Banker14 Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 Hi guys, I've been with my boyfriend a year now. We are in a sort of long distance relationship as he is away for work for a week and then back for a week and we'll spend the whole week together. He has an insatiable sex drive which I can't keep up with especially on weekdays when I work and when I come home I just want to unwind. He'll make comments about how he's not getting enough attention (sexual or otherwise) and then says he's only joking, which I find really passive aggressive. I think it's true that I hold off on the affection I show him a lot more than I did in the beginning of our relationship and that's because any affection will just result in him being horny and then I feel like I have to have sex with him to keep him satisfied even though I'm not in the mood for it, which in turn makes me resent him. I don't feel like we don't have enough sex in any way shape or form, we'll have sex 4 or 5 times a week and sometimes more than once a day during the week that he's home, but it just never seems enough. On my days off he'll just lay in bed in the morning, and it feels like he's just waiting to have sex, because on the mornings that we do have sex he'll shoot up out of bed ready to get on with his day. Recently we had sex twice in one day and maybe an hour later he was horny again, and just lay there with his eyes closed and kept urging me "to do something". I don't know why but I find this really offputting. So I responded that he's not exactly sex starved to which he replied "so you can come as many times as you want but I've a limit" and "I would sort you out any time you wanted" I can't help but take this as an attack firstly because I never ask him to sort me out ever and I never implied that he there was a limit. I also find the "I would sort you out any time" a really manipulating comment. This all really bothers me because I'm being really hard on myself in thinking that maybe I should make more of an effort to satisfy him every time he wants but on the other hand I feel like us demands are becoming inconsiderate ? I don't know, what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 Have you talked to him, with some sort of calm pre-prepared thoughts so it doesn't turn into sniping? 'Cause yeah, it sounds like he's being a bit demanding and the passive-aggressive stuff on his part isn't helping. Even trying to point you towards resources for people with lower libidos than their partners doesn't seem helpful because your frequency is already way beyond the kind of thing they're aimed at helping with. It's not a bad thing to have sex occasionally when you weren't really in the mood (as long as you weren't seriously against it) but if that amount is building up to way too much and making sex feel like a burden that will continue to deteriorate things between the two of you. He also REALLY needs to allow for physical affection and cuddling that doesn't necessarily lead to sex every single time, or that will, again, become something that builds up and makes physical contact feel unpleasant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 That does sound like a bit of a mismatch. Although, I will say that it certainly doesn't sound like you are being all that unreasonable in what you are requesting. Perhaps, he needs to find something else to spend his time during his weeks at home. It's hard when one partner is "on holidays" and has no demands on their time while the other partner is working. Does he have friends or go to the gym... he needs something else to distract him Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 an hour later he was horny again, and just lay there with his eyes closed and kept urging me "to do something". I don't know why but I find this really offputting. Wait, that didn't make your panties moist? Geez , women these days just don't have any respect for romance, do they? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 Four or five times a week doesn't seem like a lot of sex to me. Not close to being an overwhelming or demanding amount of sex. He does need to realize you need to be in the mood for sex. Both of you need to do what it takes to create that environment and mood rather than sex being an expectation or a chore. Four or five times a week is within the normal range. Less sex or thinking you're incompatible is not the answer here. It's important to keep the fires lit at home. The consequences of not doing so are well documented on this site. Just have to talk about it and find a way to make it pleasant for both of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 (edited) You say he is away at times, perhaps that makes the times more urgent. Every day is a good amount (well to me). Twice a day early in a relationship on some days seems not unexpected in the first year or two of any new relationship. There is a fine line here - the "I dont feel like it" is one of those fine lines you should be careful of. Obviously if your worn out from work, sick, or just had sex, or he is being rude A-Hole, you have a point. Your not in the mood ! On the other hand - a loving relationship (romantic or family member) is doing alot of things you "dont feel like" doing because you care about someones happiness and well being. I think thats kind of what he was saying "he would take care of you" if you wanted it. That could mean sex - to cleaning the toilet and making you soup when your sick. To give you another example I have used is if I lost the ability to have an erection (say accident, or cancer, or something bad) and had no feeling down there - I would still be happy to take care of my wife when she needed some lovin's - hands, mouth, vibrator. Its what -10 20 mins of your time ? to give you partner a warm fuzzy. Not everything has to be PIV either. Assuming they are otherwise a good partner to you - value that. Edited July 19, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 Recently we had sex twice in one day and maybe an hour later he was horny again, and just lay there with his eyes closed and kept urging me "to do something". Seriously? If he is the one with the high sex drive, and wants more sex.... Why is he asking you to "do something". He should be romancing, and enticing you. Do something? Yeah when I want sex, usually giving my husband a BJ is enough of a hint.... Maybe he needs to seduce you rather than ask you to "do something". Wait, that didn't make your panties moist? Geez , women these days just don't have any respect for romance, do they? exactly. Personally, I am in a bit of a sex miss match relationship myself (I am higher drive). So I put in a bit of extra work, add some seduction, texts throughout the day to set the mood, try to cater to his emotional as well as physical needs... And sometimes accept that I am plain horny when he isn't. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Banker14 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Share Posted July 19, 2017 After reading all your comments I decided to bring it up and he said he's 100% happy with me and how much we have sex. He also apologised for being passive aggressive and said he hadn't realise how much he does it. Any other time I tried talking about it we were in the same room and he'd just change the subject but now he's away and I just messaged him about it so maybe it took seeing it in written form for it to really sink in. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 If I had to hazard a guess (and I will), I'd say 1-2X per day is the frequency that most men would prefer, especially early in a relationship. So I don't see him as unreasonable, but, at the same time, I think he's being a little immature in the way he's approaching it. I get where he's coming from. I used to do the same thing. On days my W and I didn't work and were home together, my day didn't really start until we had sex. I'd put everything on hold waiting for her to be "ready" to have sex. Most women are lower drive then men, and have no idea how pressing the desire is to have sex when you're attracted to someone. I've been with my W for 14 years, if she told me tomorrow that "as many times as I wanted because she's horny" I'd probably go for it 3X a day. It's the valuable to most men and some women. There's really nothing to compare it to, but perhaps a reasonable analogy is the way you feel when your starving and out with friends, and everyone keeps deciding to go to the next store to shop instead of out to eat. The only thing you can think about is food, until you get it, you won't be able to enjoy the shopping or really anything else. It's not because your fat, it's not because you're a glutton. It's because your hungry. That's as close as I can get to describing the male sex drive, it's always there, it's always pressing on us, and it does, to a very large extent, control our actions. My suggestion, offer up something else. Sex is really not that big a deal; it doesn't take that long, it feels good, and it should be, if nothing else, fun and relaxing. Or move on to find someone who's lower drive. But look at the posts here, the drive that your man is showing isn't "off the wall". It's pretty normal. A high drive guy (me) might want sex 3-4X per day. A low drive guy maybe 3-4X a week. But no man I've ever met meets the criteria for "low drive" that a lot of women seem to meet (a few times a year would be perfect for a lot of women). That's just not us, it's not in our make up. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 Well, it is SOME men, we've even had some post here... unfortunately they usually get laughed at and driven off and told they're not real men, making it hard for them to get help and support. Even the dead bedroom community mostly focuses in on LL men as being horribly broken somehow, rather than considering them part of the range of variation. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Hi guys, I've been with my boyfriend a year now. We are in a sort of long distance relationship as he is away for work for a week and then back for a week and we'll spend the whole week together. He has an insatiable sex drive which I can't keep up with especially on weekdays when I work and when I come home I just want to unwind. He'll make comments about how he's not getting enough attention (sexual or otherwise) and then says he's only joking, which I find really passive aggressive. I think it's true that I hold off on the affection I show him a lot more than I did in the beginning of our relationship and that's because any affection will just result in him being horny and then I feel like I have to have sex with him to keep him satisfied even though I'm not in the mood for it, which in turn makes me resent him. I don't feel like we don't have enough sex in any way shape or form, we'll have sex 4 or 5 times a week and sometimes more than once a day during the week that he's home, but it just never seems enough. On my days off he'll just lay in bed in the morning, and it feels like he's just waiting to have sex, because on the mornings that we do have sex he'll shoot up out of bed ready to get on with his day. Recently we had sex twice in one day and maybe an hour later he was horny again, and just lay there with his eyes closed and kept urging me "to do something". I don't know why but I find this really offputting. So I responded that he's not exactly sex starved to which he replied "so you can come as many times as you want but I've a limit" and "I would sort you out any time you wanted" I can't help but take this as an attack firstly because I never ask him to sort me out ever and I never implied that he there was a limit. I also find the "I would sort you out any time" a really manipulating comment. This all really bothers me because I'm being really hard on myself in thinking that maybe I should make more of an effort to satisfy him every time he wants but on the other hand I feel like us demands are becoming inconsiderate ? I don't know, what do you guys think? It doesn't make any difference if you are male or female, you cannot make yourself have a higher sex drive and the other person wanting more sex feels you are inconsiderate and you feel they are inconsiderate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Banker14 Posted July 20, 2017 Author Share Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) I feel like 3 4 times a day doesn't leave much room for any other activities together, because although you say it doesn't take that long it takes at least an hour, and our day would just end up revolving around sex which in turn would make it lose its appeal. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex, but I also like doing other things with my boyfriend, I like when sex is spontaneous not routine..if that makes sense to anyone. Edited July 20, 2017 by Banker14 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Big question....how old are you two? That is a big factor. Having sex 4 to 5 times a week, and more than once a day is pretty common for couples in their late teens and early twenties, particularly when they have only been together one year....just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Banker14 Posted July 20, 2017 Author Share Posted July 20, 2017 I'm 25 and he's 24 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I feel like the question of frequency is a secondary issue here. His passive approach of just asking you for sex would be off-putting to almost everyone. You would probably want more sex with him if he had a better understanding of what makes women tick. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 4 to 5 timed a week is crazy. My ex wanted it once every couple months and I had to pursue having it. Your guy is asking to much from you. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 No, 4-5 times a week isn't crazy at all. That's "once on most days but not every single day" which is perfectly reasonable for a lot of people. Now, when you've already had sex twice in one day and your partner complains that you're not doing enough, THAT'S when I think he's asking a bit much... Perhaps its all a matter of perspective! Anyway it seems like the OP has already had a talk with her bf, so our debating it is a bit irrelevant. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 IMHO, you two should be going at it like bunnies with how new your relationship is and your ages. If I were him, at 24 and 25, I would punt this relationship to the curb. If your already having a sex issue 1 yr in, then in 10 yrs and after a couple of kids, he will be getting it on his anniversary and Valentines day. Be honest and tell him what the future looks like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 4 to 5 timed a week is crazy. My ex wanted it once every couple months and I had to pursue having it. Your guy is asking to much from you. 4-5 times a week is not crazy. My husband and I averaged more than that for many years (well over 5). If I am lucky, we will have sex 4-5 times in a week still, over 15 years later (it's Thursday and we are up to 3!). Your ex was gay, not a good reference point. Shortly after we started dating (early 20's) my now husband moved 500 miles away for a job. I would see him 2-3 times a month, for 3-4 days at a time. We would have sex like rabbits during those times together, as the time apart made our desire that much stronger. If this guy is away for a week at time I understand his drive - but he needs to do.a better job arousing his partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I'm more like Overtaxed....and....wait for it.....I'm a woman. Yes, that was a disturbance in the force and the sound of pigs wings you just felt/heard lol However, when I am in the mood, I kiss, flirt, take his hand and pull him toward "the room" lol. Or he does the same. I don't lay there and whine. I agree that the real issue here is his passive - not to be mean - effeminate approach to "asking" for sex. And an HOUR every time? That man needs to learn the beauty of the quickie lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 An hour making love to the person you claim to love. Four or five times per week. Maybe twice a day on the weekends. The horror! Just too much! At 24 and 25 years old. smh At 24 years old, I would probably be upset if I wasn't getting twice that much sex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 An hour making love to the person you claim to love. Four or five times per week. Maybe twice a day on the weekends. The horror! Just too much! At 24 and 25 years old. smh At 24 years old, I would probably be upset if I wasn't getting twice that much sex. I was thinking she meant an hour 4 or 5 times a DAY. I don't have that much time lol Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 A sexually fulfilling relationship is a two way street. No other way around it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 It doesn't really matter how many times a day week or month WE think is good or right or average or bad, it is what YOU think is good or right or average or bad that is important. If YOU feel he is being unreasonable or inconsiderate or disrespectful or that his demands for sex are eating away into your time, or that his demands for sex 3-4 times a day are making sex into a routine "chore", then that is the way you feel and no-one here should really try to persuade you otherwise. I feel like 3-4 times a day doesn't leave much room for any other activities together, because although you say it doesn't take that long it takes at least an hour, and our day would just end up revolving around sex which in turn would make it lose its appeal. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex, but I also like doing other things with my boyfriend, I like when sex is spontaneous not routine..if that makes sense to anyone There are few things less sexy than what he is doing here, tell him to shape up or he needs to ship out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Banker14 Posted July 22, 2017 Author Share Posted July 22, 2017 @MidKnightDreams, I wasn't complaining that we're having "too much" sex, my issue was that no matter HOW much sex we have it never seems to be enough. I offered numbers in order to give people a general idea. Furthermore his way of asking for more is completely off putting, which is probably the root of the problem here because I see it as being lazy and I fear that if this type of behaviour is accepted it will become a habit down the line and he'll no longer deem it necessary to make an effort to set the tone. And the last thing anyone wants is to feel like their partner isn't bothered making an effort any more, himself included. Everyone's opinions were extremely useful so thank you for that! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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