my job is killing us

[4givrnt4gtr]

So, I currently have a job that is very stressful, across the country from where my husband and I used to live and where all our family and friends are. I have a four year countract which I cant break. Thankfully I am already halfway thru.

 

My husband has come with me for this job thinking he could find a job in his line of work here but has not been able to. In the meantime he has picked up a side job and helps me a ton around the house. We are also struggling with infertility so we are undergoing treatment.

Between hating my job, the infertility and maybe a tendency towards depression I sure am a joy to be around.

 

I try not to but I guess I complain a lot and though he tries, its not like my husband can change anything. I feel bad and try to hold it back but sometimes I feel so bad I cant help it. Specially when I have to work hours and days Im not supposed to. He feels bad for me and constantly says he wishes he could take up the burden for me.

 

I'm afraid he is getting sick of it though. Today we were going for another infertility treatment and he told me that if it doesnt work again he is gonna look for a job back in our hometown. That means he might leave in the next few months, leaving me alone in a city I dont have any support system to rely on, with a job I hate.

 

It hurt me to hear him say it cuz it made me feel like he is just itching to get away. On the one hand I get he wants his career and life back but the reality is that I took this job so he could work freelance without worrying about finances and now that he doesnt like it it feels like he wants to jump ship leaving me behind.

 

This whole thing made me feel so alone, and I cant help but think its because I have been feeling so depressed with all these things that he just cant take it anymore. He told me he feels like he cant make me happy being here so he wants to try by getting a stable job so once Im out of the contract I dont have to work so hard. I hate to say but it sounded like bs to me. Specially because I still got two years to go.

 

I dont know, I just feeel so alone and like its my fault for not being able to handle everything stoically.

AmI overreacting?

[Mrs. John Adams]

In times of hardship the secret is to go toward each other instead of pulling away from each other.

Make every effort to assure him of your unwavering love and appreciation.

 

Make sure he knows. The only time me in our married life that we did not pull together was the time we almost lost us. I doubted his love. Make sure he knows that you love and need him.

 

I know infertility is a very stressful situation... but you have so much on your plate right now that maybe you could postpone trying to conceive for awhile.

 

Maybe you should concentrate on each other for a while.

 

You have a job you hate with unbearable hours and he has not found a job plus you are trying to have a baby.

 

I think it's too much stress not too mention that your hormones are probably also increased to helping with pregnancy.

 

Cling to each other and remember what's the most importance thing... the two of you

 

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you so much for your response Mrs Adams. It was very validating and supportive. I appreciate it. You are right, we have to stick together. Im nervous my hisband is feeling too overhwlemed by it all and wants out.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Any of these issues alone would be very stressful; all together at once would be overwhelming for anyone.

 

I went back through some of your previous threads and have a few questions:

 

How is your husbands anxiety issue? Do you think the desire to move back is another manifestation of the same issue, or he really believes moving back would help your marriage?

 

Where are you both at with your original plan that he would focus on his writing and take care of the kids while you're under contract? It seems like he changed his mind that this was what he wanted at some point along the way, and that may be driving part of his unhappiness in your current location. Everyone is entitled to a change of heart, but I'm wondering how the fertility treatments/ possible child you are trying to conceive fit in within the new life plan.

 

Some people are able to manage to make long distance relationships work for a long period of time, but if I were in your shoes I would also question the motivation behind his desire to move away. It doesn't sound like the lack of steady employment is causing serious financial issues where something has to give, so the job argument is more about his ego/ career/ happiness than what is best for your marriage.

 

I have a hard time believing that adding long distance to your list of issues is going to make your marriage stronger. Two years is a long time to be apart and in your shoes I would also have anxiety that it was the first step towards a divorce. You made the decision to join the military together as a couple- this is the reality of military life and I think it is reasonable for you to want him to keep up his end of the commitment by staying by your side until your contract is over. If you feel the same- I think you need to be very very clear that you want for him to stay. Having the long distance option on the table as a reasonable solution when it is not something you are truly comfortable with is a bad idea because it gives him an alternate reality to fantasize about where the grass is always greener, while fueling your anxiety, and distracts you both from finding solutions to help you both be happier where you are. Marriage counseling might be a good idea to help you communicate this and navigate the current stressors in a way that brings you closer together.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with the infertility issues on top of this. I would encourage you to hold off on trying to conceive for now until you and your husband are on the same page about how you see your future. I'm no medical expert but I wonder if the stress you are under is contributing to the problem.