Huge financial problems affecting relationship

[mom2one]

Hi, I'm new to the forum! I need some advice and hoping all you fine people can help!

 

I'm 23, mom to a gorgeous infant (4 month old female) and have been in a relationship with her father for a 5 years now.

 

Things were going great but now we've hit bottom. He works for the federal government (Canada) and they have this pay system that is totally messed up and pay cheques are delayed or issued in wrong amounts. I'm on mat leave and don't make that much and our finances are struggling!

 

We've been late on mortgage payments twice in 3 months and it scares me because we have a baby at home. Bills are piling up, and we argue and fight about finances almost weekly. I don't spend money unless I have to and unless it is for the baby. I recently found out he does a second job to work try and make ends meet and totally lying to me about where he goes at night. I tried to talk to him about it and he ends up causing a huge fight and says he never questions what I do. I ask him where he goes, hoping he will come clean, and its like either "out" or no answer.

 

He has faith that the pay stuff will be sorted out, but I am beginning get scared. Even with a second job, we are still having trouble. Our relationship is rock bottom, we don't talk never mind share a bed anymore, he's never home (works 9-5) and then this stupid secret second job. He makes condescending comments or mutters beneath his breath every time I buy something he doesn't think is necessary. I suggested we ask my dad for a loan and that turned out to be our biggest fight ever in 5 years and ended up with me leave and taking the baby for 4 days.

 

I don't understand why he is such a jack a** or so stubborn? It hurts me because I know he is struggling but he won't share anything or open up on anything even though I am his partner. He is barely spending time with his daughter and I feel like a single parent.

 

How do I get through to him and re-assure him he isn't in this alone and it affects us (me and the baby) or get him to just take the help from my family?

 

Sorry for the rant.

[darkmoon]

It is him alone who has to pay for all three of you, sorry, but he might just be finding you irritating in the way you look at that.

 

You will not make him relate to you any better by you going on about the predicament that he is currently in as sole breadwinner. If anything he sounds devoted, fed up, but devoted, slogging his guts out (and calling it "stupid" is a blatant insult). He obvsly does not want to be beholden to your father, like a child would be on an adult, but wants to be responsible, so be supportive of that.

Edited September 11, 2017 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

Money causes a lot of fights & stress.

 

Have you two ever sat down & made a budget? Try that.

 

Then figure out what & where you can cut. Some things may have to go -- gym memberships, magazine subscriptions etc. Some things can be paired down. Possible cancel cable; get a cheaper cell phone plan. If you have a new car with high payments, sell it & buy a reliable used car for less money. Do you cook? Are you making low cost healthy meals or do you do a lot of expensive take out?

 

Praise his efforts especially the 2nd job but work as a team to address the current situation.

 

Read a of the blogs about being frugal, thrifty &/or cheap.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry for your troubles. Especially because, this is not your fault. Hopefully they are able to resolve this issue soon because it's affecting many people.

 

Men can be proud and sometimes, that pride really gets in the way. I would be very unhappy about the lack of communication - what's up with the "secret" second job? He needs to be talking with you more, but obviously he's having a difficult time dealing with the stress of the situation. And, he must be exhausted, working two jobs.

I was also thinking the same thing... Is there anything you can do on your mat leave to bring in some more money? Can you take in another child to watch? Can you go back to work part time? Can you work from home at all?

[mom2one]

Thanks for the comments/suggestions. Right now all of my maternity benefits go toward making sure the baby has the necessities.

What I really don't like is the lack of communication. I don't doubt that he is a devoted partner but we are in this together. I want to help but he doesn't open the door so to speak. I feel like saying if we aren't a partnership and you don't respect me enough tonwork on things together than let's end it but we have a child together!

I've done everything I can; we don't splurge, we don't buy unless it's on sale and I have offered to go back to work.

It's tough.

[d0nnivain]

My husband isn't much of a talker. In desperation I once said to him, "If you don't start voicing an opinion I'm going to assume you don't have one & I'm going to make unilateral decisions. After I make those decisions, I will be furious if you complain. Talk now or forever hold your peace." Now I take his word for it when he says he doesn't care or that I'm free to do as I choose. When he doesn't speak up before hand he has enough sense to only be complementary later. This is on big decisions & little ones. I have redecorated entire rooms in 3 houses without his input. When he cares he shows up. If I'm torn between 2 things he can make the "final" decisions.

 

 

In your case, try making the budget without him. First step is just track spending. Then look at what can be eliminated. Then look at what can be cut. Show him the hard cold figures. See what he says.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the comments/suggestions. Right now all of my maternity benefits go toward making sure the baby has the necessities.

What I really don't like is the lack of communication. I don't doubt that he is a devoted partner but we are in this together. I want to help but he doesn't open the door so to speak. I feel like saying if we aren't a partnership and you don't respect me enough tonwork on things together than let's end it but we have a child together!

I've done everything I can; we don't splurge, we don't buy unless it's on sale and I have offered to go back to work.

It's tough.

 

I'm sorry. I hope things turn around for you soon.

Try to enjoy that little baby...

[anika99]

Surprised that I'm the only one who thinks the OP is getting the wool pulled over her eyes.

 

First of all I live in Canada, have friends with government jobs and there is no screwy system where cheques are late or issued for the wrong amounts. An error may happen once in a blue moon but that would be treated seriously and remedied quickly.

 

Funny because when I was also 23 yrs old and had a baby my kid'd dad tried the same trick on me. His cheques would be short and he would always blame the stupid accountant always messing up everyone's pay. Once there was no cheque at all and when I asked him why he claimed that the accountant went on 2 week vacation and forgot to sign the cheques. I asked when that was going to be fixed and he said it could't be fixed, everyone just had to wait for the acct to come back from holidays.

 

I was pretty naive but I wasn't that stupid. I knew damn well that there was no way they could just refuse to pay the whole staff for 2 weeks. Of course people have obligations to pay their bills, their mortgage, feed their kids. I went snooping and finally found his pay stubs hiding in his car. He was paid every 2 weeks on time and in full. Do you see his paystubs? Are you friends with any of his coworkers or their spouses? Can you ask them if they are also having problems being paid by the Government of Canada (really I'm sorry but that sounds laughable to me). Also how much should his pay be? People dont' get rich with government jobs but the pay is usually sufficient to cover the monthly bills if you are being careful.

 

Also about that second job. So he started disappearing in the evenings and wouldn't tell you where he was going but finally claimed to be working a 2nd job? So how come money is so tight if there is a 2nd job? Where is that money going? How much does he make at that job? Ask to see a pay stub.

 

Frankly I think you are being snowed OP. Your boyfriend has a government job, a second job, and you are receiving maternity leave but bills aren't being paid and the mortgage payments are late? I think you need to dig a little deeper.

[Trail Blazer]

Surprised that I'm the only one who thinks the OP is getting the wool pulled over her eyes.

 

First of all I live in Canada, have friends with government jobs and there is no screwy system where cheques are late or issued for the wrong amounts. An error may happen once in a blue moon but that would be treated seriously and remedied quickly.

 

Funny because when I was also 23 yrs old and had a baby my kid'd dad tried the same trick on me. His cheques would be short and he would always blame the stupid accountant always messing up everyone's pay. Once there was no cheque at all and when I asked him why he claimed that the accountant went on 2 week vacation and forgot to sign the cheques. I asked when that was going to be fixed and he said it could't be fixed, everyone just had to wait for the acct to come back from holidays.

 

I was pretty naive but I wasn't that stupid. I knew damn well that there was no way they could just refuse to pay the whole staff for 2 weeks. Of course people have obligations to pay their bills, their mortgage, feed their kids. I went snooping and finally found his pay stubs hiding in his car. He was paid every 2 weeks on time and in full. Do you see his paystubs? Are you friends with any of his coworkers or their spouses? Can you ask them if they are also having problems being paid by the Government of Canada (really I'm sorry but that sounds laughable to me). Also how much should his pay be? People dont' get rich with government jobs but the pay is usually sufficient to cover the monthly bills if you are being careful.

 

Also about that second job. So he started disappearing in the evenings and wouldn't tell you where he was going but finally claimed to be working a 2nd job? So how come money is so tight if there is a 2nd job? Where is that money going? How much does he make at that job? Ask to see a pay stub.

 

Frankly I think you are being snowed OP. Your boyfriend has a government job, a second job, and you are receiving maternity leave but bills aren't being paid and the mortgage payments are late? I think you need to dig a little deeper.

 

I completely agree. Something is amiss here. There is no way a government department would have such poor payroll systems which would allow this. My wife worked for 10 years in a government organization and I would have to say they had probably the most accurate and efficient payroll systems out of any organization.

 

If the OP's husband worked for some redneck junkyard in the deep south with a bunch of cowboys operating it then I might say that it's a possibility to have some problems like this. But he doesn't which is why it just doesn't stack up for mine. I think the OP definitely needs to do a lot more digging. I fear that some less than ideal truths might come out though.

[BaileyB]

Now, I may be wrong because I don't know much about it... but I was assuming that we were talking about the phoenix pay system. Last time I checked, there were still problems with the system - recently, someone new was assigned to deal with the problem and millions of dollars have been spent/wasted trying to fix the problem. Thousands of people have been affected with many being paid the wrong amount or not at all. So, it is entirely believable that this man may be having some problems with his paychecks.

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/topic/Tag/Phoenix%20Falling

 

"Since the federal government launched the consolidated pay system in February 2016, tens of thousands of public servants have found errors on their paycheques.

 

Federal workers, retirees, students and employees on leave have reported being overpaid, underpaid or not paid at all.

 

Nearly one in every two federal public servants paid through the problem-plagued Phoenix system has opened a file seeking redress for a pay issue, CBC News has learned.

 

As of Aug. 8, there were 156,035 employees who had been waiting at least 30 days to have their pay complaint dealt with, according to data released to Radio-Canada by a government source.

 

That number represents nearly one-half of the 313,734 public servants paid through Phoenix. It's the first instance in which the scope of the Phoenix payroll issues has been laid clear in terms of people affected.

Edited September 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[anika99]

Wow! I had no idea that was happening. I have several friends who work for the federal government and they haven't had a problem. Guess they are the lucky ones. Sorry OP for the ignorance of my other comment. I still think the secret second job sounds a bit fishy but I could be wrong about that too.

[ExpatInItaly]

A couple things to clarify:

 

1) Have you verified that your husband actually has this second job? Where does he work? His behaviour is questionable, which is why I would hope you have tangible evidence that this is where he disappears to at night. Have you seen pay stubs?

 

2) Is he affected by the Phoenix payroll fiasco, noted by BaileyB? Is that what you mean when you say his cheques have been so inconsistent and late?

 

3) How was your relationship before the baby came?

[Trail Blazer]

Wow! I had no idea that was happening. I have several friends who work for the federal government and they haven't had a problem. Guess they are the lucky ones. Sorry OP for the ignorance of my other comment. I still think the secret second job sounds a bit fishy but I could be wrong about that too.

 

Same here anika99. It just goes to show that anything is possible, hey?

[mom2one]

Same here anika99. It just goes to show that anything is possible, hey?

 

Perhaps people are right; I'm ignorant for not digging deeper like a few posters have suggested or perhaps there is something more going on? I'm ignorant for believing that my boyfriend would let me in treat me like a 50/50 partner in this relationship. One would think that after 5 years together he would see that I love him no matter what but I guess I am naive to believe that too!

I've decided to stay with my parents for a while. This is a really stressful situation and I'm at my wits end. I feel like we're so disconnected; like I've lost my best friend Perhaps we need the space.

I've also asked them for help so that I can lessen the burden on him, even if he doesn't want it or so damn stubborn to accept any!

I'm so naive in believing that things are going to work itself out. Part of this is on me I.

Edited September 14, 2017 by mom2one
Additions

[MJJean]

Get a job.

 

Your marriage is in trouble, your finances are in the red, and no matter how this shakes out in the end you're going to need an income that pays the bills. If you and your boyfriend stay together you'll need to work so this doesn't happen again. If you split you'll need to work to support yourself and your child. So, get a job.

 

If you do decide to ask your parents for financial help, be prepared for that to be a problem for your boyfriend. He's already said he doesn't want help from your parents. Don't be surprised if he sees going to them for money as a betrayal.

[stillafool]

How old is he? If you are 23 I imagine he is very young as well. Having a girl, baby and mortgage at that age is stressful and he probably feels he is missing out on his youth (as are you). He more than likely resents you and that is why he has shut down communication with you. It isn't fair because you are in the same boat as him. Can I ask why you two aren't married since you have a mortgage and a baby together?

[NexttP]

Sounds fishy. Could be pride, as some has said. Could be missing his youth, as another have said.

 

My question is.. what were you doing 18 months ago? Just before your daughter was conceived. When did things start to fall apart? Birth of the baby? 2nd trimester? When did your bf get "bored" of you?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Surprised that I'm the only one who thinks the OP is getting the wool pulled over her eyes.

 

<Snip>

 

Frankly I think you are being snowed OP. Your boyfriend has a government job, a second job, and you are receiving maternity leave but bills aren't being paid and the mortgage payments are late? I think you need to dig a little deeper.

 

A secret second job? Bull. Do you have access to the bank account?

Edited September 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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