SamaraFalling Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 Hello everyone! I want to get some opinions about solo travel from you all. I moved from California to Colorado about four years ago, I still have many friends in Cali and find myself very homesick. I have made the trip back West a few times in the past few years but I am about to start grad school in a year and know that I will not have the time or money soon to travel. I want to take one last trip back to California before school starts. I am also a person who prefers to travel solo, although I have taken many pleasant trips with my husband in the past four years (in other words, he isn't always left out of travel plans, we went to Hawaii and Florida this year together). My husband, on the other hand, does not understand or like it when I travel by myself. He would prefer we take all trips together, and last time I asked if he would be ok with me taking a trip alone (this was about 6 months ago) he got angry and accused me of wasting money on a needless trip. So, this is not an entirely unfounded statement, I am saving money for school, but we recently sat down to crunch the numbers and discovered that at the rate I am saving, by the time school comes around I will have saved more than I need. We currently still have separate banking accounts, I work full time and save a decent chunk of money each month. I also pay for all of our outings as a couple, his health insurance, his gym membership, part of his share of rent and all our groceries. He barely works part-time. I know from past trips that I can make this drive to California and back (including the costs of camping and food) for $500. At my job, that's just one overtime shift. I pick up overtime shifts at least once or twice a month. I guess this is what it boils down to for me: I make this money, I work extra hours to make sure it doesn't take away from our savings, he can't afford to travel with me (and honestly, I prefer to do this alone), and I need/want a break to see my friends and enjoy some solo road tripping before grad school owns me. I'm asking if you think my request is reasonable (get to take one week off, spend $500 of the money I make to travel alone to see friends). What would you do in my situation, or in my husbands situation? Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 If you can afford it and it's your money then you should go. My parents and I live in Chicago. Right now my Dad is on vacation in NYC for a week while my Mom is here. Sometimes they take trips together, sometimes they do their own thing. Honestly I'm not sure why you have to request to go on a trip with your own money being an adult. My parents tell the other what they have planned for themselves and then do it. They don't ask each other permission. Hope you go and have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 It's important to make a decision that suits both. Is the solo trip worth the issues that will cause in your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamaraFalling Posted August 12, 2017 Author Share Posted August 12, 2017 It's important to make a decision that suits both. Is the solo trip worth the issues that will cause in your relationship? That's a good question. Is this one trip worth it if it causes major issues for us? No. But the precedent that it seems to be setting (i.e. he gets to veto all my trips from now on, I lose the freedom to travel alone which is one of the most enjoyable things in my life right now), that is worrying to me. He threw a fit when I drove out to Oakland for a good friend's wedding a year ago. He finally "let" me go, but not after he yelled at me for a good while. I don't feel one solo trip a year back home to see friends is inappropriate and I don't want to set the tone of the relationship that says that all trips will now be with him or not at all. I guess he and I just need to do more talking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 He is feeling less of a man because you seem to be the breadwinner. His anger is coming from him there and not necessarily you. You need to talk more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 My husband & I occasionally travel without the other one but that is usually a mutual decision. I went on a girls' trip last year & this year he was supposed to go to a Marine reunion without me because I didn't want to do a cross country flight on such a short turn around. Here I can see why your husband is concerned & unhappy. You keep insisting that traveling without him -- getting away from him -- is the best part of your life. You need to figure out why that is. What is it that makes you want to run from your marriage? If you have the money for your husband to come with you, it seems like a no-brainer: travel together. Even if you want to have lunch or go shopping with your girlfriends without your husband while you are there, you will still be crawling into bed at the end of the day with your husband. What's wrong with that? You are supposed to be team. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamaraFalling Posted August 12, 2017 Author Share Posted August 12, 2017 I don't doubt that it stings a bit to hear that your partner wants to travel without you, but not everyone views marriage as a promise to do everything together forever. My mother and father take trips both together and apart (she goes to New Mexico alone to visit her best friend, he takes cross-country bike rides). They both value their time apart from each other, it gives them a sense of being independent and well-rounded. Maybe because I grew up with this as the norm, as the assumed way couples behave, I learned to expect my travel freedom to continue in all my relationships. And in all my past relationships, I have always had solo travel adventures, as did my partners. It was a non-issue, until now, and the difficulty it has presented has honestly been a bit surprising and frustrating. I am a loner, I do not want to be around anyone all the time, not even a person I love very deeply. I need time alone, and I do not get much of it. I treasure the few solo trips I do get to take because they are more than just a vacation, or a way to "get away from my husband"- for me they are rejuvenating. I do understand that not everyone feels this way, but I do expect my husband to try to meet me halfway (maybe I only take one trip a year instead of two or three, for example, or I take him on a trip as well (which I have done twice this year)) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 I read your other thread. He's a violent bully. Take a permanent vacation from him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 You are both right and you both are wrong. You want one last solo trip. He wants to join you. The money isn't the only issue - it may not be the issue at all. It's your time off. If it's limited, then he is losing out being able to spend a week off with you. He will end up taking his own week off heading somewhere else that you won't be a part of. You're married. Spend your time together. You're not wrong wanting to spend your time alone with your friends. He's not wrong wanting to spend the time with you. Negotiate this out. You or he shouldn't win. The answer is somewhere in the middle. Maybe he goes and you spend a day or so with you're friends by yourself while he site-sees. Work it out - life's too short. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted August 12, 2017 Share Posted August 12, 2017 I read your other thread. He's a violent bully. Take a permanent vacation from him. If this is true - I agree. Your desire to take solo trips may be you messenging yourself to be away from him. We are all different, but I think if he was enjoyable to be with, we wouldn't be discussing this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xenawarriorprincess Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 You're married. Spend your time together. You're not wrong wanting to spend your time alone with your friends. He's not wrong wanting to spend the time with you. Negotiate this out. You or he shouldn't win. The answer is somewhere in the middle. Maybe he goes and you spend a day or so with you're friends by yourself while he site-sees. Work it out - life's too short. I was thinking the same thing. If it were me, I'd invite my husband to come along and I would spend half of the trip with friends and the other half with my husband. This seems like the best option. This seems like a win win to me, unless this issue isn't really about you wanting some alone time or him really wanting couple time. If this is about a power dynamic or if there has been a history of infidelity that he is concerned about, then I don't know how you would be able to compromise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 I read your other thread. He's a violent bully. Take a permanent vacation from him. What is he doing to remedy his anger management issues? If he's verbally and emotionally abusive 2 months into marriage, it's on,y a (short) matter of time before it escalates into physical abuse, unless he is extremely proactive about fixing himself So he's abusive, plus controlling, plus an unmotivated part-time working mooch. I agree with some other posters - I would take a permanent vacation. You can do way better! And in the meantime, being single would be way better for your mental and emotional health. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 13, 2017 Share Posted August 13, 2017 I honestly think travelling is the least of your worries at the moment (and this is coming from someone who loves travel!). Why is your husband only "barely working part time"? How long has this been going on for? Are you okay with being the main breadwinner? I think it's perfectly normal and healthy for couples to travel separately occasionally, especially if one party is unable to join the other. But in your case I do agree with the others that you might be using this as a form of escape in a crumbling relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 Hi Samara, after reading your first post and before reading that of others, especially dOnnivain's where she said your husband was a violent bully, my first thought was "Why is the OP married to this man"? The thing is your husband is a lazy b... and if you are the principal earner, then you have every right to decide what to do with your time and money all the more because of his selfish parasitic nature. You said you were a loner, well then how did you end up marrying a loser like this guy? I guess you have to give us some answers here before you can get any useful input from the folks on here. Just for the record, I and my wife, have on occasion, travelled alone because circumstances dictated so. My wife is and has been a SAHM/W all our married lives. We do like to travel together and usually do but life does'nt always play out that way. To my mind there are issues much larger than just the simple fact of your travelling alone to be with your friends. I think it may be time for IC for both of you to figure out your issues and then come to a decision as to whether you two are compatible mates who can make a go of marriage. Your marriage seems very one sided to me and such an arrangement is doomed to failure. By the way, if I may ask, how old are you and how old is your husband? Do you have children or do you plan on having children? What are your husband's long term plans? Does he want to get into fulltime employment and is he qualified for it or does he have to study/ do courses to further his qualifications for better full time employment? Why have you planned on going back to grad school? Is your current job low level, underpaying or unsuitable for you in the long run? Answers to some of these questions will be helpful in giving you some useful answers. You have a lot on your plate. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 This situation is emblematic of your husband's need to control you by any means. Typically, I would ask you to compromise but your husband is abusive and you don't try to placate abusers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 If I knew my husband disapproved ... I would honor his wishes...but that's me. To me marriage is a partnership...that we both agreed to always put the other one first. Which to me means..I put his wants and needs before my own. That is unconditional unselfish love. In exchange for my unselfish love... he also loves me unselfishly. This trip is selfish in his eyes... and his not wanting you to go is selfish in your eyes. Now ... the real issue becomes... do I have my spouses best interest at heart... or am I putting my own wants and needs first... There is a time and a place for compromise... and compromise does not mean you come to see it my way... it means coming to an agreement that satisfies both of you And only the two of you know the right answer My fear is this trip is just an example of what this entire relationship is about ... Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 Based on the whole of your husband's behavior....this is not a you issue or a you problem. He is just...a crappy person. I'm with Betty Draper on this; I don't placate abusers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 15, 2017 Share Posted August 15, 2017 If I knew my husband disapproved ... I would honor his wishes...but that's me. To me marriage is a partnership...that we both agreed to always put the other one first. Which to me means..I put his wants and needs before my own. That is unconditional unselfish love. In exchange for my unselfish love... he also loves me unselfishly. This trip is selfish in his eyes... and his not wanting you to go is selfish in your eyes. Now ... the real issue becomes... do I have my spouses best interest at heart... or am I putting my own wants and needs first... There is a time and a place for compromise... and compromise does not mean you come to see it my way... it means coming to an agreement that satisfies both of you And only the two of you know the right answer My fear is this trip is just an example of what this entire relationship is about ... I agree with putting a spouse first in most cases. However, if you look at the OP's other threads you will see that her husband is abusive. Making an abusive spouse the top priority is ill advised. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 If it works for your parents great. You grew up with this and I'm guessing your husband didn't. It might be just the way he was brought up that couples take vacations together. Did the two of you discuss this before marriage? Another reason he is acting this way might be him thinking you are not being faithful to he. That the reason you want to travel back home with out him is so you can see someone else. He can't come right out and accuse you of cheating but still shows anger. Why is he only working part time? Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 16, 2017 Share Posted August 16, 2017 Machine gunning thoughts here in no particular order. First, is it possible that his dismay about your planned solo trip is because he won't have you to take care of him while you are gone? I rather doubt that you want to hire a nanny for him while you are gone. Second, is he a paranoid jealousy freak? My wife travels every year with a group of girlfriends. And as I am writing this is at our resort community house with one of them. Third, I don't know the laws of Colorado, but some states have a hard and fast alimony after X years of marriage if there is disparity in income or potential in income. Others skip the years of marriage mandate and focus of the income/potential income factors. I suggest a legal consult with a real Colorado lawyer to educate yourself in this area. You don't want to be his meal ticket in perpetuity. Kids in the picture? Don't kid yourself that children will magically make him learn what the word ambition means or that he will suddenly comprehend that household tasks need to be done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Hi Samara, we have not heard anything from you in the last few days. Were you serious in posting about your dilemma? If so then you have to address some of the points raised by folks on here if you want to get some useful answers. By avoiding answering or addressing these points/ questions upfront you give the impression you are shying away from the problem at hand. My experience on this forum has been that folks come on here and pose a question dealing with a miniscule part of their relationship whereas the nine tenths of the iceberg remains hidden. How can one expect a reasonable answer unless one give a holistic picture of their relationship? The folks on here have nothing really, to base their responses on and so shoot blunder buses in all directions amounting to a situation of the blind leading the blind. If you want genuine answers then give us the full facts. You will get meaningful answers then. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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