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Wife won't speak to my family


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My wife doesn't get along with my family of origin. Specifically my parents and older sister. They can be very intense, opinionated, and controlling. In the past we've had major blow ups with them, bad arguments, and general difficulty in establishing boundaries with them that they respect. She hasn't spoken to them in 8 months.

 

My wife is currently pregnant. She has decided that she doesn't want to communicate with my family for the entire duration of the pregnancy - 6 more months. No calls, texts or emails. She feels as though any communication stresses her out and gives her anxiety. On one hand I empathize, but on the other, I find it extreme and not the way to heal relationships. Recently my family has been kind, and offering excitement and support. My wife doesn't care for any of this and has made up her mind about what kind of people she thinks they are.

 

She now wants me to call my family and tell them to stop calling, texting, and emailing. This makes me uncomfortable, because I think it is extreme and doesn't work in the direction of mending the relationship. I also think it's unnecessarily confrontational given we haven't had any major issues with them in over a year. She won't budge and expects me to do this.

 

She gets angry whenever she gets a text or email from them, even though they have been to just say hi. Not sure what to do here!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Have your parents offered a sincere apology to her for their previous behaviour? If not, this would be a good place to start.

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If your family isn't able to respect boundaries and behave in a respectful way toward your wife, then I agree with your wife. Yelling, controlling behavior, blow ups, and arguments have no place in a healthy extended family dynamic.

 

And, it's your job to talk to your family and discuss the boundaries.

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She probably sees their kindness as being manipulative at this point. Her main priority is a stress free pregnancy and you should respect that. Your unborn child can sense their mother's stress.

 

I wouldn't push the issue. Stand by her on this.

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You have to support your wife & child. That said, she can't fly off the handle because your mom said hi to her.

 

Would your wife consider meeting with a therapist so you & she can get some better ideas about how to deal with your family when they become too much. Shutting them out won't work; they will want to see the new baby. It would be cruel to deprive even opinionated grandma of the baby but grandma needs to be told that your wife rules the roost & she needs to respect your wife in your home & with whatever decisions you two make about your child.

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somanymistakes

If they're constantly pushing attention on her when she wishes to be left alone, that is stressful. Can you have them direct their hellos and well-wishing through you instead? If they agree to obey this restriction during her pregnancy that will serve as an example of them actually being able to observe and respect boundaries, and might then help her extend trust to them again in the future.

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My wife doesn't get along with my family of origin. Specifically my parents and older sister. They can be very intense, opinionated, and controlling. In the past we've had major blow ups with them, bad arguments, and general difficulty in establishing boundaries with them that they respect. She hasn't spoken to them in 8 months.

 

My wife is currently pregnant. She has decided that she doesn't want to communicate with my family for the entire duration of the pregnancy - 6 more months. No calls, texts or emails. She feels as though any communication stresses her out and gives her anxiety. On one hand I empathize, but on the other, I find it extreme and not the way to heal relationships. Recently my family has been kind, and offering excitement and support. My wife doesn't care for any of this and has made up her mind about what kind of people she thinks they are.

 

She now wants me to call my family and tell them to stop calling, texting, and emailing. This makes me uncomfortable, because I think it is extreme and doesn't work in the direction of mending the relationship. I also think it's unnecessarily confrontational given we haven't had any major issues with them in over a year. She won't budge and expects me to do this.

 

She gets angry whenever she gets a text or email from them, even though they have been to just say hi. Not sure what to do here!

 

There is no reason your wife would want anything to do with your family. There is a history of abuse here. If she wants nothing to do with them, that is her choice, and you need to respect that. You need to tell your family to stop contacting her.

 

They brought this on themselves. No one could blame her for wanting no contact. If they still try and contact her after you tell them not to, they are still trying to be controlling.

Edited by Whodatdog
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You're the one who needs to talk to your family and lay the law down. No one should have to deal with rude in-laws. If they can't be civil to her, then you need to either convince them to or stand by her decision.

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I agree with the people here that say this is your job. You can't treat people badly then send the "hi" texts as though nothing happened.

 

You need to tell them that their treatment of her is unacceptable and until they sincerely make it right directly to her AND to her satisfaction, there is no point in them contacting either one of you.

Edited by Mike61
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I bet they are contact her now because she's pregnant. I imagine that's how she sees it.

 

They're getting friendly and it doesn't seem genuine. I don't blame her and you do need to tell them to back off and leave her alone.

 

She doesn't need the stress right now.

 

Also gotta ask... Have they ever sincerely apologised?

 

Do they even recognise that they were at fault?

 

You can't expect your wife to sweep all the past events under a rug and forget about it.

 

From experience, controlling in laws get worse when a baby is on the way and your wife doesn't want or need that.

 

Step up and tell you family life that contact from them to her needs to stop, due to how things have been in the past.

 

If they want to be close to their grandchild and niece/nephew, they better shape up, because mothers have an awful lot of control where children, especially new born are concerned.

 

Many in laws act nice, then revert to the abuse and critical behaviour once the baby is here.

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Indeed, demanding and controlling I laws only get worse when there is a baby.

 

Now is the time to set some healthy boundaries with your family.

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There is no reason your wife would want anything to do with your family. There is a history of abuse here. If she wants nothing to do with them, that is her choice, and you need to respect that. You need to tell your family to stop contacting her.

 

They brought this on themselves. No one could blame her for wanting no contact. If they still try and contact her after you tell them not to, they are still trying to be controlling.

 

This.

 

I wouldn't want to be in contact with people who were opinionated and controlling either.

I avoid types like that whether they are family or not.

 

Your wife comes first. You need to do your part in respecting her boundaries.

She is pregnant and she doesn't need the emotional stress of dealing with difficult in-laws.

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beautifulinside2
She probably sees their kindness as being manipulative at this point. Her main priority is a stress free pregnancy and you should respect that. Your unborn child can sense their mother's stress.

 

I wouldn't push the issue. Stand by her on this.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

This

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Hi Shawn, well the jury is out. You have got your answer in no uncertain terms. Maybe you didn't expect the reaction that you got and maybe you did not like the answers. However, if the consensus points in one direction I guess one cannot dispute the collective wisdom. Tread carefully with whatever you choose to do. Warm wishes.

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She knows what's best for her body and pregnancy. Respect that.

 

Tell your family they can contact you privately instead

 

 

Sorry. Your wife wins this one. Your family has a history of unhealthiness.

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I agree this is tough, but if it was me- anyone has to respect my family at least with a greeting. I know family members see anyone with different eyes, no one is perfect. Depriving the baby from your family is very cruel and to me would probably be a lethal blow to the relationship. A mother has to be flexible. If there's no flexibility with criticism then how will adjusting to a demanding infant be?

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Seems the thread starter was a drive by, if they return and want the thread opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who gave advice to help them.

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