Need guidance

[Jweeksg24]

Dont know where to start or thought i would ever be posting on anything like this but.... having a problem... im pretty sure my wife hates me?

 

I am 28

She is 29

We have been together for years and got married back in march and since then its all been downhill. She will not talk to me all day while at work if i initiate the conversation she has nothing to say and just sits blankly on the phone. I cant have an in person conversation with her because she will still sit blankly and listen but have no input, or just roll her eyes, she wont do anything with me(go on dates or hikes or anything a couple does) i mean all flirting period has stopped, all conversation, she wont say i love you first, she wont initiate any physical attribute either i literally have to do everything first to get no response or a one word response even if i show up with 30-48 of her favorite flowers and gifts and surprise her dont even get a thank you she just takes them no matter how sweet i am or how hard i try to please her it doesnt seem to work i try to tell her how this makes me feel and how she is the complete opposite of how she is with any other person in the world and she says nothing is wrong im her soulmate blah blah or says take it or leave it.. i mean its to the point where i feel like im with an emotionless stranger who hates me, unless were having sex, sorry to be blunt.

 

And to check off before the comments flood;

 

Not having an affair(know for a fact)

Not stressed at work(is a stay at home)

Not sexual displeased

[alsudduth]

And to check off before the comments flood;

 

Not having an affair(know for a fact)

Not sexual displeased

 

How do you know these things?

[mikeylo]

Any undiagnosed health issue if you are 100% sure of the other 3. Why are sure about her hating you? Why does she hate you? What did you do ?

[GorillaTheater]

She stays at home and won't do anything with you, and I'm wondering whether she does anything at all. What does she do with her time? Any kids? Offhand, it kind of sounds like depression.

[Jweeksg24]

No health issues, i havent cheated or lied or been an ******* so she has no reason to hate me, we have 2 kids 2 and 4 but things didnt change because of them they changed when we got married and no she doesnt do anything at all beaides take the kids places like the park and swimming, i dont spend long hours at work i go from 6:30-3 so idk im lost

[GorillaTheater]

It might be time to gut up and lay your cards on the table.

 

 

"I'm not okay with how things are going in our marriage. I'm tired of being treated like a person you can barely tolerate. I want to work with you any way I can to improve the situation, and a good place to start is marriage counseling. I've set up an appointment with ___________. I appreciate that you're here with the kids all day and I want to know how I can help more with the kids if you're feeling overwhelmed, maybe explore whether depression is playing a role, and a counselor can help us with that. I love you and want to make this work, but I need to see that you want to make this work and are willing to do your share to see that it does, because the way things are isn't working for me."

 

 

Then shut up and see what she's willing to do. You'll have to decide whether it's enough and you need to be willing to make a hard decision if it's not.

[Jersey born raised]

Hidden assumptions are marriage killers. Even if you have lived together for years, living together and being married are two different things.

 

If she will not go to MC, then you go and use it as an IC. "His needs, Her needs" and "5 love Languages" are commonly suggested.

[Jersey born raised]

You might want to look into postnatal issues. It can be far more complex and long term then you most realize.

 

Also the age of your children 4 & 2. You really need to step up helping with them. Yes I don't know you but you are out of the house 5 days a week for at least 8 hours. Try to give her 2 hours a day with no kid responsibility. Which does not mean GNO, hell no to that.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[standtall]

She rolls her eyes? that is a big red flag for contempt and lack of respect for you. If she hasn't already checked out of the marriage, then i would start doing a 180. Women do not love men they do not respect, and it doesn't sound like she respects you.

[Ahurtgirl]

She needs more sleep. Are you helping at night with the kids and taking care of the kids on weekends in the morning so she can sleep in? Helping her get more sleep and pampering her will help bring back love.

[Jweeksg24]

Of course i help take care of the kids she sleeps 8-12 hrs a day much more than i do

[BetrayedH]

She rolls her eyes? that is a big red flag for contempt and lack of respect for you. If she hasn't already checked out of the marriage, then i would start doing a 180. Women do not love men they do not respect, and it doesn't sound like she respects you.

 

I would agree that there is hidden resentment brewing about something. It could simply be that she expected more out of life, more freedom, more money, more fun, more challenges, a career and instead she is 4 years into a rather hum-drum phase of life that seems like it's going to go on for another 16. Maybe it's not your fault but you wouldn't be the first man quietly blamed for not manning up and providing all that she desires.

 

I agree with a previous poster about scheduling MC. Find one. Take charge and make the plans for you both to be able to attend weekly for the foreseeable future. Insist that the status quo is not sustainable and if you really hit a brick wall, indicate that if you're going to cancel this appt then you consider her checked-out and you'll just schedule your own appt with a family law attorney instead.

 

Unresolved resentment doesn't go away on its own and leads to contempt. Then you can welcome yourself to the 50% of the population that is divorced. They say marriage takes hard work. This is what they were talking about. Take a stance and insist that it's resolved before YOU are resentful, detached, and breeding contempt.

[d0nnivain]

Sleeping 12 hours a day is bad. Have you asked her if she's depressed?

 

 

Has she always been a SAHM or is that new since the marriage? Maybe it's not working for her & she'd be more fulfilled if she had a job.

 

 

Somehow you have to get her to talk about what she wants / expects.

[Jweeksg24]

I would agree that there is hidden resentment brewing about something. It could simply be that she expected more out of life, more freedom, more money, more fun, more challenges, a career and instead she is 4 years into a rather hum-drum phase of life that seems like it's going to go on for another 16. Maybe it's not your fault but you wouldn't be the first man quietly blamed for not manning up and providing all that she desires.

 

I agree with a previous poster about scheduling MC. Find one. Take charge and make the plans for you both to be able to attend weekly for the foreseeable future. Insist that the status quo is not sustainable and if you really hit a brick wall, indicate that if you're going to cancel this appt then you consider her checked-out and you'll just schedule your own appt with a family law attorney instead.

 

Unresolved resentment doesn't go away on its own and leads to contempt. Then you can welcome yourself to the 50% of the population that is divorced. They say marriage takes hard work. This is what they were talking about. Take a stance and insist that it's resolved before YOU are resentful, detached, and breeding contempt.

 

We have plenty of money that she can do anything she wants, everythings paid for because ive busted my ass for the past 10 years to get where i am, she has freedom to do whatever she wants always has, i try to do things with her but everything we used to do together is an automatic no and trying new things is ridiculous i mean she can go and do whatever everyday but she stays in bed or on the couch with her nook and just does enough to keep kids occupied and off her case, she refused the idea of counseling.. because thats what she went to school for, last thing i want to do is threaten her with divorce but its getting beyond ridiculous.

[mikeylo]

Since she won't tell what is the issue , you can't resolve it. The only thing you can do is continue to live your life , do the 180 and unfortunately wait. She might blow up sooner or later. Give yourself a time line. If nothing changes then you have a decision to make.

[BaileyB]

Her behavior is extreme. Something is definitely going on for her... But, if she refuses to tell you what it is, there is not much you can do except live your life and divorce her if things don't change.

 

It is very unusual for things to change so dramatically, so quickly.

Edited July 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[xenawarriorprincess]

"She says take it or leave it..."

 

That is a very disrespectful thing to say to a spouse. What that means to me is that she wants you to accept her awful behavior and she doesn’t have to make any effort to be decent because if you stay then ultimately it’s your choice since you decided to “take it”. Well…..my suggestion is the next time she says something like that to you, you should respond with…”If your attitude doesn’t change I will consider “leaving it” because this is NOT what I signed up for….plenty of fish in the sea”. Also, cut off all of the gift giving and the presents; she clearly hasn’t earned them. Do not reward bad behavior.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jweeks, from what you have had to say about her daily routine she seems to be depressed. Only a depressed person would sleep in bed all day or lounge on the couch. Does she do any housework? Does she cook? Does she have a bath and change her clothes and primp up or does she just let things go and not take care of herself? It is not long since you have been married but apparently you two have been living together for a long time considering the age of your elder son. How did she behave with you prior to the actual marriage? Was she lively and interested in things and completely different from what she is today?

 

You have a lot on your plate but you have to take proactive steps to check whether your wife is actually in the depths of depression or not. Warm wishes.