My husband and I are considering an open marriage

[ItsameMaria]

My husband and I went to dinner a few weeks ago. We had some drinks and my husband says to me "I think I'd be ok with you sleeping with someone else" "Why should I deny you pleasure from anothe person if you wanted it" I was a little shocked but we have a pretty strong relationship so our conversation kept going. Fast forward three weeks and I haven't been able to get the idea out of my mind. Now, I can say this with absolutely certainty, that he himself is not looking for a reason to sleep with someone else. He's not secretly already cheating. This is a genuinely innocent idea he's been thinking about. I opened up to him that I am bisexual and that my only desire was to be with another women. I have no desire for another man, my husband is all I need in the D department. He said he was absolutely fine with me seeking a FWB type relationship with another woman. It was seeming once sided so we discussed when he goes on guy trips or conventions that I wouldn't mind him having a one nighter here and there when he's away. It's not really possible for him to have an ongoing FWB here at home as he's a homebody and never ever goes out or does anything social. So my question is does anyone here have an open marriage and if so what are some of your ground rules? Do you discuss your encounters? Looking for a little guidance. Thanks!

[somanymistakes]

This is probably not the best forum for advice on the subject, though there are a few people around here with some experience most will just yell at you NO STOP DON'T DO IT BAD IDEA, lol

 

I guess if you really want to do this you first want to figure out what kind of thing you're interested in.

 

Like, some people do swinging arrangements where it's meant to be just sex and nothing more, and the spouse is always aware and possibly involved (watching, if nothing else). Would you be into fooling around with another married woman while your husbands watched, or would that be weird?

 

Some people are more into polyfidelity, where you might pursue a second full-blown relationship with a woman while also being married to your husband. Would you want that, or would that be too threatening to your home life?

 

And some people are more 'open' in the sense of free, like they might go out to bars every night and pick up dates just as if they were single, not intending for anything more than one-night stands. Is that a thing you would want?

[central]

There are many considerations, and you should definitely think about what you may want if you do pursue it. I suggest some research, such as the books "More than two" or "the ethical slvt."

 

 

We've been open since we met - 17 years. It started as a polyamorous relationship where we both had another partner (we're strictly hetero, so these were opposite sex relationships). Over time, we got into swinging together; eventually, after playing alone occasionally, we sometimes have an open relationship - usually a FWB scenario, rather than one night stands, which can be much riskier in a number of ways.

 

Each type has its own pluses, minuses, and rules. The rules usually change as you gain experience, and when things go well, there are fewer and fewer rules over time, because you trust each other to keep things appropriate. We both have veto power, if we feel things are becoming inappropriate, but haven't had to use it because we've always agreed if things were getting out of hand and dealt with it.

 

Anyway, I see no reason why you should not explore your sexuality if you wish, with your husband's support. Unless you agree (and a partner does too) that he can be present - or perhaps participate sometimes - then you can decide how much information to share with him. Don't forget that a partner has a right to some privacy, and their wishes need to be respected as well, IF they aren't asking you to cross any established boundaries.

[JHandy]

Don't do it.

 

You're married.

 

What you do must be shared together.

 

He's likely already cheating and trying to even th score.

 

You're not in a really great place.

 

If you want something on the side - ditch the cheating husband and get your side - free and clear.

[ItsameMaria]

Don't do it.

 

You're married.

 

What you do must be shared together.

 

He's likely already cheating and trying to even th score.

 

You're not in a really great place.

 

If you want something on the side - ditch the cheating husband and get your side - free and clear.

 

Would you say monogamy is not part of human nature? So all these miserable couples out there that are surpressing these feelings are going to die in an unhappy relationship.

We're in a strong solid loving relationship. Like I said, he's is not already cheating. It's basically impossible for him to. So two mature adults have a real conversation about it where we're both consenting to it. Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me.

[stillafool]

My husband and I went to dinner a few weeks ago. We had some drinks and my husband says to me "I think I'd be ok with you sleeping with someone else" "Why should I deny you pleasure from anothe person if you wanted it" I was a little shocked but we have a pretty strong relationship so our conversation kept going. Fast forward three weeks and I haven't been able to get the idea out of my mind. Now, I can say this with absolutely certainty, that he himself is not looking for a reason to sleep with someone else. He's not secretly already cheating. This is a genuinely innocent idea he's been thinking about. I opened up to him that I am bisexual and that my only desire was to be with another women. I have no desire for another man, my husband is all I need in the D department. He said he was absolutely fine with me seeking a FWB type relationship with another woman. It was seeming once sided so we discussed when he goes on guy trips or conventions that I wouldn't mind him having a one nighter here and there when he's away. It's not really possible for him to have an ongoing FWB here at home as he's a homebody and never ever goes out or does anything social. So my question is does anyone here have an open marriage and if so what are some of your ground rules? Do you discuss your encounters? Looking for a little guidance. Thanks!

 

Since your marriage is now open it would be his decision whether to take on a FWB locally so you don't know what the future will bring. The right person could make him rethink the homebody situation. Good sex can do that. I think it would be wiser that neither of you discuss your sexual encounters.

[sandylee1]

You both seem secure and you might as well go for it. Men tend not to be threatened by the thought of another woman with their wives... It's quite a turn on to many guys as well.

[JS84]

If he seems okay with it go ahead. Just be careful. Be prepared for him to possibly change his mind in the future.

[ItsameMaria]

Since your marriage is now open it would be his decision whether to take on a FWB locally so you don't know what the future will bring. The right person could make him rethink the homebody situation. Good sex can do that. I think it would be wiser that neither of you discuss your sexual encounters.

 

What I meant by not possible is he rarely goes out and on the off chance he does, the friends he's with would never understand our sistiation which would make him not act on it.

[DKT3]

It would be wise to do all of it together, set limits on time with other people. Going in the intent maybe for some extra fun and excitement. However, once we become sexual emotions can get out of control.

 

Secondly, this has to be a n level footing, it already seems like you are setting limits on your husband that you didn't seem to have for yourself. I mean being ok with him having ONS out of town isn't the same as you having something with a lot more availability in a FWB relationship. Honestly, this will destroy your marriage. From what little you've said, it's going to be a little one sided.

[ItsameMaria]

You both seem secure and you might as well go for it. Men tend not to be threatened by the thought of another woman with their wives... It's quite a turn on to many guys as well.

 

Which makes our situation a little unique since me being with someone else is a turn on for him where as him being with someone else there's a good chance for an emotional bond.

[DKT3]

Which makes our situation a little unique since me being with someone else is a turn on for him where as him being with someone else there's a good chance for an emotional bond.

 

So what your saying is you only want him to have ons because he will get emotionally tangled, whereas you can have a FWB relationship and not be? This ASSUMPTION it highly unlikely.

[Steve51]

Try to find a long married couple in an open marriage. They are as rare as hen's teeth. Sooner or later, one or both spouses find someone they fall in love with and who loves them too much to share them anymore. I was in a poly triad for 30 years and most of our friends were in some sort of open marriage. They all had drama and divorced. It scared us straight so that we stopped having sex outside of our triad. We lasted 45 years and not a single couple who allowed sex outside of their marriage did. Even the ones with kids.

 

Our best friends were in an open marriage for about 5 years. The wife fell in love with her boss and her husband fell in love with a divorced neighbor. Rules last only up to the point when emotions kick in. They are false security. What you want to do is a minefield with a lot more mines than fields. Although I was not in a monogamous marriage and my wife and I both had sex with others, both men and women for both of us, I do not recommend an open marriage. You are better off getting divorced on good terms and living separated lives. I have not see an open marriage last long. It can and I have read about some but they were people in their middle age and not people like us who are married for 45 years in our mid sixties.

 

Here is some reading material.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/magnetic-partners/201307/the-slippery-slope-open-marriage

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marriage-a-happier-marriage.html

 

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201310/the-curious-couples-guide-occasional-non-monogamy

[JHandy]

Would you say monogamy is not part of human nature? So all these miserable couples out there that are surpressing these feelings are going to die in an unhappy relationship.

We're in a strong solid loving relationship. Like I said, he's is not already cheating. It's basically impossible for him to. So two mature adults have a real conversation about it where we're both consenting to it. Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me.

 

Go for it. He's not enough for you. You aren't enough for him. You both want to have sex with other people. You've tossed commitment out the window. You've opened the door for you to fall in love with another person and so has he.

 

Worse, for both him and yourself your "marriage" may just turn out to be only a cover for your true condition. You may end up with a preferred homosexual relationship that you want to hide by your marriage. But your new girlfriend may not like that plan.

 

How many people are you two going to hurt?

 

You both are no longer enough for each other and you both are asking for permission to cheat from each other. Sounds to me your marriage is over.

 

But go ahead. Get those affairs started. Seems like you've already decided to do it.

 

It's my belief all sexual experiences should be shared between you and him with no secrets.

[jenkins95]

Like most posters, I strongly advise against it ((ItsameMaria)). It can often seem like a good idea "on paper", but rarely works out in reality. You have to be a very specific type of person to be able to live liek that. For most of us, it just plays too much with our head.

 

I know three couples who have tried it and it was a disaster in every case. After some initial fun, the relationships began to be plagued with all sorts of negative emotions and behaviour: possessiveness, lying, guilt, inadequacy, doubt, frustration, paranoia, etc and they told me that it just wasn't worth it. One couple split up because of it and the other two are still together but are resolutely monogamous again.

 

Good luck whatever you decide and please keep posting.

[DKT3]

These types of relationships can and do work well. They require several factors to be very strong. 1) trust 2) equally beneficial 3) balanced, both partners truly wanting the other to enjoy the sexual freedom.

 

I know OP hasn't given much information but what she has given shows some major weakness in those areas. She doesn't trust that her husband can do this without becoming emotionally vested in others, thus the limitations on him. She doesn't really seem interested in him enjoying the sexual freedom, it seems like more of her price to pay for hers. It's not balanced going in so it will fail, not May but will.

[IndigoNight]

My husband's first marriage was open, and they believed they had it all figured out. That was, until the day she asked for a divorce because she fell in love with someone else. He had NO clue it was coming, and was blindsided and felt betrayed by her. Why? Because she was deceptive until she had a new man ready on the side. He didn't even know she had been seeing the guy! So much for "We'll tell each other everything."

 

I've known lots of people (couples and individuals) involved in open relationships in some way. The only one that worked was a poly friend who was not in a relationship, but had frequent short term partners. She embraced "Free love" and still does. It works for her because she isn't in a committed relationship, and never has been. At any given time there are 5-6 people who live with her, all into free love and sharing. When they get tired of it, or change their mind, they move out, and someone else moves in.

 

Is it possible to succeed? Maybe, IF their is transparency and honesty, with absolute respect for one's partner. Unfortunately, the success rate seems pretty low. The problem, according to multiple studies, is that eventually someone lies, agreed to engage in it for the wrong reasons, or changes the rules to suit their needs, without considering their partner.

[elaine567]

Which makes our situation a little unique since me being with someone else is a turn on for him where as him being with someone else there's a good chance for an emotional bond.

 

Many men dismiss the female/female relationship as being of no threat to him, they trivialise it, it is just a bit of fun and a turn on, but the female/female relationship can turn out to be every bit as intense and deep as a female/male relationship and he needs to be well aware of that.

 

Also why would it be impossible for him to have a fwb locally? I don't get that.

He arranges to meet up with a local girl and walks out the door to have sex with her, why would that be impossible?

And if he is already going out of town on guy trips and conventions, how do you know he is not already cheating and merely wants to legitimise it?

 

YOU also need to be aware that many will suggest an open arrangement as they are bored with their spouse and want to start looking around for someone else (with permission).

It may not be a request coming from solid ground.

They just do not want to leave the safety of their marriage...yet.

Be very careful here.

[JHandy]

My wife is bi-sexual. She's more physically attracted to women but wants an emotional relationship with a man. And she is attracted to me. Though she has longings to "be with a woman" it's only sexual - physical.

 

I knew she was bi-sexual long before I married her. She opened up about it after we got married.

 

Now the thing about being a red blooded heterosexual guy married to a bi-woman is - and I'll be honest - the thought of frequent threesomes with another woman. When she and I originally talked openly about stuff i ran through several scenarios. Neither of us liked the idea of hall passes or open marriage. So then I asked her about threesomes. Again she didn't want that to my disappointment. . This is why I'm wondering about your husband just offering to have you go get an affair with a woman without him being there. Kinda odd.

 

The other thought is that he may feel inadequate so he's offering this to make you satisfied and fulfilled. You say you're good in the sex department with him. So that may not be as big of an issue.

 

But when he says you should consider having extramarital affairs with women on you're own tells me that there is a lot more going on. He may not be cheating now, but I get a feeling he's got something on deck.

 

With you and friends with benefits I have a huge concern. You already have platonic intimacy with friends. Including the intimacy of sex into that will potentially create a situation where you or her can fall in love. You cannot maintain your marriage when you fall in love with some one else. You're bi-sexual. You can just as easily fall in love with your friend as you did with your husband.

 

I do believe that a wife and a husband must be able to share EVERYTHING. if you have an affair and you fall in love and you attempt to hide those details along with the details of your coupling with women, you and your husband will go down different paths even if all he does is one night stands.

 

My wife and I watch lesbian theme movies and TV shows. We fantasize about her and another woman. I send her hot girl-girl themed stories and photos off the Internet occasionally to distraction her at work. We have a lot of fun. At times, we go to gentlemen clubs and enjoy the scenery while having drinks. She gets yoni massages at times so she can feel a woman's touch on her.

 

There are a lot of things the two of you can do together to bring a lot of enjoyment to this beautiful side of you. If you want to go further than my wife and I, you both could concuder looking for woman for dating on polyamory sites and you both can enjoy her together as she can enjoy you both. I think you can get what you may be yearning for without the lying and cheating and the guilt that comes from it. You both may even meet that special woman you both want to share the rest of your life with. Who knows. This way it's all equitable between you two and the person you are bringing into your lives.

 

I'll just say again, if you want something on the side, get a divorce and save the person you hook up with, yourself and him the hurt that will most likely come your way.

[Cephalopod]

Which makes our situation a little unique since me being with someone else is a turn on for him where as him being with someone else there's a good chance for an emotional bond.

 

Here is the problem though: it is much much easier for a woman to find a willing sex partner than it is for a man.

 

 

Once it becomes common knowledge that you and husband have an open marriage, the dogs will come sniffing. You will get five times the number of offers from men than your husband ever will from women, and you will have the option to sleep with many more partners than he. If you are good looking then that number will go up tenfold.

 

 

Would you really be able to control your feelings? You need to think long and hard about this. What on the off-chance you team up with a super-hot guy, with a body like Adonis and who is a monster in bed? What if he gets you off so hard that those love chemicals in your brain make you latch onto him and make you think twice about your husband's skills?

 

 

If you don't think this can happen you are deluding yourself. This has happened to many, many couples.

 

 

I think you are playing with fire. JMO.

[Steve51]

Go for it. He's not enough for you. You aren't enough for him. You both want to have sex with other people. You've tossed commitment out the window. You've opened the door for you to fall in love with another person and so has he.

 

Worse, for both him and yourself your "marriage" may just turn out to be only a cover for your true condition. You may end up with a preferred homosexual relationship that you want to hide by your marriage. But your new girlfriend may not like that plan.

 

How many people are you two going to hurt?

 

You both are no longer enough for each other and you both are asking for permission to cheat from each other. Sounds to me your marriage is over.

 

But go ahead. Get those affairs started. Seems like you've already decided to do it.

 

It's my belief all sexual experiences should be shared between you and him with no secrets.

 

Right on. Open marriages are like separations but instead of one moving out, they share the same home. It allows one or both spouses to look for someone else but have a security blanket at home. I could make a lot of money betting that open marriages, hot wife and cuckold relationships will not last long term. As my wife says, there is always someone better out there. Someone who you will fall in love with quickly, so why tempt fate by going out and meeting other people. I agree with her. I lived in a poly triad so I know that you can easily fall in love with more than one person, just as you love all family members without loving one and hating the others.

 

One quick story. I had sex with my secretary a long time ago. She set me up but I said OK. I fell in love with her in just 3 days and left my wife for her. Luckily I came to my senses and went back to my wife in a month. Rules, trust and strong marriage (how strong could it be) mean nothing when it comes to sex and love. Look at how many powerful and famous people were brought down due to love and sex. If those who have a lot more to lose than you will risk it all, so will you or your spouse.

[stillafool]

What I meant by not possible is he rarely goes out and on the off chance he does, the friends he's with would never understand our sistiation which would make him not act on it.

 

You don't have to go out (as in clubs, bars, etc.) to meet someone who attracts you sexually. As a matter of fact I doubt most people meet their sex partners by going out.

[stillafool]

Which makes our situation a little unique since me being with someone else is a turn on for him where as him being with someone else there's a good chance for an emotional bond.

 

You can also develop an emotional bond to a woman you have sex with. Ya never know.

[sandylee1]

@Steve51, how do you fall in love with someone in 3 days? I get like them a lot, but love?

 

I guess love is subjective.

[JHandy]

@Steve51, how do you fall in love with someone in 3 days? I get like them a lot, but love?

 

I guess love is subjective.

 

If you are missing something in you're relationship as the OP and her H are, and you have a moment of intense intimacy such as sex for a few days, you can feel infatuation for that person which many mistaken as love.

 

Once infatuation starts, the rational mind is no longer reliable.

 

These two people really need to connect and find where their common areas are and explore together from that common base. They will in the end get far more enjoyment than if they enact the hall pass open marriage myth.