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My husband is so mean! How do I make him see it!


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Old 19th May 2005, 12:43 PM   #1
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My husband is so mean! How do I make him see it!

I was painting my fingernails and watching TV last night. My husband came in and laid down in the floor. Then he looked at me and said, "Geeze! Your arms are as big as mine!" I so go mad at him. That was such an ******* thing to say! So I didn't speak to him until bedtime. He said something about folding clothes, and I said, "I guess I'll take my fat arms and do the laundry." He laughed at me. I then said, "Why would you say something like that? I know where my flaws are! You don't have to point them out! I don't go around pointing at your problem spots!" He said, "That's because I already know where my flaws are."

I said, "You don't think I know where I'm fat? I hate my belly, my arms, and my cellulite legs!" He laughed at me. He acted like he could get off on me hating myself! I was so mad, I just had to show him how he made me feel. I said, "Maybe if you would give me oral sex once in a while, it would help you get rid of your second chin!" He has a double chin. He got quiet. I grinned really big like I was pleased with myself (even though I wasn't. I just wanted him to see how it hurt!) He said, "You're lucky you get anything at all, Tubba!"

We already have problems in the bedroom. He's turned me down twice in the last week. He likes his porn though. That makes it worse. How do I convince him that he's really damaging my self esteem? I get compliments every day. I used to believe it when someone complimented me, and I'd say thank you. Now if someone compliments me, I don't believe them. I think they must be stupid to think that I'm pretty. It's all my husband's fault
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Old 20th May 2005, 2:09 AM   #2
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It sounds like you have deeper rooted problems that him making fun of your "fat arms". If your relationship has reached the point were you are seeking ways to hurt each other then perhaps it is time for intervention.

You should consider marriage counseling. That may help you both with you issues. For all you know he has problems with his self esteem that you are aggrevating ... bit not realizing. Men are more blunt so you notice when he hurts you. You may not notice when a comment hurts him b/c he is less likely to express it to you.

Problems in the bedroom is a clear sign of larger problems. You two need to talk before this gets worse. But when you do talk to him try not to sound aggresive, be a peacemaker. See if it works. Ask him whats going on, why he turned you down. If it is your "fat arms" perhaps you shoud work to get rid of them. You do want him to find you attractive right? So put a little effort forth.
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Old 20th May 2005, 10:25 AM   #3
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I view it as that your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. For your significant other to insult you (the one who loves you) is not an act of love -- it is more of an act of "I feel down about myself, therefore, I will bring her down right along with me".

Even for you to have low self-esteem, doesn't give your husband the right to deliberately insult you, regardless how "deep" both your troubles are.

Yes, I agree you both need counseling -- however, I would advise you to go alone first and work on yourself. Then when you are ready, you both can do marraige counseling (if that is what you choose to do after you care for yourself).

It is hurtful to be rejected sexually and know simultaneously your husband is watching a sexual movie instead. Care for your wounds first. Work on yourself -- then if you have the ambition to work on your marraige, do so.
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Old 20th May 2005, 10:45 AM   #4
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You sound like Monday.
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Old 20th May 2005, 11:18 AM   #5
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Go to the gym and lose weight. Or get in shape...............for YOURSELF. Sounds like he gets off on keeping your sense of selfworth at a low level. That way,..HE is in control. Its a classic way of domination in a relationship. Abusive parents , wives,...and husbands use it all the time. It usually means that THEY are the ones who think poorly of THEMSELVES. You are fine. Although,..it does sound like you need some counciling. It would do you some good. Even if he refuses to go.
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Old 20th May 2005, 12:07 PM   #6
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I hate my arms. My husband has commented on them before and I've told him to, "F-Off." He doesn't comment anymore.

Tell him to STFU about your arms as long as he has is own imperfections. After that, ignore him. You're not children. He made a stupid comment, but let it go. When there's open communication in a relationship, sometimes things that shouldn't be said are. Don't make them a big issue - just drop it.
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Old 20th May 2005, 2:05 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by Pocky

Tell him to STFU about your arms as long as he has is own imperfections. After that, ignore him. You're not children. He made a stupid comment, but let it go. When there's open communication in a relationship, sometimes things that shouldn't be said are. Don't make them a big issue - just drop it.
I agree. You have to make a joke of it. He's only doing it for reaction and you're giving it to him. Either ignore him or throw a fun comment back at him!

If you're feeling down about yourself and need some self confidence - Seek some therapy or something. It could help you and make you feel better about YOU.
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Old 22nd May 2005, 10:05 PM   #8
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Men are imperfect just like we women are. Are you Miss perfect? No! Is he? No. Imperfect means we have flaws that make other people upset. He just said what he meant, he was honest. Just because he has flaws doesn't mean that he can't point out at yours. You're free to tell him whatever you want.
It didn't hurt him that you mentioned his second chin, but the sex thing. It seems that he is less attracted to you because of your figure. Why is it so hard for women to understand that guys like good-looking girls? They are not picky, but if you want him to be sexually attracted to you at least you owe him to try your best to be sexy.
What if you just told him: "Do you mind that I have big arms? You know I am aware of my faults, but tell me honestly are you no longer attracted to me or what?"
He was trying to tell you something, but he chose the wrong way. Instead of resolving things in an adult way, you get mad and fire back at him. You also chose the wrong way of defending yourself. You gain nothing by being hostile. You'll gain a lot by being sweet. The "dangerous" women are those who are sweet; they are the ones who are manipulative and turn everything around their little finger. The big-mouthed women who get offended by every word that's not in their favor are not very appreciated and often feel lonely and rejected. If you create a one-direction road with your partner, his thoughts and feelings will never get to you. You can dispute for ages whether you're right or not, but ask yourself: do you want your husband to love you or not? When things are broken, we should fix them, not throw them away. Marriage is all about fixing the bad things (the good things are already good, right?). It takes time, effort, energy, pain... but it's worth it. And all problems are stupid, meaningless, and both sides think they are 100% right. Be honest and tell him: "Honey, you hurt me when you say things like that!" That's the best way to make him say he is sorry and never say anything like that again.
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Old 22nd May 2005, 10:20 PM   #9
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I completley agree. People these days are too fast to throw in the towel on thier marriages b/c "thier husbands are mean". Well guess what honey, you're mean to him too!

Men DO like attractive women, and really are not picky. But when they see you let yourself they feel like you don't care enough about them to look good for them anymore. Then they start to feel bad, and lash out.

Like I said eariler, get rid of you fat arms, try to look good for him again ... the way you did when you met him. Don't do it for you ... if YOU wanted to do it you would have, do it for him, you're supposed to love him. Is he worth a few reps of free wights?
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Old 23rd May 2005, 10:42 AM   #10
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Its the WAY he said it.............hello?!?!? Saying "Geez,....your arms are as big as mine..." is HURTFUL. Sitting down and bringing it up as a serious topic is quite another. Your posts imply you wouldnt have taken offense to that,.....yeah right.
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Old 23rd May 2005, 11:43 AM   #11
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it'd empower alot of women if they cld just realise that yes, us guys have a serious reaction to an attractive figure... you have such an easy way to turn us on/win our affection! Simple stuff really...eat less, excersise more, don't stop after day 2!... Wish we had something that was basically as easy as that to win women round (or maybe us looking good does the same for you girls?) Anyone know a sensitive way of telling your woman that she's put on so much weight you don't find her sexy anymore? How on earth is that done???
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Old 23rd May 2005, 3:05 PM   #12
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Im not sure................but I CAN tell you that his was the WRONG way. How could being a huge smartass be the RIGHT way to tell her??????? And by the way pal............Quote((( Simple stuff really...eat less, excersise more, don't stop after day 2!... Wish we had something that was basically as easy as that to win women round )))endQuote

In order for you to make a statement like that,...you,..I assume,..have the body of a Greek God? Yeah,..like its THAT easy to have a sexy body. I am in good shape................and it AINT easy pal. And if we DO get a sexy body,...keep this in mind,.......its NOT for YOU. Its for US.
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Old 24th May 2005, 5:58 PM   #13
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Eat less...exercise more...THAT'S NOT EASY!!! Losing weight is the HARDEST thing that I've ever had to do

When you're craving a baked potatoe so badly you can taste it...or chocolate...saying no to your craving is the hardest freaking thing in the world. I hate salad...yet to lose weight, I have to eat lettuce.

And when do I have a chance to exercise? I could get up earlier, if I was physically able! Lately, I can't get out of bed for some reason! I hit snooze in my sleep

I only have an hour awake when I'm home, then my needy husband wants me to come to bed I guess I could spend the ONE hour that I have to relax exercising
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Old 25th May 2005, 9:10 AM   #14
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There's a great way you could lose something on the order of 200lbs.....all at once!

Seriously, don't let him talk to you that way. People will treat you like you let them. And it doesn't matter what the particular flaw is that they're picking at you about. You could lose ALL the weight, and be svelte tomorrow.....and he'd still find something to b*tch about.

He wasn't entering into honest discussion. He was taking a pot-shot at you. Maybe he just wanted to make you mad, so you'd leave him time alone to bond with his porn. Maybe he's just sharing a foul mood.

Next time he makes a comment like that, and lays a ticking time-bomb in your lap....de-fuse it with humor. When he said "you're arms are as big as mine", you might have winked at him and said, "yeah, but your brother doesn't seem to mind!". Then laugh, and if he gets mad say very sweetly, "but honey, I was just teasing you a little....like you were teasing me, right?".

Keep him off-balance, and don't allow him to predict your reactions. He'll have to dig alot deeper to p*ss you off when his first attempt fails. And when he does 'go-the-extra-mile', you'll be able to see it for what it is.....and hopefully what he's up to.

Is there any merit to the idea that men find thinner women more sexually attractive? Yeah, probably. But women tend to find men with nice Manners and great personalities more sexually attractive, and unfortunately your husband doesn't seem terribly concerned about THAT. So you're at a bit of a stalemate.

Shake it up, so that the relationship doesn't stay this way. Failure to resolve the issues will lead to resentment on BOTH sides, and it will become almost totally adversarial in nature.
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Old 25th May 2005, 2:27 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally posted by stuckbloke
it'd empower alot of women if they cld just realise that yes, us guys have a serious reaction to an attractive figure... you have such an easy way to turn us on/win our affection! Simple stuff really...eat less, excersise more, don't stop after day 2!... Wish we had something that was basically as easy as that to win women round (or maybe us looking good does the same for you girls?) Anyone know a sensitive way of telling your woman that she's put on so much weight you don't find her sexy anymore? How on earth is that done???
You just gave me one more motive to lose the 10 lbs I've been planning on doing for the last 6 months. Thanks, pal!
No, I don't know any sensitive way of telling a woman that she's put on so much weight you don't find her sexy anymore. You can use any way actually... and be ready for a long-term war!
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