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Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts


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Old 11th August 2017, 11:21 AM   #1
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Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

Here’s my Reader’s Digest backstory.


The A lasted just over 2.5 years.
I was certain that our love was unlike anyone else’s inthe world…that it was a RARE kind of love reserved only for fairytales and movies.
I was certain that no one experienced the amazing kind of sex we enjoyed together. I was certain that we were soulmates…and no one REALLY knew what love was except for her and I. I was certain that we were special. I was even certain God approved of this affair because of how intense the love and passion was. I was certain that we were “different”and that ours was not an “affair” cause a regular affair was too low and dirty for what we had together. Yep…I wascertain of all of it. Today…. I am still certain…only now I am certain that our story really is no different than anyone else’s affair. It was wrong. God didn’t approve. We weren’t special.


It’s over now. And I have to say….I am glad it is. It needed to end.
But today….424 days since my last contact with her…I’mstill reeling in pain and my heart is still broken. I miss her badly.


I don’t know what my goal is posting to strangers on this board. I don’t know what I can accomplish. My best guess is it’s because I’ve not shared my story with anyone…and maybe just putting it out there will help me heal and move on…??? I would however like to share something that has helped me a bit...and maybe help others too.
When I’m feeling weak…I’ll open up this document I created and I will read my notes. It’s a compilation of notes I’ve written to myself. Some of it will make sense… Some of it won’t…. But it does help remind me, that I am indeed a very luck and fortunate man.
Still…. I miss her though…..
Oh….forgot to mention…she ghosted me. Her last words were “I miss you….I love you…talk to you soon…”


(my notes I started after she left…I add to my notes fromtime to time…)

  • Are you really in love…or just infatuated withher beauty?
  • Would I want to be married to me? No I wouldn’t. I’m disgusting to myself for selfishly carrying out this affair. Do I really want to marry her??...I don’t think so b/c I’m not sure I’d trust her.
  • "Do you think she's pretty…. I don't think she's pretty…" That was mean of her to say…
  • The 13 year age gap is a factor.
  • Advantage: No more late evenings getting home after work…..then maneuvering to avoid wife once back "house."
  • No more "sneak" texting….
  • I can enjoy the small "moments" and the Holidays again…. I can enjoy my time with my family…. Movies, dinners out… I don't have to avoid “moments" to protect AP any more…and me feeling guilty for hurting AP.
  • I am now better friends with my wife…..
  • I'm not acting suspicious anymore….thus hurting my wife….
  • I can enjoy sex again….with my wife….
  • I don't worry about AP missing me anymore...knowing she was wishing she was with me….which brought me pain and frustration…
  • Ensures my future with my kids….
  • Better off financially… (although I would havegiven it up for AP)
  • You KNEW this wouldn't happen all along…. Now deal with it….
  • No more sneaking out of town….. Lying about where you were going…. Sneaking off from work.
  • No more stealing money from your family…. (15k+ to fund the affair) Yes,…you were “stealing” as every nickel you spent on her for hotels, trips, flights, etc….is money you could have saved for kids college funds and/or retirement.. Who wants to be a thief? Not me…..
  • No more isolating my wife…. Pretending to watch late-night football games just so I can text AP. And telling my wife…"It's work"…
  • Do you realize it's been almost THREE (3) years since you've taken your wife out on a real date?
  • No more lame weak-ass excuses about not taking family trips….dates….etc…cause you knew it was painful to AP.
  • Think about how much better you feel driving"home" now….
  • Think about how much you've hurt your wife…. She's not stupid!! Misfired texts. Hiding my phone when typing "work"emails. Protected passwords. Think how BADLY you must have hurt her!!! You frickin’ DICK…you don'tdeserve her.
  • Think about how patient your wife has been with you. Emotionally closed her off for three (3) years…. What other spouses would stick around for that….much less make themselves still available….emotionally and physically.
  • What you've done to your wife is downright mean….cruel..!! Remember all the emails you ignored from her. All the texts you ignored. Still ignoring her on FB… When is THAT going to change?? Or are you too scared for AP to see it? You are…and that makes you a weak man.
  • Since you've been sorta "back"emotional with your wife….notice the difference in her eyes now…? There’s almost a spark?...like happiness? Whereas before….you could see turmoil, pain…confusion,…despair. Sadness. Made her cry, when she confronted you on "issues" and passwords. God you’re a dickhead.
  • If you were with AP full time…. You wouldn't behappy. You'd miss the kids. You'd be untrusting of AP. Her style of music would drive you crazy. Differences would start to surface…core differences. Honeymoonwould be over. And you would miss your previous life..including your wife. #You’dRegret
  • She dresses seductively….so she can "show her goods…" She SEEKS attentionfrom other men….and she'll continue to do so. Do you really want to live with that….the rest of your life. "oh…I look so young…people think I'm in my 20s." <---yeah, cuz u wear skin tight clothes and show your tits.
  • Don't be angry or resent AP: You are upset b/c of HOW she disappeared. You WANTED her to…you PRAYED for her to go away. It's WHAT you wanted. So, didn't God answer your prayers? You wanted her to be gone…and now she is. Be grateful….not spiteful!! Be GRATEFUL!!!
  • You were telling her, that you were giving it a year post her divorce….and then you'd leave wife after the holidays… "For the kids sake...so not to ruin their holidays." That was the "plan." B.S. No you weren't.. Weren’t you really just buying yourself more time to fk her. Yes, you DO love her….but is it more infatuation??
  • Last year (fall of 2015) you left wife to attend"parent orientation" herself at school. Now that u've gone this year…how could she have possibly achieved that? I'll tell u..she didn't….and our kids suffered as a result. She was PTO prez, two sets of teachers to meet…u were a no-show. All So you could"text/talk" w/AP. Your kids suffered b/c of you…. Again…you’re a dick.

    She will contact you again…. How will you respond? Are you prepared?

Last edited by Back2Good; 11th August 2017 at 11:36 AM.. Reason: Format
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Old 11th August 2017, 12:43 PM   #2
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Backtogood, big (((man hug))) to you from someone who has been in a similar situation and like, you, is finding satisfaction in his marriage again. I don't have much time to post now but know that I will read over your post many times - you've clearly done a lot of thought and reflection... And I'll be back to post. Hope we can help and support each other. Good luck
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Old 11th August 2017, 12:43 PM   #3
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I love this post! B2G, you have tremendous insight into the dynamics of your affair...that's rare to see in a married man. Did you ever confess to your wife?


And....Just what ARE you going to do when your pretty, young AP comes back?
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Old 11th August 2017, 12:45 PM   #4
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Does your wife know about your affair? I'm assuming not.

It seems you've settled for your wife since you couldn't have your affair partner. At least that's you she'll feel if (when) she finds out.

Until your honest with your wife you will always feel something for your AP, no matter how 'false' it is.

Once you see the hurt in your wife's eyes you'll realize how aweful your relationship was with AP.

You'll never heal until your honest.
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Old 11th August 2017, 1:55 PM   #5
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Backtogood, big (((man hug))) to you from someone who has been in a similar situation and like, you, is finding satisfaction in his marriage again. I don't have much time to post now but know that I will read over your post many times - you've clearly done a lot of thought and reflection... And I'll be back to post. Hope we can help and support each other. Good luck
Jenkins... I found this site last week...and lurked all week. Your story actually inspired me to "come out" with mine....
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Old 11th August 2017, 2:03 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by RewindRomancer View Post
I love this post! B2G, you have tremendous insight into the dynamics of your affair...that's rare to see in a married man. Did you ever confess to your wife?


And....Just what ARE you going to do when your pretty, young AP comes back?


Hi RR!
I have not confessed to my wife...and I struggle with it every day. I believe at the time, she knew I was having an A....at the very least she knew I was in an emotional-A. And it didn't really bother me that she *might* know... Why didn't it bother me? Because I was a coward...and having her just sense my having an A...made it easier on me.
I do however want to point out...I WANTED to tell her...and I was prepared to tell her... Honest! I really did want to. But I couldn't because she knew my AP....and my AP didn't want me to tell her, because of the fact they knew each other. (yeah...I'm slime)
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Old 11th August 2017, 2:25 PM   #7
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Does your wife know about your affair? I'm assuming not.

It seems you've settled for your wife since you couldn't have your affair partner. At least that's you she'll feel if (when) she finds out.

Until your honest with your wife you will always feel something for your AP, no matter how 'false' it is.

Once you see the hurt in your wife's eyes you'll realize how aweful your relationship was with AP.

You'll never heal until your honest.

Hi Kim!! Thank you for your note.
It'll come as no surprise to you.... Your assumptions are correct...I have not told my wife. My AP and wife know each other... AP didn't want me to tell my wife because it would mean telling her who my AP is/was. It's not right....and I agree with you...she should know. Yet here I am today...still protecting my AP by hiding her identity. And sadly,...despite it being wrong....I'll take this to my grave.


As you maybe saw in my reply to RR above.... I believe my wife knew I was having an affair. She'd confront me on stuff. Passwords. My secrecy. My whereabouts...etc. But she never came right out and asked "Are you having an affair.." I think she just didn't want to know the answer for sure. So her strategy was to wait it out....and see what direction I took.


I get what you mean about your comment "..seems you've settled for your wife..." I see where you are coming from. However, the answer is "yes & no." I don't know if settled is exactly the right word....only because before my AP Ghosted me....I had ALREADY decided to re-commit to my marriage. I had decided I needed to be a man, grow up and either have the balls to leave my wife....or commit back. I decided to commit back to my marriage...and I decided to do it with earnest...with sincere intense conviction!! I decided this BEFORE I was Ghosted. I knew I loved my AP...and I still do....and I'm sure I always will. But I knew it was not RIGHT for me to leave my wife for another woman. Even if she was the "love of my life." I decided to recommit to my wife...and I was thinking about an exit strategy with my AP. I was dreading the talk with my AP... I wonder sometimes if she Ghosted me b/c she sensed it?


So I have committed "all-in" with my wife. Each and every day I make sure she knows how wonderful and special she is. She is happy now. She has that "light" in her eye...the one that I extinguished when I disengaged with her emotionally. I believe she is fully aware that I had an affair...and I think she now just thinks of it as a phase. I don't think she trusts me though....and I know I need to earn that. She has full access to my phone, emails, social media, etc.. I owe her so much. I have lots of work ahead of me. And I will make it up to her.


I was an ASS to cheat. I'm angry with myself... I need to forgive myself. I'm angry with myself that the reason I'm not telling my wife about the A...is because I'm protecting my AP. And like I said...I'll forever protect my AP. Because yes, I still love her....but also b/c I promised her I would always protect her. God,..what a hypocrite I am. I'm pretending to be soooo righteous by protecting my AP....yet everyday I don't confess with my wife....I'm lying.


You said "...you'll never heal until you're honest.." Kim....maybe I don't deserve to heal? Maybe this is my punishment. I think my wife has suffered more than me already...so maybe I need to feel pain too.
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Old 11th August 2017, 2:27 PM   #8
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Why do you think she will contact you again? After 424 days?

There is obviously a lot more to my story but it sounds similar - the intense soulmate thing - I was ghosted 12 weeks ago. He said exactly the same to me: 'I love you, I miss you, talk tomorrow'. And that was it. Unlike you, we had been discovered 5 months previous, we both left out spouses to be together, he went back to his wife after a week because he couldn't stand the guilt, his kids hated him ( previous relationship) his mother etc, the wife had cleared out his bank account - usual old stuff), We then yo-yo-ed a few times although it was just messaging and me trying to get him to make a decision, me or her. She found out we were back in contact and demanded no contact, obviously. We were then in contact again after 10 weeks. My guess is she found out again. I tried to contact him a few times after I was ghosted using a fake number but got no response.

I have posted about my experience and got some good advice but I just want to know why you think she will contact you again? I don't expect my ex AP to contact me again. Surely being ghosted is the ultimate in finality? How on earth do you come back and try to initiate contact after something so brutal?
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Old 11th August 2017, 2:56 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Back2Good View Post
Hi Kim!! Thank you for your note.
It'll come as no surprise to you.... Your assumptions are correct...I have not told my wife. My AP and wife know each other... AP didn't want me to tell my wife because it would mean telling her who my AP is/was. It's not right....and I agree with you...she should know. Yet here I am today...still protecting my AP by hiding her identity. And sadly,...despite it being wrong....I'll take this to my grave.


As you maybe saw in my reply to RR above.... I believe my wife knew I was having an affair. She'd confront me on stuff. Passwords. My secrecy. My whereabouts...etc. But she never came right out and asked "Are you having an affair.." I think she just didn't want to know the answer for sure. So her strategy was to wait it out....and see what direction I took.


I get what you mean about your comment "..seems you've settled for your wife..." I see where you are coming from. However, the answer is "yes & no." I don't know if settled is exactly the right word....only because before my AP Ghosted me....I had ALREADY decided to re-commit to my marriage. I had decided I needed to be a man, grow up and either have the balls to leave my wife....or commit back. I decided to commit back to my marriage...and I decided to do it with earnest...with sincere intense conviction!! I decided this BEFORE I was Ghosted. I knew I loved my AP...and I still do....and I'm sure I always will. But I knew it was not RIGHT for me to leave my wife for another woman. Even if she was the "love of my life." I decided to recommit to my wife...and I was thinking about an exit strategy with my AP. I was dreading the talk with my AP... I wonder sometimes if she Ghosted me b/c she sensed it?


So I have committed "all-in" with my wife. Each and every day I make sure she knows how wonderful and special she is. She is happy now. She has that "light" in her eye...the one that I extinguished when I disengaged with her emotionally. I believe she is fully aware that I had an affair...and I think she now just thinks of it as a phase. I don't think she trusts me though....and I know I need to earn that. She has full access to my phone, emails, social media, etc.. I owe her so much. I have lots of work ahead of me. And I will make it up to her.


I was an ASS to cheat. I'm angry with myself... I need to forgive myself. I'm angry with myself that the reason I'm not telling my wife about the A...is because I'm protecting my AP. And like I said...I'll forever protect my AP. Because yes, I still love her....but also b/c I promised her I would always protect her. God,..what a hypocrite I am. I'm pretending to be soooo righteous by protecting my AP....yet everyday I don't confess with my wife....I'm lying.


You said "...you'll never heal until you're honest.." Kim....maybe I don't deserve to heal? Maybe this is my punishment. I think my wife has suffered more than me already...so maybe I need to feel pain too.
B2G, thanks for your post and your list. I'm just wondering how you are reconciling being all in with your wife, yet protecting your AP? Do you think you can genuinely have a good relationship with your wife and withhold this from her? No judgment from me - I'm an OMW contemplating my next steps and wondering if I would be able to not confess yet have a happy, healthy marriage. I'm just curious about your thought process in this is.
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Old 11th August 2017, 2:59 PM   #10
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Why do you think she will contact you again? After 424 days?

There is obviously a lot more to my story but it sounds similar - the intense soulmate thing - I was ghosted 12 weeks ago. He said exactly the same to me: 'I love you, I miss you, talk tomorrow'. And that was it. Unlike you, we had been discovered 5 months previous, we both left out spouses to be together, he went back to his wife after a week because he couldn't stand the guilt, his kids hated him ( previous relationship) his mother etc, the wife had cleared out his bank account - usual old stuff), We then yo-yo-ed a few times although it was just messaging and me trying to get him to make a decision, me or her. She found out we were back in contact and demanded no contact, obviously. We were then in contact again after 10 weeks. My guess is she found out again. I tried to contact him a few times after I was ghosted using a fake number but got no response.

I have posted about my experience and got some good advice but I just want to know why you think she will contact you again? I don't expect my ex AP to contact me again. Surely being ghosted is the ultimate in finality? How on earth do you come back and try to initiate contact after something so brutal?

Hi EJ....
"Brutal." What a perfect word to describe "Ghosting.." It's just damn brutal.
Your question is an excellent one and deserves some thought.


Why do I think she'll make contact with me:
Well... Because I know she loved(s) me deeply. I know she respects me. I anticipate she will make contact to "explain" her actions. Yes, it's been "424 days" (it's sick I know that) but I believe in my heart of hearts she will return one day to just simply tell me "I love you...but I can't have you..." We talked sometimes about how wrong our A is/was. It bothered her that she was a cheating spouse...and it bothered her that she was the reason I too was a cheating spouse. But neither of us were strong enough to stop what had happened between us. It was a beautiful thing we had... (again tho...no different than anyone else) We had created a plan-of-action on how we were going to get our lives together...out in the open. It was a detailed plan that we had even written out...and edited from time to time. It even had a timeline with dates and everything.


I know her.... And I know it's eating her up how she left. I'm not angry with her. I never really was. I had moments...but not angry. I support her decision...and I will help her stay committed to her decision. Which is why I have not initiated contact with her. I've wanted to... But for closure. Which brings me to my 2nd reason I expect to hear from her. I know she needs closure too.


So when she feels strong enough...she will contact me to:
1) Explain why she Ghosted me.
2) Provide closure for herself.


I'm not certain I'll ever have closure though. But I do wish she said "goodbye" instead of Ghosting. I said I wasn't angry with her....but I am disappointed in her for taking the easy way out.
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Old 11th August 2017, 3:24 PM   #11
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B2G, thanks for your post and your list. I'm just wondering how you are reconciling being all in with your wife, yet protecting your AP? Do you think you can genuinely have a good relationship with your wife and withhold this from her? No judgment from me - I'm an OMW contemplating my next steps and wondering if I would be able to not confess yet have a happy, healthy marriage. I'm just curious about your thought process in this is.
Hi BB....
Wow.. The engagement on this site is amazing.... And such great questions. Questions I've contemplated already...but it's different when these questions come from another person other than myself.
I'll try to answer your question....but we've already confirmed I'm a hyprocrite...so it might be a confusing response I provide.


In short....YES!!....YES!!!....YES!!... You CAN and WILL have a happy, healthy marriage....but ONLY if you so choose. I will be criticized with "how can you say your marriage B2G is 'healthy' when you are harboring this secret...?" Fair enough....but I stand by my claim. I AM in a HAPPY, HEALTHY marriage... I chose to recommit and jump back in hard. We've been married 18 years. Now that I'm back emotionally.. I can't wait to see her when I come home each day. I hate traveling because I'll miss her. I can't wait to watch a movie tonight with her. Make her pop-corn. Pour her a glass of wine....(or two...or three!!) I can't wait for us to go to church together on Sunday. So...yes...I am HAPPY. And I know she is HAPPY as well...(that light in her eyes tells me so...as do her actions..)


Now the tougher part. How "Healthy" is our marriage.. Welp, I can't say it's 100% healthy...and it won't be ever,....until/unless I disclose everything about my A and my AP. But, as we all know...I'm a hypocrite...and that will NEVER EVER happen...


But isn't "healthy" a relative sphere?? I mean...define "healthy" for me. Is ANY marriage 1000% "healthy?" I would suggest that the answer is "no." Maybe some I suppose... But on a scale of 1 to 100.. I would define my marriage as 98% healthy...and that's pretty damn good.


So "yes"...I think I can "have a good relationship" with my wife....because I'm living it everyday. And BB... I believe YOU too can have a "happy" and yes..."healthy" relationship if you so choose to do so.....


I'm still healing from my AP...so I can't pretend it's all daisies for me... But I'm starting to feel better and I think I am FINALLY on the road to healing.


Best of luck to you BB!!!
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Old 11th August 2017, 4:15 PM   #12
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Hi EJ....
"Brutal." What a perfect word to describe "Ghosting.." It's just damn brutal.
Your question is an excellent one and deserves some thought.


Why do I think she'll make contact with me:
Well... Because I know she loved(s) me deeply. I know she respects me. I anticipate she will make contact to "explain" her actions. Yes, it's been "424 days" (it's sick I know that) but I believe in my heart of hearts she will return one day to just simply tell me "I love you...but I can't have you..." We talked sometimes about how wrong our A is/was. It bothered her that she was a cheating spouse...and it bothered her that she was the reason I too was a cheating spouse. But neither of us were strong enough to stop what had happened between us. It was a beautiful thing we had... (again tho...no different than anyone else) We had created a plan-of-action on how we were going to get our lives together...out in the open. It was a detailed plan that we had even written out...and edited from time to time. It even had a timeline with dates and everything.


I know her.... And I know it's eating her up how she left. I'm not angry with her. I never really was. I had moments...but not angry. I support her decision...and I will help her stay committed to her decision. Which is why I have not initiated contact with her. I've wanted to... But for closure. Which brings me to my 2nd reason I expect to hear from her. I know she needs closure too.


So when she feels strong enough...she will contact me to:
1) Explain why she Ghosted me.
2) Provide closure for herself.


I'm not certain I'll ever have closure though. But I do wish she said "goodbye" instead of Ghosting. I said I wasn't angry with her....but I am disappointed in her for taking the easy way out.
Your story sounds so much like mine, it's uncanny. You say 'when she feels strong enough'. Do you think it was a conscious effort, to 'ghost' you? Or that something happened? In my case, he was absolutely in a bad place in the last few weeks of contact. He didn't know where to turn, he was drinking to 'numb the pain'. He even had a suspected heart attack because of the stress. I as very worried when I didn't hear from him, but through a bit of online stalking, I realised he was okay. I then sent him a message calling him a coward among other things. It wasn't very nice. I felt pretty wretched about it so then just sent him a message telling him I was sorry, he didn't deserve that and wished him well. I have absolutely no idea if he got these messages. I was going to suggest that we end contact as it wasn't good for any of us. But he just disappeared before I could. I know this is the best way but the ghosting is just as I said, brutal.

Sorry to keep referring to my case. It's just so similar to yours in many ways.
I don't want my ex AP to contact me if he's still with his wife, although an explanation would be appreciated. I also feel that he will be torturing himself about it and I worry about this as he is quite fragile ( he has PTSD).
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Old 11th August 2017, 4:49 PM   #13
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In order for reconciliation to be successful you need to tell your wife about your affair and AP

Is the AP a friend of your wife ?

The only person that you need to protect is your wife .not some fairytale love story that turned out like a regular affair .

If the out of the love feeling was that strong then you would discuss the separation like 2 adults and gone your separate ways ....this is worst way of dumping someone without a word people who love each other do not do that to another person without a word.

If you had already decided to recommit to your marriage before the ghosting happened

Then

It should not matter whether the AP returns .because you should already be prepared to ignore all communication a channel to discuss should not be open to entertain anymore .

Just like you who have the need to know why you were ghosted....same way your wife has the need to know what happened during this time that you alienated her without an explanation.

And you mentioned you still ignore your wife on fb just so the AP does not see ....what is this about ?
If you are 100 percent committed to reconciling what does it matter what your ex AP sees or thinks ...unless you are secretly hoping she returns to start the cycle again.
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Old 11th August 2017, 5:51 PM   #14
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Back 2Good,

She might have felt it was the only safe way for HER to leave the affair and not get hooked back in. How do you know it was the 'easy' way out for her? it might have taken all her courage.

I don't think she owes you anything. After all you were feeding her and your wife a whole pile of crap for 2.5 years.

If she contact you again, there is a chance that the affair will rekindle, as you obviously still have strong feelings. Hope and pray for your wife's sake there is no further contact.
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Old 11th August 2017, 6:42 PM   #15
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I felt a lot of honesty and self reflection when I read your 'notes'. The realisation of what kind of person the A turned you into.

Just a couple of other thoughts. One being the fact that you still love your Ex AP. I personally would rather not be with a man who loved another woman.

The second being.... That feeling a spouse has, when they 'know' there was an affair in the past. They stick around, but it's always in the back of their mind.
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