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Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts


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Old 14th August 2017, 2:23 PM   #31
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What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?
God I want to know that answer so badly...I can't stand not knowing!!
My honest answer is that I DON'T KNOW what led me to have an affair! It wasn't for the thrill. I've had (as we all have) MANY MANY opportunities to cheat. (I work with a lot of women) I never considered cheating before my xAP. I was very careful knowing where that line was, when I had a friend that happened to be a girl. I knew how to keep myself out of bad situations...and I did just that. I wasn't looking for any "strange." I was happy in my marriage...both emotionally...and sexually. Intellectually too. My friendship with my xAP was a strong connection in the beginning... It was just a very strong connection that we both noticed. It took years for anything to happen between us...and that's another story. I just remember driving down the road in my car... My wife sitting next to me... This song comes on the radio...and I just suddenly got bitch-slapped upside the head with the sudden realization of "...OMG...I'm in love with xyz..!!!"
If I was to guess what led me to the affair and allowed myself to "go there." My own self insecurities. There is something missing in me that I found in my xAP. :/ Perhaps that's just an excuse I've convinced myself of though.


Of course...once I found myself in the throes of my A.....I was at the time able to come up with MANY reasons why I was in an affair and selfishly justify my actions. Cause you know,....every thief can justify why they steal. Just like I was justifying why I was in an adulteress relationship with a MW. Now that I'm out of the A....I see that I was just making stuff up to make myself (and my AP) feel validated for having an A. If I wasn't making stuff up (problems in my marriage) I would over inflate the little things.... I would exaggerate them....cause that would, you know, ...explain everything/justify.....right???!!! #HellNo
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Old 14th August 2017, 3:09 PM   #32
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First of all deadsoul...I have spent ALL morning catching up on your story. I am now at the top of p.43. I have meetings this afternoon...so I'm trying to get through your thread. I gotta let you know...your journey is bringing me a lot of emotions and thoughts. I had to stop a few times because it was getting emotional for me. It was hitting home. (btw..i do cry at funerals...hell, I cry watching hallmark commercials during the holidays...but I don't cry when I'm angry.)




How are you sure that the A won't happen again:
Now that I am out of the "fog"....I can step back from all of the emotion, excitement/etc... I look back and see that I wasn't "happy" with my AP. In fact,...I was frinkin' miserable!! I was miserable when I wasn't with her. I was miserable when she was with her husband doing "family" things.. I was miserable when I was doing things with my family...knowing it was making AP miserable. I was miserable when I couldn't be with her. I was even miserable when I was WITH her...because I was already dreading when I'd have to leave her side. I was miserable in the fact I was actually having an "affair".... I didn't want to be that guy. That guy that has an "affair." I was miserable that I was 1/2 responsible for the reason SHE was an adulteress. I was sad I was the reason. Neither one of us were happy that we were in a full scale affair....but we thought we were soul mates....and we couldn't ignore that.. For 2.5 years!! Now, that I've stepped back....I see that I was miserable. I didn't like cheating on my wife. I didn't like hurting her. She didn't deserve to be treated with so much disrespect. I knew that during the A....and that too made me miserable.
I also strongly believe that my xAP does NOT want to relive any of the above either.


Do you still have strong feelings for your AP and how do you deal with them?
Thank you for your question on this. This board has done a lot in making me self reflect on a lot of things. I think I'll always carry some sort of "love" in my heart for her. But you know what...?? Ask me the same question regarding my very first love.... Guess what? I carry some feeling for her as well. And my 2nd love...? Same. 3rd... Yep. So, if I am to be honest...I do have strong feelings for my xAP. But what I need to do is "define" what those feelings are exactly. They might just be a fondness of the memories we shared. What I don't believe they are anymore though... I don't believe she is or was my soul-mate. I don't love her like that. Not anymore. And if it's not "anymore"....doesn't that beg the question of "was it ever??" If you love someone....do you ever really fall completely OUT of love? I'm not sure you do?? I mean,...I just think perhaps that "love" takes a different shade of color. I care what happens to her....I HOPE she's with someone and that she's very very happy. I wish her all the best...so that means I have strong feelings for her....yes? When I think of the "love" I harbor for my wife.... It doesn't COMPARE to how I feel for xAP. The love I have with my wife has sustained 19 years... I don't think the same would be true with my xAP had we built a life together as a couple out in the open.


So I guess I deal with the feelings for her by defining that "love"...by categorizing them. Although I may have feelings of love....I don't confuse these feelings of love with deep romantic "spouse Love." I'm recognizing my love of xAP is tied to "Ludus" love....or "Agape" love....as described by the ancient Greeks. So what I'm very poorly saying is; there is not one level or threshold of love. There are layers...and types. I'm not bothered that I have love for xAP...because I don't label this love the same way I love my wife. It's very different.
BTW....this realization I explained above is NEW!! I'm just working this through! But it's true.




How does this affect R with your wife?
It makes me count my blessings!!! It motivates me to give her the man she deserves.... To be that man I want my son to grow up and be. I feel like I narrowly escaped what could have been the biggest mistake in my life....had I left my wife.


One of my big struggles has been how can I be all in with R if I still harbor feelings for OM?
Going back to the 6-degrees of love. Don't confuse "Agape" love with the REAL thing.
Here is a fallacy: "...All pigs like mud...therefore anything that likes mud is a pig..." <--FALSE that's a Fallacy!!
Here's another Fallacy: "...I have strong feelings (love) for another man...therefore it's impossible that I carry TRUE love for my partner..."






What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?
God I want to know that answer so badly...I can't stand not knowing!!
My honest answer is that I DON'T KNOW what led me to have an affair! It wasn't for the thrill. I've had (as we all have) MANY MANY opportunities to cheat. (I work with a lot of women) I never considered cheating before my xAP. I was very careful knowing where that line was, when I had a friend that happened to be a girl. I knew how to keep myself out of bad situations...and I did just that. I wasn't looking for any "strange." I was happy in my marriage...both emotionally...and sexually. Intellectually too. My friendship with my xAP was a strong connection in the beginning... It was just a very strong connection that we both noticed. It took years for anything to happen between us...and that's another story. I just remember driving down the road in my car... My wife sitting next to me... This song comes on the radio...and I just suddenly got bitch-slapped upside the head with the sudden realization of "...OMG...I'm in love with xyz..!!!"
If I was to guess what led me to the affair and allowed myself to "go there." My own self insecurities. There is something missing in me that I found in my xAP. :/ Perhaps that's just an excuse I've convinced myself of though.

I read your post with interest. I am a fMW. I ghosted my xMM in total exasperation, after multiple break-ups, some him, some me. He had told me he needed "time" again, to deal with his wife, who was sad over their impending separation. It was a constant hot and cold play, always pushing and pulling. I was just tired of it, as much as I loved him at the time. I was one of those that knew it was my only way out. It was the hardest thing I had ever done...of my own choosing. Probably the other hardest things were when HE dumped me.

I am curious about your description of agape love for your MW. Supposedly agape love is the highest form of love, charitable and sacrificial. It is also considered the type of love God has for man and vice versa. I would be surprised to learn of affairs described as having agape love. Eros love, yes. Maybe philia love after the fact. But agape love? If I was your wife, I might be upset to find out you felt such a high form of love for your xMW.

Affairs are usually self-seeking and self-centered. Even if we sacrifice ourselves for the AP for a time, it is full of anxiety and stress and highs and lows, making us totally focused on self and fulfilling our needs and desires. Even if we think we are focused on fulfilling our AP's wants or needs, there is certainly one person who is totally left out in the cold - the very person whose needs and desires we promised to fulfill for life. Our spouse.

You also said that you never really fall out of love with those you once loved, and I disagree with that. I look back on former loves and know that I am not in love with them at all. I might have fond memories, but that's as far as it goes. I can't tell if you are rationalizing current feelings for your AP, or if we just using different terminology.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. They are appreciated. Do know that your xMW likely struggled greatly with walking away. She probably did it to protect herself.
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Old 14th August 2017, 3:21 PM   #33
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Thank you for your perspective Pheonix.
My compilation of notes were written over many many months.... So at the time I wrote about my lack of engagement with my wife on FB...it was accurate. As of today...I do engage my wife on FB.


I can understand how one might think I want my AP to return with the intention to continue. I can honestly say that's not where I am...albeit I understand it might not appear that way. But I really really don't want to begin again.
As you mentioned you will not disclose to protect your AP .

Have you considered this ?

When the head of the family loyalty shifts to a person outside of his marriage what chance does the family have to build back .the family would just break down further ...

Your wife may not question and move forward with you ...but it will always be there at the back of her mind it may build resentment towards you .that again would not be good for the family .

After your action...you are leaving your family in a limbo moving forward with out answers .
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Old 14th August 2017, 3:35 PM   #34
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I read your post with interest. I am a fMW. I ghosted my xMM in total exasperation, after multiple break-ups, some him, some me. He had told me he needed "time" again, to deal with his wife, who was sad over their impending separation. It was a constant hot and cold play, always pushing and pulling. I was just tired of it, as much as I loved him at the time. I was one of those that knew it was my only way out. It was the hardest thing I had ever done...of my own choosing. Probably the other hardest things were when HE dumped me.

I am curious about your description of agape love for your MW. Supposedly agape love is the highest form of love, charitable and sacrificial. It is also considered the type of love God has for man and vice versa. I would be surprised to learn of affairs described as having agape love. Eros love, yes. Maybe philia love after the fact. But agape love? If I was your wife, I might be upset to find out you felt such a high form of love for your xMW.

Affairs are usually self-seeking and self-centered. Even if we sacrifice ourselves for the AP for a time, it is full of anxiety and stress and highs and lows, making us totally focused on self and fulfilling our needs and desires. Even if we think we are focused on fulfilling our AP's wants or needs, there is certainly one person who is totally left out in the cold - the very person whose needs and desires we promised to fulfill for life. Our spouse.

You also said that you never really fall out of love with those you once loved, and I disagree with that. I look back on former loves and know that I am not in love with them at all. I might have fond memories, but that's as far as it goes. I can't tell if you are rationalizing current feelings for your AP, or if we just using different terminology.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. They are appreciated. Do know that your xMW likely struggled greatly with walking away. She probably did it to protect herself.


Hi...
Thank you for your post... I have more to reply with regarding your experience...and your perspective. Resonates with me a lot!! I might not be able to get back on until Wednesday or so....but I wanted to chime in real quick to address a couple things.


I'm sorry...I didn't mean to imply that once you fall in love...you'll always be in love with that person... What I was meaning was that it's possible to love someone from your past....but now just in a different way. I agree with you... It's very possible and likely you can, and will, fall out of love with someone in your past.


Let me clarify what I had as a definition of Agape-Love.
I read/studied it as.....a type of love that you extend to all people...whether family or strangers. So platonic of sorts? If it's deeper than that...then I misspoke and just displaying my ignorance of my Greek. I had it as.....
4. Agape, or love for everyone
The fourth love, and perhaps the most radical, was agape or selfless love. This was a love that you extended to all people, whether family members or distant strangers.
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Old 14th August 2017, 4:14 PM   #35
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Hi Jemima...
Yes.... I do love my wife.


During the A...the sex stopped with my wife in time. It was because I was "so stressed from my high pressured job.." "I'm so exhausted" "I'm angry with you..." "...we're not in a good place..." Whatever lie/story/reason I could come up with to avoid sex. Just writing this response is making me have a physical reaction like I want to throw-up. How ironic it is,...that I avoided sex with my WIFE....because I didn't want to CHEAT on my AP. How frickiin' TWISTED is that...????


"Is It Better Now." Yes... It is better now. Sex occurs a steady 2-3 times a week.


Before the "haters" and "buzzards" chime in to confirm my demented action(s)... I'll preface you by saying "you are RIGHT." I'm not here to deny any culpability... I own it... I own it all.....
Thank you for your honest answers. As an xOW I can't help but get angry at your answers. Did my MM hurt me this much then Throw himself back into his marriage?! Is he having sex 3 times a week now?! And if your marriage is so good you can't possibly still have feelings for Ow!!!

Sorry just letting off steam
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Old 14th August 2017, 5:20 PM   #36
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Thank you. You and Southern Sun gave me some perspective on this whole situation that hadn't occurred to me to think about before.

One thing I realized I was getting over was my ego being hurt from being rejected the way I was. Truly, he was doing me a favor. I wanted out. I was trying to get out. But I'd end up right back into it. I hated him for awhile. But then by doing that, I still had feelings for him, even if they were hate. I'm working toward getting to the state of if I ever saw him again, I'd thank him (in my head only, of course I'm going to stay no contact). But I'd thank him for the lessons I learned from the experience. I feel like that's a better place to be than hate or love. This horrible thing that I did for so long taught me a lot of life lessons that I will hold on to for the rest of my life. I'm not quite at that state of mind yet, I still punish myself, but part of learning to love myself is learning how to forgive myself and learn from my mistakes.

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Originally Posted by Back2Good View Post
First of all deadsoul...I have spent ALL morning catching up on your story. I am now at the top of p.43. I have meetings this afternoon...so I'm trying to get through your thread. I gotta let you know...your journey is bringing me a lot of emotions and thoughts. I had to stop a few times because it was getting emotional for me. It was hitting home. (btw..i do cry at funerals...hell, I cry watching hallmark commercials during the holidays...but I don't cry when I'm angry.)




How are you sure that the A won't happen again:
Now that I am out of the "fog"....I can step back from all of the emotion, excitement/etc... I look back and see that I wasn't "happy" with my AP. In fact,...I was frinkin' miserable!! I was miserable when I wasn't with her. I was miserable when she was with her husband doing "family" things.. I was miserable when I was doing things with my family...knowing it was making AP miserable. I was miserable when I couldn't be with her. I was even miserable when I was WITH her...because I was already dreading when I'd have to leave her side. I was miserable in the fact I was actually having an "affair".... I didn't want to be that guy. That guy that has an "affair." I was miserable that I was 1/2 responsible for the reason SHE was an adulteress. I was sad I was the reason. Neither one of us were happy that we were in a full scale affair....but we thought we were soul mates....and we couldn't ignore that.. For 2.5 years!! Now, that I've stepped back....I see that I was miserable. I didn't like cheating on my wife. I didn't like hurting her. She didn't deserve to be treated with so much disrespect. I knew that during the A....and that too made me miserable.
I also strongly believe that my xAP does NOT want to relive any of the above either.


Do you still have strong feelings for your AP and how do you deal with them?
Thank you for your question on this. This board has done a lot in making me self reflect on a lot of things. I think I'll always carry some sort of "love" in my heart for her. But you know what...?? Ask me the same question regarding my very first love.... Guess what? I carry some feeling for her as well. And my 2nd love...? Same. 3rd... Yep. So, if I am to be honest...I do have strong feelings for my xAP. But what I need to do is "define" what those feelings are exactly. They might just be a fondness of the memories we shared. What I don't believe they are anymore though... I don't believe she is or was my soul-mate. I don't love her like that. Not anymore. And if it's not "anymore"....doesn't that beg the question of "was it ever??" If you love someone....do you ever really fall completely OUT of love? I'm not sure you do?? I mean,...I just think perhaps that "love" takes a different shade of color. I care what happens to her....I HOPE she's with someone and that she's very very happy. I wish her all the best...so that means I have strong feelings for her....yes? When I think of the "love" I harbor for my wife.... It doesn't COMPARE to how I feel for xAP. The love I have with my wife has sustained 19 years... I don't think the same would be true with my xAP had we built a life together as a couple out in the open.


So I guess I deal with the feelings for her by defining that "love"...by categorizing them. Although I may have feelings of love....I don't confuse these feelings of love with deep romantic "spouse Love." I'm recognizing my love of xAP is tied to "Ludus" love....or "Agape" love....as described by the ancient Greeks. So what I'm very poorly saying is; there is not one level or threshold of love. There are layers...and types. I'm not bothered that I have love for xAP...because I don't label this love the same way I love my wife. It's very different.
BTW....this realization I explained above is NEW!! I'm just working this through! But it's true.




How does this affect R with your wife?
It makes me count my blessings!!! It motivates me to give her the man she deserves.... To be that man I want my son to grow up and be. I feel like I narrowly escaped what could have been the biggest mistake in my life....had I left my wife.


One of my big struggles has been how can I be all in with R if I still harbor feelings for OM?
Going back to the 6-degrees of love. Don't confuse "Agape" love with the REAL thing.
Here is a fallacy: "...All pigs like mud...therefore anything that likes mud is a pig..." <--FALSE that's a Fallacy!!
Here's another Fallacy: "...I have strong feelings (love) for another man...therefore it's impossible that I carry TRUE love for my partner..."






What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?
God I want to know that answer so badly...I can't stand not knowing!!
My honest answer is that I DON'T KNOW what led me to have an affair! It wasn't for the thrill. I've had (as we all have) MANY MANY opportunities to cheat. (I work with a lot of women) I never considered cheating before my xAP. I was very careful knowing where that line was, when I had a friend that happened to be a girl. I knew how to keep myself out of bad situations...and I did just that. I wasn't looking for any "strange." I was happy in my marriage...both emotionally...and sexually. Intellectually too. My friendship with my xAP was a strong connection in the beginning... It was just a very strong connection that we both noticed. It took years for anything to happen between us...and that's another story. I just remember driving down the road in my car... My wife sitting next to me... This song comes on the radio...and I just suddenly got bitch-slapped upside the head with the sudden realization of "...OMG...I'm in love with xyz..!!!"
If I was to guess what led me to the affair and allowed myself to "go there." My own self insecurities. There is something missing in me that I found in my xAP. :/ Perhaps that's just an excuse I've convinced myself of though.
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Old 17th August 2017, 10:39 AM   #37
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Interesting how the exMM now views his affair and his ex AP. As an exOW, I may have dressed sexy for my AP but I never wanted attention from any other man, ONLY him. I dedicated myself to him, his life, helped him in any way I possibly could, never allowed him to spend money on me (only meet at our homes and vehicles), dedicated all my attention and affection on him, was at his beck and call, fulfilled fantasies for him that I would never do for any other man, and he was the ONLY man I have ever loved.
You can trash your AP in your mind and tell yourself how much happier you are now that the affair is over but your AP loved you and gave 100% of her love to you. You hurt your AP more than your wife. Your wife may have been hurt but your AP you threw out like garbage. You destroyed her and any faith she ever had in men.
It hurts me to no end when I read how naive a man is when he sas how his wife stayed with him through it all and how she forgave him. Your AP would have done the same. You just never gave her the chance!!!
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Old 19th August 2017, 10:27 PM   #38
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Interesting how the exMM now views his affair and his ex AP. As an exOW, I may have dressed sexy for my AP but I never wanted attention from any other man, ONLY him. I dedicated myself to him, his life, helped him in any way I possibly could, never allowed him to spend money on me (only meet at our homes and vehicles), dedicated all my attention and affection on him, was at his beck and call, fulfilled fantasies for him that I would never do for any other man, and he was the ONLY man I have ever loved.
You can trash your AP in your mind and tell yourself how much happier you are now that the affair is over but your AP loved you and gave 100% of her love to you. You hurt your AP more than your wife. Your wife may have been hurt but your AP you threw out like garbage. You destroyed her and any faith she ever had in men.
It hurts me to no end when I read how naive a man is when he sas how his wife stayed with him through it all and how she forgave him. Your AP would have done the same. You just never gave her the chance!!!
There are many victims in this story - the obvious ones being the wife and the OW, but I cannot accept that the OP hurt the AP more than the wife. If she is a victim, then she is 50% responsible for this because she knowingly entered into a relationship with a married man and tried to poach him from his wife behind her back. The wife, on the other hand, is a completely innocent party in this who was kept in the dark and never tried to hurt anyone. If the OW "has lost all faith in men" then this would be partly understandable. But perhaps when she fully examines her own actions she will lose all faith in (other) women too. If she had picked a guy without a ring on his finger, perhaps she would have been spared all this very predictable pain.

I wonder if she had "won" how much sympathy she really would have had for the wife? I suspect the wife would play very little part in her thoughts, except maybe as an annoying, inconvenient obstacle to be got rid of.

If you play this game, you are playing with fire and it shouldn't come as too much surprise if you end up getting burned.

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Old 20th August 2017, 12:18 AM   #39
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There are many victims in this story - the obvious ones being the wife and the OW, but I cannot accept that the OP hurt the AP more than the wife. If she is a victim, then she is 50% responsible for this because she knowingly entered into a relationship with a married man and tried to poach him from his wife behind her back. The wife, on the other hand, is a completely innocent party in this who was kept in the dark and never tried to hurt anyone. If the OW "has lost all faith in men" then this would be partly understandable. But perhaps when she fully examines her own actions she will lose all faith in (other) women too. If she had picked a guy without a ring on his finger, perhaps she would have been spared all this very predictable pain.

I wonder if she had "won" how much sympathy she really would have had for the wife? I suspect the wife would play very little part in her thoughts, except maybe as an annoying, inconvenient obstacle to be got rid of.

If you play this game, you are playing with fire and it shouldn't come as too much surprise if you end up getting burned.
Jenkins, I can see both your point and Ahurtgirl's point as well. Speaking from the vantage point of an xOW, I know very well that I was 50% complicit in what happened and I would never try to compare my pain to his wife's pain (or the pain she might have had if he had told her). But I think there is some truth to Ahurtgirl's statement about feeling as though one has been thrown out like so much garbage. I felt that way myself.

You see, while the wife is the completely innocent victim and I would never argue otherwise, I think there is a unique pain that the OW experiences that the wife does not. When a MM returns for reconciliation, the wife sees that, despite the betrayal and pain, the MM loves and respects her and the marriage enough to not only stay but to rebuild and recommit amid a difficult and painful time. The OW, on the other hand, is left behind -- often suddenly and without any input. While 50% complicit, she has no rebuilding, no love, no respect. And the result is that the OW feels like she's been thrown out like trash. Personally, it made me feel like I was nothing, a feeling that was compounded by my own feelings of guilt and shame.

And, yes, before anyone jumps on me about this -- I know that I was complicit in making myself feel like nothing. But so was the xMM. He used me as a diversion and a happy place at a time when he was feeling confused and lonely and unhappy. There is a unique type of pain felt when one is used for a purpose and then discarded once that purpose is over. And that soul-sucking pain is felt by the OW not the wife.

As a side note, some of your word choices perpetuate the myth of the evil seductress OW: "poaching", "picking a guy (with a ring on his finger)", the OW viewing the wife as an "annoying, inconvenient obstacle". While I'm sure this happens, the vast majority of the OW on this forum (and the MM too) are people who found themselves in a difficult, tempting situation and made some very bad, unethical choices. That doesn't excuse their actions, but the OW are more often desperately in love/infatuation and not actively looking to "poach" a man.

Last edited by FoundMyStrength; 20th August 2017 at 12:27 AM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 5:31 AM   #40
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Not sure how it would feel to be the BS. Married to somebody for many years then finding out in a second that you didn't really know that person.

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Old 20th August 2017, 6:10 AM   #41
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Jenkins, I can see both your point and Ahurtgirl's point as well. Speaking from the vantage point of an xOW, I know very well that I was 50% complicit in what happened and I would never try to compare my pain to his wife's pain (or the pain she might have had if he had told her). But I think there is some truth to Ahurtgirl's statement about feeling as though one has been thrown out like so much garbage. I felt that way myself.

You see, while the wife is the completely innocent victim and I would never argue otherwise, I think there is a unique pain that the OW experiences that the wife does not. When a MM returns for reconciliation, the wife sees that, despite the betrayal and pain, the MM loves and respects her and the marriage enough to not only stay but to rebuild and recommit amid a difficult and painful time. The OW, on the other hand, is left behind -- often suddenly and without any input. While 50% complicit, she has no rebuilding, no love, no respect. And the result is that the OW feels like she's been thrown out like trash. Personally, it made me feel like I was nothing, a feeling that was compounded by my own feelings of guilt and shame.

And, yes, before anyone jumps on me about this -- I know that I was complicit in making myself feel like nothing. But so was the xMM. He used me as a diversion and a happy place at a time when he was feeling confused and lonely and unhappy. There is a unique type of pain felt when one is used for a purpose and then discarded once that purpose is over. And that soul-sucking pain is felt by the OW not the wife.

As a side note, some of your word choices perpetuate the myth of the evil seductress OW: "poaching", "picking a guy (with a ring on his finger)", the OW viewing the wife as an "annoying, inconvenient obstacle". While I'm sure this happens, the vast majority of the OW on this forum (and the MM too) are people who found themselves in a difficult, tempting situation and made some very bad, unethical choices. That doesn't excuse their actions, but the OW are more often desperately in love/infatuation and not actively looking to "poach" a man.
Brilliantly insightful post FMS. Thank you so much for taking the time to explain from the OW perspective, and I can see so clearly the unique, devastating pain that the OW experiences.

I think all our different viewpoints just illustrate what a bad idea affairs are all round. I mean, we all end up hurting and changed forever. I am an xMM and I am still on LS two years after the end of the A.

Sorry for use of words like "poach". It's unfair and not usually my style! I think I was in a bad mood last night.... And a couple of glasses of wine didn't help!

It must be awful to feel you've been put out like the trash. One of the cruellest aspects of affairs is that generally, on d-day, the MM/MW is forced to make an immediate decision. It is completely understandable that the BS would demand immediate and complete NC, although I'm sure the MM/MW would prefer to end the A much more kindly than this, even if they remain to stay in the M. They are simply forced into survival mode.

We took months to end our A, we discussed everything many times and tried to support each other. I explained in great length why I couldn't leave my marriage. While this was the most excruciating, stressful, painful time, I hope at least that my xOW doesn't think that she was simply thrown under the bus, but that our situation was just impossible.

However it ends, we all end up hurting, except perhaps some narcissistic MM (players and cake eaters) who seem to move on immediately. I (and several other MM posters on here) definitely do not fit into that category.

Good luck to you all.

Last edited by jenkins95; 20th August 2017 at 6:13 AM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 11:13 AM   #42
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Thank you for your honest answers. As an xOW I can't help but get angry at your answers. Did my MM hurt me this much then Throw himself back into his marriage?! Is he having sex 3 times a week now?! And if your marriage is so good you can't possibly still have feelings for Ow!!!

Sorry just letting off steam
I don't think that the above is necessarily true. Have you ever thought about someone's motives? To be posting on a message board a year after the affair is over with just to say I'm totally in love with my wife, I'm very happy and having sex many times a week?! Why still be talking about your A and your exOW if all this is true so long after the fact?

Think about it....
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Old 20th August 2017, 11:23 AM   #43
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I think all our different viewpoints just illustrate what a bad idea affairs are all round. I mean, we all end up hurting and changed forever. I am an xMM and I am still on LS two years after the end of the A.
Jenkins...

I wonder what your wife would think about this? You posting, talking about your A and your exOW even after all this time has passed?
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Old 20th August 2017, 11:40 AM   #44
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I don't think that the above is necessarily true. Have you ever thought about someone's motives? To be posting on a message board a year after the affair is over with just to say I'm totally in love with my wife, I'm very happy and having sex many times a week?! Why still be talking about your A and your exOW if all this is true so long after the fact?
When you start getting to the point where you won't believe a word anyone says, though, what's the point of communicating with them at all?

You know, maybe none of us are even having affairs. Maybe we all made them up because we're bored and like to entertain ourselves on the internet.
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Old 20th August 2017, 12:00 PM   #45
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Jenkins...

I wonder what your wife would think about this? You posting, talking about your A and your exOW even after all this time has passed?
I can't stop now, but will be back to answer this tomorrow!!!

Thanks (((TT))) x
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