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Hey all,

 

I have been married for just over 2 years. My relationship with my wife is good at times and very strained at others, no different than most couples based on conversations I have with friends.

 

Where the differences is clear is in our love life - or lack thereof. We went on our honeymoon, and only had sex once. Since then I can count the number of times on one hand...in two and a half years. It has been over a year since the last time.... It doesn't make any sense. I go to the gym, I am a fit and not a bad looking guy. But the attraction seems to be zip.

 

I have asked - she says I'm handsome, and she agrees that it isn't normal. I have suggested counselling, I have asked if there is anything I can do differently. She says no, it's on her and she is sorry. We don't even sleep in the same room because we don't sleep well together. There is no desire or effort to fix the situation...and she wants kids. Not sure how its going to happen....

 

Based on what I have heard from various couples and people, normally they couldn't get enough of each other in the beginning and that what I am describing isn't normal - even later on in marriage.

 

A) How to I get her to open up about her fears or whatever it is

B) Is she likely cheating and doing it so discreetly that even I can't figure it out? She's rarely late from work, and doesn't do any overtime, and runs on a pretty normal schedule and does most stuff with me.

 

Sooner or later something has to give as we are getting further apart emotionally and as partners.

 

Worried and Confused.

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Could she be a [lesbian] but has never confronted herself about having those sort of feelings? I was married almost 20 years and we rarely had sex. Turned out he was gay.

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RecentChange

Cheating wouldn't be my first thought.

 

But you are right, this is FAR from normal, and honestly, because it's been like this your whole marriage, not like things cooled down after 18 years..... I see very little hope of changing things.

 

After reading this board for years, I can't recall a single case where a couple started out with a bad sex life and then developed a good one.

 

PLEASE don't have kids! Unless you want to sign up to a virtually sexless life for the rest of your days on this Earth.

 

Maybe others will have some suggestions as to how to magically give her a sex drive.....

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She sold you a bill of goods when she married you. I think she is just not attracted to you physically. It has nothing to do objectively with how you look. It's all subjective with her. That, or she has no sex drive at all...which is not normal.

 

 

No nothing here is normal. You and her should be screwing like bunnies having only been married in this short a time.

 

 

Sit her down and tell her that you did not sign up for a monastic, celibate marriage. You took it as an implied agreement when you married her that the two of you would have frequent, fun and satisfying sex in your marriage. Tell her that sex is important to you and that you want her to join you in attending couples therapy to get to the root cause of the issue. If she refuses, you have your answer.

 

 

If she says she has no desire at all, then that is not normal. It could be hormonal, and she needs to get it checked. If she refuses, you have your answer.

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Is this a poll? If so I will say you are naive. My first fiancé had a problem with sex like you described. She was a virgin until we got engaged and then she never really enjoyed sex or had an orgasm. I ended up joining the Army without telling her about it. In retrospect I guess I was looking for a way out. I volunteered to spend a year fighting in Vietnam. Luckily she cheated on me so we broke up. She contacted me 47 years later to tell me her hard luck story. I will skip the drug addiction and sex in a commune where she got pregnant buy one of the 20 guys she had sex with, and go past her marriage to a man that ended when she left him to marry a girl. She is a lesbian but her strict religious background would not allow her to accept that.

 

My wife started to ask her girlfriends to have a threesome with us. I never even mentioned a threesome to her so it was a pleasant surprise. Turns out she was repressing her bisexuality and living it through watching me and being near naked woman. Long story, her girlfriend moved in with us and was in our bed for the next 30 years. Intercourse stopped 20 years ago. I was OK with that because I was always involved in their sex lives and we did other things. I also prefer oral anyway but it goes to show that there is more than meets the eye.

 

 

Sex is very important to a marriage and most people do not know why. Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin, Google it, which emotionally bonds the couple together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. That powerful. So when you have little sex or no sex, the emotional bonding that keeps a couple together is not there. The internet is filled with husbands bemoaning their sex lives. They are unhappy and feel stuck. Get out before it becomes more difficult to do so. Women who are not interested in sex are never going to change no matter what counselling or talks you have. A libido cannot be thought into existence.

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Outside what is mentioned above I'd wonder about sexual abuse. If she has no desire to have sex does she have any desire to make you happy? I'd have to ask and it would have been a long time ago.

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Hey all,

 

I have been married for just over 2 years. My relationship with my wife is good at times and very strained at others, no different than most couples based on conversations I have with friends.

 

Where the differences is clear is in our love life - or lack thereof. We went on our honeymoon, and only had sex once. Since then I can count the number of times on one hand...in two and a half years. It has been over a year since the last time.... It doesn't make any sense. I go to the gym, I am a fit and not a bad looking guy. But the attraction seems to be zip.

 

I have asked - she says I'm handsome, and she agrees that it isn't normal. I have suggested counselling, I have asked if there is anything I can do differently. She says no, it's on her and she is sorry. We don't even sleep in the same room because we don't sleep well together. There is no desire or effort to fix the situation...and she wants kids. Not sure how its going to happen....

 

Based on what I have heard from various couples and people, normally they couldn't get enough of each other in the beginning and that what I am describing isn't normal - even later on in marriage.

 

A) How to I get her to open up about her fears or whatever it is

B) Is she likely cheating and doing it so discreetly that even I can't figure it out? She's rarely late from work, and doesn't do any overtime, and runs on a pretty normal schedule and does most stuff with me.

 

Sooner or later something has to give as we are getting further apart emotionally and as partners.

 

Worried and Confused.

 

Put effort into turning her on. Maybe she will reciprocate.

 

I don't mean just walk up to her and grab her boob. Wine and dine her, make her a glass of wine. Buy her a rose. Lingerie. do something to spice it up.

 

You don't even have to have money. Turn on a fireplace scene on the TV, dim the lights and give her a massage.

 

Make wednesday happy hump day on the calendar.

 

Sometimes, people lose their libido and need a little help getting it back.

 

You could also look at her health. Maybe she is having a hormonal change. I don't mean menopause, just sometimes hormones change.

 

Some people are more apt to be aroused at a different time of day.

 

Strike up a conversation about sex, but not the lack of it - but just about sex.

 

"I like it when -------" "I heard about this thing and I want to try it with you"

 

"I have been thinking about this all day"

 

so instead of noticing the lack of sex, maybe you could say the truth which is "I want you right now."

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You're making the mistake of thinking that her sexual attraction is only related to your physical appearance. While appearance can be relevant, emotional attraction also needs to be there. How well do the two of you get on? Do you make each other laugh? Do you enjoy each other's company? Does she feel that her thoughts and opinions are respected by you? Can you disagree without it becoming a fight?

 

What about her physical health? Emotional health? Does she get enough rest? Does she have stress issues in her life? Medication? ALL of this will effect her libido.

 

My suggestion is the book "Where did my libido go?" by Dr Rosie King. It's aimed at helping a women wade through the myriad of things which can make her libido plummet.

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Put effort into turning her on. Maybe she will reciprocate.

 

I don't mean just walk up to her and grab her boob. Wine and dine her, make her a glass of wine. Buy her a rose. Lingerie. do something to spice it up.

 

You don't even have to have money. Turn on a fireplace scene on the TV, dim the lights and give her a massage.

 

Make wednesday happy hump day on the calendar.

 

Sometimes, people lose their libido and need a little help getting it back.

 

You could also look at her health. Maybe she is having a hormonal change. I don't mean menopause, just sometimes hormones change.

 

Some people are more apt to be aroused at a different time of day.

 

Strike up a conversation about sex, but not the lack of it - but just about sex.

 

"I like it when -------" "I heard about this thing and I want to try it with you"

 

"I have been thinking about this all day"

 

so instead of noticing the lack of sex, maybe you could say the truth which is "I want you right now."

 

 

Thanks for the advice! I have tried many of the points you have suggested. I have tried, candles, moonlight dinner outside, romantic walk along the river, definitely given her back massages.

 

I have tried to talk about sex - not having sex and she quickly changes the topic as if its uncomfortable.

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You're making the mistake of thinking that her sexual attraction is only related to your physical appearance. While appearance can be relevant, emotional attraction also needs to be there. How well do the two of you get on? Do you make each other laugh? Do you enjoy each other's company? Does she feel that her thoughts and opinions are respected by you? Can you disagree without it becoming a fight?

 

What about her physical health? Emotional health? Does she get enough rest? Does she have stress issues in her life? Medication? ALL of this will effect her libido.

 

My suggestion is the book "Where did my libido go?" by Dr Rosie King. It's aimed at helping a women wade through the myriad of things which can make her libido plummet.

 

This is interesting, and I can definitely say yes. She is constantly stressed, and is very driven at her job. In fact it is the only thing she thinks about.

 

Physical health. Basically she is more or less a hypochondriac. She thinks she is always sick, and uses it as an excuse for not wanting to have sex which may or may not be true, but I am always there to take care of her if she says she isn't well.

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She needs to go see a gynecologist who is a hormone specialist and have a hormone panel done. If they are low, she needs to get on hormone therapy. Bioidenticals are a good type to get on but would need to be referred to that type clinic for that.

 

Otherwise, she is either just very low sex drive for some reason, maybe past trauma, or she could be a lesbian and not be willing to face it.

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Michelle ma Belle
You're making the mistake of thinking that her sexual attraction is only related to your physical appearance. While appearance can be relevant, emotional attraction also needs to be there. How well do the two of you get on? Do you make each other laugh? Do you enjoy each other's company? Does she feel that her thoughts and opinions are respected by you? Can you disagree without it becoming a fight?

 

What about her physical health? Emotional health? Does she get enough rest? Does she have stress issues in her life? Medication? ALL of this will effect her libido.

 

My suggestion is the book "Where did my libido go?" by Dr Rosie King. It's aimed at helping a women wade through the myriad of things which can make her libido plummet.

 

Amen.

 

Men are visual creatures. We get it. So it's not surprising that many men stand around scratching their heads questioning why they're not getting laid enough by their wives as they describe and defend their affection for working out and their handsome physiques :rolleyes:

 

It's kind of revealing, isn't it? What's important to men versus women...

 

I think Basil67 is bang on here. Women are complex in their attraction and what gets their libido raging. If you're doing all that you can to support her then it would appear her issues require professional assistance be it medical or psychological or both.

 

I will echo what others have said, two years in and you're already struggling AND sleeping in separate rooms? Not good. And like RecentChange said, we have yet to witness a single case on here where a couple started out with a bad sex life only for it to get better with time. Sadly it doesn't seem like something you can bank on.

 

I think the only thing left here is COMMUNICATION. For you to communicate in no uncertain terms, how you're feeling and if necessary, to put an ultimatum in place for your relationship; if she doesn't accept marriage counselling and/or medical help then you're done. It's over. I think she would also benefit from some personal counselling but take whatever you can get.

 

I will caution you, as I've mentioned in other threads that dealt with similar challenges, if you're going this route of giving chances then you MUST have an end date in mind. If not, you run the risk of coming back to this forum 2, 5 even 10 years from now grappling with the same damn issues and feeling even more defeated.

 

Good luck.

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Was your sex life ever good before marriage?

 

Because if it wasn't, I'm not sure why you'd expect or to change.

 

On the rare occasion you have sex, does she enjoy it?

Does she have an O?

Do you see the visual/physical signs that she is turned on?

 

Did she have relationships before you?

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This is interesting, and I can definitely say yes. She is constantly stressed, and is very driven at her job. In fact it is the only thing she thinks about.

 

Physical health. Basically she is more or less a hypochondriac. She thinks she is always sick, and uses it as an excuse for not wanting to have sex which may or may not be true, but I am always there to take care of her if she says she isn't well.

 

Sounds like the two of you need marriage counselling to try and find a way to connect. (And for her to realise with help of the counsellor that her approaches to life are unhealthy and that she'd do well to learn new ways to think)

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Physical attraction isn't appearance based and it isn't emotionally based. It's chemical. You can be the sweetest guy ever who looks like Brad Pitt, but if she's not chemically attracted to you she's not going to want sex with you.

 

You've been married 2 years, been sexless half that time, and are still putzing around hoping she'll magically desire you. Stop that! At best, she'll have sex with you madly every time she wants to conceive and then you'll be getting nothing but duty sex once or twice a year, if you're lucky, until you finally divorce her after the youngest kid turns 18 and you are middle aged. Hopefully, she'll have kept her job and you won't owe her alimony, but you will have to divide assets.

 

If that's not the future you want, I suggest having one talk with her, explain that if sex and other forms of intimacy don't become a priority you're out, and then actually leave in, say, 6 months if there isn't some serious effort of her part. If she does put in effort and you do start having sex, use condoms! Do NOT allow her the chance to get pregnant before you are certain the changes are real and long lasting.

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If nothing changes, your marriage isn't sustainable. Certainly do not entertain the idea of having children unless this is resolved. Very likely, this is all about her, and not about you, unless you've changed significantly and negatively since you got married. Still there may be changes you can make that will help - but don't just go try anything, as that will probably focus your effort on the wrong things. She has the lack of libido, so she has to work to fix it. You decide if it's enough, and work with her to fix it.

 

I suggest you give yourself a mental deadline to find a solution, and if there isn't satisfactory progress, divorce her. Do your research, try various approaches, discuss it with her, and get her to agree to work on figuring out why this is, and fix it. That means hormone checks, marriage counselling, sex therapists, reading books, frank and honest discussions, and whatever else you can try based on advice here, in books, and from therapists.

 

If she won't even try, then file for divorce in three months. If she tries, but either quits or nothing improves, file for divorce after six months. If things improve, see where you are at the year point - and decide to continue or split up. It may require constant attention to maintain any improvements, so factor that into your decision if you stay together.

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Hi skylark, quite a difficult situation to be in. Have you thought of psycho therapy including hypnotic therapy by a qualified psychiatrist? Sometimes hypnotherapy may reveal some hidden cause for the problem your wife is facing. Her being a hypochondriac points to a deeper problem than just a simple lack of libido. It also indicates a psychological rather than a physical problem. I do not know how open she would be to psychotherapy but you may have to work on her to convince her. Have you ever spoken to her about no SRC being a deal breaker for you? Would the thought of a divorce be enough motivation for her to undergo therapy? Give it a thought. Warm wishes.

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I really don't think this issue has anything to do with what the OP is doing or not doing to get his wife in the mood. I don't think it has much to do with him at all. Normal healthy women with healthy sex drives do not require a big romantic production in order to desire sex. Women get horny and desire sex just like guys do. While its true that a women will not want sex with her husband if she has built up feelings of resentment towards him that usually takes at least several years or more to happen. The OP has only been married for and its been a year without sex already and only handful of times in the first year.

 

OP this doesn't look good. Either your wife has a hormonal or medical issue, is just a naturally low sex drive person (perhaps asexual) or she is simply not sexually attracted to you. If it's the latter then don't take it personally. Someone else mentioned chemistry. We have all met someone who we feel like we should be attracted to but we're just not. The person might be cute, smart, caring, funny, etc..but we just aren't attracted in a romantic way. There is no chemistry and unfortunately I don't think that can be changed.

 

You have to get to the bottom of this, sooner rather than later. Tell your wife that you love her but the state of your marriage is unacceptable to you. That you will not spend your life in a sexless marriage and that she has to get honest with you and herself about what is going on with her. I suspect she already has a pretty good idea of why she doesn't want sex with you but she is refusing to open up to you.

 

If this doesn't get better you will likely end up divorced at some point and if that's going to be the outcome it's better to do it before there are kids to consider.

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The thing is, if she's never been into sex in a big way with you, that would change.

 

It might be that she saw a man who was safe and secure and would make a good husband and father. Nothing to do with her sexual attraction at all.

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Is this a poll? If so I will say you are naive. My first fiancé had a problem with sex like you described. She was a virgin until we got engaged and then she never really enjoyed sex or had an orgasm. I ended up joining the Army without telling her about it. In retrospect I guess I was looking for a way out. I volunteered to spend a year fighting in Vietnam. Luckily she cheated on me so we broke up. She contacted me 47 years later to tell me her hard luck story. I will skip the drug addiction and sex in a commune where she got pregnant buy one of the 20 guys she had sex with, and go past her marriage to a man that ended when she left him to marry a girl. She is a lesbian but her strict religious background would not allow her to accept that.

 

My wife started to ask her girlfriends to have a threesome with us. I never even mentioned a threesome to her so it was a pleasant surprise. Turns out she was repressing her bisexuality and living it through watching me and being near naked woman. Long story, her girlfriend moved in with us and was in our bed for the next 30 years. Intercourse stopped 20 years ago. I was OK with that because I was always involved in their sex lives and we did other things. I also prefer oral anyway but it goes to show that there is more than meets the eye.

 

 

Sex is very important to a marriage and most people do not know why. Sex produces the hormone Oxytocin, Google it, which emotionally bonds the couple together. It is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. That powerful. So when you have little sex or no sex, the emotional bonding that keeps a couple together is not there. The internet is filled with husbands bemoaning their sex lives. They are unhappy and feel stuck. Get out before it becomes more difficult to do so. Women who are not interested in sex are never going to change no matter what counselling or talks you have. A libido cannot be thought into existence.

 

 

This. People underestimate the importance of sex in a marriage and then wonder why they are unhappy. It's imperative for a married couple to approach their sex life in a similar manner. The spouse with the lower sex drive should be taking measures to please their partner and get to the bottom of why they do not desire physical intimacy.

 

Luckily, my husband and I have similar sex drives coupled with a firm belief in monogamy. We know that the secret to passionate monogamy is being sexually available to each other and willingness to try new things. Based on what I have read and what women have told me, I believe that our decision not to have children plays a huge part in our great sex life. Unlike many women, I don't believe in withholding sex as a punishment because that kind of manipulative behavior solves nothing. I still have sex with my husband on the rare occasions that I'm not in the mood; I am his wife and part of that role is meeting my husband's sexual needs. He is every bit my lascivious facility as I am his. :love:

 

OP, your marriage will not be successful if your wife is not interested in improving her sex drive. Your needs are just as pertinent as hers. Whenever a wife doesn't want to be sexual, most people blame the husband for not being caring and romantic enough. Sometimes that isn't the case and it's completely unfair to constantly blame husbands for their wives' lack of sexual enthusiasm. There are plenty of husbands who bend over backwards to please their wives outside of the bedroom while their wives still deny them sex.

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What stood out to me is you said you had sex once on your honeymoon, and rarely after... Makes me wonder if she's been abused in her life, and that occurrence could have dredged up memories she wasn't ready to deal with.

One theory... and the best way to find out is be direct. Hinting around in such critical matters of a relationships success is not advisable, as it leaves way too much for misinterpretation.

Just be tactful, and most of all LISTEN to what she says (if she actually talks)...EMPATHIZE. And don't let her off the hook with being dismissive... it's obvious there's an issue, and the only way through it is to face it head on. (in my experiences... and I'm also divorced from first wife due to lack of communication)

On the other hand, I agree with several other posts, it's likely not YOU. I have similar issues where my wife has NO DESIRE! We have a son, that being a significant difference, and since his birth, her drive plummeted. So the whole "hormones change" and such is completely true. So back to you, I know chemical imbalance in women, the wrong birth control, other meds, can all have varying adverse affects, and she needs to discuss with her doctor, and you need to be present. My wife's gynecologist told me that after their first kid, the drive was gone, after the 2nd she was good to go again. Women are truly a never-ending rollercoaster.

Remember above all, don't accuse her, or you may as well not bother speaking further.

GOOD LUCK!

 

Oh, and if all you get is "I don't know...", see if she is willing to be checked by Doctor for depression/anxiety issues.

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HarmonyDriven

OP,

 

Lots of excellent observations and suggestions by other posters.

 

After reading your initial post, some of my thoughts:

 

 

What was your sex life prior to getting married?

She could have something medically wrong?

 

 

If at one time you two had a great sex life then I would say there is hope. However, if your sex life has been lackluster from day one......yikes....

 

A sexless marriage is no fun and not healthy if one partner wants sex and the the other doesn't. I hope you find the answers you are looking for....soon. :)

 

Maybe you can masturbate to one her pictures.....oh...wait, that's another thread.....my bad.

 

But in all seriousness, good luck as I can imagine how frustrating this is to deal with.

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Maybe she is having a dry spell because she needs a break.

 

Life can be hectic and tiresome, maybe her emotional well being is at stake.

 

Maybe she feels overwhelmed for some reason, and rather than pressuring (arguments about theblack of sex or pressure of the romance i earlier mentioned) just let her sleep. let her do her hobby, or work, or whatever itbis she needs to do to focus on her self.

 

Sometimes we need to takr the time to visit ourselves to asses who we are and what we are wanting.

 

Let her come to you when she is ready.

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This is who she is and you can't fix that. It won't change but get even worse if that's possible.

 

If you're smart you'll file for D and find a better partner.

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