In laws offered to buy us a home 😦

[covfefe]

:confused:My husband and I are not perfect. We get in arguments here and there and the reality is they usually stem from something my husband is upset about. He gets upset I come home from work and take a nap. He thinks it's lazy but I enjoy being able to recharge. Sometimes I don't enjoy it though and wish I wasn't so tired. I have hashimotos so it's possible it's why I get tired. I also am the messier one of the two and he can't stand if I leave a dish out etc. I also cook way more than him for us and am much more happy go lucky. He is more the brooding focused never satisfied with himself and always pushing to do better.

 

We have gotten into arguments in the past and while he is calm and probably knows he's pissing me off I can't handle it and I have said things I regret. Like I cannot do this anymore, or why are you with me then? Basically things leading to divorce without actually saying it. I don't mean it. I don't know why I do it other than my upbringing. -Toxic parents divorce and alcoholic mom with no self esteem. I also am seeing a counselor to help work on it. He will never say things that are terminal like it's done. Etc but he will call me a moron or tell me to shut up etc. though he thinks my spats are much worse and more hurtful. He also refuses to see a counselor as he majored in psychology and refuses to have someone tell him either a load of crap or something he already knows. I have begged him to go. He won't.

 

Anyway he has been talking to his parents lately about how we are looking to buy a home. His parents are wealthy. We are not. They do not support us financially at all. He sort of wanted them to know we were looking so that it would be possible they would offer to help us with a down payment. He didn't want to ask them directly though. We live in a very high cost living for homes and to purchase would have to move about 40 miles away maybe less from our current area. While we were only looking for a very small down payment or just reassurance we could borrow money for our month to month if we lost a job etc. his Dad called us back and said they wanted to outright buy us a home. He said he also wanted us to buy the one we felt was perfect for basically the rest of our lives because he has lost a lot of money buying starter homes and re selling at a loss. The budget he gave us would buy us a really nice home right in our same area. We would still be paying property taxes and insurance etc.

 

Anyway... my husband told him on the phone it was very generous. We are not ready to purchase yet we were thinking to wait maybe in about a year and that he would talk it over with me.

 

So my husband basically tells me that while it is extremely generous I have to understand as of right now we are free from them. If they buy us a home there will be strings attached. Asking when will there be grandkids or wanting to stay all of the time. (They live in another country, but can easily fly down but they usually have us come there.) and the general feeling like you are living a lie because we didn't pay for it. He is worried his colleagues will catch on as they are friends and it will affect his pay at work because they will see he doesn't need a raise etc. basically just the general embarrassment that people will obviously know we could not afford a house like that without his parents help.

 

My mom is also in a bad living situation and I would have to kindly say she cannot move in. Which is heartbreaking but this is how it would be. My husband would not allow her to live there.

 

He is worried we will have way more fights as we already have had some bad fights and we don't even have the pressure of a home.

 

I get his concerns meanwhile I am like OMG we could be in a dream house. With a washing machine! And storage space! I told him it sort of makes me feel like he doesn't want permanence with me by declining and that maybe he should purchase the house without my name on it.

 

I am just bummed because this could be incredible, but could also be bad. I feel like he may actually decide to turn down the offer. Or who knows wait too long and his parents will change their mind. This only happened yesterday but I cannot stop thinking about it. It's like the American Dream to have a home. I don't want to bug him about it unless he brings it up. I am worried he will tell them thanks but no thanks and we will be stuck in our tiny apt with no washing machine forever.

 

I know these are very first world problems I would just love some advice.

[covfefe]

Oh and also to never hear the people above us having sex again! Lol it really drives me crazy.

[anika99]

In regards to your in-laws buying a house for you I would say your husband has some valid concerns. He knows his parents better than you and if he says that gift would come with strings attached then it's probably true. That's not a situation I would feel comfortable with at all. His parents could become a nightmare. Also since its his parents who bought the house you might always feel like it's more his house than yours. You already know he wouldn't welcome your mother and you may up feeling like he controls everything because his parents bought the house you live in.

 

I'd say the most you should ask of his parents is for the down payment, as a loan that both you and your husband will pay back to them. Anything more generous than that could wind up being really bad, more so for you than your husband.

 

As for the arguments you already have with your husband all I can say is that the two of you are poisoning your marriage with how you communicate with each other. He insults you and calls you names and you talk as though you're ready to walk out. He is wrong when he says what he says isn't as bad as what you say. Words stick with us and lead to irreparable damage. If he won't attend counselling with you then maybe the two of you could read a book or two together about effective communication. You and especially he has to be willing to do something to improve this situation or you're going to wind up hating each other.

[zinnia9876]

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Either they buy you a big house that everyone will know you couldn't afford or no house at all? Why couldn't they loan you enough for a smaller house or at least a downpayment? Then you would be out of your bad living condition, but wouldn't have to be defensive to coworkers, etc.

Also, I am happy to hear you are seeing a therapist, but I agree with anika99, you two need to work together on your relationship. There's a book called Love and Respect, I think by a man with the last name Eckridge. Also, my husband and I read Fight your Way to a Better Marriage by Dr Greg Smalley and Opposites Attack by Jack and Carole Mayhall. Both of these helped our marriage immensely.

[dichotomy]

If they buy the home for you - but the legal paperwork (title etc) are in your name - why not?

 

Parents are going to stick their noses in your business and have expectations no matter what.

 

If your going to have kids - a wonderful home in a nice area is so important

 

As for work - nobody gives raises because they think the employee needs the money - they pay what they think your worth - or what others will pay you. Also with no mortgage - you have freedom to change jobs easier - or even if your fired - you have a place to live.

 

In my view - a nice home in a nice area is one life's biggest achievements and security. I pay off my home in about 9 years and I can't wait to own it outright before I retire. Such a burden will be lifted with no mortgage a roof over my head and only property taxes and basic maintenance.

 

Take the offer - or at the very least get 45% of something so you can feel you own the majority of it.

Edited September 6, 2017 by dichotomy

[lucy_in_disguise]

That's very generous but personally I could never accept such an offer. I would rather live in a small apartment that I paid for myself than in a big house with strings attached. I think your husband is right that it will add more pressure to your relationship and more stress where there was none before.

 

If they are so wealthy they can help you guys with a loan for a down payment on a place you can afford. That would get you out of your current living situation while allowing you to maintain your independence from his parents.

 

Working together toward your own house will bring you together as a couple, while accepting a gift with strings attached that he's not totally comfortable with can drive you apart.

[knabe]

I'm sorry....but I would NOT allow my parents to buy a home for me. Honestly, I'd be embarrassed to accept such an offer. You need to make your own way.

[Els]

IMO there are far bigger issues between you and your H than buying a home. It's very concerning, the things he gets on your back about, and the way he talks about them. I hope he is willing to compromise on them and learn to accept you more and communicate with you better.

 

Anyway... re: the home, I actually agree with your H. Such largesse ALWAYS comes with strings attached. If those parents do indeed want to come and live with you in the house that they bought for you... would you TRULY be okay with that? Would it truly be worth it for you?

 

I also agree with the others on why you can't seem to find middle ground between a tiny apartment with no washing machine, or a smaller home. You could get a small loan from his parents for a downpayment (and heck, even for a washing machine...), that you two could pay back over the next few years.

[d0nnivain]

Everything including this house comes at a price.

 

 

If you go the conventional route you will be saddled with mortgage debt; you will be able to pay off a mortgage in 30 years. If you accept this generous "gift" you will emotionally pay for it FOREVER. Your husband can see all the strings attached to this. His parents will feel entitled to interfere in all your marital decisions & your husband will feel emasculated, forever under his parents' thumb. That is very steep price to pay for a washing machine & some storage space.

 

 

You want that house but you have no meaningful understanding of the true costs.

[Ahurtgirl]

My ex in-laws were also very wealthy. Instead of helping out their kids, they ended up spending over a million on nursing home care for themselves before they both passed. Explain to your husband that his parents can either help him now or watch his parents savings go to an advanced living facility to pay for crappy care when they are older. I guess some people would rather the money go to complete strangers than accepting help from a parent.

[knabe]

My ex in-laws were also very wealthy. Instead of helping out their kids, they ended up spending over a million on nursing home care for themselves before they both passed. Explain to your husband that his parents can either help him now or watch his parents savings go to an advanced living facility to pay for crappy care when they are older. I guess some people would rather the money go to complete strangers than accepting help from a parent.

 

This isn't help. This is a gimmie. And a "dream house"? The OP doesn't just want a house; she wants a "dream house." That screams entitlement to me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If they buy the home for you - but the legal paperwork (title etc) are in your name - why not?

 

Parents are going to stick their noses in your business and have expectations no matter what.

If your going to have kids - a wonderful home in a nice area is so important

 

As for work - nobody gives raises because they think the employee needs the money - they pay what they think your worth - or what others will pay you. Also with no mortgage - you have freedom to change jobs easier - or even if your fired - you have a place to live.

 

In my view - a nice home in a nice area is one life's biggest achievements and security. I pay off my home in about 9 years and I can't wait to own it outright before I retire. Such a burden will be lifted with no mortgage a roof over my head and only property taxes and basic maintenance.

 

Take the offer - or at the very least get 45% of something so you can feel you own the majority of it.

 

Haha, so true! OP, even if your in-laws didn't give you a dime toward the house, you'd be dealing with them wanting to stay with you when they visit....especially once you give them grandkids.

 

I like the idea of 45%, which would still help tremendously. Tell them once you have kids they can open 529s for them and pay for their college.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My ex in-laws were also very wealthy. Instead of helping out their kids, they ended up spending over a million on nursing home care for themselves before they both passed. Explain to your husband that his parents can either help him now or watch his parents savings go to an advanced living facility to pay for crappy care when they are older. I guess some people would rather the money go to complete strangers than accepting help from a parent.

 

For some reason I'm not following this. If they are wealthy, it's entirely possible they also have long term care insurance. Are you suggesting they accept the offer of the house and then when the in-laws get older, they come live with them?

[MuddyFootprints]

My ex in-laws were also very wealthy. Instead of helping out their kids, they ended up spending over a million on nursing home care for themselves before they both passed. Explain to your husband that his parents can either help him now or watch his parents savings go to an advanced living facility to pay for crappy care when they are older. I guess some people would rather the money go to complete strangers than accepting help from a parent.

 

What selfish parents, planning for their care in their most elderly days.

[SunnyWeather]

I really don't see this as 'living a lie', as you wrote. It is quite common in some cultures for parents to buy a first home for their children. If you already have serious issues with them, and do not like or get along with them, I could understand your reservations. But, the reasons or 'strings' you cited are minor annoyances compared to the bigger picture. You just need to set some boundaries, and make sure they are not on the deed, and both of you are.

 

This is a great opportunity and one that won't come around very often. I'd reconsider

 

ETA: this business about what others may think or that your husband will be passed up for a raise is false thinking. If anything, owning a home brings about a different kind of respect, whether rightly deserved or not

Edited September 6, 2017 by SunnyWeather
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[dichotomy]

What selfish parents, planning for their care in their most elderly days.

 

 

Depends on where you live, and how much money you have - but with my late mother it was important she burned through as much of her money - staying in her own home with in home nurse- before she was to go to a nursing home. The way medicare works is - you pay all your money first on nursing home - get to zero dollars in your savings - THEN medicare pays for your nursing home. If you come with zero then we pay right away for you.

 

So there is a concept that you need to give or spend your money away rather than giving it to the nursing home. Many legal ways to also set aside money from being counted.

 

But if your very wealthy - there are some very nice high end assisted living places and you can live a very nice last years there before a final short stay in a basic nursing home.

Edited September 7, 2017 by dichotomy

[BettyDraper]

It's best not to accept large sums of money or homes from parents as a married adult because that means the parents will always have a stake in your life. Nothing is free in this world.

 

You will feel much more accomplished and proud of yourselves if you save up and buy your own home. Moving 40 miles away to buy a home is hardly a huge sacrifice; couples do that all the time in North America. It's almost become a rite of passage to leave an expensive area to relocate to a cheaper place in order to buy a home. You cannot have everything you want in life; there are always tradeoffs when you make life changing decisions.

 

I've known people who let their parents give them down payments or allowed their parents to buy them homes. It usually led to parents thinking that they could control every decision relating to the house or coming over whenever they felt like it. I wouldn't want to live like that.

 

My parents wanted to pay for my wedding so that the event would suit my mother's vision. We had a private ceremony instead. My parents did not buy our home; my husband and I lived in small apartments for five years so that we could save.

[mikeylo]

OP, accept the offer only if you are ready to pay the price. The price is : them having a control over your lives, going in / out of 'their' house as they please , telling you stuff ( not advising or suggesting) etc etc.