Wife Always Miserable Trying to Get Pregnant

[ARDriver01]

Hello,

 

Thank you for reading.

 

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. She had an ectopic (miscarraige) about 5 months ago and we're back at it again, trying however, she is absolutely obsessive about everything and is always crying about something. Seeing a baby, other couples getting pregnant, the two week wait. After her ovulation window is done, she just becomes a nervous wreck. This is every month, very predictable.

 

She came to me this morning, I had been awake only 5 minutes. She told me about how she was feeling and that it is so hard, and that she has 8 days before she can test etc.. she asked for encouraging words, which has just become part of this whole thing, like a pop quiz marraige challenge. "Well, anything? ..any encouraging words?" she'll say, and I calmly explained that maybe she has given herself an allowance or expectation of misery every month and that she doesn't need to do that. I said it's not good for you, it's not good for me or us.

 

She said I was being unfair and that I was blissfully unaware because I don't have to look at the calendar all the time. btw.. creative ways to call someone a moron without using the word "moron", and this is not the first time she's lorded pregnancy over me in order to knock me down a few notches. I got pissed and told her maybe we should just stop altogether because I can't keep living like this every month.

 

I used to pray for a child because I wanted to be a dad, now I find myself praying for a healthy pregnancy so that my wife will stop being unhappy. That's totally crazy right?!?! She wants to talk about fairness, I'm not even stoked on potentially being a dad anymore because of her all-consuming sadness.

 

I don't think I have a responsibility to be sympathetic to self inflicted, obsessive compulsive anxiety because it is not healthy and shouldn't be encouraged.

 

Any input is always appreciated and thanks again for reading.

[BettyDraper]

It might be helpful for your wife to post on an online forum specifically for women who are trying to conceive.

 

Attending marriage counseling could be beneficial as well.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I don't think I have a responsibility to be sympathetic to self inflicted, obsessive compulsive anxiety because it is not healthy and shouldn't be encouraged.

 

 

Maybe not, but you do have a responsibility to be compassionate because you are her life partner.

 

My kids are teenagers now, but my ex-husband and I went through infertility. I can relate to every single thing your wife is doing and feeling. I definitely did not handle things well all of the time....sometimes I handled things extremely poorly (i.e when I found out yet another friend was pregnant, for example).

 

My ex was a jerk in many, many ways, but oddly the time in our marriage I felt the most supported by him was during our infertility struggle. And it was because he was just there. Just compassionate, let me cry, held me, etc. Was the voice of reason when I needed it, but didn't try to tell me I was wrong for feeling the way I did. Probably the only time in our whole marriage that I actually did feel validated by him!

 

So my advice is...just try to be compassionate. You'll never really understand what it's like as a man, but try to accept that you won't and be her comfort. I know it's hard .

[ARDriver01]

It might be helpful for your wife to post on an online forum specifically for women who are trying to conceive.

 

Attending marriage counseling could be beneficial as well.

 

Yeah, she's been on one for almost a year. She made a friend on the site because they're on the same cycle, and they text eachother all the time.

 

Yeah, counseling may be the way to go I guess. I'm feeling condescended in my marraige.

[elaine567]

She said I was being unfair and that I was blissfully unaware because I don't have to look at the calendar all the time. btw.. creative ways to call someone a moron without using the word "moron", and this is not the first time she's lorded pregnancy over me in order to knock me down a few notches. I got pissed and told her maybe we should just stop altogether because I can't keep living like this every month.

 

I'm feeling condescended in my marriage.

 

Time to stop the feeling "pissed" and time to step up to the mark here.

This is hell for your wife and it is your job to support and validate her, not get all huffy, aggressive and play power games to assert your masculinity...

 

Maybe it is time you were looking at the calendar all the time and time you were getting on board with the whole "trying to get pregnant" experience.

The less you support her the more clingy, nervous and anxious she will get, what you are actually doing here is pouring gasoline onto the fire.

[ARDriver01]

Time to stop the feeling "pissed" and time to step up to the mark here.

This is hell for your wife and it is your job to support and validate her, not get all huffy, aggressive and play power games to assert your masculinity...

 

Maybe it is time you were looking at the calendar all the time and time you were getting on board with the whole "trying to get pregnant" experience.

The less you support her the more clingy, nervous and anxious she will get, what you are actually doing here is pouring gasoline onto the fire.

 

This isn't a game to me and I'm not asserting my masculinity. That is called an assumption. I just want us to be normal and happy. Sure, it's a bummer when we're not pregnant one month, but why does it have to carry over and build every month?

 

She is not infertile either, (I'm sorry you went through that). She is just constantly depressed and it's getting worse. I'm "huffy" because she insulted me when I suggested that maybe her saddness was self induced and unhealthy. My concern for my wifes mood supercedes other more pressing issues for me now; like being a dad. I don't even think about it anymore. Do I not have a say in my own quality of life? I'm sitting here wondering what it looks like to just accept existing for the procreating, keeping my mouth shut and worrying about which version of my spouse I'm getting everyday. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Really?

 

My wife is obsessive compulsive and is dealing with this in an unhealthy way. That is not perception, it is fact. She tells me when she gets a negative she has bad voices telling her bad things about herself and that she's to blame! Come on, that is crazy.

[dichotomy]

Can you use insurance to get fertility assistance ? Its been a year. IVF may do the trick.

 

The desire for children and healthy pregnancy is something I understand. Its tough.

[elaine567]

 

She is not infertile either, (I'm sorry you went through that).

 

Not true, you must have me mixed up with another poster.

 

My wife is obsessive compulsive and is dealing with this in an unhealthy way. That is not perception, it is fact. She tells me when she gets a negative she has bad voices telling her bad things about herself and that she's to blame! Come on, that is crazy.

 

If that is true then she heeds seen by a professional, sooner rather than later. Voices in her head or "auditory hallucinations" means she is psychotic and needs psychiatric help.

[mrs rubble]

It has only been 5 months since she miscarried. This will still be making her sad. I had a miscarriage 4 years ago and it wasn't even a planned pregnancy and I grieved for months and months. I'm sure men don't understand the grief associated with miscarriage.

How about taking her away for a weekend to take her mind off things?

[basil67]

I'm "huffy" because she insulted me when I suggested that maybe her saddness was self induced and unhealthy.

 

My wife is obsessive compulsive and is dealing with this in an unhealthy way. That is not perception, it is fact. She tells me when she gets a negative she has bad voices telling her bad things about herself and that she's to blame! Come on, that is crazy.

 

Well, it WAS a horrible thing to say to her. She's got all these emotions happening right now and likely needs some tools to help deal with them, but it is NOT self induced.

 

And if she's hearing voices, then she's likely also struggling with mental illness. It's not "crazy". Basically, she needs a psychiatrist and a psychologist and a **** load of understanding from you.

Edited August 11, 2017 by basil67

[BettyDraper]

Your wife sounds like she's struggling with mental illness. Sorry but your reactions are not helpful. Getting exasperated and blaming her for her pain is awful. Part of being married is providing emotional support. You owe your wife an apology and far more support than you have given her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your wife sounds like she's struggling with mental illness. Sorry but your reactions are not helpful. Getting exasperated and blaming her for her pain is awful. Part of being married is providing emotional support. You owe your wife an apology and far more support than you have given her.

 

I don't know about the mental illness part, but you're spot on about blaming her for her pain. It's never ok for anyone to place blame on another person for their pain just because YOU don't experience it or understand it. Part of emotional intelligence is recognizing this and being able to support someone even when you do not fully understand their pain/stress/sadness/struggle.

[sandylee1]

The self induced comment was unhelpful and would anger anyone.

 

Of course she's desperate for a baby and a man just doesn't understand it like a woman.

 

Why couldn't you find words of encouragement or reassurance? You could have said "God's time is best", "Relax darling, you got pregnant before and it will happen again"...

 

She may feel like a disappointment to you, knowing you want to be a dad.

 

I know it's a stressful time, but I'm sensing irritation and frustration from you.

[Popsicle]

Hello,

 

Thank you for reading.

 

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. She had an ectopic (miscarraige) about 5 months ago and we're back at it again, trying however, she is absolutely obsessive about everything and is always crying about something. Seeing a baby, other couples getting pregnant, the two week wait. After her ovulation window is done, she just becomes a nervous wreck. This is every month, very predictable.

 

She came to me this morning, I had been awake only 5 minutes. She told me about how she was feeling and that it is so hard, and that she has 8 days before she can test etc.. she asked for encouraging words, which has just become part of this whole thing, like a pop quiz marraige challenge. "Well, anything? ..any encouraging words?" she'll say, and I calmly explained that maybe she has given herself an allowance or expectation of misery every month and that she doesn't need to do that. I said it's not good for you, it's not good for me or us.

 

She said I was being unfair and that I was blissfully unaware because I don't have to look at the calendar all the time. btw.. creative ways to call someone a moron without using the word "moron", and this is not the first time she's lorded pregnancy over me in order to knock me down a few notches. I got pissed and told her maybe we should just stop altogether because I can't keep living like this every month.

 

I used to pray for a child because I wanted to be a dad, now I find myself praying for a healthy pregnancy so that my wife will stop being unhappy. That's totally crazy right?!?! She wants to talk about fairness, I'm not even stoked on potentially being a dad anymore because of her all-consuming sadness.

 

I don't think I have a responsibility to be sympathetic to self inflicted, obsessive compulsive anxiety because it is not healthy and shouldn't be encouraged.

 

Any input is always appreciated and thanks again for reading.

 

My Ex-H said I drove him crazy with my obsessing while I was pregnant. He never said it but I know he must have felt the same way while they were babies. I think there's something about women and babies that makes them obsessed. It's totally normal and will pass but it'll be awhile (a few years). I feel for you.

[Simple Logic]

Hello,

 

Thank you for reading.

 

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. She had an ectopic (miscarraige) about 5 months ago and we're back at it again, trying however, she is absolutely obsessive about everything and is always crying about something. Seeing a baby, other couples getting pregnant, the two week wait. After her ovulation window is done, she just becomes a nervous wreck. This is every month, very predictable.

 

She came to me this morning, I had been awake only 5 minutes. She told me about how she was feeling and that it is so hard, and that she has 8 days before she can test etc.. she asked for encouraging words, which has just become part of this whole thing, like a pop quiz marraige challenge. "Well, anything? ..any encouraging words?" she'll say, and I calmly explained that maybe she has given herself an allowance or expectation of misery every month and that she doesn't need to do that. I said it's not good for you, it's not good for me or us.

 

She said I was being unfair and that I was blissfully unaware because I don't have to look at the calendar all the time. btw.. creative ways to call someone a moron without using the word "moron", and this is not the first time she's lorded pregnancy over me in order to knock me down a few notches. I got pissed and told her maybe we should just stop altogether because I can't keep living like this every month.

 

I used to pray for a child because I wanted to be a dad, now I find myself praying for a healthy pregnancy so that my wife will stop being unhappy. That's totally crazy right?!?! She wants to talk about fairness, I'm not even stoked on potentially being a dad anymore because of her all-consuming sadness.

 

I don't think I have a responsibility to be sympathetic to self inflicted, obsessive compulsive anxiety because it is not healthy and shouldn't be encouraged.

 

Any input is always appreciated and thanks again for reading.

 

Stress lowers fertility. Your wife is stressing herself and you out. Stress and Infertility | Stress and Getting Pregnant

[basil67]

Stress lowers fertility. Your wife is stressing herself and you out. Stress and Infertility | Stress and Getting Pregnant

 

This is true. Yet another reason she needs the tools to deal with the stress and for needing her husband's support.

[CupCakess]

Wow girls, back off and put your claws away :lmao:.

 

He isn't being a jerk, he is just posting his concern, and he is totally right to do so. No need to lecture him on how "guys just don't get it".

 

If his wife is channeling her anger into him, its not a nice situation to be in, and I totally get him regarding that.

 

Now as for actual advise, the best thing you can do is sit her down, tell her you love her, and explain to her that (as someone mentioned before) stress and depression can be harmful for fertility. You need to have a slow, loving and understanding chat about this with her, tell her you support her and will always be there for her, but that she needs to relax.

 

I suggest you tell her to take a pause regarding pregnancy. Like a 1 or 2 month pause. Take a small vacation from it, take her out on dates (movies/restaurants/etc). Then, when she is feeling better, you can start over.

 

Until she doesn't get relxed, she probably won't get pregnant.

 

By the way, how old is she?

[sandylee1]

I think it's important for the OP to understand how the situation and how the comments could come across to a woman. This isn't a case of attacking him.

 

I can only imagine how the comment of let's stop altogether was received.

[basil67]

Wow girls, back off and put your claws away :lmao:.

 

He isn't being a jerk, he is just posting his concern, and he is totally right to do so. No need to lecture him on how "guys just don't get it".

 

If his wife is channeling her anger into him, its not a nice situation to be in, and I totally get him regarding that.

 

Now as for actual advise, the best thing you can do is sit her down, tell her you love her, and explain to her that (as someone mentioned before) stress and depression can be harmful for fertility. You need to have a slow, loving and understanding chat about this with her, tell her you support her and will always be there for her, but that she needs to relax.

 

I suggest you tell her to take a pause regarding pregnancy. Like a 1 or 2 month pause. Take a small vacation from it, take her out on dates (movies/restaurants/etc). Then, when she is feeling better, you can start over.

 

Until she doesn't get relxed, she probably won't get pregnant.

 

By the way, how old is she?

 

(slightly altering a favourite phrase) "Never in the history of relaxing has anyone ever relaxed after being told to relax".

 

As I've said in previous posts, she's overwhelmed and sinking in this. She has a dx of OCD and there is also talk of her hearing voices.....she needs professional help. Being told to relax is not only pointless, it's patronising undertones would further damage the relationship between them.

 

While I don't know the full story of her anger, the one thing he did tell us he said was horrible. He was suggesting that her behaviour is a choice she makes. Do you really think she CHOOSES to be feeling like this?

 

It's not the OPs place to "tell her" that there is to be a two month hiatus on trying. Sure, it can be raised for discussion and she may agree. But for him to make a decision and present a new plan in which she's had no input? Totally unacceptable.

[CupCakess]

(slightly altering a favourite phrase) "Never in the history of relaxing has anyone ever relaxed after being told to relax".

 

As I've said in previous posts, she's overwhelmed and sinking in this. She has a dx of OCD and there is also talk of her hearing voices.....she needs professional help. Being told to relax is not only pointless, it's patronising undertones would further damage the relationship between them.

 

While I don't know the full story of her anger, the one thing he did tell us he said was horrible. He was suggesting that her behaviour is a choice she makes. Do you really think she CHOOSES to be feeling like this?

 

It's not the OPs place to "tell her" that there is to be a two month hiatus on trying. Sure, it can be raised for discussion and she may agree. But for him to make a decision and present a new plan in which she's had no input? Totally unacceptable.

 

Actually it is completly his place to do whatever he wants. He can stop trying if he wants to.

 

If it was the other way around, and it was the husband the one getting frustrated and depressed and lashing out on his wife because of his own percieved infertility, you wouldn't recommend for the woman to keep trying for his sake would you? I also don't think you would tell the woman to suck it up and do as she is told for his mental state.

 

The double-standard is ludicrous. She is in no mental condition to get pregnant right now. And he should not encourage her to do so, at least not until she can deal with her stuff.

[d0nnivain]

I just want us to be normal and happy. Sure, it's a bummer when we're not pregnant one month, but why does it have to carry over and build every month?

 

She is not infertile either, (I'm sorry you went through that). She is just constantly depressed and it's getting worse. I'm "huffy" because she insulted me when I suggested that maybe her saddness was self induced and unhealthy. My concern for my wifes mood supercedes other more pressing issues for me now; like being a dad. I don't even think about it anymore. Do I not have a say in my own quality of life? I'm sitting here wondering what it looks like to just accept existing for the procreating, keeping my mouth shut and worrying about which version of my spouse I'm getting everyday. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Really?

 

My wife is obsessive compulsive and is dealing with this in an unhealthy way. That is not perception, it is fact. She tells me when she gets a negative she has bad voices telling her bad things about herself and that she's to blame! Come on, that is crazy.

 

Not getting pregnant can make even the most self-assured woman feel & act mentally ill. It's a vicious cycle the repeats every 28 days. She feels defective & like it's her fault. For you it's a "a bummer" for her it's the defining problem in her life & it makes her feel like less of a woman.

 

She thinks that somehow she did something wrong to cause the miscarriage. She thinks she's less of a woman, less of a person because she can't get pregnant. She's probably watching what she eats, making sure she's healthy, taking her temperature & waiting for that ovulation window. When it happens she pressures you into mechanical sex & waits & hopes & prays. When it doesn't happen & she gets her period signaling that she's not pregnant she feels like a failure all over again but she can't even process it because she has 10 days to measure & wait & try all over again. It's a constant, never ending pressure.

 

Every baby she sees, every diaper commercial, they all feel like they are mocking her. It eats at a woman's soul.

 

If you want to help her just keep telling her that you love her & make arrangements to go to an IVF specialist. If she is under 35 you usually have to wait a year to be declared infertile. Between 35 - 40, six months. Over 40 you can go right away because they just assume it will be a problem.

 

But then IVF brings its own set of demoralizing required behaviors -- the shots, the weight gain, the cancer risk not to mention the astronomical cost that is not covered by insurance.

 

I get that you want your happy go lucky wife back but you that is not going to happen in the short term. Her body is not allowing her to do something that is supposed to be easy & natural, something other women take great care to prevent, something she probably worked to prevent when she was younger. It is really hard to explain how upsetting & demoralizing it is.

 

I am not trying to demonize you or invalidate your feelings & concerns but from your posts I don't think you truly understand how horrible she feels. Any attempt to minimize her distress will cause her to be more upset.

[basil67]

Actually it is completly his place to do whatever he wants. He can stop trying if he wants to.

 

If it was the other way around, and it was the husband the one getting frustrated and depressed and lashing out on his wife because of his own percieved infertility, you wouldn't recommend for the woman to keep trying for his sake would you? I also don't think you would tell the woman to suck it up and do as she is told for his mental state.

 

The double-standard is ludicrous. She is in no mental condition to get pregnant right now. And he should not encourage her to do so, at least not until she can deal with her stuff.

 

I have not suggested he suck it up. Rather, I have repeatedly suggested that she needs professional help to deal with her distress. And that he needs to stop blaming her for her feelings.

 

No double standard at all. If the roles were reversed, I would suggest HE seek professional help and she not blame him in the meantime.

 

As far as it being his place to insist on taking a break? It's certainly a decision he can make, but unilateral decisions generally don't go down well in a partnership. I think that decisions such as these should be made jointly and possibly with the assistance of a mental health practitioner.

[CupCakess]

I have not suggested he suck it up. Rather, I have repeatedly suggested that she needs professional help to deal with her distress. And that he needs to stop blaming her for her feelings.

 

No double standard at all. If the roles were reversed, I would suggest HE seek professional help and she not blame him in the meantime.

 

As far as it being his place to insist on taking a break? It's certainly a decision he can make, but unilateral decisions generally don't go down well in a partnership. I think that decisions such as these should be made jointly and possibly with the assistance of a mental health practitioner.

 

If you take the stance that she isn't mentally stable, then by definition you can't expect her to be making rational decisions. She is pretty much attempting to get pregnant, failing, and getting worse.

 

The double standard is because, she is lashing out on him and treating him poorly and everyone expects for the OP to somehow manage to remain sane, just because he is the man. Consider his own mental state, he hasn't been able to become a dad, and on top of that he has to suffer the blame his wife is putting on him, and this has been going on for over 5 months now. If this was the other way around, everyone would have been much more understanding to a woman in a reverse situation.

 

Its up to him to take the lead, and put a temporary stop at it. I didn't say he should be hard with her, in fact I implied he should be as sweet and understanding as posible. She needs to take a break, deal with the misscarriage and seek professional help.

[anika99]

If you take the stance that she isn't mentally stable, then by definition you can't expect her to be making rational decisions. She is pretty much attempting to get pregnant, failing, and getting worse.

 

The double standard is because, she is lashing out on him and treating him poorly and everyone expects for the OP to somehow manage to remain sane, just because he is the man. Consider his own mental state, he hasn't been able to become a dad, and on top of that he has to suffer the blame his wife is putting on him, and this has been going on for over 5 months now. If this was the other way around, everyone would have been much more understanding to a woman in a reverse situation.

 

Its up to him to take the lead, and put a temporary stop at it. I didn't say he should be hard with her, in fact I implied he should be as sweet and understanding as posible. She needs to take a break, deal with the misscarriage and seek professional help.

 

Actually I don't see where his wife is lashing out. She told him how she was feeling and asked him to encourage and comfort her. He is the one that insulted and belittled her feelings. All she did was tell him that he doesn't understand or know what she is going through which is apparently true.

 

Also about the voice she says she hears. I'm not sure that the OP meant that she was literally hearing voices. I think she may have meant that she was listening to the negative self talk that we all have to battle with from time to time.

[CupCakess]

Actually I don't see where his wife is lashing out. She told him how she was feeling and asked him to encourage and comfort her. He is the one that insulted and belittled her feelings. All she did was tell him that he doesn't understand or know what she is going through which is apparently true.

 

Also about the voice she says she hears. I'm not sure that the OP meant that she was literally hearing voices. I think she may have meant that she was listening to the negative self talk that we all have to battle with from time to time.

 

OP wrote: "..She said I was being unfair and that I was blissfully unaware because I don't have to look at the calendar all the time. btw.. creative ways to call someone a moron without using the word "moron", and this is not the first time she's lorded pregnancy over me in order to knock me down a few notches.."

 

I admit I might be reading into the situation, perhaps more than I should, but usually depressed individuals act in a passive-aggresive manner with the people around them, specially those that "endure" their problem. Small ironic comments, reproaching certain actions, shifting blame, demanding pity, etc - all common behaviour of depressed people.

 

By the OP's comment I can only assume this type of situation has happened before.