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Hi LoveShack,

 

This forum has been helpful to me, so I thought I come here for some opinions. Briefly, dating 3 years, married for 1 year, salary / income / life goals matches up, personalities don't. She's an optimist wants happiness in her life, I'm a realist and know life comes with ups and downs, maybe even sometimes with more downs.

 

My wife and I went on a holiday. It was a very good time until this conversation subtly came up. She said: "XXX, you've been the sweetest to me. I've been thinking what would make me happier in 3 years but I myself know you're someone who isn't this, this and this"

 

Okay, so some proportions here. Basically what my wife is saying is that I fulfill 70% of her criteria but don't in the 30%. What's this? Keep it short, appreciating fine dining, being the lead in people's interaction, having this omnipotent sense of direction. Yes, girls want everything.

 

My question is that should I at some point think of the day that my wife just can't take it because I might confuse foie gras with chicken liver and just bail?

 

Cheers,

Nicky (pseudo name)

Edited by noonynicky
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If you are a realist, then you should understand and accept that there will always be things that your wife wants, that you can not provide. Whether that is a love of fine dining or an omnipresent sense of direction...

 

When each person chooses a mate, we all decide what is most important and we chose the person who meets "most" of those criteria.

 

Seems to me that she is the realist here, because she knows there are things she may enjoy in a partner and she has made her peace that these things are just not you. You should be glad actually, because this is preferable to a woman who marries you thinking that she's going to change you...

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should I at some point think of the day that my wife just can't take it because I might confuse foie gras with chicken liver and just bail?

 

Why don't you ask her that?

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Seems to me that she is the realist here, because she knows there are things she may enjoy in a partner and she has made her peace that these things are just not you. You should be glad actually, because this is preferable to a woman who marries you thinking that she's going to change you...

 

No one forced the other into the marriage. Yes, she accepted who I was THEN. And she emphasizes that she knows I don't have that 30% of qualities she wished I had.

 

But I believe this is a case of her NOW realizing she may have wanted those things - her guy appreciating fine dining, always having the best sense of direction - that I don't have in a guy.

 

Maybe I can introduce another angle of seeing this. My wife is someone who best examplifies the concept of unlimited wants. Remember the 70% fulfilled, 30% unfilled proportions. Let's say that about 3 months ago, it was something like 50% fulfilled, 50% unfilled. Then I told her to be patient as I know that missing 20% will soon come, based on my research and willingness to solve the problem.

 

And I think there lies the difference in how we see our marriage. I ACCEPT our marriage as it is now, whether it goes up or down, it is what it is. She, on the other hand, is thinking of how she can be happier in our marriage in the future. Which I think is a fair question to asked. But my reply is that "to what end?" When can she accept our marriage as it is?

 

Why don't you ask her that?

 

I did. She can't give me a definitive answer on whether she'll be satisfied if I NEVER memorized Italian, Parisian dishes, if I NEVER was able to memorize the layout of 100 streets and 100 blocks of NYC. She doesn't know.

 

By the way, is it a fair question that I even ask her this? "Would you leave if I would NEVER fulfill this 30%?"

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Anyway, I just want to interject that this 30% doesn't include other qualities which I believe will make the ordinary girl satisfied - top 80% percentile income in the nation, top rank US school, I'm generous buying her gifts, I'm DEFINITELY loyal maybe even to a fault, I'm saving up for our future / home. Just to emphasize that I'm not some lazy bum hanging out in my Mom's garage.

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Sounds to me like she is just looking for a reason to throw you under a bus and make you think of leaving her or her leaving you if you can't change.

Don't change for anyone else...ever. Not even your wife.

All you keep saying is that she is missing 30% from you. So what about her?

Is she 100% perfect for you? I doubt it. Super great in bed? Perfect attitude towards being a wife and future mother maybe?. Honestly, doesnt sound like it.

So the best you can do is talk about it but try and compromise. Like if she really really wants you to change a small part then you tell her about something of her that you want to change too. If she is not willing to do that then you got married too soon to really know her my friend

....remember this is just a opinion....

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Don't change for anyone else...ever. Not even your wife.

All you keep saying is that she is missing 30% from you. So what about her?

Is she 100% perfect for you? I doubt it. Super great in bed? Perfect attitude towards being a wife and future mother maybe?. Honestly, doesnt sound like it.

So the best you can do is talk about it but try and compromise. Like if she really really wants you to change a small part then you tell her about something of her that you want to change too. If she is not willing to do that then you got married too soon to really know her my friend

 

Haha AriesDude, I know that this was coming. But I appreciate it.

 

So I don't think she's throwing me under the bus. Let me try to be clear. As it is now, our marriage has actually been good. She's not malicious, not conniving and definitely not disloyal. She texts me close to every 6 hours saying she misses me, and honestly I think she means it.

 

At the same time, she's definitely not 100% perfect for me. We have concluded that my shortcomings is affecting her MUCH more than her shortcomings is me.

 

So two things:

 

- That's why this might be the case of her NOT knowing how she might feel IN THE FUTURE while using the present situation / happiness to mask the unknown, when at the same time, she convinces herself that it'll just happen, I'll be that 100% perfect guy.

 

- I, on the other hand, ACCEPT the marriage as it is because, utmost truth: 1) I don't think finding the right partner is the end all and be all of life's goals and 2) My goal is more of giving than taking, even if that's at the expense of my happiness. (See how this is opposite from her)

 

Thus, a conflict of philosophies.

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Haha :)

So two things:

 

- That's why this might be the case of her NOT knowing how she might feel IN THE FUTURE while using the present situation / happiness to mask the unknown, when at the same time, she convinces herself that it'll just happen, I'll be that 100% perfect guy.

 

- I, on the other hand, ACCEPT the marriage as it is because, utmost truth: 1) I don't think finding the right partner is the end all and be all of life's goals and 2) My goal is more of giving than taking, even if that's at the expense of my happiness..

 

Still sounds like you are trying to base your future happiness off of whether or not you can please her enough...and that is IF you can fullfill your own shortcomings and as you said "become that 100% guy" which even you don't believe you could. All I can see is you crawling behind her and listening to everything she ever tells you to do to make her happy by being "selfless"

It will kill you in the end and you'll just be back on this forum asking for more advice a year later lol. But ey man if you're happy then go ahead :).

Honestly though I hope it all works out but try the compromise thing :)

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I've got quite a few different thoughts which don't necessarily connect, so bear with me.

 

You talk about being only 70% of what she wants. Did she give you the 70/30 split, or did you come up with that? It's just that I'd be surprised if the combination of the things she's missing comes in as high as 30%.

 

Regarding the things she wants from you, is there room to meet in the middle?

 

For example, does appreciating fine dining mean that she wants you to memorise ingredients? Or does it mean that she wants you to be able to enjoy a fine meal without making disparaging comments about large plate/small serve? Not saying you do this, but trying to ascertain what "appreciation" actually means to her.

 

The social thing. What exactly does she want here? Is the problem that you're unable to hold up your end of a conversation with a stranger at a house party? You know, basic social skills. Or is it something different?

 

Being decisive. Can you give concrete examples of things she'd like you to decide? Is it that she'd like you to plan dates or give input into a holiday destination? Or is it something else?

 

Anyway, I just want to interject that this 30% doesn't include other qualities which I believe will make the ordinary girl satisfied - top 80% percentile income in the nation, top rank US school, I'm generous buying her gifts, I'm DEFINITELY loyal maybe even to a fault, I'm saving up for our future / home.

 

I'm an ordinary woman and the things you list here are pretty ho hum to me.

 

*My husband is also a high income earner, but it's his personality which attracts me - not his income. I'd love him just as much if he earned half the income he does.

*Top Rank US school? Meh, who cares. Prestigious schools do not impress me.

*Gifts are nice, but I'd prefer quality time and doing fun stuff together. Does she place as high a value on gifts as you do?

*What does "loyal maybe even to a fault" mean? I hope you're not a doormat.

 

As an ordinary woman, I want a guy who shares my sense of humour. One who's lifestyle meshes well with mine. A man who I can respect and who respects me. A man who is kind. A man who knows my favourite pizza topping. Rethink the things which a woman (your wife) may appreciate.

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Basil, thank you for your reply. Really didn't meant to be verbose, but since you asked.

 

For example, does appreciating fine dining mean that she wants you to memorise ingredients? Or does it mean that she wants you to be able to enjoy a fine meal without making disparaging comments about large plate/small serve? Not saying you do this, but trying to ascertain what "appreciation" actually means to her.

 

The social thing. What exactly does she want here? Is the problem that you're unable to hold up your end of a conversation with a stranger at a house party? You know, basic social skills. Or is it something different?

 

Being decisive. Can you give concrete examples of things she'd like you to decide? Is it that she'd like you to plan dates or give input into a holiday destination? Or is it something else?

 

Fine dining - I'm respectful to the industry of fine dining. I'm good paying a few hundred for an appetizer and an entree. The issue is that I rarely remember the dishes I eat, their name, taste, carbo types. Thus, I can't faciliate a conversation with her where we can compare various dishes and rank them.

 

Put differently, I see food almost always as attaining nutrition. To me, a dining experience is once had and then forgetten.

 

The social thing - My wife expects me to fight for my rights as a customer in this world. For example, she expect that I would demand prompt service from sales people, that I can hold a store open outside opening hours because she was running late and wanted to get something from there. Or even in different scenarios, she expects that I fight for a large bonus from my current employer, justified or not.

 

Sense of direction - When I diverge, even for 2 minutes, from the optimal path between a new restaurant we went and our hotel, she would question why I didn't thoroughly plan calling a cab knowing I might have downloaded an app as we were in a foreign country. (I knew girls were particular, but THIS particular!)

 

While I seem to be painting an overly negative picture of our marriage, lol, allow me to balance it with the positives.

 

- We both see eye to eye regarding children, later rather than sooner.

- We are in the same industry, both enjoy our jobs and can have daily constructive opinions about the news.

- Interest that overlap, critiquing fashion, music reality shows, movie tastes

- We are supportive of each other's careers. The past has shown that one would go at lengths to help the other's career, give opinions, support a temporary relocation.

 

*My husband is also a high income earner, but it's his personality which attracts me - not his income. I'd love him just as much if he earned half the income he does.

*Top Rank US school? Meh, who cares. Prestigious schools do not impress me.

*Gifts are nice, but I'd prefer quality time and doing fun stuff together. Does she place as high a value on gifts as you do?

*What does "loyal maybe even to a fault" mean? I hope you're not a doormat.

 

As an ordinary woman, I want a guy who shares my sense of humour. One who's lifestyle meshes well with mine. A man who I can respect and who respects me. A man who is kind. A man who knows my favourite pizza topping. Rethink the things which a woman (your wife) may appreciate.

 

*My husband is also a high income earner. DISAGREE. We're in a part of the world where top 80 percentile only gets you 1,000 sqft outside the city. She made it clear that income is her priority in a guy. The last year was me striving to where I am now.

 

*Top Rank US school. AGREE. I don't think it matters to her.

 

*Gifts are nice, but I'd prefer quality time and doing fun stuff together. MAYBE. She emphasized that her life goal is an easy and rich life. Buying gifts seems natural and was always within my financial means.

 

*What does "loyal maybe even to a fault" mean? AGREE. My default stance is to defer to her as she is the opinionated, strong willed, always gets what she wants, structured person whereas I'm thinking of walking to a random cafe on a Sun afternoon listening to some music after a week of hard work.

 

Conclusions:

- I'm actually okay tolerating this 30% of the time when I know I'm not that guy my wife wants me to be. I'm very inert due to the fact that this marriage isn't the end all and be all of life. In a very strange way, I remind myself that there are poor people in the world and that I've not met with a fatal car accident, thus I'm good!

- I guess it comes down to how long will my wife be able to take this? 3 years or forever? So I'm planning for the worst.

- Should I at any point make a decision based on her lack of recognizing the situation?

Edited by noonynicky
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What is that 30%?

 

Can you in any way fulfill that 30%?

 

Can you negotiate?

 

I think she in the best way she can is challenging you.

 

Time to take up the challenge and shake it up!

 

Be happy she talked to you - great first step!

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Thanks for your detailed answer Nicky. Those things you don't match her on? Totally reasonable on your part. Between this and a previous post you made, I think you're doing exceedingly well to tolerate her. I just hope the good makes up for it.

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What is that 30%?

 

I guess you didn't read my earlier reply. The 30% is:

 

Fine dining - I'm respectful to the industry of fine dining. I'm good paying a few hundred for an appetizer and an entree. The issue is that I rarely remember the dishes I eat, their name, taste, carbo types. Thus, I can't faciliate a conversation with her where we can compare various dishes and rank them.

 

Put differently, I see food almost always as attaining nutrition. To me, a dining experience is once had and then forgetten.

 

The social thing - My wife expects me to fight for my rights as a customer in this world. For example, she expect that I would demand prompt service from sales people, that I can hold a store open outside opening hours because she was running late and wanted to get something from there. Or even in different scenarios, she expects that I fight for a large bonus from my current employer, justified or not.

 

Sense of direction - When I diverge, even for 2 minutes, from the optimal path between a new restaurant we went and our hotel, she would question why I didn't thoroughly plan calling a cab knowing I might have downloaded an app as we were in a foreign country. (I knew girls were particular, but THIS particular!)

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I guess you didn't read my earlier reply. The 30% is:

 

Fine dining - I'm respectful to the industry of fine dining. I'm good paying a few hundred for an appetizer and an entree. The issue is that I rarely remember the dishes I eat, their name, taste, carbo types. Thus, I can't faciliate a conversation with her where we can compare various dishes and rank them.

 

Put differently, I see food almost always as attaining nutrition. To me, a dining experience is once had and then forgetten.

 

The social thing - My wife expects me to fight for my rights as a customer in this world. For example, she expect that I would demand prompt service from sales people, that I can hold a store open outside opening hours because she was running late and wanted to get something from there. Or even in different scenarios, she expects that I fight for a large bonus from my current employer, justified or not.

 

Sense of direction - When I diverge, even for 2 minutes, from the optimal path between a new restaurant we went and our hotel, she would question why I didn't thoroughly plan calling a cab knowing I might have downloaded an app as we were in a foreign country. (I knew girls were particular, but THIS particular!)

 

My wife is from th city and loves wine and is an astute wine connoisseur. I'm from the sticks and have no idea what a taste bud is. I've learned about wine and when we go tasting I talk wile we taste trying to learn the terms and whatever. I'm still not a wine enthusiast but I've come to like some things and the rest I either fake or force myself to take an interest. I think in time I'll be there.

 

Just be interested and try. It's a hobby of hers she wants to share with you.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
She emphasized that her life goal is an easy and rich life.

 

Sounds like you were OK with her entitlement issues when you married her, correct?

 

Do you feel the two of you have more of a business arrangement than an emotional connection? I do wonder how long this relationship can last if this is the case because you sound to have more (normal!) emotional needs and hers are based on things and logistics.

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BWith all due respect, I feel like you are overthinking things and this is much ado about nothing...

 

If I woman leaves you because you don't like fine dining and you don't have a sense of direction... Then maybe, that is not the woman for you. Those are two things that when you look at what makes a happy life, don't really matter very much.

 

But seriously, if you are looking for a guarantee that she will never cheat or leave you, you will not find that here. People change and what they want in a relationship may always change... This is the risk that we all take in relationships. It's just the way it goes...

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An interest in fine dining, the need to hone some social skills and a sense of direction can hardly be equated to 30% of a person's worth, so my take on this is not that his wife is seeking a way out, but that the OP is.

I detect building resentment

 

I'm very inert due to the fact that this marriage isn't the end all and be all of life.
I don't think finding the right partner is the end all and be all of life's goals

My default stance is to defer to her as she is the opinionated, strong willed, always gets what she wants structured person

My wife is someone who best exemplifies the concept of unlimited wants.
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Men Marry Women with the Hope They Will Never Change.

 

Women Marry Men with the Hope They Will Change

 

 

I think its difficult to expect someone to fulfill all your needs or wants, or fulfillment. The answer is whats important to you. I am in a very low sex/intimacy, but other wise functional/stable marriage. I have a friend - her husband is an alcoholic and has lost jobs, but they are very connected/intimate/sexual. Neither of us are very happy right now (but would be if that our one issue was gone) and neither of us would trade our situations with each other. We both agreed we would in fact divorce if we both swapped marriage "issues".

Edited by dichotomy
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And as always, it is the guys fault when the come here asking for help.

 

Of course it is the guy that really wants to leave because the woman never leaves. If she does it's the fault of the guy.

 

What bullshet a lot of the post have been.

 

If you can't read or just refuse to see that OP's wife is the one that has the problem with the 30%, then you need to go back and reread what OP has posted. She is the one that brought up the faults and their future together, not OP.

 

OP has changed parts of himself to connect better if you missed that part.

 

Also OP is happy with her by what he says. Able to look past her faults because he loves her and knows no one is a perfect matchup.

 

If anyone is looking to leave it's OP's wife. For the things she has brought up are petty to say the least.

 

OP I believe your wife is becoming discontented with you. You need to have a serious talk about the relationship with her. The things she has brought up are out of the normal to cause problems in a marriage.

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- We both see eye to eye regarding children, later rather than sooner.

 

I just noticed that you are now both 33, how much later do you envisage leaving it?

A woman's fertility naturally starts to decline in her late 20s.

By age 35, a woman's fertility is reduced by nearly half.

Maybe her "dissatisfaction" may be coming from this.

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I did. She can't give me a definitive answer on whether she'll be satisfied if I NEVER memorized Italian, Parisian dishes, if I NEVER was able to memorize the layout of 100 streets and 100 blocks of NYC. She doesn't know.

 

By the way, is it a fair question that I even ask her this? "Would you leave if I would NEVER fulfill this 30%?"

 

Hell yes, it is a fair question. And the fact that she couldn't give you a definitive answer says a lot, in my opinion. To me, it sounds like she is saying, "I don't know if I'll ever see you as good enough for me," to which I have to say that both of you should have felt that you were good enough for each other the day you got married.

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Tell her that 70% out of an infinite possibility of things she may desire is an awful lot. If she can't accept that, then she'll never accept who you are.

 

Then sit her down and watch a couple of episodes of "Green Acres". I'm only half joking about this part. Ask if she would prefer life this way with no choices about where she lives, etc.

 

Marriage is supposed to be a compromise of equals. A spouse is not a Barbie or Ken doll that one gets to shape and position however you want.

Edited by Doorstopper
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I guess you didn't read my earlier reply. The 30% is:

 

Fine dining - I'm respectful to the industry of fine dining. I'm good paying a few hundred for an appetizer and an entree. The issue is that I rarely remember the dishes I eat, their name, taste, carbo types. Thus, I can't faciliate a conversation with her where we can compare various dishes and rank them.

 

Put differently, I see food almost always as attaining nutrition. To me, a dining experience is once had and then forgetten.

 

The social thing - My wife expects me to fight for my rights as a customer in this world. For example, she expect that I would demand prompt service from sales people, that I can hold a store open outside opening hours because she was running late and wanted to get something from there. Or even in different scenarios, she expects that I fight for a large bonus from my current employer, justified or not.

 

Sense of direction - When I diverge, even for 2 minutes, from the optimal path between a new restaurant we went and our hotel, she would question why I didn't thoroughly plan calling a cab knowing I might have downloaded an app as we were in a foreign country. (I knew girls were particular, but THIS particular!)

 

Yeah...

 

 

She's a Type A personality control freak who wants you to be Mr. Perfect.

 

 

Tell her she can take care of picking restaurants and haggling with staff...that as far as you are concerned that stuff is beneath you. You spend "hundreds" on meals? Excuse me? Tell her 90% of people on this planet spend $60 at the Texas Roadhouse and count themselves lucky to enjoy that.

 

 

Tell her to keep her nose out of your employment thank you. What happens between you and your employer is your purview not hers. She should count herself lucky to be married to a hard working man with a good paying salary. That in itself is enough and more than most have.

 

 

Bonuses are handed out by employers at THEIR discretion to employees who have earned them, and usually only when the company has earned a profit for that year. You don't go to an employer arguing to get a raise...you state the reasons you deserve one and let the employer decide. What planet did this woman grow up on?

 

 

If you aren't making enough for her... tell her you will grant her a divorce and she can go find a billionaire to be a trophy wife to.

 

 

I don't like your wife's attitude. It reeks of entitlement. Entitlement is the language of destruction in a marriage.

Edited by Cephalopod
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