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Wife is forcing me take a job I don't want.


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So let me give you the breakdown.

 

I recently quit a soul-sucking job and considered working back at a job where my wife works at. But the problem with my wife's job is that they only hire once a year. It's been 2 months since I've worked a full time job. With no guarantee I'll get hired at her job, I continued to search for full time employment and I found the perfect job. I can see myself here long term. It's great. 401k, insurance, the whole nine. Also, it's a flexible schedule where I can work whenever I want which would allow me to get a second job so we can pay off debt. I had the interview and Ace'd it. But my wife wants me to turn down the job offer and work at her job.

 

Her job . . . not so glamorous. I worked there before but left it because I didn't like it. No benefits besides health insurance that you get after working for one year (she says after 90 days now.) Unpredictable schedule (schedule changes week-to-week, sometimes daily so it'll be hard to get a second job). Also, too much politics.

 

Now both jobs pay roughly the same amount but the job I like has better career advancement. Also, we're starting a family soon and the hours for the job I like work great because she'll work at night and I'll work during the day since we don't have family to help take care of the baby.

 

I can work at her job but i don't want to pass up this PERFECT opportunity. I've discussed this with her numerous times, explaining everything stated here. But she still wants me to work with her. I know they say happy wife, happy life but if I turn down this job, I feel I will resent her. And if I take the job, she'll resent me (she snapped on me the other day when I signed up for the drug test for the new job.)

 

I just don't know what to do and no one to talk to considering all my friends are single or they looked to me for advice in these situations. But I need some guidance.

 

Also to give some back history:

 

Before we got married, I worked at a different job and a coworker & I had a "thing". We never had sex or anything but we did go pass the flirting limitations. My then-girlfriend (aka wife) knew nothing about it until I broke the news to her. To resolve the situation, I ended all communication with the coworker and eventually quit the job which led to the soul-sucking job that I recently quit. This happen 2-3years ago and I've worked hard to repair the relationship every step of the way. I believe this is playing into her decision for wanting me work at her job. So she can keep an eye on me.

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You're going to be responsible for the decision either way. Just as you're responsible for being faithful.

 

What you need to do is sit down with your wife one more time. Listen to what she has to say. Pay attention to her concerns. There may have been something you missed or are not aware of. Really listen and pay attention.

 

Then, when you have all of the information, make the best decision for you and your family. That's really your job as a man. To make the best decision for you and your family. Not to do everything she wants.

 

Own it. Don't try to put the blame on her. If you're right, own it. If you're wrong, own. Just say you did what you thought was best at the time, fix it, and move on if you find out you were wrong. Most women will respect that. That you seriously listened to her concerns and that you sincerely tried to do what was best. But, you make the call. Take responsibility for the decision because it's your responsibility anyway.

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Regarding your dream job... are you responsible with a flexible work schedule?

 

Will you work hard to earn your income?

 

Will you resent your wife if you don't take the dream job?

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Come right out and talk to your wife about why you think she doesn't want you working there and help reassure her to put her fears to rest.

 

If she's feeling insecure because you've acted inappropriately in the past your first JOB is to help her to feel secure in your marriage.

 

Stop only thinking about yourself. You're a team now.

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I'm of the theory that two married people are best not working for the same company in case something happens to that company.

 

If you were both finding yourself without a job at the same time it could be devastating.

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Is your new job in sales? Will you work on commission?

 

Neither job is in sales. Both jobs are dependable income. Dream job is in medical industry and her job is production/shipping industry.

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Regarding your dream job... are you responsible with a flexible work schedule?

 

Will you work hard to earn your income?

 

Will you resent your wife if you don't take the dream job?

 

1. Yeah, I'm great with time management.

2. Yes, even at the soul-sucking job, I worked hard to the very last day.

3. Now that I think about, no wouldn't because eventually I may hate my dream job. Though their would be the what-ifs.

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And that's one of the fears that I have. I worked for a company where a couple was laid off and they had no savings to speak of.

 

As for me and my wife, she's worked at her job for three years and is still in a temporary position. Though she is close to promotion, once she is hired on for a permanent position, she'll receive amazing benefits. That's if she is hired and there is no budget cuts. But I'll be walking into the same situation.

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You're going to be responsible for the decision either way. Just as you're responsible for being faithful.

 

What you need to do is sit down with your wife one more time. Listen to what she has to say. Pay attention to her concerns. There may have been something you missed or are not aware of. Really listen and pay attention.

 

Then, when you have all of the information, make the best decision for you and your family. That's really your job as a man. To make the best decision for you and your family. Not to do everything she wants.

 

Own it. Don't try to put the blame on her. If you're right, own it. If you're wrong, own. Just say you did what you thought was best at the time, fix it, and move on if you find out you were wrong. Most women will respect that. That you seriously listened to her concerns and that you sincerely tried to do what was best. But, you make the call. Take responsibility for the decision because it's your responsibility anyway.

 

 

Thanks, I liked what you said here. This really hit home for me. I can use this advice throughout my life.

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Come right out and talk to your wife about why you think she doesn't want you working there and help reassure her to put her fears to rest.

 

If she's feeling insecure because you've acted inappropriately in the past your first JOB is to help her to feel secure in your marriage.

 

Stop only thinking about yourself. You're a team now.

 

You're right. Instead of speculating, I need to get to the root of the problem and find out what's going on with my better half because it could be something else that's bothering her or she just needs that reassurance. Thanks!

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Good! Talk to her and hopefully you two can both get on board with your new job but if she doesn't want you to take it because she's still uncomfortable about things from the past you're going to need to respect that.

 

That's a deep cut.

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I think your wife really just needs reassurance that you won't cheat on her in your new job. Have you tried offering such reassurance (and meaning it)? Some other ways you can reassure her is inviting her to co-worker dinners/drinks (within reason, of course) so she can meet all your colleagues, and offering her access to your phone - I don't generally recommend this, but since in your case you actually cheated (emotionally) before, it could be a reasonable choice to do so.

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You seem to not like a lot of jobs and quit because of that. Maybe you should look into why that is. Don't forget that your wife has also supported you quitting a job without one to replace it. I'm not saying you should have stayed but that is quite a big deal, especially as you say you have debt and want to start a family. It is always easier to find a job when you already have one.

 

You need to find out why your wife wants you to work with her. Keeping an eye on you is only speculation (although may be true). Your wife should also be communicating this to you. Have you considered that it could be due to the different work schedules? He working days and you working nights will leave you very little time together.

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You seem to not like a lot of jobs and quit because of that. Maybe you should look into why that is. Don't forget that your wife has also supported you quitting a job without one to replace it. I'm not saying you should have stayed but that is quite a big deal, especially as you say you have debt and want to start a family. It is always easier to find a job when you already have one.

 

You need to find out why your wife wants you to work with her. Keeping an eye on you is only speculation (although may be true). Your wife should also be communicating this to you. Have you considered that it could be due to the different work schedules? He working days and you working nights will leave you very little time together.

 

Very good points.

 

Also not enough info on either job to offer guidance, nor

your education, skills, career path options.

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Wow. I can see your dilemma...take the dream job but alienate your wife. Or take the other job and risk resenting your wife. Both are undesirable as they both have significant potential consequences. It seems, from your post, your wife may believe your working away from her might cause you to "flirt" again with another coworker. But nothing is worse than being in a job you absolutely dread. Have you considered talking to a counselor or a pastor about your situation? Someone like that has dealt with situations similar to this and may help you find a way to communicate your concerns to your wife in a way that she can see your side of the issue. Or, couples counseling might be an appropriate venue too. That way, in the presence of a trained professional, you both can present to each other your concerns and maybe come up with a mutual decision that both of you can accept. Either way, getting the advice/help from a professional might be a perfect way to help you two resolve this super important issue. I'm praying you two find a way forward you both can accept. Congrats on the little one!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know I'm late to the party, but....in my opinion....the choice of job is obvious. Take the one you think you'd like, not the one that would bum you out. If your career and mental health matters to you at all you definitely want to pick the dream job. Plus, any normal, sensible, supportive wife would give you the same advice. Why she would want you to pick the crappy job...I don't know. If it's because she wants to keep an eye on you or keep you on a short leash, well, that's a whole other matzah ball you have to sort out.

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