Polyamorous relationships

[gia37]

Hi;)

 

I wonder if anyone who has been in a poly or open relationship can give me some insight. I met a guy some time ago and we spent some evenings together, mainly walks and eating. We clicked and had a strong physical attraction, but I didn't let him kiss me then. We remained in contact and met again. He told me since the beginning that he has an open relationship with his wife (that have a 8 yr old child and live together, but have separate bedrooms). She has a side relationship, he also had one. So i met the guy again and we had sex and I obviously developed feelings for him, he says he has feelings/desire for me too and would like to meet again (we are unfortunately 500 miles apart).

 

His wife knows about me. I'm divorced and single, my kids are grown, but haven't met anyone I liked so much as this one. As we are long distance we communicate by texts, but not very often and he rarely initiates. He says he doesn't like online communication, but there is no other way.

 

I would really like to meet him again, but I feel (although he assures he is into me, although the communication sucks...) that I will be in a powerless position. He will always live with his family and I will be a side distraction. On the other hand his sexual relations w his wife are poor (were non-existent for years) and we have potential for something good. I have lived with very little sex for the last 10-15 yrs, because I am very picky (recently discovered the term demisexual). For me it's a huge thing to be into someone physically.

 

I wonder if what he says is true and he can really love me besides his wife? Their relationship is quite rocky to my knowledge but better thanks to the open status.

 

I haven't had a partner for years (just some flings) and I wonder maybe I should explore other things like poly etc , because the traditional partnership doesn't seem to do that for me. I can't find a partner in the traditional sense after my failed long term marriage (emotional and sex incompatibility).

 

I would appreciate the answers of folks who are in an open/poly relationship... does it work if there is a single woman in the mix;)?

[road]

He is a lying cheating man hoe.

Dump him and find a good man

that is available and some other

woman's property.

[gia37]

That was not very helpful but tnx. I dated a "good man" for two years before that guy, but I had no real sexual desire for him and we just fell apart. I guess I'm attracted to a bit non mainstream guys... also - where do I find a "good man"?

 

Plus his woman doesn't consider him her property and she initiated the poly thing..

[central]

Plus his woman doesn't consider him her property and she initiated the poly thing..

 

I've been in a poly relationships, FWB, and open relationship, during my marriage. The key to poly relationships (and the others, too) is honesty, and treating all partners ethically - including a spouse. So, are you certain that his wife knows and approves? The scenario he presents is closer to the typical cheater script, than the usual poly scenarios. I would want to talk to his wife, or even meet her, to be sure this is legitimate.

 

 

We've always been willing to talk to or meet each other's partners, if they want assurance that we're not cheating. Some poly people aren't willing to do this - they figure each relationship is its own thing, and up to the people in it to choose. This seems to make things ambiguous, however, and I tend to avoid people with that kind of partner, because their status can't be verified.

 

 

Assuming everything is proper, how do you see this working over time, given the distance? How much of a relationship and contact do you want, and can you conceivably get that give distance and circumstances? Even if you choose to pursue this, you are also free to pursue another relationship that's closer, if you want that. There should be no restrictions other than an expectation of honesty.

[somanymistakes]

gia37 - This is not a very good forum for poly advice. You probably want to seek a more specific polyamory forum for that. I would guess there are less than five regular users on LS who have been in happy poly relationships or at least know people who have been.

 

The vast majority of posters in this section are people who have been through the trauma of hidden infidelity in monogamous relationships, which tends to make them yell at people all the time to stop what they're doing before more lives are ruined.

 

You have to appreciate where people are coming from to understand their posts sometimes.

 

What are you looking for, in this setup? Poly can be done many ways. Some people have multiple strongly committed relationships that are fairly equal. Some people have multiple partners living with them. Some people have a couple serious relationships and also some lower-level relationships, FWBs, tertiaries, whatever. There's a million different ways this kind of thing can work and it's impossible for us to tell without knowing him what HE has in mind. And if you don't know what you want that makes it even more confusing.

 

Would you like to move in with him and his wife, if they were both okay with that?

 

Would you be happy having him be one of your many casual boyfriends that you have fun with once in a while when you're both free?

 

Would you like to have a house in the same city that he's in and have him spend half his time with his wife and half his time with you?

 

What sort of thing would you want?

[gia37]

Thanks for the answers... I realize this is not a good forum, but it seemed to be the most visited one.

 

I also think he is more close to a cheater than a real poly, bc his wife started the thing and he has been kind of pressurized into it. Also his poly status was more Iike a hint at the beginning of our relationship, he should have made it more clear plus he lied to me (distorted) about a couple of important things.

 

We met in a different country than his hometown where I consider relocating to soon and he will also spend more and more time in that country, so there will be the possibility to meet more often. I would like to have him as a casual boyfriend, we have common interests and click on many levels. Of course I consider also dating other people, in that case I will see if I wanna keep him or not.

 

I haven't been in contact with his wife, but if our relationship will continue I might contact her, she seems to be a very interesting person and apparently

likes me too.

[JHandy]

Not a great idea. He and his wife are essentially separated living in the same house. You're not entering into a loving situation. There is a very dark cloud here and it will be you who gets hurt.

 

Even if you score and win him over, he's going to want someone else down the road.

 

You will always be one of many to him.

 

They already have a broken marriage and are seeking other victims that will only go down with them. Open polygamous relationship are mythical in my book. If that intrigues you - watch some 70's orgy porn. In my opinion, that's what open polyamory stems from.

 

I think exclusive polygamous triads and quads work - if everyone is loyal and dedicated to each other and offer each other the dedication and loyalty that's common with successful traditional marriage.

 

But keep in mind, the more people the harder the work is maintaining a healthy relationship.

[gia37]

Thanks, JH. I'm sure you are right about them being doomed and seeking other victims to maintain their relationship. They have sexual problems and didn't have relations for years, with him blaming her for the damage made to his ego, but as he seems to suffer from ed, I think he might be at the origin of their problems, not her. Anyway, he is a good person and I was very attracted to him, he pursued me, presenting himself as nearly single dad and winning me over with pics of his dad-daughter weekends...

 

I have a soft spot for him still...life just sucks with all the men ever hitting on me being married and emotionally damaged.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This does not sound like polyamory. At best it sounds like a dysfunctional open marriage between two people who would prefer to be divorced but haven't found the strength yet to pull the plug. At worst his wife is not aware of their open arrangement at all and he is advertising himself as being in an open marriage to increase his chances of getting some action on the side.

 

Either way it's not clear what his goals are or how you would fit in to this arrangement.

 

If you want to bang him and you're sure his wife is cool with it by all means go ahead, but don't get invested emotionally. This is a train wreck waiting to happen and I don't think you can expect it to turn into any kind of healthy relationship.

 

Not to mention, he isn't even initiating contact with you at this point. Besides the mess that is his personal life I'm not sure he's even that into you.

 

It's hard to find a good match but I don't think this relationship is going to meet any of your needs besides possibly the sexual ones in the in the very short term.

 

As a side note, what is up with all the poly threads these days? Seems like there has been a trend toward this in the last couple years. Different strokes for different folks, but 'm not sure it is the right thing for the majority of people who are considering it.

[JHandy]

Thanks, JH. I'm sure you are right about them being doomed and seeking other victims to maintain their relationship. They have sexual problems and didn't have relations for years, with him blaming her for the damage made to his ego, but as he seems to suffer from ed, I think he might be at the origin of their problems, not her. Anyway, he is a good person and I was very attracted to him, he pursued me, presenting himself as nearly single dad and winning me over with pics of his dad-daughter weekends...

 

I have a soft spot for him still...life just sucks with all the men ever hitting on me being married and emotionally damaged.

 

I feel for you. Give it more time. The right guy (or gal) is out there for you. Keep your heart open and keep a strong set of standards where you don't lose out. This arrangement doesn't look good no matter how one can look at it.

 

One thing to think about - good cheaters are great con artists. Be careful with this guy. He has you exactly where you don't want to be.

 

If he's the nice guy you think he is, he should clean things up and get a divorce before you both continue.

[dichotomy]

Dont poly relationships involve deep affection (if not love) among the parties? I mean there can be sex, but not always - but there is a notable emotional affection and intimacy connection among the people.

 

You seem to describe his marriage (primary) as rocky and disconnected - more an open marriage or perhaps - roommates and they have other partners.

 

Definitely talk to his wife...right now. I am sure she is on some social media at least if you dont want to call her.

 

My wife - while single - was what i would classify as poly. Multiple relationships most sexual, some post sexual, but all with close emotional bonds.

[DKT3]

I wouldn't believe anything he says about the status of his marriage unless you can confirm it with his wife.

[gia37]

Thanks for the wise words. I really see now what poly means and they are definitely not poly. Roommates sharing child custody and fighting over money and chores.

He gave me the impression of being into me, wrote nice letters and even made plans about future meaning spending more time together. Some days ago he was talking about our next sex meeting and that he missed me while texting in his separate bedroom.

I don't think he is planning a divorce, on the contrary, he pretends that his wife s lover has improved a lot their relationship too (can be). But like was said, I don't see any more how and where I would fit in here... time will show I guess. Our communication has died anyway after I confronted him about the whole mess.

 

I'm not sure I should contact his wife. She is on FB, yes. Somehow I have the feeling he is telling me the truth and she was conducive to the whole situation, she seems very independent and determined, not a victim type at all.

Edited August 30, 2017 by gia37

[gia37]

Just wanted to add that the problem is entirely mine - I develop feelings too quickly, plus they become strong very quickly. I'm jealous that a married person prioritises his family.i should have never gone along with his invitations, but it sounded exciting and boom! It has always been like this in my life - i fall very quickly for wrong persons, good and stable potential partners don't attract me. As if there was a mismatch between my sexual needs (excitement) and emotional needs (stability). Arggghhhhh

[JHandy]

Just wanted to add that the problem is entirely mine - I develop feelings too quickly, plus they become strong very quickly. I'm jealous that a married person prioritises his family.i should have never gone along with his invitations, but it sounded exciting and boom! It has always been like this in my life - i fall very quickly for wrong persons, good and stable potential partners don't attract me. As if there was a mismatch between my sexual needs (excitement) and emotional needs (stability). Arggghhhhh

 

There is excitement then there is life. Having the excitement once in a while is fine but the infatuation that stems from that can be devastating. Infatuation feels like love and is confused as being love. It's just an opinion, but I believe open marriages and open polygamous arrangements are people not being honest with themselves, while they try to be honest with each other. If you are truly happy with your partner, you won't need another - ever. This couple shouldn't be married. They may act like friends but they were never the one for each other and they are still looking while being married. As good as they are in conning themselves, they also con others into their toxic arrangement. One day it will collapse. Poly arrangements work with some but it's rare. The more open these things are the more they are likely to fall apart.

 

You need to know in specific terms what you want in life for yourself and your future partner. What are your expectations? Do you want your partner exclusively? You seem open to non-conventional arrangements so your options are more broad. Once you know what you want go out and find it or let it find you. Meanwhile have fun. Get that excitement and separate out the infatuation.

 

I got caught up in a long marriage that stemmed from infatuation. That marriage crashed and burned badly.

[central]

If you are truly happy with your partner, you won't need another - ever.

 

Need? Perhaps not. Want? Sure! Part of it - for open relationships, not necessarily poly relationships - is a desire for novelty, which other people can provide. For poly-oriented people (the real ones, not those just seeking novelty and sexual satisfaction), the important thing is the emotional connection (which does not preclude sex, or using sex to amplify the emotional/romantic connection).

 

 

I agree that the couple in question should not be married. They are not in a good place to form poly relationships - at best, they have an open relationship for the sexual things they lack in their own. Poly pursuits are more likely to cause the demise of their marriage - which, actually, might be a good thing for them.

[somanymistakes]

If you are truly happy with your partner, you won't need another - ever.

 

It's all in how you look at it really.

 

No one person is ever going to match up to 100% of your wants and dreams and fantasies, it's simply not possible. Now, of course, that doesn't mean that everyone in monogamous relationships is miserable or doomed to cheat. Most people are quite happy with an 85% match or whatever.

 

Imagine, like, Girl A is perfect for you except that she hates sports and will never enjoy sports with you. And Girl B is perfect for you except that she hates the beach and will never enjoy beach vacations with you. You could pick one and be happy. Or you could pick both, provided all three of you are into that.

 

Or I could just be silly and say that "if you are actually happy with a friend you will never want any other friend" would be weird. having two friends doesn't mean you don't really like the first one.

[JHandy]

It's all in how you look at it really.

 

No one person is ever going to match up to 100% of your wants and dreams and fantasies, it's simply not possible. Now, of course, that doesn't mean that everyone in monogamous relationships is miserable or doomed to cheat. Most people are quite happy with an 85% match or whatever.

 

Imagine, like, Girl A is perfect for you except that she hates sports and will never enjoy sports with you. And Girl B is perfect for you except that she hates the beach and will never enjoy beach vacations with you. You could pick one and be happy. Or you could pick both, provided all three of you are into that.

 

Or I could just be silly and say that "if you are actually happy with a friend you will never want any other friend" would be weird. having two friends doesn't mean you don't really like the first one.

 

I get it. But even in your scenario, you can have Girl A and Girl B if both A and B want each other too and you, A and B can be exclusive to each other. Then all parties are in an equitable situation. Marriage even if it includes 3 parties comes with responsibilities to each other. You have to form a reliable and secure bond between each other. Inviting, say, Girl C, D or even E or Guy B, C or D into the mix increases the odds the balance will tip towards a more exclusive partner arrangement - then bad things start happening to the group. The more people, the harder it is to keep it all together.

 

Sometimes the nice thing about being married and exclusive is sacrifice and acceptance. It's in these things one can truly prove dedication. This will a true with an exclusive triad or a quad as well. I really understand the need for another person especially if your partner or you are bisexual. But it should not give license to have extra marital relationships.

 

I strongly believe all sexual experiences between people in a marriage should be shared. All parties should be working equally to make it work together.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have to keep in mind that you have no idea if anything this guy has told you is true.

 

You don't know if there's really been a sex drought for years between him and his wife.

 

You don't know if they really sleep in separate rooms.

 

You don't know if she really is independent and strong.

 

You don't know if she's even aware that her husband is sleeping with others.

 

You don't know if she's aware they have a so-called open marriage.

 

You said his wife knows about you - what proof do you have of that, really?

 

Maybe the above is all true, but you have no way of verifying. Heck, she could be thinking everything in their marriage is fine and just happens to be unaware that her husband is a philanderer. What you see on Facebook is largely irrelevant, regarding their character or the state of their marriage behind closed doors.

 

I would not get involved here, as I have my doubts that this is an open marriage as opposed to a husband with a wandering eye.

 

Where did you meet him?

[gia37]

Very good points in all posts. I will certainly try to be more rational in my choices in the future. I have always been a very monogamous person who has strangely always been torpedoed as (potential) OW in bizarre family situations. It's a pattern and I'm starting to realize that oh maybe I should consider other more fluid arrangements! It's has been a liberating realization about myself.

 

We met iRL under respectable circumstances. Internet confirms what he says about his wife. He is not a con artist just a bit artistic.

[ExpatInItaly]

Very good points in all posts. I will certainly try to be more rational in my choices in the future. I have always been a very monogamous person who has strangely always been torpedoed as (potential) OW in bizarre family situations. It's a pattern and I'm starting to realize that oh maybe I should consider other more fluid arrangements! It's has been a liberating realization about myself.

 

We met iRL under respectable circumstances. Internet confirms what he says about his wife. He is not a con artist just a bit artistic.

 

What did the internet confirm, exactly?

[gia37]

I can't get into detail on a public forum. I just say that I have proof.

[Steve51]

I was in a poly triad with my wife and her best girlfriend and we all loved one another. Our lasted 30 years and would still be going on had not our girlfriend's husband lost all of their money in the last recession. He was poly too but not a part of our group.

 

It worked for us more than ever expected. Both my wife and our girlfriend are bi so there was none of the problems our poly married friends ran into where sooner of later, one of the spouses got jealous or fearful when their spouse was spending a lot of time with his/her lover and talking about the lover all the time. Sometimes the lovers wanted the poly spouse to divorce and marry them as happened to our best friends.

 

Most do not make it long. Just try to find a long lasting poly family that is not a revolving door of people. They are as rare as hen's teeth. We each had our own bedroom and sex started with a threesome followed by one on one sex with me and each of the girls. I was the sexual focus of our triad but socially the two girls were. Our girlfriend dated other guys even after she married until she got pregnant and had to call me and 3 other guys to ask if we ejaculated into her. After that she was sexually exclusive with us and her husband. She successfully managed to live two separate lives without a problem.

 

I stopped having sex with women outside of our triad when I got an STD from a married women whom I assumed was safe because she was married. She did not know that her husband was cheating on her. AIDS hit the news and most of our poly friends were divorcing or fighting so we kept sex to ourselves.

 

Not one girl I dated ever checked to see if I was really in an open relationship. Most said that they heard that so many times from married guys that they just ignore it an enjoy being better at sex than the guy's wife. Women are very competitive at times. Have you spoken to the guy's wife or are you just taking his word on it? Married men will seldom leave their wives if for no reason than the cost emotionally and financially. Throw in some children and a guy will lead you on as long as he is getting sex from you..

 

You also have to remember that he is poly so he will have other girlfriends other than you even if he leaves his wife. Can you handle that? Can you deal with what we call New Relationship Excitement, when your partner wants to spend most of his time with the new girl, thinks everything she says is interesting and overlooks the faults that you see in her. If you are not bi and neither is his next girlfriend, jealousy is sure to raise its ugly head sooner or later.

 

I do not recommend the poly life. At one time it meant an extended family like we had. Now guys call it poly to have their cake and eat it too. Give what we called being a player, a fancy name and people will accept it more readily. Poly relationships rarely last long so if you are in it for some laughs and sex, then go ahead but if you are thinking about a long time monogamous marriage and kids, go find a single guy. We were the exception. My wife and I both knew and liked our girlfriend since we were teens. She was a friend of ours for many years and a frequent visitor in our home. We regarded each other as family long before being sexual. Our girlfriend knew her place in our marriage and we never had to tell her. She would check with my wife every time I asked her to do something new with me despite my wife telling her anything goes over and over again. She accepted my marriage as the primary relationship and never interfered in it as we did not interfere in her marriage later on. We were a perfect fit as life long friends so adding sex to the mix allowed us to express our love for each other physically. I do not think it could happen to us again. Are you prepared to be one of his lovers? Are you really sure he is in an open marriage as almost every cheating guy uses that line?

 

Read this stuff;

 

Polyamory: When three isn't a crowd - CNN

 

 

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

[aileD]

1. Contact his wife and verify their relationship status and her blessing on your relations with him immediately.

 

2. Polyamorous relationships/ open marriages usually have one primary relationship. You ain't it. So if you have dreams of him marrying you and having babies and riding off Into the sunset, then this isnt the guy for you. Once his #1 is done with you, he will be too.

 

3. Don't get involved in polyamory if you expect monogamy

[gia37]

Steve - wow, what an interesting story! I get the picture of a poly triad now and how important it is that the women are bi to avoid jealousy. Good that it worked for you all so long! Will see the links to satisfy my curiosity.

 

Aile - my babies are already made with my ex h;). Her wife appears in poly context on the net, so I presume she introduced this arrangement and is aware (like he pretends). Anyway their relship is not my circus and monkeys!

 

This thread helped immensely. I also realized that they are not (at least him) real poly (he always stressed it's more his wife s thing and he hasn't had poly relations, but has cheated on her previously to feel desired and wanted...). Just like JH said it's a shipwreck waiting to happen and I don't want to go down with him. I was in a vulnerable state when we met... but I don't regret anything. Hopefully we ll remain in sporadic contact as friends and if something develops then it must develop under different circumstances where I will feel more respected and cared for.