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Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 28th September 2017, 11:53 AM   #241
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wmacbride:
I love this.... "...it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments..."
I want you to know,...I really appreciate your advice and insight. Your approach and encouragement to us WSs speaks volume of your character and ability to open your mind and see things from a different POV.
Thank you....
When it comes to a remorseful ws, one thing I have found is that they are already being really tough on themselves already. What good does adding to that really do?
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:59 PM   #242
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I know there are support groups for bs, but are there also ones for ws?

I'm asking, as while online advice and support can be great, sometimes getting it in person from people who know what you are going through can be really helpful.
Yeah, a Cheaters Anonymous would be good. I wonder if those things are out there. I'm lucky, I actually have two friends IRL I can talk to about this... one hasn't been through it, but the other has. But even then, that situation is completely different from mine, but it is nice to have people you can talk to about it. My friend who hasn't been through it as a wayward, has been through it as a betrayed and she has never once displaced that anger on me.
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Old 28th September 2017, 7:06 PM   #243
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I unfortunately find myself sometimes wanting to relive certain moments, days or nights from my A…. But I guess the silver lining is that now,….the desire to relive these moments are surrounded more around the sexual memories/experiences,….rather than the tender moments,….talks, and just simply being near her. I used to miss seemingly just her….and it wasn’t around the sex. Now,….. “she” is slipping away from my thoughts….but the sex isn’t. Maybe part of the process?? Maybe it’s progress??

I guess so. I don't have very many tender moments/talks... a few... but not many.

Yeah,..I saw that you took some heat. A lot of it unwarranted and not positive criticism. Some good stuff in there….but there were some Crows taking advantage. I also recall some said you started to change your tone once your H had the password to read your LS posts…. I didn’t see that happening at all…..

Yyeah, that's when I knew I had to close the thread, that it was done. I took a lot of heat when I confronted OM. I think I've said this before: I hate that I hurt H. It was a selfish act, but I'm glad I stood up for myself. Also, by doing that, I officially sealed the door that he won't contact me, so that's a good thing.

Your story,…as well as Jenkins…..really resonates with me…. And your current journey,….I’m incredibly relating to that…. And the concerns you have about yourself…..ones we’ve not discussed….but the ones I’m picking up on….. We share those too……
Hmm. Well, now you have me curious again. Do you do this on purpose? lol.

I'm still struggling. I sort of feel adrift right now and am not sure if this is part of the process or something else. I go see IC soon so I will talk about it then, but for now, I feel.... adrift... and maybe a bit withdrawn. Or maybe even a lot withdrawn. I have a feeling I'm protecting myself, but it's hindering R....
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Old 7th October 2017, 9:06 PM   #244
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Just checking in with you guys and wondering how are things? Things are the same for me. That's not a great thing, but it's not a bad thing either.
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Old 8th October 2017, 12:02 AM   #245
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Just checking in with you guys and wondering how are things? Things are the same for me. That's not a great thing, but it's not a bad thing either.
Same.....!!
Have been wondering how YOU are doing Soul.

Went to a college football game today. Guess what I thought about...???
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Old 8th October 2017, 12:51 PM   #246
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Uh... football?? ;-)

Listening to the Big Little Lies soundtrack. I'm really liking it. Little different from my normal music, but I really like the song Bloody Mother ****ing ******* a lot.

Did you get rid of the last of your stuff yet? No pressure, just wondering where you're at.

When the thoughts pop in my head, I've recently started asking myself, "What is it you are trying to avoid right now?" Because I'm realizing that escaping into those memories is me avoiding...And it's not me missing HIM anymore. It's me missing the feeling. So there's that. Is that progress?

Who knows. It's constantly a step forward, step back thing... but I know I'm inching forward slowly... so I hold on to that.
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Old 9th October 2017, 8:51 AM   #247
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Uh... football?? ;-)

Listening to the Big Little Lies soundtrack. I'm really liking it. Little different from my normal music, but I really like the song Bloody Mother ****ing ******* a lot.

Did you get rid of the last of your stuff yet? No pressure, just wondering where you're at.

When the thoughts pop in my head, I've recently started asking myself, "What is it you are trying to avoid right now?" Because I'm realizing that escaping into those memories is me avoiding...And it's not me missing HIM anymore. It's me missing the feeling. So there's that. Is that progress?

Who knows. It's constantly a step forward, step back thing... but I know I'm inching forward slowly... so I hold on to that.
I watched BLL!!....and can’t believe it’s only one season? (The single mom character is hot in a strange way!!) Now that GOT season is over…what to watch?
Okay…so I went and sampled some of the songs from BLL…. Very eclectic stuff…. The song you like… BMFAH…. That’s the high energy song she would always run to…yes? Kinda an angry song?
There was a cover of “Can’t Always Get What You Want” that was nicely done. Slowed down version…chick covering it. I remember liking it. So I just googled the lyrics to BMFAH. That’s some deep stuff going on there…. Are you relating Soul??...to that song??

Back to topic:
No. Sadly I haven’t gotten rid of the final stuff yet. (And I want you to pressure me on that btw…) I have saved Texts…..pics….lots of pics….. There’s a poem too. Copies of letters that I’ve written her… All of this is digital “stuff…” I’ve gotten rid of pretty much anything tangible she gave me. There is a box still in my office that held a gift she bought me for one of my birthdays. That needs to go. I have clothing too…. Just some shirts and stuff she bought me. Recon I should toss all that too… Although the shirts don’t trigger me…..much.
Speaking of Triggers… What are your strongest triggers Soul? Of him….that one that doesn’t deserve the time you spend remembering lingering thoughts. Me…. Songs. LOTS of songs…. But I’m working around that now. I listen to music constantly… It’s always on, whether in my house, my car….office. And we had a lot of songs that we “gave each other..” So those are triggers…but again,….working around that issue. Then I have the “anniversary of this happening” events. Those suck. I have a more annoying trigger though…. It’s my W. Yup…..my W. I can fix it,….so it won’t be a trigger….but it’s annoying AF. I just hate being weak… Not who I am. I can usually mentally power over stuff… “Get over it” was never an issue for me. Relationships I’ve had growing up…..even if I was “in love”….I was always able to just say; “…it’s done….move on….get over it…” I still remember them....and fondly....but so over it. Something disappointing happens in life….I was always able to size it up. “Can you fix this self…??....no…??....can you change anything about it….??....no..??....then move on….it is what it is….move on….” (but I really don’t talk to myself in the 3rd person..) I’ve moved on from xAP a lot…but I haven’t completely… and that frustrats me tremendously b/c I’m not in control of it. It’s not who I am. (ha….ironic….since I’m the selfish dumba** that strayed….cause I didn’t think I was that guy either….but I am…)

Yes!!! It’s COOSALL progress that it’s the “feelings” and not “him” you miss. I’m there with ya. So yes…we have progress….on that front. But those FEELINGS tho…..???!!!!!???!!! We need to slay that beast…!! And for me…..I AM that beast….

Keep inching forward Soul….. I’m behind you pushing you forward!!
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Old 9th October 2017, 12:48 PM   #248
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I watched BLL!!....and can’t believe it’s only one season? (The single mom character is hot in a strange way!!) Now that GOT season is over…what to watch?
Okay…so I went and sampled some of the songs from BLL…. Very eclectic stuff…. The song you like… BMFAH…. That’s the high energy song she would always run to…yes? Kinda an angry song?
There was a cover of “Can’t Always Get What You Want” that was nicely done. Slowed down version…chick covering it. I remember liking it. So I just googled the lyrics to BMFAH. That’s some deep stuff going on there…. Are you relating Soul??...to that song??

Yes. It lets me be angry instead of hurt.

Back to topic:
No. Sadly I haven’t gotten rid of the final stuff yet. (And I want you to pressure me on that btw…) I have saved Texts…..pics….lots of pics….. There’s a poem too. Copies of letters that I’ve written her… All of this is digital “stuff…” I’ve gotten rid of pretty much anything tangible she gave me. There is a box still in my office that held a gift she bought me for one of my birthdays. That needs to go. I have clothing too…. Just some shirts and stuff she bought me. Recon I should toss all that too… Although the shirts don’t trigger me…..much.
Speaking of Triggers… What are your strongest triggers Soul? Of him….that one that doesn’t deserve the time you spend remembering lingering thoughts. Me…. Songs. LOTS of songs…. But I’m working around that now. I listen to music constantly… It’s always on, whether in my house, my car….office. And we had a lot of songs that we “gave each other..” So those are triggers…but again,….working around that issue. Then I have the “anniversary of this happening” events. Those suck. I have a more annoying trigger though…. It’s my W. Yup…..my W. I can fix it,….so it won’t be a trigger….but it’s annoying AF. I just hate being weak… Not who I am. I can usually mentally power over stuff… “Get over it” was never an issue for me. Relationships I’ve had growing up…..even if I was “in love”….I was always able to just say; “…it’s done….move on….get over it…” I still remember them....and fondly....but so over it. Something disappointing happens in life….I was always able to size it up. “Can you fix this self…??....no…??....can you change anything about it….??....no..??....then move on….it is what it is….move on….” (but I really don’t talk to myself in the 3rd person..) I’ve moved on from xAP a lot…but I haven’t completely… and that frustrats me tremendously b/c I’m not in control of it. It’s not who I am. (ha….ironic….since I’m the selfish dumba** that strayed….cause I didn’t think I was that guy either….but I am…)

I don’t have all that stuff, just messages and some pictures. Songs don’t trigger me as much as “this time last year” dates. About to pass some big ones and I’m gearing up.

Yes!!! It’s COOSALL progress that it’s the “feelings” and not “him” you miss. I’m there with ya. So yes…we have progress….on that front. But those FEELINGS tho…..???!!!!!???!!! We need to slay that beast…!! And for me…..I AM that beast….

Keep inching forward Soul….. I’m behind you pushing you forward!!
Yeah. The feelings. Damn those things because it’s total limerence. I’ll write more later. I’m not at a computer so can’t write my normal novels.

Yes. You keep inching forward too. I need to ask you more about the W trigger and what exactly that is but I need to reread it when I’m at a computer. I’m blaming the phone.
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Old 9th October 2017, 1:30 PM   #249
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Yeah. The feelings. Damn those things because it’s total limerence. I’ll write more later. I’m not at a computer so can’t write my normal novels.

Yes. You keep inching forward too. I need to ask you more about the W trigger and what exactly that is but I need to reread it when I’m at a computer. I’m blaming the phone.
I actually thought it a bit peculiar and was surprised that you responded during mid-day hours during the week. But okie-dokie....I shall blame your phone too!!

Look it.....
Here’s some interesting tidbits I came across on Limerence:

“….In subject after subject, one part of the brain consistently lit up: the area that's rich in dopamine, the chemical that signals a reward and causes euphoria. It's the same area that's activated when you're on certain drugs, when you eat tasty food, or when you down a glass of water after a jog...”

"Getting dumped is like withdrawing from any drug of abuse……And what we know about trying to quit drugs is that you don't even want to see the drug…yet you crave it…." Sound familiar Soul??

“…Facebook, for this reason, can be a minefield. When a photo of your ex pops up on your News Feed, the reward loop has been activated…” Why I cut her from my “friends” group….

And here’s the BEST explanation for why limerence had such a powerful effect on our thoughts.
“…Each reminder of the thing you desire activates the brain's reward loop…” That damn dopamine!
So....each "reminder" triggers the chemicals within.....
Reminder=Trigger.

I’m a junky….and didn’t even know it!!
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Old 9th October 2017, 7:51 PM   #250
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"It’s my W. Yup…..my W. I can fix it,….so it won’t be a trigger….but it’s annoying AF. I just hate being weak"

Talk to me more about this. And you aren't weak. You really aren't. I know it feels like it, I feel the same. But you and I are stronger than we think. We are "weak" in the sense that we are avoiders and we avoid conflict and it's hard when we've done something for many, many years one way and we are trying to retrain our brains. So even though I feel weak at times, I know I'm not so neither are you.

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I actually thought it a bit peculiar and was surprised that you responded during mid-day hours during the week. But okie-dokie....I shall blame your phone too!!

Haha. Yeah, I don't generally get on during the day.
Look it.....
Here’s some interesting tidbits I came across on Limerence:

“….In subject after subject, one part of the brain consistently lit up: the area that's rich in dopamine, the chemical that signals a reward and causes euphoria. It's the same area that's activated when you're on certain drugs, when you eat tasty food, or when you down a glass of water after a jog...”

"Getting dumped is like withdrawing from any drug of abuse……And what we know about trying to quit drugs is that you don't even want to see the drug…yet you crave it…." Sound familiar Soul??

“…Facebook, for this reason, can be a minefield. When a photo of your ex pops up on your News Feed, the reward loop has been activated…” Why I cut her from my “friends” group….

And here’s the BEST explanation for why limerence had such a powerful effect on our thoughts.
“…Each reminder of the thing you desire activates the brain's reward loop…” That damn dopamine!
So....each "reminder" triggers the chemicals within.....
Reminder=Trigger.

I’m a junky….and didn’t even know it!!
I've compared my affair to what a drug addict experiences many, many times and I've also read the same article about the dopamine. And it completely makes sense. It's hard to think of our APs as heroin, but that's what they are. I've never done heroin (or anything more than weed for that matter and I didn't like it), but I imagine they tell themselves the same things we did: it's okay if we do this because we feel good. It's okay that we do this because no one knows, but us. I wrote this stuff!

AP told me once that what we were doing was okay because it made me happy and made me happier in my relationship.

Haha... the things one will say to get in your pants, and I bought it hook, line and sinker.

And when we get that "hit," it feels sooooo damn good. And we are sated for awhile. And we think we won't need it again. And then the guilt hits of what we are doing and we start feeling horrible, but pretty soon the need for the fix outweighs the guilt and feeling horrible. So we do it again.

My journal outlines the whole roller coaster ride through many cycles... and it is amazing when I read it now how much of it was a cycle and how I thought I was happy, but I really wasn't. There is nothing special about this guy, other than an extreme attraction that I didn't know what to do with.

He did not care one bit except getting his own needs met and stupid me got feelings. So that's on me.

Something else I'm realizing: I have an addictive personality and I obsess. So putting that together, it's no wonder why it's taking me so long to get over this crap.

You and I... I guess we just have to be patient with ourselves. I'm frustrated a lot, but I've noticed I can go such long periods through out the day without thinking about it, where before, it was CONSTANT, like that hum you mentioned. Except it was disruptive. Now it's fading and when I pay attention to it, it comes forward...

Another trigger for me: places. That one is hard. I need to associate different memories with those places. Or move to Egypt or something....

Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is very scattered this week.
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Old 9th October 2017, 9:16 PM   #251
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No....not all over the place at all.
I'll be back with more.....

Why is this a scattered week tho?
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Old 10th October 2017, 7:45 AM   #252
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I've compared my affair to what a drug addict experiences many, many times and I've also read the same article about the dopamine. And it completely makes sense. It's hard to think of our APs as heroin, but that's what they are. I've never done heroin (or anything more than weed for that matter and I didn't like it), but I imagine they tell themselves the same things we did: it's okay if we do this because we feel good. It's okay that we do this because no one knows, but us. I wrote this stuff!
And as an addict/alcoholic/addictive personality…..we have to be careful not to replace heroine with cocaine….


AP told me once that what we were doing was okay because it made me happy and made me happier in my relationship. Haha... the things one will say to get in your pants.
I said a bunch of crap like that too!! But for me, it wasn’t so much to get into her pants. It was more of ME trying to justify my actions (our actions) and clear my mind of any guilt she and/or I might be having. I was all BS….and I knew it even when I was spewing it. I guess I was hoping that if I said it enough….I’d actually start believing it. I think I did fool myself sometimes….but likely only during the times I actually was in her pants….

And when we get that "hit," it feels sooooo damn good. And we are sated for awhile. And we think we won't need it again. And then the guilt hits of what we are doing and we start feeling horrible, but pretty soon the need for the fix outweighs the guilt and feeling horrible. So we do it again.
Yes,….EXCATLY. And we do it again….and again……and again…….

My journal outlines the whole roller coaster ride through many cycles... and it is amazing when I read it now how much of it was a cycle and how I thought I was happy, but I really wasn't. There is nothing special about this guy, other than an extreme attraction that I didn't know what to do with.
I’d like to read your journal…. Why? Cause I’m nosey like that….to be honest. But also b/c it’d be interesting to see the similarities. I do remember though,…during the middle of the storm (affair) I thought I was happy….but now that the clouds have lifted and it’s quiet again….looking back,….it was the most miserable I’ve ever been. I felt so conflicted…it was torturous. I wasn’t happy at all.

He did not care one bit except getting his own needs met and stupid me got feelings. So that's on me.
So this “limerence” thing….. Reading up about it….it isn’t something that everyone experiences. So it makes me wonder and realize….she’s prolly not experiencing ANYTHING like I am. Maybe she goes days, weeks without me crossing her mind? TBH…I hope that’s true. I do hope she’s put our past out of her mind and heart. And I hope she wished the same for me.


Something else I'm realizing: I have an addictive personality and I obsess. So putting that together, it's no wonder why it's taking me so long to get over this crap.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before,….I too have an addictive personality. But I’ve known about it most of my life…. I could write a novel about this!!

Another trigger for me: places. That one is hard. I need to associate different memories with those places. Or move to Egypt or something....
Oh GOD…places!!! I am SOOO lucky I am able to avoid the “places” cause they would be powerful triggers… Starbucks is a trigger for me…a minor one….but I can’t go to a SB without recalling 100s of memories of her and I at a SB. The other places,….I can avoid. Most of them at least….
Do you think you’d like the weather in Egypt? I looked it up… You know they get less than an inch of rain a year? If you like rainstorms… Egypt might not be your place. The average highs range from 63 in the winter…to 93 in the summer. There is that Sphinx thing though… That’d be cool to see. I wonder if they have Starbucks in Egypt?


It's hard when we've done something for many, many years one way and we are trying to retrain our brains.
First question is: Do I even want to???????? The obvious answer is “yes”….but……


Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is very scattered this week.
You’re not all over the place at all…in fact it was beautiful. It’s nice to get a peek of what’s going on in your head… I don’t mean this in a mean/bad way…. But you are a bit guarded with some information. 1000% transparent in some regards….but also closed off in other ways. I am too though… Even for an anonymous MB….there are limits to things I’m comfortable broadcasting…

(any word from Jenkins?)
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Old 10th October 2017, 8:32 PM   #253
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You’re not all over the place at all…in fact it was beautiful. It’s nice to get a peek of what’s going on in your head… I don’t mean this in a mean/bad way…. But you are a bit guarded with some information. 1000% transparent in some regards….but also closed off in other ways. I am too though… Even for an anonymous MB….there are limits to things I’m comfortable broadcasting…

(any word from Jenkins?)
Oh you're good. Yes, you just described me to a tee. I am very transparent about some things... and the ugly parts that I don't want to deal with yet are very much closed off. Also, and I think I've said this before, you only know my side of this story. There's much more to it that I don't talk about because that involves talking about H and I won't do that. I am here because I had an A because I could not communicate my needs and assert myself. It's easy to say... well my H did this... so I did what I did. NO. Just no. My H has done some things, but I chose a really, really, really bad way to handle it all.

I will say this... I don't feel like I'm all-in for R. I want to be. I want to want it more than anything. But I'm not all-in and I think that's a pretty major thing. I'll have to read some old threads and I wish Jenkins would chime in here, but I'm very much in a limbo state and I'm confused about what I want. I'm even considering that maybe I really did have the A because I wanted out of my marriage. It's hard to write that, but I'm really scared that there's some truth to that and I'm not sure what to do with that. H kinda knows where I'm at, I've told him, but I also told him I'm not ready to give up on us and I want to keep trying. I don't think he fully gets my confusion... but that opens a whole other can that I just won't discuss here.

I just want to want to keep trying and some days, I just don't anymore and then the self-loathing starts again.... Not sure what to do with all this. Any advice? I KNOW I don't want OM and I don't want anyone else. If things don't work out with H, I want to be on my own until I'm in a way, way better place than I am now. I just don't know if this is a part of the "process" or if it's a sign. I want to learn how to live in the now and appreciate all the wonderful things in my life and stop focusing on what I don't have or what's missing.

Maybe my user name should be "Dazed and Confused"

Haha... my life is scattered every week. This is nothing new.
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Old 10th October 2017, 8:38 PM   #254
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"I’d like to read your journal…. Why? Cause I’m nosey like that….to be honest. But also b/c it’d be interesting to see the similarities. I do remember though,…during the middle of the storm (affair) I thought I was happy….but now that the clouds have lifted and it’s quiet again….looking back,….it was the most miserable I’ve ever been. I felt so conflicted…it was torturous. I wasn’t happy at all."

Ha! I'm nosy too. Big time. Yes, I thought I was happy too and I was for a few fleeting seconds... but then the guilt would set in.... and then the need would kick in... and OM would let me down in some way, but when his need kicked in, all of the sudden, I could get that feeling again.

I don't read my journals very often, but lately I've been doing it more because I'm entering some heavy trigger "anniversaries" and I need to remind myself that I was not happy AT ALL during that time and to get back in the real world.

Starbucks in Egypt... probably, those damn things are everywhere.
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Old 11th October 2017, 10:47 AM   #255
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Oh you're good. Yes, you just described me to a tee. I am very transparent about some things... and the ugly parts that I don't want to deal with yet are very much closed off. Also, and I think I've said this before, you only know my side of this story. There's much more to it that I don't talk about because that involves talking about H and I won't do that. I am here because I had an A because I could not communicate my needs and assert myself. It's easy to say... well my H did this... so I did what I did. NO. Just no. My H has done some things, but I chose a really, really, really bad way to handle it all.
Hmmmm…… Have me curious. As much as I’d like to know (nosey again) the “other side” of your background….I respect your desire to just deal with your own enemies… But if there is more to it,…I wouldn’t take it that you were attempting to justify your actions. You’ve owned up to your mistake…in a big major way. I admire you for that. My xAP’s H did some things as well,….things that I honestly believe that if he DIDN’T do,…then his W wouldn’t have sought out things and would not have engaged with me. Not saying she’s excused from her 3 year affair….but I do believe her H’s behavior was a factor. My wife has done some “things” too…. But nothing like my xAP’s H did to her….and most certainly nothing worthy of the poor choice I made.

I will say this... I don't feel like I'm all-in for R. I want to be. I want to want it more than anything. But I'm not all-in and I think that's a pretty major thing. I'll have to read some old threads and I wish Jenkins would chime in here, but I'm very much in a limbo state and I'm confused about what I want. I'm even considering that maybe I really did have the A because I wanted out of my marriage. It's hard to write that, but I'm really scared that there's some truth to that and I'm not sure what to do with that. H kinda knows where I'm at, I've told him, but I also told him I'm not ready to give up on us and I want to keep trying. I don't think he fully gets my confusion... but that opens a whole other can that I just won't discuss here.
This breaks my heart…but I was suspicious of this. Mostly b/c I once asked you if you had to do it all over again….would you marry H. Your answer was telling. What does your IC have to say about this? Soul,…is it perhaps because you haven’t forgiven yourself yet? You know,….you have to forgive yourself…before you can repair 100% of the damage and bridge those gaps. I know it’s been a year (in Nov)….but it’s ONLY been a year. You’ve beaten yourself up pretty badly….and I’m just wondering if you are still “unforgiven” in your own eyes… And if so,….you can’t make assumptions/conclusions/decisions….until your mind is 100% clear and free.


I just want to want to keep trying and some days, I just don't anymore and then the self-loathing starts again.... Not sure what to do with all this. Any advice? I KNOW I don't want OM and I don't want anyone else. If things don't work out with H, I want to be on my own until I'm in a way, way better place than I am now. I just don't know if this is a part of the "process" or if it's a sign. I want to learn how to live in the now and appreciate all the wonderful things in my life and stop focusing on what I don't have or what's missing.
Just don’t make any decisions and misinterpret anything as a false-sign. Hang in there….stay with IC and listen to your heart….Just like Roxette did!! (see what I did there?) I wonder if you might just be depressed from al l of this. I don’t mean clinically depressed….but just so exhausted and mentally down. I feel it weighs on your mind constantly…. Question: If you go back to before you’re A… And think about where you and H were…. Are you in a good place? Would you be happier alone? Just ask H to be patient…and remind him….you’re worth fighting for.

Maybe my user name should be "Dazed and Confused"
I think it should be WildSoul….

Haha... my life is scattered every week. This is nothing new.
Hang in there Soul… You are making great progress….and mostly because of your honesty about yourself. I wish I could be more like that. Look it…. It’s only been a year….11 months actually. I think once you break out of this limerance bull***t…..you’ll be wiser, stronger, prouder and an amazing wife. And you’ll be happy.
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