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Marriage in free fall (very long)


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 4th November 2017, 8:56 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by LoverOfDance View Post
It's honestly so upsetting to read this story.

I really think your wife took advantage of you when you were young. It's sad. Why would a grown woman ask you, a 21 year old at the time I'm guessing, to have a kid with her. You were young, what the hell did you know? When I was 19 or even 21 I knew nothing. I was a young adult and I was barely able to support myself.

I've dated quite a lot and I've heard that older women with kids struggle in the dating scene. I think they have a smaller dating pool because many men their age or older, do not want to date women who already have kids with other men. I think that being older with kids didn't help her in the dating scene.

I think that when she saw that you were interested in her, she didn't hesitate to grab on to you because she may not have had a lot of options. Also, you were young and I hate to say it but very easy to manipulate especially by a woman who is much older than you.

This is just my speculation. Why would a grown woman ask such a young man who is practically still a kid himself to have a kid with her? I am positive that at that age you barely knew what you were doing. I feel like she stole your youth to be honest.
I haven't wanted to look at things this way because the reality just isn't pleasant, but there's a distinct possibility that pretty much everything you have said is correct.

Because I was an only child and never had a dad around (he moved out when I was 3 and later relocated to California) I vowed to NEVER leave my kids and to always fight for them and a good family life. I regret agreeing to having our son after only being together for 4 months. By the time he was born we had been together 13 months. Within a year of that period I was hating life and feeling stuck.

I always thought that unhappiness was a transient period where you have to fight through and work through hard times. I was motivated like no one else to make things right. Instead of facing reality, I ignored it and proposed to my wife 3.5 years after we met. I was determined to pursue a career working on an oil rig, earning good money, where a buddy of mine tried to help me get into. That didn't work as the financial crisis ruined that.

My father in law paid for the wedding and straight after we got married we conceived our little girl, born in September 2010. Everything fell apart from pretty much that point onwards and I won't repeat what I've already posted on page 1, other than what I have already posted which was to try and give context to my direct response to this post. The rest is there - the beginning of the end. Where everything goes from here, I'm really not sure.

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 4th November 2017 at 9:02 AM..
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Old 4th November 2017, 10:09 AM   #62
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Hi Trailblazer, I guess you find yourself between a rock and a hard place right now. Most folks on here have analysed your situation fairly accurately and given you good feedback which you would do well to give a once over. Having said that, I would not like to rehash what others have said. I made a post a while ago along some of the lines that others have been talking about so I will leave it at that and talk about something else to shift your focus a bit.

The fact is that after reading your replies to what other people have written, I have noticed that you are able to express yourself very well and your command over the language and also your analytical skills are very good. You are able to Marshall your thoughts and arguments in a manner which makes the maximum impact. I do not know what your educational qualifications are, but considering that you branched out into the field of a mechanic, makes me think that you gave up the opportunity of going to college and pursuing some kind of a professional qualification like a Masters in Business Administration or some other such qualification which would have enabled you to join the corporate sector and done better in terms of a good income as compared to your current profession. To my mind it appears that it may yet not be too late for you to take up a college education by attending night classes or whichever way it is possible. You seem to have the latent talent for it if you put your mind to it. I would suggest a couple of books that could get you going on a path of self improvement. These books are "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. These two books could be life changing for you and since you are on the cusp of your future, a step taken in the right direction now will yield results that are incomparable to the effort you put in to achieve them. You could yet become the man who beats his own wife's expectations by a humongous mile. Just think about it. Don't lament your situation. Remember the saying "If you are handed a lemon make a lemonade"! Warm wishes.
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Old 4th November 2017, 3:42 PM   #63
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op,
I'm not going to write a huge epistle to you, as it sounds like what you want right now is far more pragmatic.

Here's a bit of advice. I hope it's helpful to you.

First off, your kids are old enough to be helping out around the house. I've got three kids myself, and believe me, parents do not help their children by coddling them. they can help clean, cook, do the marketing, etc. How else are they ever going to survive on their own if they haven't learned how? You and your wife are not their buddies or friends, you are their parents. It's a very different kettle of fish.

second, tell your wife to smarten up. I fully expect that her view of your situation could be very different than your, but she is a mother of four kids in her forties. this isn't the time to start a new career as a police officer, especially when she doesn't meet the criteria. Am I right that she is an attorney? If so, then why doesn't she return to that career instead of bitching at you for not making the money she wants?

third, in spite of what I just mentioned, I don't think your wife is a terrible person She sounds stressed, tired, ill and disappointed. Both your tanks are on empty. Is there any way that the two of you can get away, even just overnight? Have the older kids watch the younger ones and scrape together a bit of money and book into a local bed and breakfast, go camping, do something on your own. My spouse and I have been married 20 years, and we just got to have our first "alone" weekend away. It was really nice ( our kids all have health issues or developmental delays, so for us, all of this had to wait until hey were at a place where they can be on their own)

fourth- give yourselves a break. It's hard being a parent, and you both have a whole lot of extra stress besides that to carry. Letting yourself get wound tighter and tighter helps no one. Decompress. Sit your kids down as a group and have a family discussion about money and how, at least for now, belts will need to be tightened, and that includes them. even younger kids can understand this, and it can be an important life lesson for them.

fifth- your wife sounds like she has some mental health issues. She may not want help, but as the saying goes "physician, heal thyself". This should be a priority over any sort of weight loss surgery ( which, if things are as tight as you say, how can she justify that surgery? From what I understand, it won't magically fix her prediabetes)

I do hope that you and your can slow down, take a breath and decompress. I've been in a similar place to where you are, and it's hard. Be kind to yourselves.
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:13 PM   #64
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Hi Trailblazer, I guess you find yourself between a rock and a hard place right now. Most folks on here have analysed your situation fairly accurately and given you good feedback which you would do well to give a once over. Having said that, I would not like to rehash what others have said. I made a post a while ago along some of the lines that others have been talking about so I will leave it at that and talk about something else to shift your focus a bit.

The fact is that after reading your replies to what other people have written, I have noticed that you are able to express yourself very well and your command over the language and also your analytical skills are very good. You are able to Marshall your thoughts and arguments in a manner which makes the maximum impact. I do not know what your educational qualifications are, but considering that you branched out into the field of a mechanic, makes me think that you gave up the opportunity of going to college and pursuing some kind of a professional qualification like a Masters in Business Administration or some other such qualification which would have enabled you to join the corporate sector and done better in terms of a good income as compared to your current profession. To my mind it appears that it may yet not be too late for you to take up a college education by attending night classes or whichever way it is possible. You seem to have the latent talent for it if you put your mind to it. I would suggest a couple of books that could get you going on a path of self improvement. These books are "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. These two books could be life changing for you and since you are on the cusp of your future, a step taken in the right direction now will yield results that are incomparable to the effort you put in to achieve them. You could yet become the man who beats his own wife's expectations by a humongous mile. Just think about it. Don't lament your situation. Remember the saying "If you are handed a lemon make a lemonade"! Warm wishes.
Thanks for the kind words buddy. I can't remember if I've mentioned it but I am doing an associate's degree in management through Portland Community College. So far I have been doing it for 3 years, part time. It has been a bit of a grind but I am getting there with it. It comprises practical and online learning, and I have gotten a lot out of it. Meeting people from backgrounds very different to my own and expanding my networks will hopefully yield some successful results in the future.

I wouldn't say I gave up going to college because of any other life choices. It's never too late and I said that from the very beginning of my apprenticeship. I was never one to really want to be stuck in an office all day and I do prefer to use my brain for practical things. Having said that, I have been a mechanic including my apprenticeship for 15 years so the time is right to try and move up into something better. I have a few plans for down the track, so i guess we'll see how things go in the not too distant future.
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:42 PM   #65
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
op,
I'm not going to write a huge epistle to you, as it sounds like what you want right now is far more pragmatic.

Here's a bit of advice. I hope it's helpful to you.

First off, your kids are old enough to be helping out around the house. I've got three kids myself, and believe me, parents do not help their children by coddling them. they can help clean, cook, do the marketing, etc. How else are they ever going to survive on their own if they haven't learned how? You and your wife are not their buddies or friends, you are their parents. It's a very different kettle of fish.

second, tell your wife to smarten up. I fully expect that her view of your situation could be very different than your, but she is a mother of four kids in her forties. this isn't the time to start a new career as a police officer, especially when she doesn't meet the criteria. Am I right that she is an attorney? If so, then why doesn't she return to that career instead of bitching at you for not making the money she wants?

third, in spite of what I just mentioned, I don't think your wife is a terrible person She sounds stressed, tired, ill and disappointed. Both your tanks are on empty. Is there any way that the two of you can get away, even just overnight? Have the older kids watch the younger ones and scrape together a bit of money and book into a local bed and breakfast, go camping, do something on your own. My spouse and I have been married 20 years, and we just got to have our first "alone" weekend away. It was really nice ( our kids all have health issues or developmental delays, so for us, all of this had to wait until hey were at a place where they can be on their own)

fourth- give yourselves a break. It's hard being a parent, and you both have a whole lot of extra stress besides that to carry. Letting yourself get wound tighter and tighter helps no one. Decompress. Sit your kids down as a group and have a family discussion about money and how, at least for now, belts will need to be tightened, and that includes them. even younger kids can understand this, and it can be an important life lesson for them.

fifth- your wife sounds like she has some mental health issues. She may not want help, but as the saying goes "physician, heal thyself". This should be a priority over any sort of weight loss surgery ( which, if things are as tight as you say, how can she justify that surgery? From what I understand, it won't magically fix her prediabetes)

I do hope that you and your can slow down, take a breath and decompress. I've been in a similar place to where you are, and it's hard. Be kind to yourselves.
I'm on my cell phone so it's hard to address all your points by quoting them individually. I will try to adress them all anyway.

Firstly, my stepdaughter helps out around the house a lot. She works part-time at a diner and makes a small financial contribution to the household. She looks after our youngest daughter a fair bit, especially in times like summer break when my wife might be doing work or the like. She's great for the most part. My stepson on the other hand can be aloof at times and is less willing to help out. He spends a lot of time between work and his girlfriend's house. What little time he spends at home isn't spent doing chores. But he does contribute financially towards his own expenses.

It's been a contentious issue with my wife wanting to join the police. She thinks it's her best way to make money and has been told by a cop we know as well as the recruitment department that anyone with a certain college degree, or more, gets fast tracked through the application process. Once she has her surgery she will meet the criteria. As for her not getting a legal job - the aforementioned financial issues (bankruptcy) has meant that obtaining a government job similar to what she was doing is untenable.

My wife's not a terrible person at all. She's far from perfect and a lot of things about her I find difficult to handle, but in many ways we're just incompatible so we bring the worst of each other out. What I will say is that we have managed to get away a few times a year and it does help. Between my father in law and stepdaughter, they have looked after our kids to allow us a little respite on many occasions. While it helps, it doesn't fix the core issues though.

I'm unsure whether my wife has mental health issues. She had a harsh upbringing with an abusive mother and a asperger's younger brother who she shielded through the worst of the domestic violence they were subjected to. She had a bad run with boyfriends before me as well, so yeah she hasn't had it easy. Being a psychologist (qualified) it's been hard for me to convince her to get any therapy. She says she knows how it all works and if she's diagnosed with anything she already knows the coping mechanisms they'll employ. She also said she doesn't want meds because they will make her less functional.

As for the surgery, there's been many documented cases of people stopping the onset of type 2 diabetes afterwards. The aim of the surgery is rapid weight loss. It stands to reason that people who can rapidly drop and maintain weight loss will see a reversal of pre-diabetes and insulin resistance, thus ensuring full-blown type 2 diabetes isn't developed and in most cases negating the need for meds like metformin and the like which have unfavourable side effects. Just Google bariatric surgery and type 2 diabetes reversal if you want to know more info than I'm qualified to provide.
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