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Old 9th September 2017, 2:15 AM   #1
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What am I doing wrong?????

Ok guys I'm new here .
I have spent countless nights awake reading forums , articles, columns, on the subjects- does my wife still love me , does she find me attractive , how to help her be more sexual , is my wife cheating and anything else along those lines.

Now here is my story .
Me and my wife have been together going on 9 years married 4 of them . Prior to our marriage we use to have great sex and were very intimate with each other . When we got married she was pregnant with our first child( wedding was planned before the pregnancy) from that point forward the sex just about died off .we now have 2 children at 19 months apart (3.5 yrs and 2yrs old). I understand that my wife have had hormones go crazy with the two kids back to back . I do my best to be understanding and caring .
i am struggling with not having sex . I am lucky to get it 1 time a week and it's usually a fight to get that . She would rather sit on Pinterest or watch tv after she gets done saying she is too tired to have sex . I personally could careless about tv when I have my beautiful wife laying next to me even when I'm tired . My wife is a stay at home mom that sleeps till 6am I am up for work at 3:30am and don't get home till around 7pm after running heavy equipment all day . I am usually exhausted but want to make time for us .
I am a vet caring husband and do my best to help my wife with the household chores and lighten her load a little . I do my best to may her feel like she is the most beautiful woman to walk this earth and make it know how attracted I am to her. I stop every couple of weeks and buy her a dozen roses just because I love her . I try so hard to make her want to be intimate with me and none of it works. I have made several trips to the sex shop to get things for the bedroom to try a spark something up and nothing is working . I am at such a loss here . I feel like I give 150% and don't get anything in return . I truly love my wife and want this to get better .
Please any advice would help ( I'm not the best writer , especially after being up 21 hours and depressed over this )
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Old 9th September 2017, 3:15 AM   #2
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Looking after a baby and toddler is very tiring. They really don't drain you.

Can't you arrange for a babysitter and take her out for the evening, without the pressure of sex at the end.

Try and have a regular monthly or so date night, where it's just they two of you, doing a nice activity.

Are you taking your time to get her in the mood? The fact that you say you fight to get it doesn't sound too good. You need to try and create the atmosphere that makes her feel romanced.

I know sex is important, but seeing intimate and maintaining and emotional connection is also important.

When you sex does she enjoy it? Do you pay attention and focus on her? I just feel if I'd been a push to actually get her to have sex, how good is it.

Try and give her alone time away from the miss just on her own. You get the whole day away from them while working, how kuch time away does she get?
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Old 9th September 2017, 3:40 AM   #3
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The fight usually comes after a week of rejection . There are times where she enjoys it, but for the most part she fusses and complains while doing it . Every time I try I don't just try and dive right in . I try an rub her all over (legs , back , stomach , also the fun areas ) I kiss her neck and she tells me to leave her alone. I truly understand that the kids are tough, and she need s a break . That's why I started paying for preschool 3 days a week (9am-12) . I do try an take her out , and the dates there is never sex involved because the kids don't stay at someone's else house . We get back home and the babysitter leaves . I try my hardest to make sure I take the right approach to put her in the mood .like last Friday I stopped at the sex shop and got some flavored lube to hopefully spark something talked with her telling her how beautiful she is trying to get her mind going . Annnnd nothing the lube went in the closet along with the rest of the failed sex shop attempts .today I tried again stopping at the sex shop after being rejected every night this week . I grabbed two oil massage candles to try and give her a nice relaxing sensual massage . I read every chance I had today how to give a great massage and the secret areas to get the blood flowing . Watched videos on my drive home . All to come in the the door walk up behind her in the kitchen while she was cooking . I hugged her tightly kissing her neck and she replies with " it's not going to happen ". ..... I read about women, listen to pod cast , I listen to her and what "her needs are". And I fail and am rejected over and over .
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Old 9th September 2017, 7:20 AM   #4
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Her view of herself may have changed. She went from sexual being to mommy. It's hard to switch back.

She's tired. You are tired too. You are being a good guy & a the hardworking breadwinner.

This is something that will take patience on your part. Work with her. Talk to her. Romance her more then just the flowers although that is a lovely gesture. Helping with the chores is a great start but you need to find out what she wants / needs
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Old 9th September 2017, 11:55 AM   #5
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And I am of a slightly different mindset...

Goodness, raising two small children is exhausting and I can definitely understand why she feels too tired for sex. But, it seems that she has a good guy who is trying to share a loving and intimate relationship with his wife... I feel that she has some responsibility to reciprocate when possible and I would be upset by her constant rejection too.
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Old 9th September 2017, 12:47 PM   #6
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Hi D10cat, have you two visited a counsellor? Also, maybe she should consult her gynaecologist about her hormonal levels and whether she needs to get some sort of hormone boost. If her estrogen and testosterone levels are way down then maybe her libido is at rock bottom.

Do you have family living close by? Maybe you could leave your kids with their Grandparents for a couple of days over the weekend and take a short vacation out of town. You have already tried many different approaches but they do n9t seem to have worked. Some out of the box thinking may be necessary. Don't give up hope. Warm wishes.
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Old 9th September 2017, 6:29 PM   #7
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With the hours you work and your wife running around after two toddlers on her own all day, I'm impressed that you manage to do it once a week!!
I suspect things will get better once the kids are a bit older.
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Old 10th September 2017, 12:30 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by D10cat View Post
but for the most part she fusses and complains while doing it ... she replies with " it's not going to happen ".
Some more context might help. Does she have a good social life outside of you and the kids? Does she have friends?

When she does enjoy it, what's different? Timing?

I'd say you have to have open and candid discussions about lots of things including this. You have to ask her what she wants/needs.

Is she cold outside of the bedroom? Do you guys cuddle? Do you talk openly about your day?
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Old 10th September 2017, 3:48 AM   #9
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Cool

I can really relate to and understand your frustration.
This is a common problem in many marriages. You two sound like a fairly young couple. You both still have alot to learn about each other, and yourselves. Men and woman are very different on this topic. We view, understand, interpret, and relate to sex and relationships sometimes in fundamentally very different ways.
In some ways, it sounds like you are trying too hard, and your wife isn't trying hard enough. You may not have effectively communicated to your wife why this is so important to you. There may be other relationship issues and problems that are playing out here in the bedroom as well. Counseling or a Mentoring program might be helpful. Your wife might not understand or fully appreciate just how potentially damaging and destructive this issue can be to the long term health of the relationship. You may need to learn about yourself and why this is important to you so you can effectively communicate your needs, desires, and wants in a way that doesn't end in a serious argument and relationship problems. Sometimes it is less threatening and easier to understand, when information that is controversial comes from another person. That is one reason mentoring and counseling is sometimes helpful in these type of problems.

Last edited by QuietDan; 10th September 2017 at 3:53 AM..
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Old 11th September 2017, 12:55 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by D10cat View Post
Ok guys I'm new here .
I have spent countless nights awake reading forums , articles, columns, on the subjects- does my wife still love me , does she find me attractive , how to help her be more sexual , is my wife cheating and anything else along those lines.

Now here is my story .
Me and my wife have been together going on 9 years married 4 of them . Prior to our marriage we use to have great sex and were very intimate with each other . When we got married she was pregnant with our first child( wedding was planned before the pregnancy) from that point forward the sex just about died off .we now have 2 children at 19 months apart (3.5 yrs and 2yrs old). I understand that my wife have had hormones go crazy with the two kids back to back . I do my best to be understanding and caring .
i am struggling with not having sex . I am lucky to get it 1 time a week and it's usually a fight to get that . She would rather sit on Pinterest or watch tv after she gets done saying she is too tired to have sex . I personally could careless about tv when I have my beautiful wife laying next to me even when I'm tired . My wife is a stay at home mom that sleeps till 6am I am up for work at 3:30am and don't get home till around 7pm after running heavy equipment all day . I am usually exhausted but want to make time for us .
I am a vet caring husband and do my best to help my wife with the household chores and lighten her load a little . I do my best to may her feel like she is the most beautiful woman to walk this earth and make it know how attracted I am to her. I stop every couple of weeks and buy her a dozen roses just because I love her . I try so hard to make her want to be intimate with me and none of it works. I have made several trips to the sex shop to get things for the bedroom to try a spark something up and nothing is working . I am at such a loss here . I feel like I give 150% and don't get anything in return . I truly love my wife and want this to get better .
Please any advice would help ( I'm not the best writer , especially after being up 21 hours and depressed over this )
Check your phone records for text and calling. Get a sense of how she is spending her time alone. Not saying she is cheating but this is possible. How does she act regarding her phone? Does she leave it around or does she have a code on it with a death grip? And while you have your needs for sure and absolutely in bounds here, she may be taking your attempts as being 'needy.' You may just want to 180 this some and act less interested for awhile.
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Old 11th September 2017, 9:48 PM   #11
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BTDT. Everything you're doing is attached to a reward (sex) for you. She knows this and to be on the other side is irritating, knowing that any nice gesture you may do is because you want sex in return. Detach sex and nice gestures and I bet her tune will slowly change (when she says "it's not happening", don't start a fight--say, I'm ok with that). At least, that was my experience as a wife & SAHM.
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Old 16th September 2017, 9:55 AM   #12
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Hi D, so what's the latest? Have you considered 40somethingguy's suggestion? Check your wife's phone to see who she is in contact with. Give us an update sometime. Warm regards.
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Old 18th September 2017, 1:42 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by 40somethingGuy View Post
Check your phone records for text and calling. Get a sense of how she is spending her time alone. Not saying she is cheating but this is possible. How does she act regarding her phone? Does she leave it around or does she have a code on it with a death grip? And while you have your needs for sure and absolutely in bounds here, she may be taking your attempts as being 'needy.' You may just want to 180 this some and act less interested for awhile.
40somethingGuy, I know you're suggesting this as help and something to think about, but lots of people on here love to jump to the conclusion of cheating when there are any kind of relationship problems.

D10cat, I personally don't think you should suspect her cheating unless you have good reason to. Don't go snooping around her ****, this is going to cause MAJOR trust issues between you two and make your relationship even worse. The fact that you didn't mention it in the beginning means that you don't suspect it at all, so best to not dwell on things like that which are probably not true at all.

She is a mom, she is tired, she probably feels self conscious about her baby weight, she is probably hormonal as you said and cranky.

I think she needs to know how important the physical aspect of your relationship is, but you also need to understand that she is a tired mom. I think counselling might help you guys, so you can hash things out and try to come to some kind of happy medium.

I wish you good luck!
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Old 30th September 2017, 5:29 AM   #14
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What are you doing wrong? You are pressuring her and not giving her time to breathe. You say sex happens once a week, that is not so bad under the circumstances with two small kids involved. In the meanwhile, you are on her case every single day to have sex with you. It pushes her away. And then fights happen on a weekly basis over it.
Personally, I would start resenting anyone who would guilty me and try talking me into something every day. It might kill her desire altogether. Be very careful.
Realize that her rejection might not have anything to do with you. It is not all about you and what you need, so stop being so selfish. People have different sex drives, and it can change for women after kids. You might be making her feel inadequate or frigid with all your insistence and that's not going to help her get back her libido, will it.
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Old 30th September 2017, 6:35 AM   #15
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If after work every night when you are tired and want to relax, your wife always urges you to cook her a gourmet meal.
YOU give in once a week, but upset by your refusal to up the frequency, she then comes home having been in the Cook Shop with a new frying pan one day for you, a kitchen gadget the next, then a video of how to debone a chicken the next... on and on, trying to spark your interest in cooking...
How would you feel?
I guess as soon as you saw that expectant look in her eye you would also be saying "it's not going to happen"...
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