Small(?) problems in relationship

[Ragna_F4]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my second post in here. I am trying to find some opinions or advices for my situation.

 

I've been in an awesome relationship for 2 years now with an incredible girl. We get along very well. I am 27 and she is 24. We practically live together, have great sex (3-4 times per week with responsability of course). We almost never fight, and that is a good indicator. We have talked about marriage and our future together aswell. However, there is one topic that have been bugging the relationship: my old anime/videogame figure collection, a hobby I had in the past (early 20s and ended before our relationship).

 

That collection is in my room in my parents house. We rent an apartment together since she is studying and I am working close by. I stay in both places like half a week (a bit more with my girlfriend though). The thing is, she doesn't like my collection in my parents' place. I have some videogames characters and some female characters in swimsuits from different series, nothing 18+. My girlfriend is a bit on the anxious side and she kinda gets jealous easily. That's not a problem most of the time though because I don't like to go to parties or flirt with other girls. However, in her words, having this collection is no different than going to a nightclub.

 

I have tried to come to terms with her on this matter, but everytime she sees it a discussion happens. No solution, other than getting rid of it, is enough to be at peace. I have told her that that was an old hobby of mine, that I am not spending money on it anymore and that I won't bring it to our future house, just to let it die there. But nothing is working, she says that it corrupts my mind and this "small" issue is starting to get in my nerves. She bashes at me even at random facebook posts from random people in my news feed or a particular group where a girl appear with few clothes or with clevage or something like that, I can't even control that. She has told me that she wants the relationship to be as perfect as possible...something that really set my alarms off.

 

I want to hear your opinions or experiences. I've no problems in getting rid of my collection in some years or progressively, but she wants me to do it now and has to be done because I want to, not because she told me. I am worried because if I do it like that, I could be opening a door and it could happen again with another type of hobby of mine, a hobby that could be really important to me, like gaming or sports. I want to reach a middleground, but she fells that I am cheating and not trustworthy, so she won't budge. What do you think about it?

 

Thanks in advance

[shellybing]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my second post in here. I am trying to find some opinions or advices for my situation.

 

I've been in an awesome relationship for 2 years now with an incredible girl. We get along very well. I am 27 and she is 24. We practically live together, have great sex (3-4 times per week with responsability of course). We almost never fight, and that is a good indicator. We have talked about marriage and our future together aswell. However, there is one topic that have been bugging the relationship: my old anime/videogame figure collection, a hobby I had in the past (early 20s and ended before our relationship).

 

That collection is in my room in my parents house. We rent an apartment together since she is studying and I am working close by. I stay in both places like half a week (a bit more with my girlfriend though). The thing is, she doesn't like my collection in my parents' place. I have some videogames characters and some female characters in swimsuits from different series, nothing 18+. My girlfriend is a bit on the anxious side and she kinda gets jealous easily. That's not a problem most of the time though because I don't like to go to parties or flirt with other girls. However, in her words, having this collection is no different than going to a nightclub.

]I have tried to come to terms with her on this matter, but everytime she sees it a discussion happens. No solution, other than getting rid of it, is enough to be at peace. I have told her that that was an old hobby of mine, that I am not spending money on it anymore and that I won't bring it to our future house, just to let it die there. But nothing is working, she says that it corrupts my mind and this "small" issue is starting to get in my nerves. She bashes at me even at random facebook posts from random people in my news feed or a particular group where a girl appear with few clothes or with clevage or something like that, I can't even control that. She has told me that she wants the relationship to be as perfect as possible...something that really set my alarms off.

 

I want to hear your opinions or experiences. I've no problems in getting rid of my collection in some years or progressively, but she wants me to do it now and has to be done because I want to, not because she told me. I am worried because if I do it like that, I could be opening a door and it could happen again with another type of hobby of mine, a hobby that could be really important to me, like gaming or sports. I want to reach a middleground, but she fells that I am cheating and not trustworthy, so she won't budge. What do you think about it?

 

Thanks in advance

 

So, there are a couple of things here.

 

Firstly, I understand we all have things that set us off in the jealousy department. Regardless of what society says about it, we are all human and experience jealousy. I think that the fact she asserts that you watching video game characters at home is the same as going to a night club is pretty pretentious and uptight. I remember having a similar conversation with a great male friend of mine, about my ex. I had found nude photos on an amateur porn site, along with messages that were quite un-nerving. I felt I was justified in the anger and jealousy because of that. To me, it is much much more harsh than a video game character. I would think there is nothing to worry about if my boyfriend were at home on a video game. So, I see this as a red flag.

 

I can also relate to the messages on social media. Posting and tagging, and making comments are harmless. In certain events, where jealousy is present it would be quite normal for a woman to be upset about that. I also remember once being very upset over postings. It was not necessarily the post itself that was offensive or disrespectful. It was the thought of it being a threat, given I had some jealousy issues going on to begin with.

 

For me, it was justified. The man was actually cheating. I had found nude photos and messages, as well as bobby pins, flowers, and other items that were huge indicators of cheating. I continued trying to make a relationship work, without forgiveness. That is what was causing the problems with the posts and comments. What it came down to, was the fact that I did not feel secure in my relationship. I needed that.

 

I think you see that though. Given, this is an innocent habit and there has been no cheating or lieing, I would see that as an irrational thing to be jealous over.

 

You said "I can't control that." --nor should you want to or have to.

 

As far as the quote about having the relationship 'as perfect as possible'

perfect does not exist, and this is going to be the beginning of a long list of things that you will need to "give up."

 

I can understand sacrificing something for the good of a relationship as well. I have sacrificed many things for the greater good of the relationship. This spans over different types of relationships. Time, money, items, for my friends, family, kids, and boyfriends.

 

So, for example putting an expensive hobby aside for a bit, to finance something as a couple would be a good start.

 

You are not spending money on your hobby, you are not even doing your hobby. It is a past hobby. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

Men look at other women all the time. You cannot control what women wear, or how they act. What you can control is your reaction to these women.

 

Are you respectful to her in public? Do you check out other women while she is standing next to you? Do you openly flirt or ask other women how they are doing, or make small conversations without acknowledging her with you? All of those things can contribute to the jealousy she is having.

 

But, as said - if you are just innocent in your own actions, than I would say let her go. It doesnt sound like a very good or grown up relationship if you are fighting over video games.

[Reddice]

Wow dude. I don't know where to start even, so I will try to keep it as clear and short as I can.

 

Basically, to me it doesn't like such an awesome relationship. There appear to be some trust issues and what's even worse, she's making a big fuss over nothing. I would feel disrespected if she held me in such low esteem! Do you feel respected by her at all? Does she let you go out with friends alone? It sounds like she's trying to put you on a leash.

 

Honestly, the perfect relationship would be when you can go to a strip club with your friends and your girlfriend trusts you enough to let you go without any fuss. Not saying you should go to a strip club, but the trust should be there. The thought of infidelity would not even cross her mind in that scenario.

 

Giving in to her demands would be like opening Pandora's box... That's not a happy story fyi. Be prepared for a messy ending three years down the road where you will get the "you're no longer the man I fell in love with/you've changed" type of breakup.

Edited August 27, 2017 by Reddice

[BaileyB]

I would say that if you decide to stay in this relationship, be prepared for the long haul... The irrational jealousy will cause a lot of resentment or time. She is going to keep you on a right leash!

 

Your girlfriend doesn't have the right to "bash" you over Facebook. She will have to find a way to deal with her anxiety if she wants to keep a healthy relationship. And, for her to be upset about your anime dolls... Well that is just about as irrational and immature as it gets.

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't "kinda" get jealous easily - she is seriously irrationally jealous and losing her dang mind.

 

Jealous over anime characters? Really? She has issues. Sorry, but this isn't your normal, run-of-the-mill jealousy. Her problems are much more serious than that.

 

She also downright disrespects you. Bashing you online or to your friends are the actions of someone very immature.

 

I really don't know why you tolerate this behaviour, OP. Stop enabling her. Stop trying to placate her. She is being unreasonable and disrespectful to you. This will get much, much worse if you don't go and find your backbone immediately.

[Mike61]

She seems to be going out of her way to manufacture issues. I'd be really careful going further with this relationship. I could see if you had an unhealthy addiction to a hobby like one that was causing you to miss mortgage payments or something. Your hobby (past hobby) is a pretty typical type of collection, anime, pokemon, baseball cards, etc. I collected comic books for years, the only time my wife gripes about it is due to the space it takes up in the garage. (I've got to reorganize that now that I think about it)

 

So one controls your past and one (FB) controls your present. Both are innocuous pursuits it seems to me.

[devilish innocent]

I would put the figurines in a box. Store it in the back of your closet where she won't have to see them. Be honest about it and tell her, "This is what I can offer. Take it or leave it." I wouldn't make any promises to get rid of them in the future. That just makes the issue drag on longer.

[BaileyB]

I would put the figurines in a box. Store it in the back of your closet where she won't have to see them. Be honest about it and tell her, "This is what I can offer. Take it or leave it." I wouldn't make any promises to get rid of them in the future. That just makes the issue drag on longer.

 

And, all is well until the next time that she becomes irrationally jealous about something else - like your coworker's, or watching sex scenes in movies, or going out with your friends...

 

No doubt, this is a good compromise. But OP, you really need to think carefully about this relationship if these kind of issues continue to come up. You will be forever jumping through hoops trying to make this woman happy.

 

Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship.

[AMarriedMan]

I would put the figurines in a box. Store it in the back of your closet where she won't have to see them. Be honest about it and tell her, "This is what I can offer. Take it or leave it." I wouldn't make any promises to get rid of them in the future. That just makes the issue drag on longer.

 

To the OP:

 

I wouldn't bring the figurines over to your place from your parents' home if they were of any significant value. Your GF might throw them away without your permission. On the other hand, if she did that you'd know for certain that she was not a keeper. If your collection is worth a four-figure sum or a high three-figure sum, I'd put them in a box and keep them in your parents' house and tell your GF exactly what the poster above suggested you tell her.

 

If your GF is demonstrating irrational jealousy at this stage and that jealousy really is irrational and is not warranted by anything you have done, you should be really thankful for her showing this side of herself now and not a marriage, a mortgage and a couple of kids later. You should definitely not cave in when such unreasonable demands are made. If you do, things are guaranteed to get worse. When she has your kids as hostages and there are significant economic penalties for parting with her, things are likely to get really interesting.

 

This could be a sign of deeper, more serious problems on her part that could manifest in really harmful ways in the future or it could be her unconsciously testing you. It is difficult to tell without having met the two of you and knowing her life history if sufficient detail. You don't need to dump her immediately but you should tread carefully. Tell her that you are going to put your collection into a box at your parents' house and that will have to do. Make it a policy to rebuff all irrationality on her part decisively. Watch her reactions carefully. If the fact that she cannot control you with any unreasonable bull**** makes her happy and calm, you'll know you can have a relationship with her with the caveat that you will have to maintain the upper hand with her indefinitely. (In times of stress she might be prompted to test you again and failure to respond adequately might send the relationship into a tailspin.) If that makes her uncomfortable or if the issues keep resurfacing, you'll have to let her go to avoid a miserable future.

Edited September 1, 2017 by AMarriedMan

[d0nnivain]

My husband & his brother have an anime collection with figurines & games. I think it's kind of childish & I don't let the collection in my living room or dining room but the toys are in our house. I wouldn't dream of telling my husband he can't have them.

 

The fact that your GF thinks that you having these objects is the same thing as you going to a nightclub & hitting on other women makes me think she has serious issues. Having these things does not corrupt your mind. Playing with them is not cheating.

 

If you insist on emasculating yourself by giving in to her ridiculous & extreme demands do so in baby steps. Box up the stuff & put it out of sight. See how you feel about that. Do not discard your hobby. If you want your stuff back & out in the open, do that. If she can't accept a compromise (like you keeping the stuff in certain rooms but not others once you formally cohabitate) consider whether you really want to be with such a selfish person.

[dichotomy]

If it were just the figurines i would say store them away somewhere or sell them - if you really love her and things are otherwise good.

 

However her extreme insecurity - seeing a random girl in a bikini on your Facebook news feed or something - hints at real issues that will continue and perhaps explode later. You could be suffocated or controlled like this forever.

[elaine567]

She is 24, has a bf who she is having sex with and she is therefore in maximum jealousy mode and is mate guarding.

She does not want her position usurped in any way.

She wants him all to herself, so sexy figurines have to go, as well as sexy sirens on FB.

Anything that means his sexual focus is not solely on her, is a huge threat to her peace of mind.

 

OP,

She may feel she is losing you, so is trying hard to get rid of anything that may take you away from her.

She is trying to stake her claim, fighting for her territory.

No matter how trivial to you this may be, if you decide to choose the figurines over her, you may lose her, maybe not right now, but eventually.

I guess they have become a symbol of the relationship to her and their importance to you has been vastly overvalued in her mind. The fact that you will not get rid of them underlines the notion that they are more important to you than she is...

[BettyDraper]

This level of jealousy is ridiculous and inappropriate. If your girlfriend is upset over figurines, then I don't know why you feel that this is a good relationship. Remember that giving into her insecurities could lead to your girlfriend feeling emboldened to restrict more aspects of your life. Exerting extreme control over a romantic partner is emotionally abusive.

[bebe23]

I think it is very silly and petty to be jealous of figurines of video game characters, for heaven's sake! It's a collection, what is wrong with that? My husband has vintage Star Wars stuff. Would I be jealous of Princess Leia in his collection? Of course not!

 

I have a very secret hobby that my husband doesn't pay attention to, and that's fanfiction writing and reading. It's connected to several celebrity crushes I have. There is NO way he will find out about my celebrity crushes, and I don't do anything outwardly or offline to let anyone in my "real life" know about them, either. I'm not at the age where I'd use them as my phone backgrounds or screen savers, or have posters of them anywhere. The closest I have is a screen print T-shirt depicting my favorite movie, and the actors I like aren't even on the shirt.

 

I belong to online groups where we discuss movie actors and characters, and that and the fanfiction is password protected.

 

You can't compare either collecting video game characters, or writing fanfic, with actual flirting or spending time with real-life people outside their relationship.

[shellybing]

She is 24, has a bf who she is having sex with and she is therefore in maximum jealousy mode and is mate guarding.

She does not want her position usurped in any way.

She wants him all to herself, so sexy figurines have to go, as well as sexy sirens on FB.

Anything that means his sexual focus is not solely on her, is a huge threat to her peace of mind.

OP,

She may feel she is losing you, so is trying hard to get rid of anything that may take you away from her.

She is trying to stake her claim, fighting for her territory.

No matter how trivial to you this may be, if you decide to choose the figurines over her, you may lose her, maybe not right now, but eventually.

I guess they have become a symbol of the relationship to her and their importance to you has been vastly overvalued in her mind. The fact that you will not get rid of them underlines the notion that they are more important to you than she is...

 

 

I can understand the "sirens" on FB - they are actually real people, who live, speak, and can cause a threat to your relationship.

 

Old friends, aquaintances, and people whom you live and work with are no threat, random people you met who are looking for fun with a man are definatley a threat. Buuuuuut - figurines and characters from a book, a game, or any media are just for fun. There is not threat there. That sounds ridiculous.

 

Just my 2.