suggesting that you stop monogamy if it is working for you. If so, that is really great. All I am saying is that there are alternatives that work too and perhaps one of those will work better to keep your marriage together without destroying it first. Mommy and Daddy still live at home. No one is displaced or losses half of their money and property. The only difference is that mommy and daddy, maybe both, have a girl/boy friend that they see once in a while. Daddy has one that is into his sexual fetish while mommy has one with a beta male who thinks with his emotions like she does.

 

Of course there is always the worry of your spouse leaving you for a lover. Maybe he has a bigger penis, a non issue for most women, or maybe she has large breasts and is great in the sack. This is why you need to enter into these kid of relationships with a solid understanding of your rules. Some do not want to know what the other is doing in detail while others do. Sometimes they all get together and sometimes they never see each other. You design it anyway you want. We socialized with our girlfriend's husband. We had a lot in common since our incomes where the same as was our lifestyle. No problem there at all.

 

Then there is the feeling that every day your spouse is choosing you over all others. Each day she is letting you know you are the first one in her heart. Sort of the letting the bird go and if it comes back you know it is yours and if not, it was never yours to begin with. Monogamous or not, if your spouse is going to leave you, there is nothing you can do about it. After 7 years living with us, our girlfriend married a doctor. After that she split her time between us.

 

So just consider that there are choices, not just the one society hands us. We really do not have monogamy anyway, we have serial monogamy and know it when we wink and nod while vowing to be faithful and love only each other until death do we part. We all know that is a crock. Once again, if monogamy works for you, that is great, but if not, do not think cheating/divorce is your only other option. Most of our friends are non monogamous. We were always surprised at who we learned about. Our girlfriend was an elementary school teacher who dressed ultra conservative as I did. My wife was a real estate agent. My best friend is a chemist and his wife a mother of 2 and secretary. Our girlfriend married a doctor and there were lawyers, frumpy looking neighbors, the local FedX guy, and all sorts of people that look ordinary.

 

They made the decision to try something else rather than cheat and/or divorce. Choices, that is what I am say, not trying to convert anyone. Just think about the pressure you put on each other for 100% of what you need and then being pissed off when you do not get it all. I have been monogamous for the last 7 years and it is nice. It fits our ages and medical issues. There is nothing wrong with monogamy except that most would rather drown in a pool of their morality than seek the safety of another morality. For your religious people, keep in mind that monogamy was intended as a means to keep women from straying. In the old days there were no DNA tests and no man wanted to expend his limited resources and time raising a child that did not carry his genes. Wives were considered as property even in the Commandment about not coveting thy neighbor's wife, along with his pigs and cows, etc.. Women were property and even when monogamy kicked in, men had concubines and Mistresses. Monogamy was pointed straight at women, not men. Some still view their wives as their property and you can find that in actions as well as words. She belongs to me. She is mine, etc..

 

Anyway, here is some material for anyone interested. Non monogamy saved my marriage and enabled me to fulfill all of my needs and wants. Maybe it can help you too. We lasted so long because we held our marriage and each other above all else, even monogamy. Once we decided on non monogamy there was full transparency. No one was seeing anyone behind the other's back. Some people do not want to know as it arouses jealousy so they only need to know that their spouse was on a date for a night or a weekend and that they were safe.

 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html

 

Polyamory: When three isn't a crowd - CNN

 

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN

 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

 

 

one thing...if you think "rules" will keep you safe, sorry, aint gonna happen.

 

One thing I have learned...people will follow relationship rules so long as they work for them. if they don't, they tend to get broken pretty quickly.

[BaileyB]

I mean absolutely no offense when I say this, but for me, being with more than one romantic partner is not going to happen.

 

Just as you feel more comfortable with your lifestyle, I feel far more comfortable with mine.

 

I totally agree.

 

I don't feel like I was handed monogamy, I chose it. Monogamy works just fine for me.

[knabe]

I'm not sure the "we aren't biologically designed to be monogamous" argument is actually an argument. Now mind you, it is not really my business what pother people choose to do in their bedrooms.

 

However, there are all sorts of things we do that we "weren't biologically designed" to do. I mean, when someone cuts me off in heavy traffic and I'm running late, what I "naturally" want to do is smack them upside the head. I practice self control because, as George Costanza says, we live in a society.

 

I mean, way back when we used to just poop where we stood and walk on.

 

Monogamy is a choice we CAN make. We are NOT slaves to our biology, regardless of what people think. I'm not saying people shouldn't have freedom. That isn't my business. But this new trend of trying to deal with polygamy/polyamory by implying that monogamous couples are abnormal is annoying.

 

You don't validate your choices by trying to make other people's choices invalid. It's just silly.

[cope ascetic]

...this new trend of trying to deal with polygamy/polyamory by implying that monogamous couples are abnormal is annoying.

 

You don't validate your choices by trying to make other people's choices invalid. It's just silly.

 

I don't think OP tried to invalidate anything, and obviously was not saying monogamy is 'abnormal', as was acknowledged by pointing out only 4-5% are in polyamorous relationships. In fact, i think OP went out of their way to say if monogamy works for you, it's fine. Frankly i think the need for those in the majority to be socially validated is more of a problem than discussing the societal roots of monogamy.

[knabe]

I don't think OP tried to invalidate anything, and obviously was not saying monogamy is 'abnormal', as was acknowledged by pointing out only 4-5% are in polyamorous relationships. In fact, i think OP went out of their way to say if monogamy works for you, it's fine. Frankly i think the need for those in the majority to be socially validated is more of a problem than discussing the societal roots of monogamy.

 

I don't need to be validated. And it is possible I reacted poorly. Other people's life choices really aren't my business unless they directly violate my rights or harm someone I love.

 

However, I am not certain we really HAVE to advertise what each or us do in the bedroom? I have never really understood that.

 

I don't know who the owners of this site are, for example, maybe the reason there is not a poly forum is because no one has asked.

[cope ascetic]

Was OP really advertising what is done in their bedroom, tho? I think not. Besides, the site does have a forum for doing that.

[knabe]

Was OP really advertising what is done in their bedroom, tho? I think not. Besides, the site does have a forum for doing that.

 

Exactly. There are all sorts of topics on that forum. I'm sure talk on that forum of polyamory would be welcome. In fact, I would bet that if a poly triad posted in the life partnership forum with an issue to be resolved, people would be glad to try to help them, and the moderators would surely quash any lifestyle shaming.

 

But I'm not sure what the purpose is of a post in a relationship problem-solving forum just to...comment on how monogamy isn't biological and it's a shame we have to do it. And we don;t have to do it. All the poly relationships out there prove we aren't forced into monogamy.

 

I mean, for example, I am a part of a group that makes up a minority of people. It isn't a big deal for me, and I don't feel the need for a special corner on forums just for me. I can interact just fine with people not in my particular group and get great advice.

 

Honest relationships, whether they involve two people or more, are not a problem for me, even if I do not practice all of the possible permutations.

[cope ascetic]

I am talking about the "Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices" subforum. Why would you suggest relegating polyamorous relationships to a subforum dedicated to sex practices? If the issue was sex, yes, but going by your apparent assumption and previous comment about advertising what goes on in one's bedroom, you seem to be functioning under the erroneous impression that polyamory is only about sex. But then you say if they did post in this forum with their issues, you are sure people would help them with it. Pardon me, but going by the responses in this thread so far, and the general conventionalism I've seen on the site, i disagree.

But I'm happy to be wrong

[knabe]

I am talking about the "Sexual & Reproductive Health and Practices" subforum. Why would you suggest relegating polyamorous relationships to a subforum dedicated to sex practices? If the issue was sex, yes, but going by your apparent assumption and previous comment about advertising what goes on in one's bedroom, you seem to be functioning under the erroneous impression that polyamory is only about sex. But then you say if they did post in this forum with their issues, you are sure people would help them with it. Pardon me, but going by the responses in this thread so far, and the general conventionalism I've seen on the site, i disagree.

But I'm happy to be wrong

 

I didn't suggest anything. But like I said, when I go to a side I generally just operate within whatever it is they have. I don't expect them to redesign or add features to the side just for me and some perceived notion of agendas

[SmartDude]

Monogamy is actually going to kill us all unless we stop.

 

People are addicted to the cultural construct of family life.

To be a perceived success you MUST get married, have a house and have children. Even if it does not make sense...

 

Humans are living longer now.The infant mortality rate has dropped dramatically. White north american babies are the world's worst polluter's. The earth's population is too high as it is and each new human needs additional natural resources to live.

 

If EVERYONE thinks they MUST have children, then that is a really bad bottleneck situation on planet earth. I believe that non-monogamy in all its forms is saving the planet from overpopulation.

[road]

I do not share my toys.

 

I do not want the STD risk.

 

I do not want to run the risk of someone

else being the bio dad.

 

I have seen people talk about how great

open marriages are.

 

For every good open marriage I have

seen a thousand marriages end because

they opened their marriage.

 

Because an open marriage worked ok

for a few does not make it the way to go

for the rest of us.