Should I dig up the grave?

[Ann-Marita]

Should I dig up the grave where my husband said he buried our cat last week?

 

I suspect that he did NOT bury our cat. He probably didn't want to dig a hole big enough, so he made it look like he had done something (dug a little, fluffed up the dirt, and then put the dirt back with a stone on top), and then disposed of the body in some other way.

 

If he didn't do as he said, this would be part of a decades-long pattern of ignoring my wants/needs, unilaterally making decisions that affect us both, and telling me one thing, but doing another (or just never getting around to doing what he says).

 

If I dig up the supposed grave, and there's no cat casket (small/med box that Kitty was placed in carefully), I will probably feel betrayed, and/or ignored.

 

If I dig up the grave and find Kitty, then I've really shown how little I trust my husband. But at least I would know that husband DID what he said he would, in this case.

 

If I don't dig up the grave, I won't ever really know the truth.

 

None of these options are what I would call "good". I suppose the best I can hope for is that I learn from my experience, whatever that experience is.

 

I'm a first-time poster here. Please be nice.

[mikeylo]

Why were you not present ?

[Ann-Marita]

Kitty was put down late on a Saturday. By the time we got home, it was after dark and we couldn't dig the grave then. So I cleared out a small garage freezer and put Kitty (in his cat casket) in there. (Freezer has since been thoroughly cleaned.)

 

Coming home from the vet's, we talked about burying Kitty next to his BFF who died about a year ago and is buried in our back yard (which is large).

 

The next morning, I attended something that gives me comfort and strength. When I got home Sunday afternoon, I took a nap. I was sleeping about 3 - 4 hours a night that week, and needed rest. I don't remember why we didn't do the funeral that evening; it may have rained.

 

Monday came, and work. I started digging the hole on Monday before husband got home from work. But I didn't get far in the heat. And then I didn't ask him about the grave that evening because I feared he would think I was nagging him.

 

Tuesday is my longest day of work. Adding to the insomnia, I probably just collapsed when I finally got home and did little else that evening.

 

I think it was Wednesday when I discovered that the freezer was empty. I felt disappointed that I was not in attendance when Kitty was placed in the grave, but I told myself that, since our teen daughter was out of state with a friend's family, we would hold a ceremony when she got home (which we did).

 

I asked husband about it, and he said that, oh, yeah, he went ahead and buried Kitty. I dropped the subject. I chose to not let the fact that he hadn't allowed me to be present bother me - it's sad, hurtful, but not the end of the world.

 

BUT... something about the way he handled it, plus the grave being rather small... I began to suspect that, instead of following through on the plans that he and I had agreed to, he had taken a easy way out. I think he dug a small hole, fluffed up the dirt some, filled it back in, put a stone on top, and disposed of Kitty in the incinerator at work.

 

...

 

I think I've come up with an idea. I could use a knitting needle, or a kitchen skewer. Poke it in the dirt and see if I hit the cardboard box Kitty was in. The question is whether either of those items is both pointy enough to slip through loosened dirt, but NOT sharp enough to pierce the box without me noticing.

[Ann-Marita]

OK, I've found two different knitting needles and a kitchen skewer. Husband is at work until late afternoon.

 

After coffee and taking care of some morning responsibilities, I'm going to test them on some cardboard to see how easily they poke into it. I'll post my results.

[GunslingerRoland]

Yeah that is creepy AF keeping a pet cemetery in your back yard. I'm sure he cremated the cat like normal people do, you don't need to dig up the grave.

[Ann-Marita]

We have acreage. It's two cats that we loved very much, and who loved each other. We couldn't afford the cost of cremation - paying for him to be put out of his misery was honestly more than we had. Maybe you don't have any of those factors in your life. Perhaps you can find compassion for those who do, Roland.

 

I found the cat casket in the recycle bin while looking for cardboard. I think he buried Kitty without the box. That's why the grave is smaller than expected.

 

I do wish he had included me, but I'm convinced he didn't lie to me.

 

Thread over.

Edited July 26, 2017 by Ann-Marita