Jump to content

Conflicted: soon to be ex or new gf


Recommended Posts

I tried replying to my previous post but it wouldn't let me. I will post a link to it. Here is the snapshot:

 

Been with my soon to be ex for 16 years and married for 13

Things were great for the first 12-13 years

Last 3-4 years have sucked.

Haven't gone on a date for over 3 years

Sex became almost non existent

She got Lyme Disease last year but is mostly fine now

I moved out 3 months ago

I have a new gf that is much younger.

 

I left my wife and moved out. Been about 3 months now. I'm dating a much younger woman and things have been mostly great. I'm 41 and she's 24. Been seeing her for about 3 months now but have known her much longer. We have a crazy connection and things are great. We've already gone on 2 week long vacations this summer and tons of dates. We spend most nights together and I'm really happy with her

 

 

That said, my soon to be ex now wants to fix things. She's been doing everything to get me back. Taking care of herself, getting help for her depression, wearing makeup, wanting to go on dates, and vacations, and to be way more sexually active. We haven't had any intomacy in over 3 months now including kissing or anything. This has been my choice because of my gf.

 

I'm crazy about the gf and I will always love my wife. I'm not sure how serious my wife is about changing for real this time or if it's just a way for her to suck me back into the misery. I've been happy for the first time in a long time since being with the other woman but I am also afraid of forever losing the true love of my life. I'm also afraid of losing the new woman because she's awesome

Link to post
Share on other sites

GF is to young for you.

 

Ex wife may just be trying to suck you back in.

 

If you go ex-wife route keep living apart and

just date her for a year to see if she can maintain

her changed ways.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes

It was awfully unfair to your new GF for you to pick her up in the rebound while you're still unsure about your maybe-ex-wife. Think what a dick you'd be for using her to make yourself feel better and then dumping her so you can fall back into what's easy.

 

Most likely you shouldn't be dating ANYONE right now. Slow down.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Chardonnay Renée
It was awfully unfair to your new GF for you to pick her up in the rebound while you're still unsure about your maybe-ex-wife. Think what a dick you'd be for using her to make yourself feel better and then dumping her so you can fall back into what's easy.

 

Most likely you shouldn't be dating ANYONE right now. Slow down.

 

I was thinking the exact same thing. If he dumps her for his wife... OMG! How awful for that poor girl. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

In all honestly I'm falling in love with the new gf. I don't think she is a rebound at all. Yes, she is young but is mature way beyond her years. She's super intelligent and has a solid career. Working towards her second masters degree and then her PHD. I clearly chose her over my wife as that's why I'm with her. I agree I would be a total ass to go back to my wife and hurt this girl. I do care deeply for her and I do want a future with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise

24 and 41... Wow... That's a big age gap. And you must be on totally different phases in life if she's still finishing her education. Where do you see your relationship going? Does she want kids some day? Do you want them in your late forties/ early fifties? Do you plan to retire some day and how will you reconcile your retirement at the peak of her career? Is she eager to be a caretaker some day?

 

I think you are kidding yourself that new girl is not a rebound. But i also don't think it's an either/ or choice to stay with new girl or go back to wife. How about stay single for a year to process your divorce?

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I tried replying to my previous post but it wouldn't let me. I will post a link to it. Here is the snapshot:

 

Been with my soon to be ex for 16 years and married for 13

Things were great for the first 12-13 years

Last 3-4 years have sucked.

Haven't gone on a date for over 3 years

Sex became almost non existent

She got Lyme Disease last year but is mostly fine now

I moved out 3 months ago

I have a new gf that is much younger.

 

I left my wife and moved out. Been about 3 months now. I'm dating a much younger woman and things have been mostly great. I'm 41 and she's 24. Been seeing her for about 3 months now but have known her much longer. We have a crazy connection and things are great. We've already gone on 2 week long vacations this summer and tons of dates. We spend most nights together and I'm really happy with her

 

 

That said, my soon to be ex now wants to fix things. She's been doing everything to get me back. Taking care of herself, getting help for her depression, wearing makeup, wanting to go on dates, and vacations, and to be way more sexually active. We haven't had any intomacy in over 3 months now including kissing or anything. This has been my choice because of my gf.

 

I'm crazy about the gf and I will always love my wife. I'm not sure how serious my wife is about changing for real this time or if it's just a way for her to suck me back into the misery. I've been happy for the first time in a long time since being with the other woman but I am also afraid of forever losing the true love of my life. I'm also afraid of losing the new woman because she's awesome

 

Let your wife go. Your marriage is dead and even if the love is there, you and your wife couldn't make the marriage work. Sex and intimacy is going to be an issue as your wife doesn't like sex.

 

If you lose the OW for whatever reason, maybe it would be best for you to be on your own and grow...To end a marriage and then start a new life with someone else so quickly isn't healthy.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

The age gap is screaming out here. Look at the long term picture here .... can you see marriage/children? I'm not saying you're too old for kids, but will you be able to keep up with your GF in another 10/15/20 years.

 

She'll be able to attract men her own age.

Will the families be okay it?

 

One thing stood out from your post.

 

I am also afraid of forever losing the true love of my life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine

Wife only wants you back because women love nothing more than some serious competition. Especially of a young, beautiful woman. The moment you drop the new gf, everything will go back to the same old with wife.

 

The gf is a rebound, you are clearly not over your marriage not to mention too young for you.

 

How about being single for a while?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Let your wife go. Your marriage is dead and even if the love is there, you and your wife couldn't make the marriage work. Sex and intimacy is going to be an issue as your wife doesn't like sex.

 

It wasn't necessarily that his wife didn't like sex, it all came to a head because she was very ill with Lyme disease.

She, like a lot of people with the disease had a protracted recovery period but the OP got upset when she wouldn't put out for him, so he went off with his OW...

Edited by elaine567
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You are currently married. Either fix your marriage and work together with your wife or get divorced.

 

You should not be having a girlfriend while you are able to question what you should do.

 

Your question here alone says you need to drop the girlfriend and spend some time alone to determine where you are and what you want in life.

 

At this moment, because you don't know these things and are indecisive you are causing two women serious pain.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you really going to do this yet again with your wife?

 

I mean, you took forever and a day to make a decision about your marriage and in the end, you cheated and she made the decision. She has done this before - given you the impression that she wanted to make it work but she has always gone back to the behaviors that have caused you to be chronically unhappy in your marriage.

 

This is, what they would call, a vicious circle...

 

Otherwise, I would say that it is a little much to be taking two week vacations with a woman you've only been dating for three months. A 24 year old woman with whom, the only things you probably have in common are that you both like to work out and have sex.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
In all honestly I'm falling in love with the new gf. I don't think she is a rebound at all. Yes, she is young but is mature way beyond her years. She's super intelligent and has a solid career. Working towards her second masters degree and then her PHD. I clearly chose her over my wife as that's why I'm with her. I agree I would be a total ass to go back to my wife and hurt this girl. I do care deeply for her and I do want a future with her.
There is no "future' with this newer model. One man's opinion. Could be wrong. Don't think so...

 

good luck

 

take care

Edited by whatnot
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

W2D, it seems like you're a needy person. You cannot tolerate being single and at your age you shouldn't be mistaking infatuation for love. Of course your relationship with your rebound is great-it just started! :rolleyes: That's how most relationships begin.

 

I feel sorry for this younger woman because she's being manipulated by a much older man who only thinks of himself. I doubt that you are "in love" with your girlfriend. You enjoy the sex and the attention from a young and beautiful woman who makes you feel like you still "got it." This infatuation with a younger woman is a misguided attempt to heal your grief from the loss of your marriage. She's way too young for you no matter how mature she seems and this is coming from a woman who prefers older men. I like my men about 5-10 years my senior. An unpleasant truth is that young women love the financial stability which being with an older man can provide.

 

As for your wife, it's clear that she merely upset that you have moved on so she is trying to win you back. Remember when your wife started to make changes until you bought a house? If you go back to your wife, then be prepared for her to become complacent enough to treat you poorly again.

 

I don't think you should be dating just now. Stay single for at least a year or two. Speaking to a counselor would also be helpful. Being unable to stay single is a sign of deeper issues.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I was thinking the exact same thing. If he dumps her for his wife... OMG! How awful for that poor girl. :(

 

Well that's a tad dramatic. He doesn't owe the girl his life just because he has been dating her for a few months. New relationships fail in the first year of dating all the time and for many reasons. Just because you date someone for a few months doesn't mean you are now obligated to them for the rest of your life. When a woman decides to date a newly separated man who is not yet divorced then she is agreeing to take a certain risk. Just like the OP is taking a risk in dating a girl almost 20 yrs younger than him. There is a good chance that poor girl is going to dump him at some point.

 

OP it's always bad form to pick between 2 people. When people try to choose between 2 people they want some crystal ball that tells them the one they pick will be the right choice and give them the best outcome, but that is simply not possible. The choice to stay married or to divorce should never be based on a 3rd person it should be based on the marriage and the people in the marriage and whether or not you think the marriage is salvageable and has value. Your decision should have zero to do with another person.

 

There is no guarantees and no matter who you pick it's not going to be all blue skies and clear sailing. There will be problems and issues that will arise in either relationship. As your wife nears menopause she will go through more changes and her sex drive may drop for a time again. Do you value her enough to be able to go through that transition with her? The young girl is a total crap shoot. She may hit 30 and wonder why she has tied herself down to someone almost old enough to be her father and leave you to go spread her wings. Or she might hit 35 and suddenly decide she needs to have kids and you will be looking at raising young children and teens into your sixties. At 24 years old she is going to change a lot over the next 20 yrs and so there is no way for you to know what the future holds with her. I think when trying to decide if you should reconcile with your wife or not you should take your gf right out of the equation and base your choice on the marriage and your wife.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
It wasn't necessarily that his wife didn't like sex, it all came to a head because she was very ill with Lyme disease.

She, like a lot of people with the disease had a protracted recovery period but the OP got upset when she wouldn't put out for him, so he went off with his OW...

 

I agree, though I do think she didn't like sex with him. There are other intimate acts one can do and she didn't want to do those either.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It wasn't necessarily that his wife didn't like sex, it all came to a head because she was very ill with Lyme disease.

She, like a lot of people with the disease had a protracted recovery period but the OP got upset when she wouldn't put out for him, so he went off with his OW...

 

If you read the OP's threads, you will see that his ex-wife magically became well when it was time to do something she wanted. She refused to go out on dates or look after their child. Whenever the OP's ex wife sensed that he was losing interest in the marriage, she offered to have sex with him during those times. The OP's ex pretended to be interested in improving the marriage so that he would buy a house and then she was conveniently ill again. Now she is well enough to try to entice the OP back into the marriage.

 

Lyme disease can be debilitating but the OP's wife was using it as a convenient excuse whenever it suited her. She is a very manipulative woman.

 

That said, I don't agree with the OP's decision to have an affair because he wasn't brave enough to end the marriage honorably.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi OP, what if you get ED in a few years time just when your GF ( Possible wife by then) is at the peak of her sexual drive? If nothing else, your testosterone levels may drop due to age having a direct impact on your libido. You will put your GF in exactly the same position you are with your wife! There is a generational gap between you and your GF. The other thing is your GF may just be sowing her wild oats right now and when the time comes around to find a long term partner she will dump you a few years down the line for a young Virgil man well placed to be her partner in life. How would you feel then? Maybe something like what your wife is undergoing right now. Listen to the wise advice of others and stay single for a while to find your bearings. Warm wishes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
  • Author

I haven't been on here in quite some time so I wanted to update this post.

 

It's now been 5 months since this all started and I'm still with the same g/f. Yes, she is MUCH younger than I am but things have been awesome. We are pretty much living together and we have similar goals with our relationship. Things have progressed slowly over the past 5 months and there of course have been some ups and downs but mostly things have been great.

 

I cannot say enough great things about her. She's insanely beautiful, caring, intelligent, and driven. I haven't been this happy in many many years.

 

As for my ex we finally worked out all the details with the divorce and the finally agree on all our assets etc and depending on when the court date happens we will be divorced. She's been really difficult to deal with and has had many ups and downs obviously.

 

Reading some of the posts on here basically calling me out for saying my wife was ill so she couldn't have sex. It's ironic that as soon as she found out about my g/f and she wanted to get back together she hasn't been sick even one day. But, like I said before, this isn't about her being sick and my not understanding. It has been a LONG process in the making. She is miserable now and wishes she wasn't the way she was but she understands I'm not willing to go back to her or to my old life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...