Jump to content

Married to a newly out bisexual wife


Recommended Posts

New here and have some tough questions.

I'll try and simplify as much as possible.

 

I am a straight male married to a bisexual women. She just come out to me about a week or two ago. She wants to have a relationship with a girl. Not together but a separate relationship. She doesn't want to share and it's not just sex. She wants a girlfriend. She feels she missed out by not finding out about her bisexuality until after marriage. She says she does not want to date men that she feels most men are horrible and she's already got the best one at home. She also says I may date other women as well, separately.

 

We also have two children and after our second child she was deeply depressed and we didn't have sex for 2 years! She was also colder to me. She is still not well but has come out of it a bit. She's more honest with me about her feelings and we are having lots of sex now. She's more affectionate now, but I know the depression is still there and now there is the bisexuality on top.

 

My fear is that she's only with me because I'm supportive and a good dad. I'm good to her and she wants to stay with me because of the kids and fear of being alone and not because she loves me in a physical romantic fiery way.

 

My fear is that when she finds a women to have a long term relationship she'll leave me.

 

She says she loves me and she says we probably won't end up doing any of these changes, but right now she feels like someday she'll want to.

 

I know it makes her feel confused and sad and she cries about it in private.

 

She seems happier and she has agreed that she'll get help about the depression.

 

Any thoughts, similar situations you have been in?

 

Can a polygamous relationship like this work or is it destined to fail?

Link to post
Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980

Do you get to have a girlfriend as well?

 

Avoiding the bisexuality part as I have no experience, my H and I tried an open marriage to explore the same issues (well, not the same exact ones obviously) and it did not work. We each had a few dates and it imploded. Not to mention the fact that you are now involving other people who have their own agenda, which may be to have a real relationship apart with one of the people in the marriage. So if you were to do this, you need to be able to explore as well and the other people need to be in the know.

 

Fact is, we ALL have that feeling of not having dated enough, explored enough, etc. You don't get to have a spouse and date. That is adulthood and just life. If you want to save you marriage and give it a shot, let the rope out a bit so she can explore - but you get the same rights too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I would get a girlfriend as well. That excites me, but I'm afraid she'll just leave me for another women. I feel I want sex (mostly) and she wants love with another. I don't want her to resent me. I get why she would want to explor that side. I just don't want to lose her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980
I would get a girlfriend as well. That excites me, but I'm afraid she'll just leave me for another women. I feel I want sex (mostly) and she wants love with another. I don't want her to resent me. I get why she would want to explor that side. I just don't want to lose her.

 

From my own experience, both of us got attached to the other people and it was pretty painful for everyone (except my xmm, he was fine). My H recovered faster than I did but he said the experience left him happy to never try that again. He falls in love. So you may be in for double pain - first with your wife and second with another woman who wants to be with you but you are married. The flip side is that sometimes you have to let someone go to see if its for real, which is why we did what we did. Neither of us believed in cages and while the experience was not something I'd recommend, I can honestly say that I am happy in my marriage and have zero feelings of missing out on anything.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I used to regret not having more partners before my wife. I'm glad she's into sex more than ever, but I just want to focus on us and building a home and continue to focus on our kids and not complicate things. Thanks for sharing your experience.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ji Cajm, how long have you two been married? Also, why do you think your wife does not 'love' you while providing all the sex that you need? Do you 'love' her?

 

As to this new need of hers it may be the result of her post part um depression and may or may not vanish after she has attained equilibrium. Is she under treatment by a psychiatrist? This 'need' or 'tendency' may have been dormant in her but may have surfaced precisely because of her depression. I guess you have a lot to handle. More power to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally I would tell her that if she wants to have a relationship with another person (whether male or female) then she needs to end her current one first.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would get a girlfriend as well. That excites me, but I'm afraid she'll just leave me for another women. I feel I want sex (mostly) and she wants love with another. I don't want her to resent me. I get why she would want to explor that side. I just don't want to lose her.

 

 

You would "get one" ? Where ? You got one lined up? You look like Ryan Reynolds ?

 

Sorry being a bit sarcastic here - but one of the things I have read and heard from people in "open marriages" is that the married woman ends up getting her fill of available lovers, and the married husband not so much. Swinging (as a couple) works better for equal play than open marriages. Again I understand finding a female for couple play is easier especially if the wife is doing the recruiting for both of you.

 

Also the issue is it sounds like she is not interested in you sexually - if she was wearing you out several times a week with wild sex, and wanted a gal occasionally for fun (especially if she brought the girl home to both of you!) I would say maybe this might work. But your marriage does not sound healthy.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I suggest you read up on responsible non-monogamy. Two books come to mind: "More Than Two" and "The Ethical Slvt" - there is also a website with a good discussion forum about polyamory, unsurprisingly name polyamory.

 

Many people have done this before, many have been successful - and many have not. Those who make it work have usually done their research, and discussed things extensively before taking any action. There are many ways you could approach this, IF you decide to try something other than traditional monogamy. It's important to figure out how YOU should approach it, and things will change with actual experience.

 

It sounds like she wants a relationship with a woman, not just a sexual fling or casual FWB scenario. Will she also want men? If so, keep in mind that it would be FAR easier for her to find men, than it would be for you to find women to date, and it may even be easier for her to find women than for you.

 

The stronger your relationship - including sex - and the better your communication, the likelier this might work out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're basically saying that you're considering making a huge compromise to hang onto the possibility of not losing her completely. You'd become a provider/enabler and secondary interest. She might continue indulging your sexual needs (or not), but you'd no longer be her primary person.

 

Yea, you might find something on the side, but as others have said, it's a lot easier for a woman and you're more likely to be spending nights alone, missing your loving devoted wife, while she's out there somewhere having wild experimental sex with women/couples/men while you're babysitting the kids... or while she's focusing on a new lover emotionally and sexually.

 

I'm sorry to have to say, but I think the motivations are unbalanced and that you're likely to lose regardless. If it were me, I'd hope that I had the courage to call it like it is... unless you have a strong desire of your own to be poly, and an exciting new woman to be so with, I'd not agree. Tell her she has to make a choice –– to honor and respect your marriage, or end it.

 

I know some couples make these non-monogamous relationships work, but unless half of the motivation is coming from your side it's more like volunteering for cuckoldry, and probably will never feel congruent. My sense is that what you really want is a devoted wife. I'm sorry.

Edited by salparadise
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yea, you might find something on the side, but as others have said, it's a lot easier for a woman and you're more likely to be spending night alone, missing your wife, while she's out there somewhere having wild experimental sex with women/couples/men while you're babysitting the kids... or while she's focusing on new love interests emotionally and sexually.

 

Wait a minute not every bisexual person is into "wild experimental sex" with all and sundry surely?

 

She has said she just wants a gf, so all this dramatic exaggeration is not really helping.

 

OP

This will be a "forced" open relationship and as such it will be very difficult to make it work and still have a functioning marriage.

This is not about two people deciding together to open up the marriage and explore their sexuality.

This is your wife (who may indeed have a pre-existing relationship with a woman) wanting permission to keep you on the back burner whilst she has happy times with her new "friend".

I cannot guarantee that she will not leave as that may be her intention all along...

 

Yes she may have given you a "carrot" to keep you sweet, but if you are basically the monogamous type, then you will be very unhappy with the arrangement as it isn't really who you are, and I guess you will find comfort in the arms of another and leave eventually anyway.

 

Once married people start messing about with the core bond it rarely ends well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm conventional & conservative.

 

Marital vows generally say "forsaking ALL others" not just other people of the opposite gender.

 

She has 1 foot out of your marriage. As much as you don't want to lose her, I think you already have. You may as well make it official & free yourself up to find a heterosexual woman who only wants you.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just sounds like you've married a low-interest/low-quality woman. Bit of a disaster.

 

Probably let her do her thing, and you do your thing too. Just make some stips like not bringing any of her stuff around the children - looking out for their interests. Keep it out of your face, and you'll keep it out of her face too.

 

Try and make it work for the kids. If it can't work, then dump her. It's not what you signed up for, at the end of the day.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

So after being married with now a couple of kids your wife finally decided to come out of the closet. Did you ask her why this wasn't disclosed before you married so you could decide if you wanted a bisexual wife or not? This is not fair to you. If you let her see other women definitely get yourself a gf or better yet a divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise

It doesn't sound like having a side piece is a high priority for you, and certainly not something you had considered risking your marriage for before she brought it up.

 

There is no shame in being uncomfortable with an open arrangement. Yes it works out for some people- but I would wager that many of them had a strong desire to have an open relationship by themselves rather than falling into the arrangement due to pressure from their spouse. Many others have had it implode.

 

If you're not comfortable with the high risks involved here- remind her that she chose to marry you forsaking all others, and make it clear monogamy is not negotiable for you. There are other ways she can explore her bisexuality without getting into a second relationship. Most people don't get to have their cake and eat it too- if having another relationship is extremely important to her she can divorce you first. You should not feel pressured to legitimize her desire to cheat.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
So after being married with now a couple of kids your wife finally decided to come out of the closet. Did you ask her why this wasn't disclosed before you married so you could decide if you wanted a bisexual wife or not? This is not fair to you. If you let her see other women definitely get yourself a gf or better yet a divorce.

 

Many people do NOT know until later in life. They are (or certainly were, and still often are) conditioned to think heterosexually, and she may have dismissed any same sex interest as being just a weird thought.

 

 

One of my best life-long friends - a woman I dated in high school - married, had kids, and 25 years later figured out that she's gay, got divorced, and is now clearly a lesbian. She really had no idea until later in life - we've talked about it, and I've known her long enough to know she's telling the truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What your wife is saying is that you aren't enough for her. That's the bare bones of it. She also needs a woman in her life.

 

Of course you could loose her. Right now, you're good enough to provide and appear like a perfect family to those outside.

 

You've provided her with children and to an extent, your job is done.

 

Do not agree to this open marriage out of fear of loosing her. If you don't want it, then you're better off ending things and starting over. Instead of her leaving you when the kids are older and so are you, yet she's got a firm relationship on the side.

 

Think of your children in all this as well.

 

You can't know if she'll leave you. I suspect, kids aside, she would leave you.

 

Is she into sex with you? Does she initiate? Does she enjoy it?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your wife being bisexual shouldn't change how your marriage is. Being bisexual means she can have an equally fulfilling life with you as she could with a woman.

 

The question is, how does the scale tip? Is she as much into you as she is with women? Or does she simply prefer women? This is important for you to know. She could love you and if so, you both could live a long life together even being bisexual. But if she prefers women and she has a fling with a woman she ends up falling in love with - you lost. She can fall in love with both sexes.

 

You end up risking your marriage going along with this. It is very likely you will lose it quickly.

 

I have a general belief that if you are married, every sexual experience should be shared. I'm not a believer in "open marriages". The few that work have elements that are difficult to maintain. Most fail. You see, she has her things and if you're lucky you'll have yours. She's practically ensured to have hers and she can have many - men and women. You'll have a few. At the very least you'll be jealous and you'll likely "screw it up". You'll be the villain and she will get the sympathy.

 

My wife is also bisexual and for all intensive purposes will not act on her desire to be with a woman. But she and I agree that any possibility will be together - how that may be. We have agreed to never rule it out and that being the case, our fantasy life is vibrant.

 

Another poster said there are a lot of things you both can do to entertain her desire without adding another person. My wife and I do quite a bit. Watch the L-Word series with her. Have her tell you her lesbian fantasies. I send my wife dirty pictures I get off line - well maybe not too dirty. She loves pictures of sexy women. What ever we do we do together without her having to lose out on this incredible side of her.

 

The big thing is talk. Talk talk. See what you both like. What your fears are and be open with each other. You're much more likely to survive together by not adding another outside your marriage.

 

The last thing is you may want to keep the possibility of having an exclusive triad polyamorous relationship with another woman later on. You should only consider this if you are certain both of you are totally honest and open with each other and you totally trust each other.

 

The fact is, your marriage with a bisexual wife can be like any other marriage. She picked you. Now try to stick together with an abundance of spice.

 

Just talk - talk - talk.

Link to post
Share on other sites

i would tell her no, because it is all one sided. IF she found a bisexual woman who also wanted sex with you....then at least it would be balanced. And why would she be against that, since she can still enjoy lesb?an sex with her.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Whats the point of her being married at all. Regardless of the gender that she wants to bang, she is wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

It sounds like she has a serious case of self centered hedonism.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have come to the right place. Not only did my wife of 45 years come out as bi but all three of my relationships were with women who came out as bi well into the relationship. My wife thinks that is because after sex with me, they are done with men. :)

 

My first bi girlfriend was also my fiancé. She is now married to a woman. My wife was a virgin at 20 with very little sexual experience. I can guess why now. She started to fantasize about women only and all of a sudden was inviting her female friends to join us in bed using me as a lure. One night she asked her recently divorced and horny best friend if she wanted to have sex with me. She did and later on I invited my wife to join in. That was when I found out that our girlfriend is bi and so is my wife. Back in my time, being non hetero had serious consequences.

 

What happens next to you depends. My wife only had sex with women if I took part, if only to watch. She said that it felt like cheating otherwise. She did move in a woman that we both were friends with since teens and already considered as family. We formed a poly triad that lasted 30 years, even after our girlfriend got married. We each had our own bedroom but we did everything as a threesome. I was the focus of sex so the girls never had sex with each other unless I was with them, not in a few thousand threesomes that we had over all those years.

 

There were times when my wife was more into girls than men but my wife tried and did not like sex with other men. Only me. Being bi is not black and white. My wife wanted a man for a husband, to date and have romance with. She wanted a woman for sex, but not without me, and companionship. How they felt could change from day to day. What you need to do is talk to your wife and figure out a way like my wife did to not risk the marriage. Read this by Robyn Ochs (Google her):

 

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

 

My wife was not into me 7 years ago and is now having her best orgasms with me. I just rode it out and we both put our marriage above all else.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I had to cut my last reply short due to dinner time. My girlfriends being bi was never the reason for past breakups. Cheating with a guy was. Bi or straight, she has the same restrictions as you do as far as extracurricular sex. You will be attracted to other women as she will be attracted to both other men and woman. That does not mean she can act on her attractions but you cannot.

 

What you can do is like we did. I have had close to 5,000 threesomes in 47 years. Most guys are wishing for just one. So there is a tremendous upside to your situation. The key is satisfying your wife's curiosity about sex with a girl in a marriage safe way. FFM threesomes are the safest way. To be honest, you will not know how she will react or feel until she does it. As my wife and group of bi girlfriends told me, they are attracted to the person, not their gender. My wife loves having sex with me but with a woman it is more feminine for lack of a better word Men are hard and aggressive while sex with a woman is softer and more focused on the emotional aspects. My wife needs both and preferably at the same time. She also needs to first be friends. She never could jump into bed with anyone unless there was some kind of emotional attachment, if only friendship.

 

Early one I knew from past experience that my wife would not only be curious about sex with another man since I was her one and only but also sex with a woman. We did a wife swap with good friends and on the way home my wife said that she hated it. She was expecting the gentle love making we had and instead got pounded into a couch for 20 minutes and left with bruises on her breasts. She told me that she never wanted to have sex with any other man on the drive home and she was true to her word.

 

Like the estimated 60% of cuckold men who enjoy watching their wives have sex with other men due to repressed bisexuality, my wife did the same. She encouraged women to join us in bed where she would watch, participate a little with a quick fondle or kiss or have sex with me afterwards when I smelled and tasted of the other woman. She was having sex with women by proxy. So far so good though because we were doing this as a couple in full view of each other. No sneaking around.

 

My wife is the one who masterminded getting me hooked sexually and emotionally with her best friend first so that I would be onboard with bringing her girlfriend into our home and bed. Neither of us knew that her friend is bi. What a shame that these two women who loved each other hid their sexual desire for each other for many years. Better late then never. A poly triad was our answer and we had the right mix of people. None of us ever got jealous. I used to have sex with our girlfriend many times without my wife but it was mostly fetish sex. My wife would cook us dinner as I was in bed with her best friend and lover.

 

You have to be supportive because my wife was afraid that I would leave her if I found out she was bi. In fact, not even the gay/lesbian community accepted bisexuality as a real sexual preference. To them and general society, my wife and girlfriend were lesbians in the closet. Our girlfriend was a school teacher and back then you could be fired for moral reasons. Both girls come from very religious families and would have been shunned. It was serious stuff back then when gay men were being beaten and killed while the police didn't do much about violence against gay men and women.

 

So you need to reassure her that you are fine with her sexuality whatever it may end up being. Impress upon her that you want to make sure that your marriage and each other is placed above all else, even monogamy if necessary. Let her know that you would be OK if she wanted to have sex with a girl in a FFM threesome. That will make her feel safer because if she did not like the sex or the girl, she could always turn her attention to you.

 

Have rules if there are things that would make you uneasy. It is easy to get carried away with a new sex partner and forget about your spouse. That goes for both of you. I had to do a balancing act to make both women feel equally desirable and attractive. I was a pro at it relationships with bisexual women. The danger never came from other women but rather from other men. Mostly because my exes were sexually confused due to what I said above about no one believing in bisexuality. They went out with men to find what was missing when all the time it was a woman that they needed. Every bi girlfriend I had enjoyed sex with men too. It really depended on their sex partner. They did go hot and cold on men or women, sometimes weekly.

 

There are times when my wife in only sexually interested with women and other times when she only is attracted to men. We love each other and she takes care of my sexual needs no matter who she prefers at the moment so there was rarely a problem. To this day my wife is free to date any woman she wants, with or without me but has never felt the need to exclude me. Women lack what I have and vice versa. My wife says that I make her feel safe and protected and has never had romantic feelings or the urge to date women. Only men.

 

Our girlfriend was more into me sexually than my wife but in all else she preferred women. My ex fiancé was married to a man for 20 years before she left him for a woman. Gender had nothing to do with it though. It was the person and not their sex that mattered to her.

 

Talk. Reassure her and find out what she needs and wants, then find a way to do it in a way that does not risk your marriage. Women can try to steal your wife away as much as men can.

 

Once you get it all figured out which may be that she can date women once in a while or have a female lover but comes home to you every night, it will become your normal life as it has been for us.

 

Then there are the perks assuming your wife is OK in having sex with a woman and you at the same time or if she can find a woman willing to have you watch or join in. We were lucky in that respect since my wife's friend and I flirted with each other since we were 13. She was more interested in me sexually than my wife but that changed over time.

 

I like that my wife points out hit girls to me and we can talk about if we would like to have sex with her or not. My wife and I have different tastes in women but it is still fun to watch girls in person or on TV and play F**K or Chuck. It was a lot of fun to go out with a hot girl on each arm. Guys gave me the thumbs up while their women started daggers at me. The girls would dance together which sometimes got guys aroused. I was OK with them dancing with other guys if the other guys were respectful. A few times guys would follow the girls back to my table thinking that the one with the wedding band was mine and the other was available. We handled that in different ways but the other guy always ended up with free drinks and a thank you for keeping our girlfriend company.

 

I do not know what else to tell you. When my wife was 63 and we were no longer with our girlfriend, not by choice of any of us, I asked my wife if she considered herself bi since she never spoke about it. She shocked me when she said that she never thought about it before. She only knew how to be what she is and never labeled it before. She used to call sex with her girlfriend, lesbian sex and I just know that for both, having me take part made them feel like hetero girls putting on a show for the man that they loved. They knew nothing about bisexuality. Later on my wife said that she guesses she is bi since she is attracted to the person and not their gender but she never referred to herself as bi until a year after that.

 

She has become much more comfortable in her sexuality now. She used to be shy about talking about it before but is more open now. However, we are too old to be thinking about other women. We both have medical issues that suite monogamy much better. I have never been in a relationship with a monogamous heterosexual woman before so it has been a learning experience just being monogamous. It is OK but three is definitely better then two when it comes to sex. :)

 

Good and honest communication between you is critical. Your wife needs to know that she can tell you anything without being judged or angering you. You do not want her to satisfy her bisexual need for a woman behind your back. Cheating is still cheating no matter who it is with. Threesomes are safer but we lost a few of our married friends that way. The problem always was due to only one of the spouses being attracted to the third in their bed. My best friend left his wife of 10 years with two kids, for a divorced female neighbor who had a threesome with them. The girl pursued my friend and my friend's wife got jealous and started her own affair with her boss. They divorced, each going to be with their new lovers.

 

It is always a good idea to have ground rules so that each of you does not do anything that the other would find upsetting. Sometimes just watching your spouse passionately kiss another will evoke jealousy. Maybe no penetration will be allowed with the other girl and always safe sex. You may get jealous watching your wife react sexually better than she does with you. New sex partners are always more exciting. However, rules go out the window when emotions take over so they are no guarantee of anything.

 

The best thing is to have FFM threesomes on vacation where there is no chance of seeing the other woman again. She also have to make sure that you do not make your wife jealous as sometimes it is easy to forget your spouse is also in bed when a hot young woman is making you moan. Just find something that works for you. I already know that if I die before my wife, she is done with men. She will live the rest of her days with a woman or alone. For some reason, she only wanted me as the male in her life and her girlfriend as the only female. She is an old fashioned girl with a twist, her bisexuality. Good luck and know that you can make it work. I have had a sex and love life that I never dreamed I or any man could ever have. Two women to love me and would do anything I asked of them. It does not get better than that but it took me three tries to succeed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

to be brutally honest with you, im afraid she doesn't sound happy at all, but has at least had the courage to tell you more of who she really is; however I'm afraid she is also half way to wanting to tell you more about what that means for your loving relationship as you see it.

 

i feel she deeply desires change (or at least is thinking of quite a bit) and will probably continue to in the future for a long time.

 

I also think your fears are telling you something and her unhappiness is too.

 

from what you've said (despite the marriage and positive things in this story, I'm still not convinced that this lady will be the person you spend the rest of your life with.... sorry!

 

regardless of whether she is your new wife or long term girl friend, attraction and wanting or questioning things so intensely is something that I think will be very difficult for her to switch off in her mind, and it sounds very much in your thoughts too (and understandably so!). you say the sex has returned, yes that could be self-esteem issues, but also could be just trying to figure her feelings out, so I'm not sure you should read too much into that regardless of it sounding better; sex may have returned but does she love you the way you need as is it a really equal love or is it that you feel it is getting better? (its not the same thing).

 

crying in private, that says a lot and sounds like she feels alone In this (I'm not saying your not supportive or that you are not loving, you sound a really caring person, but that doesn't mean that she isn't feeling alone about this issue.

 

some people are happy with guys others with girls, some prefer one and stay with them, whilst others spend time flitting and then they meet someone of the other sex (who shocks what they thought of themselves) but who just gets them and they never look back. but from what little you say i cant help feeling this is who she is I suspect and both you and her fear that she hasn't lived out her desires (or experimented enough) so all of this is adding to the already deep and unsettled emotions she feels already and now are making you thing of them too.

 

I cant help thinking things will only be more intense for her, even if things are hidden in private to stop you feeling so bad (as she must be aware that this is hurting you because she loves you), but I'm wondering if she is as in love with you from being comfortable and its just there, or that her affections are really her way of showing that she loves you, but doesn't want you the same way anymore.

 

it sounds though she needs to still really find herself (yet she feels awful as she knows she is hurting and has hurt you badly), so just goes along with the physical, and then the depression and tears come in as she struggles to deal with what her heart wants to find again.

 

I don't have any stories to share of similar experiences, but I'm not sure they would help you anyway in this sort of situation. you know your partner and there could be a million different reasons why other peoples experiences turned out the way they did, so I'm not sure if comparisons (unless very very similar to your specific situation and very similar as individual personalities which we can't know from a post, then I'm not sure it will do you that much good).

 

 

I'm sorry to sound so negative for you on this one:(, I generally prefer to put something positive things in the posts, but I'm afraid I just don't feel it on this one. but i am always honest in how i see a post, and i feel bad that i dont feel anything that can suggest long term hope or happiness for you.

 

I could be very very wrong and if I am then good, it would be nice to be wrong and hear that she has identified with how she loved you before marriage; but I think actually this is a private matter for you and your wife to talk over and find your way through what is going to be a tough journey and get thorough it as best as you can in the most honest, tender and kind way possible.

 

but my real feelings on this are that even if your wife is not going to do anything about this yet or doesn't feel she will, i feel it will be an ongoing feature of your relationship that will bring you both down and sooner or later it will all change anyway.

 

I also fear that when she meets someone more like her she will want to go because she has to! her heart is not happy at the moment; so the emotions if she does go will be even more raw and painful for both of you.

 

she is already aware of how females make her feel in terms of a relationship as a whole, she already has experience of those emotions and friendship bonds that go with being with another female.

 

I don't think this is going to go away for her, i feel she doesn't really know how to tell you the female part of her is yearning for another female, and that marriage may have happened too soon for her and that could be where the depression is coming from.

i think the real question you have to think about is being prepared to lose her.

 

im so sorry this is my post to you, but remember, even if you lose her, there is nothing to stop you in the future (if things do go wrong) finding your own happiness with a lady who is capable of returning your feelings.

but i think that your heart will get broken on this one! so very very best wishes you sound like a loving person; which is probably why she has struggled to tell you who she really is.

 

just remember, if she does go, it wasn't about her making a selfish choice or not thinking of you as a great guy, she has also probably already confronted or contemplated inner fears, other peoples potential prejudices, community immaturity, gossip and or disappointing people that know her as a married woman. but like you she has a right to be happy too. and her sexuality now is no one else's business with or without you!

 

if you can both be happy great, but if you have to let her go then at least let her go with your blessing and dignity, however much it hurts. it isn't you she is rejecting, its more she has to be who she knows she is or at least find out if that side of her connects.

 

it hasn't been the best reply for you, but its an honest one. take care. maxi.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Warning: this post has somewhat strong language in parts of it, and while I did not intent to come off as assholish or trollish, it may seem that way to some. But I say what you're about to read from a place of love, specifically tough love.

 

You married a low-quality whore. Sorry to say that about your wife and all, but I'm on your side here, and I'm saying it for your own benefit, and I say it not to hurt or offend but because I care and legitimately sympathize: you married a low-quality whore. She doesn't love you, and she may not even care about her children that much - it's possible that she cares only about herself. Needless to say you have already lost her, and that's most likely a good thing too, as you're better off losing a slut rather than keeping one.

 

Divorce this slut as soon as humanly possible. Don't try to win her faithfulness, and don't give her an ultimatum and say she must be monogamous or lose you - just hand her the divorce papers no matter what she says or does. Don't you be the one to move out either, make it so that you're the one who kicks her out of the house. Get a lawyer as soon as you can, and make sure the lawyer is cutthroat. Through it all, just remember: she doesn't love you, and she will use any sign of weakness you possess, such as you loving her, against you. The second you realize it's over - and it's a good thing it's over, since she's morally base, as well as a hoebag that wants your permission to use you as a doormat while she cheats on you, and you don't ever want to be with a woman that is of such low quality - admit to yourself that you have lost her, harden your heart (and your resolve) towards her, get rid of any feelings of love you have ever had for her (since she will only use those feelings to manipulate you and play you), realize you're no longer partners/lovers but are instead now competition in a survival-of-the-fittest scenario, consult a lawyer (as stated above, make sure they're cutthroat) and do everything the lawyer says (and you might even want to cut off all contact with her directly and only ever talk to her through your lawyer), make absolutely sure you'll be paying as little alimony as possible (hell, make sure sure *she* pays *you* alimony), and if the breakup and post-breakup ever get too heated, remember that you can fight for sole custody of your kids. Get her out of your house as soon as you can, and once she's gone split your time between raising your children and getting some replacement strange, hopefully from someone younger, prettier, and far more pleasant to be around, and far more faithful. (Certainly do not listen to the haters in this thread talking about how easy it would be for your wife to find a girlfriend, but next to impossible for you to do so; the infidelity section of this forum is living proof that married men have no problem finding women to ****, many times women younger than they are.)

 

Whatever happens, I wish you luck, and I honestly hope you pull through in this ordeal, and when you get out of it you'll be doing better than your current wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...