I feel different and having thoughts of sleeping with other people

[Lemonpeelz]

I have been married for a little over a year and we are really not happy, we argue constantly and have done for a long time - we have been together for 10 years and been through a lot of **** along the way. We don't have sex anymore and the thought of having sex with my husband is no longer appealing to me but I don't know why? I know he doesn't make me feel sexy anymore and I miss that fire and excitement, I feel like we certainly shouldn't be having these problems now and should still be in the honeymoon period shouldn't we? I love him very much and don't want to hurt him, I have good morals and have never done anything to jeopardise our relationship ever when he has on a number of occasions. I just can't control my thoughts and lately have been having provocative thoughts about other men and found myself Fantasizing about having sex with another man... I can't understand why I don't look at my husband like that anymore - he is very attractive but he is a lot of the time horrible to me and distant... any advice?

[RecentChange]

Why did you wait 10 years to get married, and why has everything fallen apart now?

 

Why do you two argue? How was your sex life before you got married?

 

I say this as someone who got married after 14 years!!! But it definitely started a new honey moon period - the passion we had when met was still there

[central]

If you've been together 10 years, the honeymoon phase is long past, temporarily revived by getting married. It sounds like the basic problem is due to your husband not treating you with love and respect - of course you're thinking about other people, who will probably treat you better.

 

 

The first step is to tell him how you feel about how he treats you, and how that's making you lose desire for him. Tell him you need him to change his behavior towards you so that you can respect him and love him again. Otherwise there will be consequences for the relationship. You don't have to specify the consequences, but you do have to be willing to have some and follow through if he doesn't respond. It may take counseling to resolve this - but if he won't even try, you have your answer, and should consider leaving.

[Lemonpeelz]

Why did you wait 10 years to get married, and why has everything fallen apart now?

 

Why do you two argue? How was your sex life before you got married?

 

I say this as someone who got married after 14 years!!! But it definitely started a new honey moon period - the passion we had when met was still there

 

I was only 18 when we met and getting married wasn't really an option, things seem to have always been like this to be honest but I just put up because it seemed like a better idea than leaving.

 

We just seem to get on each other's nerves and argue over really stupid things, he is not very patient with me and seems to have a problem with any little thing.

 

I love him dearly but feel like it's more like I love my brother if you know what I mean. He has put me through a lot of things over the years and I feel like I do want to stay with him despite that.

 

I just have this overwhelming feeling like I want to have no strings attached sec with someone else - not an affair just that excitement again. I know it's wrong but I can't control my thoughts.

[central]

I just have this overwhelming feeling like I want to have no strings attached sec with someone else - not an affair just that excitement again. I know it's wrong but I can't control my thoughts.

 

Without resorting to cheating, there are only a couple of ways to accomplish this. One is to negotiate an open marriage. The other is to see if he'd be interested in swinging with other couples. Maybe he'd like NSA sex with someone else, too. Worst case, it will blow up the relationship - which seems to be headed in that direction anyway. Best case, you'll reconnect - things may not change much, but I have seen a relationship improve when a couple does something like this together (the swinging option; the open option more easily leads to greater problems).

[Dark-Farmer]

Sorry to say it but I think you need to take drastic steps to either end or fix your relationship/marriage.

 

That may mean divorce or counseling to work it out as a couple.

 

you're still young and possibly inexperienced (a guess based on the small amount of information you provided)

 

Was your husband you only sexual partner?

He is probably the LTR you've been in correct?

[DKT3]

I was only 18 when we met and getting married wasn't really an option, things seem to have always been like this to be honest but I just put up because it seemed like a better idea than leaving.

 

We just seem to get on each other's nerves and argue over really stupid things, he is not very patient with me and seems to have a problem with any little thing.

 

I love him dearly but feel like it's more like I love my brother if you know what I mean. He has put me through a lot of things over the years and I feel like I do want to stay with him despite that.

 

I just have this overwhelming feeling like I want to have no strings attached sec with someone else - not an affair just that excitement again. I know it's wrong but I can't control my thoughts.

 

This is fairly common with couples who have been together since such an early age. My wife and I have been together since I was 17 and her 16. Like you after about 10 years we both expressed interest in other sexual partners. We talked about opening the marriage, swinging, threesomes and so on. Like you, my wife while still thinking I was attractive had lost a level of sexual desire, mostly because I matured and was no longer the hot headed bad boy.

 

Long story short, she cheated, we divorced and I went on a journey of sleeping with a ton of women.

 

Years later we've reconciled, remarried had a third child.

 

Through the whole mess, we have both realized what we lost those years back was the desire to engage with one another. We do didn't invest the same amount of effort and our marriage broke down.

 

Another thing, over the course of a long Marriage, your sexual attraction for your partner will not stay consistent. It hits peaks but also has valley's.

 

Lastly, there is a very good chance, I would say 100% that your husband is also lacking sexual attraction for you. Communicating will get you to a healthy solution. Lusting after other men will simply make you a cheater with more problems.

[HollyDays]

I'm SO sorry this is happening. Marriage is such a precious gift. Have you communicated your heart with your husband or discussed seeking some counseling? Stay strong and do not do something you will regret later. This is a time to lean into God, seek Him and what He wants for your marriage and try and repair the damage that has been done. I'm praying for you!

[Lemonpeelz]

Sorry to say it but I think you need to take drastic steps to either end or fix your relationship/marriage.

 

That may mean divorce or counseling to work it out as a couple.

 

you're still young and possibly inexperienced (a guess based on the small amount of information you provided)

 

Was your husband you only sexual partner?

He is probably the LTR you've been in correct?

 

I agree - I know something drastic needs to change hence the reason I am on this site. I have literally never opened up about this to anyone and am to embarrassed to talk to my friends about it.

 

My husband is certainly my only LTR but I have had sex with 9 other men before we met so I wouldn't go as far to say I was inexperienced in that department... But our relationship is the only relationship I have known so it's hard for me to define what is normal and what isn't, I compare my relationship to that of my friends who are also LTR and it doesn't seem any different - I just feel like I don't want to settle because I may regret it in later life... I may always wish I had fulfilled my desires whilst I am still young!

 

I just feel so confused :-(

[Lemonpeelz]

This is fairly common with couples who have been together since such an early age. My wife and I have been together since I was 17 and her 16. Like you after about 10 years we both expressed interest in other sexual partners. We talked about opening the marriage, swinging, threesomes and so on. Like you, my wife while still thinking I was attractive had lost a level of sexual desire, mostly because I matured and was no longer the hot headed bad boy.

 

Long story short, she cheated, we divorced and I went on a journey of sleeping with a ton of women.

 

Years later we've reconciled, remarried had a third child.

 

Through the whole mess, we have both realized what we lost those years back was the desire to engage with one another. We do didn't invest the same amount of effort and our marriage broke down.

 

Another thing, over the course of a long Marriage, your sexual attraction for your partner will not stay consistent. It hits peaks but also has valley's.

 

Lastly, there is a very good chance, I would say 100% that your husband is also lacking sexual attraction for you. Communicating will get you to a healthy solution. Lusting after other men will simply make you a cheater with more problems.

 

Thank you, that really does make me feel like we could work things out. I think you are right about him not being attracted to me, I am no lt as slim as I used to be nor do I make as much effort as I once did and I feel very self conscious on the rare occasions we do have sex - like who really wants to sleep with someone when you know they don't fancy the hell out of you!? I want him to look at me the way he used to - want to rip my clothes off but it's just not there anymore for either of us!

 

We have spoken about it but it doesn't seem to change things, I just hate that I don't feel that way anymore!

 

Can I please ask, how did you feel after you broke up? Did it feel amazing to be exploring different sexual partners or was that boring too?

[DKT3]

Thank you, that really does make me feel like we could work things out. I think you are right about him not being attracted to me, I am no lt as slim as I used to be nor do I make as much effort as I once did and I feel very self conscious on the rare occasions we do have sex - like who really wants to sleep with someone when you know they don't fancy the hell out of you!? I want him to look at me the way he used to - want to rip my clothes off but it's just not there anymore for either of us!

 

We have spoken about it but it doesn't seem to change things, I just hate that I don't feel that way anymore!

 

Can I please ask, how did you feel after you broke up? Did it feel amazing to be exploring different sexual partners or was that boring too?

I felt like *****, the sex was hollow and meaningless. To be honest, some parts of this mess has lead to individual growth for both my wife and myself. But we both wish it could have been different. Like not happened.

 

There is a difference between talking and communication. My wife talked about the issue but I didn't hear much. It just sounded like nagging, mostly because how the conversations started with one or both being angry about something.

[Lemonpeelz]

I felt like *****, the sex was hollow and meaningless. To be honest, some parts of this mess has lead to individual growth for both my wife and myself. But we both wish it could have been different. Like not happened.

 

There is a difference between talking and communication. My wife talked about the issue but I didn't hear much. It just sounded like nagging, mostly because how the conversations started with one or both being angry about something.

 

What would you suggest in terms of our sexlife? Is there any recommendations you can make to get that spark back?

 

I do want to make my marriage work and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, he has done it to me before when we were young so I know how hard it is.

 

Although we don't have any children together he has 15 year old son who I completely adore and I know if I was to cheat and get caught it would hurt him to.. I am a terrible liar and know I couldn't live with the guilt

[DKT3]

What would you suggest in terms of our sexlife? Is there any recommendations you can make to get that spark back?

 

I do want to make my marriage work and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, he has done it to me before when we were young so I know how hard it is.

 

Although we don't have any children together he has 15 year old son who I completely adore and I know if I was to cheat and get caught it would hurt him to.. I am a terrible liar and know I couldn't live with the guilt

 

This is the million dollar question, right?

 

There is no guaranteed way, or that it's even possible. So I he only real way to answer the questions is to proceed with integrity, honesty and in a way that you can live with, not in the he moment but a way that you can look back on and say I did the best I could.

 

What do I wish my wife had done in retrospect? Communicated with me from a calm place. You see it's our responsibility to communicate with our partners issues and concerns within the marriage. Start with how you feel, how serious it is for you, and how it is damaging the marriage from your perspective.

[amaysngrace]

I think you've lost attraction to him because his insides don't match his outsides and you know him well enough to know that.

[DKT3]

Another thing, how you feel about your body is your issue, unless your husband is making rude or unkind comments. Very good chance the few pounds doesn't impact how he sees you. In my experience, women are far harder on themselves then their men are.

 

There is an element of damage that your self image has on your sexlife.

[Dark-Farmer]

What do I wish my wife had done in retrospect? Communicated with me from a calm place.

 

This is where I think counselling come into play. It comes from wanting to truly fix things. Not getting mad/into an argument and just venting it out. It's take as "heat of the moment"

 

I OP you may have said something to your husband but it may have in inadvertently been rug swept. Just suggesting counseling will show more "urgency" if you will.

[Dark-Farmer]

Unfortunately what I've observed and experienced personally is that women (probably men too) in the age group of 24-28 tend to get a "itch"

 

A feeling that they missed out of being young, single and carefree. And sometimes sabotage their relationship to have one last party phase. This is more likely with people that had a low number of partners or are with highschool sweethearts.

 

Usually if they act on it they regret it though. It's a grass is greener on the other side scenario.

 

It's essentially a form of cold feet though.

 

You said you were with 9 other people sexually, but I assume this was before you and your husband were together; since you got together with him while 18 it makes and there were 9 people they must have been short term adolescent experiences.

Which isn't exactly the same as an adult sexual relationship/LTR.

Maybe you're thinking if your only real experience is what you really want for the rest of your life without tasting another example.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lemon, from what you've written I would suggest that you and your husband take a break from each other. Living on your own will give you a better perspective as to whether you still have a desire for him and vice versa. Of course you will have the opportunity to sleep around too, but then whether you do or not will determine the depth and breadth of your love and commitment to your husband. If you are so fickle as to be able to sleep around unabashedly and yet claim to love your husband then I guess you yourself will say you are not relationship material.

 

In the matter of having this wild desire to just have sex with someone else with no emotional attachment I think the GoTo person is Recent Change as she is more experienced about that dynamic than the others on here except those who have avowedly had open/ swinging marriages, currently or in the past. Warm wishes.

 

PS. RC, it was a surprise getting to know you had got married. Congratulations! I had thought that you and your partner were committed to a life of unmarried bliss!

[Cloudednconfused]

I feel your pain and am kind of in a similar situation minus the marriage and total loss of sexual attraction. I am trying to find a way to work on my relationship while having these thoughts of somebody else. Its been extremely difficult and draining. I think this is a make or break point in your relationship. I feel kind of silly and can't/should give you any advice because I am in no place to do that myself but I sincerely hope that you figure out the best move for yourself and have the strength to go through with it. Wishing you the best of luck.