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Conflicted: soon to be ex or new gf


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Old 30th August 2017, 7:36 AM   #1
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Conflicted: soon to be ex or new gf

I tried replying to my previous post but it wouldn't let me. I will post a link to it. Here is the snapshot:

Been with my soon to be ex for 16 years and married for 13
Things were great for the first 12-13 years
Last 3-4 years have sucked.
Haven't gone on a date for over 3 years
Sex became almost non existent
She got Lyme Disease last year but is mostly fine now
I moved out 3 months ago
I have a new gf that is much younger.

I left my wife and moved out. Been about 3 months now. I'm dating a much younger woman and things have been mostly great. I'm 41 and she's 24. Been seeing her for about 3 months now but have known her much longer. We have a crazy connection and things are great. We've already gone on 2 week long vacations this summer and tons of dates. We spend most nights together and I'm really happy with her


That said, my soon to be ex now wants to fix things. She's been doing everything to get me back. Taking care of herself, getting help for her depression, wearing makeup, wanting to go on dates, and vacations, and to be way more sexually active. We haven't had any intomacy in over 3 months now including kissing or anything. This has been my choice because of my gf.

I'm crazy about the gf and I will always love my wife. I'm not sure how serious my wife is about changing for real this time or if it's just a way for her to suck me back into the misery. I've been happy for the first time in a long time since being with the other woman but I am also afraid of forever losing the true love of my life. I'm also afraid of losing the new woman because she's awesome
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Old 30th August 2017, 7:47 AM   #2
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GF is to young for you.

Ex wife may just be trying to suck you back in.

If you go ex-wife route keep living apart and
just date her for a year to see if she can maintain
her changed ways.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:02 AM   #3
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It was awfully unfair to your new GF for you to pick her up in the rebound while you're still unsure about your maybe-ex-wife. Think what a dick you'd be for using her to make yourself feel better and then dumping her so you can fall back into what's easy.

Most likely you shouldn't be dating ANYONE right now. Slow down.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:10 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
It was awfully unfair to your new GF for you to pick her up in the rebound while you're still unsure about your maybe-ex-wife. Think what a dick you'd be for using her to make yourself feel better and then dumping her so you can fall back into what's easy.

Most likely you shouldn't be dating ANYONE right now. Slow down.
I was thinking the exact same thing. If he dumps her for his wife... OMG! How awful for that poor girl.
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:57 AM   #5
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In all honestly I'm falling in love with the new gf. I don't think she is a rebound at all. Yes, she is young but is mature way beyond her years. She's super intelligent and has a solid career. Working towards her second masters degree and then her PHD. I clearly chose her over my wife as that's why I'm with her. I agree I would be a total ass to go back to my wife and hurt this girl. I do care deeply for her and I do want a future with her.
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Old 30th August 2017, 1:31 PM   #6
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24 and 41... Wow... That's a big age gap. And you must be on totally different phases in life if she's still finishing her education. Where do you see your relationship going? Does she want kids some day? Do you want them in your late forties/ early fifties? Do you plan to retire some day and how will you reconcile your retirement at the peak of her career? Is she eager to be a caretaker some day?

I think you are kidding yourself that new girl is not a rebound. But i also don't think it's an either/ or choice to stay with new girl or go back to wife. How about stay single for a year to process your divorce?

Last edited by lucy_in_disguise; 30th August 2017 at 1:35 PM..
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Old 1st September 2017, 12:24 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by What-2-Do View Post
I tried replying to my previous post but it wouldn't let me. I will post a link to it. Here is the snapshot:

Been with my soon to be ex for 16 years and married for 13
Things were great for the first 12-13 years
Last 3-4 years have sucked.
Haven't gone on a date for over 3 years
Sex became almost non existent
She got Lyme Disease last year but is mostly fine now
I moved out 3 months ago
I have a new gf that is much younger.

I left my wife and moved out. Been about 3 months now. I'm dating a much younger woman and things have been mostly great. I'm 41 and she's 24. Been seeing her for about 3 months now but have known her much longer. We have a crazy connection and things are great. We've already gone on 2 week long vacations this summer and tons of dates. We spend most nights together and I'm really happy with her


That said, my soon to be ex now wants to fix things. She's been doing everything to get me back. Taking care of herself, getting help for her depression, wearing makeup, wanting to go on dates, and vacations, and to be way more sexually active. We haven't had any intomacy in over 3 months now including kissing or anything. This has been my choice because of my gf.

I'm crazy about the gf and I will always love my wife. I'm not sure how serious my wife is about changing for real this time or if it's just a way for her to suck me back into the misery. I've been happy for the first time in a long time since being with the other woman but I am also afraid of forever losing the true love of my life. I'm also afraid of losing the new woman because she's awesome
Let your wife go. Your marriage is dead and even if the love is there, you and your wife couldn't make the marriage work. Sex and intimacy is going to be an issue as your wife doesn't like sex.

If you lose the OW for whatever reason, maybe it would be best for you to be on your own and grow...To end a marriage and then start a new life with someone else so quickly isn't healthy.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 5:26 AM   #8
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The age gap is screaming out here. Look at the long term picture here .... can you see marriage/children? I'm not saying you're too old for kids, but will you be able to keep up with your GF in another 10/15/20 years.

She'll be able to attract men her own age.
Will the families be okay it?

One thing stood out from your post.

I am also afraid of forever losing the true love of my life.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 5:57 AM   #9
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Wife only wants you back because women love nothing more than some serious competition. Especially of a young, beautiful woman. The moment you drop the new gf, everything will go back to the same old with wife.

The gf is a rebound, you are clearly not over your marriage not to mention too young for you.

How about being single for a while?
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Old 3rd September 2017, 6:42 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Let your wife go. Your marriage is dead and even if the love is there, you and your wife couldn't make the marriage work. Sex and intimacy is going to be an issue as your wife doesn't like sex.
It wasn't necessarily that his wife didn't like sex, it all came to a head because she was very ill with Lyme disease.
She, like a lot of people with the disease had a protracted recovery period but the OP got upset when she wouldn't put out for him, so he went off with his OW...

Last edited by elaine567; 3rd September 2017 at 6:50 AM..
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Old 3rd September 2017, 7:40 AM   #11
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are there topics with the younger girl that are off-limits or difficult to talk about because she was only a kid at the time?
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Old 3rd September 2017, 12:45 PM   #12
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You are currently married. Either fix your marriage and work together with your wife or get divorced.

You should not be having a girlfriend while you are able to question what you should do.

Your question here alone says you need to drop the girlfriend and spend some time alone to determine where you are and what you want in life.

At this moment, because you don't know these things and are indecisive you are causing two women serious pain.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 3:54 PM   #13
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Are you really going to do this yet again with your wife?

I mean, you took forever and a day to make a decision about your marriage and in the end, you cheated and she made the decision. She has done this before - given you the impression that she wanted to make it work but she has always gone back to the behaviors that have caused you to be chronically unhappy in your marriage.

This is, what they would call, a vicious circle...

Otherwise, I would say that it is a little much to be taking two week vacations with a woman you've only been dating for three months. A 24 year old woman with whom, the only things you probably have in common are that you both like to work out and have sex.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 9:38 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by What-2-Do View Post
In all honestly I'm falling in love with the new gf. I don't think she is a rebound at all. Yes, she is young but is mature way beyond her years. She's super intelligent and has a solid career. Working towards her second masters degree and then her PHD. I clearly chose her over my wife as that's why I'm with her. I agree I would be a total ass to go back to my wife and hurt this girl. I do care deeply for her and I do want a future with her.
There is no "future' with this newer model. One man's opinion. Could be wrong. Don't think so...

good luck

take care
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Last edited by whatnot; 3rd September 2017 at 9:41 PM..
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Old 3rd September 2017, 9:43 PM   #15
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W2D, it seems like you're a needy person. You cannot tolerate being single and at your age you shouldn't be mistaking infatuation for love. Of course your relationship with your rebound is great-it just started! That's how most relationships begin.

I feel sorry for this younger woman because she's being manipulated by a much older man who only thinks of himself. I doubt that you are "in love" with your girlfriend. You enjoy the sex and the attention from a young and beautiful woman who makes you feel like you still "got it." This infatuation with a younger woman is a misguided attempt to heal your grief from the loss of your marriage. She's way too young for you no matter how mature she seems and this is coming from a woman who prefers older men. I like my men about 5-10 years my senior. An unpleasant truth is that young women love the financial stability which being with an older man can provide.

As for your wife, it's clear that she merely upset that you have moved on so she is trying to win you back. Remember when your wife started to make changes until you bought a house? If you go back to your wife, then be prepared for her to become complacent enough to treat you poorly again.

I don't think you should be dating just now. Stay single for at least a year or two. Speaking to a counselor would also be helpful. Being unable to stay single is a sign of deeper issues.
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