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My boyfriend is a slob


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lucy_in_disguise

My boyfriend and I have been dating about 3 years, living together for 1.5. Until the start of this summer, it was just the two of us in our small apartment. I worked from home, he had an office job. Knowing we were both messy, we both contributed to having a house cleaner come every 2 weeks. We'd take turns cooking/ doing dishes/ daily maintenance stuff, with no issues whatsoever.

 

In June I started a new project that requires me to travel out of town M-F. Also, his 22-year old brother moved in. I didn't think having his brother move in would put so much strain on our relationship. The arrangement is temporary- he is shipping out to basic training in 2 months- and he and I get along and he pays rent. But, it's been extremely stressful for me.

 

Firstly, having no privacy sucks. Between my work schedule/ travel and the brother always around when I'm home, bf and I have had literally no time alone together in months.

 

Second,, the place has turned into a pigsty of a bachelor pad. I am talking a bathtub that doesn't drain with mold growing up the tiles (that I lovingly installed myself when I lived here alone), dishes lying in the sink for weeks with fruit flies buzzing around them, beer cans strewn everywhere.. We stopped having the house cleaner come by because we thought between the 3 of us, including his brother, who works only part time, we'd be able to keep an 800 square foot apartment reasonably clean. Well, they don't clean at all, and I don't feel like it should be my responsibility to clean up their mess when I come home after being out of town all week. I've brought this up many many times. They will try for one week to please me but then it's back to the same.

 

I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I want to be optimistic because it's temporary, but it's really driving a wedge between us. I hate that I hate coming home and starting out each weekend brimming with resentment. We have so little time together and I don't want to spend it fighting but at the same time, I'm having a hard time managing my emotions. Every time I come home the thought of moving out crosses my mind.

 

Any advice?

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The solution is get the housekeeper back.

 

 

Also check out sites like Hotwire where you can book a random hotel in any given area pretty cheap especially last minute. Leave the brother home & you & your honey go have a romantic night somewhere. I have gotten amazing deals, $500 per night places for $125.

 

 

At the very least give the brother $40 & tell him to get out of the apartment for 4-5 hours.

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It's interesting you say that moving out crosses your mind each time you come home. This is exactly what I was going to suggest as your next move.

 

You've spoken about the issue endlessly and they won't hold up their end of the bargain. It would seem that it's time to pull out the big guns. Problem is, it could be a prelude to breakup if your boyfriend chooses being a slob over being with you. I mean, is it really so hard to run around cleaning up on a Friday before you get home?

 

This really is 'make or break' time for you.

 

Edited to add: When my partner and I were in a share house, we got our privacy by being in our room. We put a TV in there got our escape. Do you have your own room?

Edited by basil67
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He probably won't do the housework while the brother is there because the brother will call him whipped, but you should tell him next time you're in private that this better make a complete 360 once the brother is gone because you're not going to ask twice.

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While I agree that it isn't your responsibility to clean, I'm not sure how you can stand living in the conditions that you describe. If I was in your shoes, I would probably clean just so that I wouldn't have to live like a pig or have the house cleaner return. After that, I would tell your boyfriend he and his brother will need to leave since it was your place first. They can't live with you if they cannot respect the shared space.

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lucy_in_disguise

I decided to just call the house cleaner back. I had been opposed to taking initiative on this as a matter of principle- I did not think it should be my responsibility to make the arrangements when I am gone all week and bf and brother insist they can handle he cleaning themselves. However after some thought I realized I'm basically shooting myself in the foot here by taking a stand. It's not much sweat off my back to make the arrangements and cost is not really an issue (bf will also help pay for it). Sometimes I need to remind myself to pick my battles.

 

I don't really have concerns for how things will play out after the brother moves out in a few weeks. Bf and I lived together very happily before and I am sure it will return to normal soon enough.

 

Thanks everyone for the feedback- the different perspectives actually helped me a lot to see things more clearly. At the end of the day this isn't an issue worth fighting to me.

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It's curious that your partner would turn into a slob all of a sudden. Having a cleaner once a week wouldn't have completely negated the problem of dishes sitting in the sink all week or beer cans piling up. Are you sure he was pulling his weight all along, and you're not just noticing it more because there's extra stuff with the brother around?

 

At any rate, I do hope the brother moves out soon.

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lucy_in_disguise
It's curious that your partner would turn into a slob all of a sudden. Having a cleaner once a week wouldn't have completely negated the problem of dishes sitting in the sink all week or beer cans piling up. Are you sure he was pulling his weight all along, and you're not just noticing it more because there's extra stuff with the brother around?

 

At any rate, I do hope the brother moves out soon.

 

He was definitely a slob all along. To be honest am not the neatest person either and before his brother moved in, I thought we had a similar tolerance for messes. I also felt the distribution of labor was pretty even. I don't expect it to be 50/50 every week, and it wasn't, but it was equitable in relation to the hours we worked. For example he would take out all the trash, take care of our plants, and do most of the cooking in the evenings. I would do the dishes and pick up during breaks while working from home. Besides that with a house cleaner there really wasn't much we had to do. I honestly don't have very high standards when it comes to cleanliness and our apartment is tiny.

 

I think it's become an issue now for several reasons. First, there is way more *stuff* everywhere as a result of his brother having moved in. Second, the house cleaner has not been around in a few months, so besides the maintenance stuff like the dishes, everything is just dirty. Neither of us did much heavy cleaning before and apparently bathrooms don't clean themselves. Third, I am gone all week so i don't reap the benefits of the effort he does put in. All I see when I come back is the mess that's not mine. (somehow it pisses me off more knowing it's not mine).

 

Anyway I'm just going to try to take it easy through September and then reset the expectations.

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