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In reconciliation, no sex yet.....


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Long story short. Been together with my now ex-wife since 2001. Married in 2003. I'm 34, she is 33. We have 2 kids. We divorced in July 2016 and lived apart. She told me she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I found out 3 months ago she really divorced me for AP, that I had no clue was happening during our marriage. I had my suspicions, but never had any concrete evidence. Well, the affair ended this past January.

 

Here is how it went. February we started talking and hanging out, March I got a call from a woman and it was AP wife, that's when I originally found out. Apparently, my exwife was in communication with the AP wife and she begged her not to tell me. I guess because we were talking and I was her plan B. Anyway, we're in couples counseling and doing ok. She is starting individual counseling soon and she has been staying over a lot.

 

However we haven't been intimate yet. It concerns me. I know all the details of the affair and at times I think I know too much. I know she is a very sexual person and I've only seen a little of that side of her ever. She refuses to be that way with me. She says I'm trying to force it and I need to let it happen naturally. I just don't get it. If she is remorseful and realizes cheating on me and divorcing me and splitting up our family was a mistake why will she not sleep with me?

 

Could she be playing me or using me? Her and the kids have stayed over the past two nights and she slept in my bed and absolutely nothing has happened. I'm so frustrated. Towards the end of our marriage we were more friends/roommates because she wasn't interested in sex. I do not want a relationship with her if it's going to be the same way but so far it feels just like before. What should I do? Thanks

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Hi,

 

Glad you are working on your marriage and being positive.

 

Is she is a very sexual person, soon she will start having sex with you.

 

Just do simple stuff in bed without being pushy and it´ll work.

 

Hopefully she is not seeing the AP still, if that´s the case it´ll be harder for her to be with you.

 

Best of luck to you both!

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somanymistakes

How do you know she is really a very sexual person, if she almost never showed that side of herself to you and your marriage fell apart because you were like roommates with no sexual attraction?

 

Is it just because you know she did some sexual things in the affair?

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Dude Wake up

She divorced you for her ap

She blamed you for many things

She was unhappy because she was happy with her ap

 

She is using you

Please find another woman You are already divorced Which is a good thing.

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Dude post in infidelity forum

You are too nice

You will get more help And post full story

And you will understand that how to take control of everything.

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Sounds to me like she lost her attraction to you somewhere along the line. Sexual or not, once this happens, a woman feel dead having sex with you. Most are not as mechanical as men about sex. They have to be feeling it and also be attracted. Just keep going to the counselor and hopefully the truth will all come out at least and then you'll know what to do.

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I hate to be the one to tell you, but this isn't going to end well. I really think you need to stay divorced, cut the ties and find a person that you can trust and is interested in you.

 

As you said, you are plan B until another plan A comes along, or returns.

 

Best of luck to you.

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She has showed you exactly what she thinks of you. You'd be WAY happier with someone that is honest and actually attracted to you. Why sign up for more heartache with her? There are women who will love you, not cheat on you, and want to have sex with you. Quit torturing yourself and move on.

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You are 34, you cannot spend the rest of your life with a woman who doesn't love you. She is using you.

She doesn't want to have sex with you, maybe never really did, if you never really witnessed the sexual side of her.

Her affair went sour and she comes back to Good Old John.

 

You are too young to put up with this.

Be a great co parent to your kids, and find a woman who does love you and wants to have sex with you.

Life is too short to put up with the counselling, the triggers and the mind movies...

Fair enough if she was totally on board with reconciliation, but she obviously isn't.

Cut your losses.

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That burst of similar opinions... should be enough for you to dump her like a bad habit.

 

Don't go back there. She was still trying to cover her A** when she was talking to the OM's wife.

 

Why in the world would you consider going back with this woman.

 

BTW, if she was the least bit attracted to you she would be banging your brains out right now, SHE IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE.

 

Why would you settle for seconds when there are some many women out there that you can be with. At 34, you have some much life left.

 

Stop wasting money on counseling and send her on down the road. If OM got free from his wife for 5 minutes she would be banging him again...

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I know she is a very sexual person and I've only seen a little of that side of her ever. She refuses to be that way with me. She says I'm trying to force it and I need to let it happen naturally. I just don't get it. If she is remorseful and realizes cheating on me and divorcing me and splitting up our family was a mistake why will she not sleep with me? Could she be playing me or using me? Her and the kids have stayed over the past two nights and she slept in my bed and absolutely nothing has happened. I'm so frustrated. Towards the end of our marriage we were more friends/roommates because she wasn't interested in sex.

 

If you could ... get it ... then it would change your life forever.

 

Your story is very common. Happens with shocking regularity.

 

Understanding what happened here and why requires a paradigm shift. A fundamental change in underlying assumptions and behavior. Which leads to solutions.

 

You won't find what you need here. For various reasons.

 

Search for it. Find the answers, do what you need to do, and your world changes.

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Could she be playing me or using me?

 

Definitelly. Why wouldn't she? You willingly eat all of her crap and cooperate with this *****.

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Usually sex problems don't get fix or resolved without intentional actions. Letting it resolve itself... Well... Usually ends up in a sexless marriage and at least one person having an affair....

At which point the couple.... What am I telling you all of this stuff for...

You lived it.... Now... Your ready to sign up to do it all over again... With everything starting to play out the same way...

It takes radical intentional effort by both partners to significantly change things...

So far...

Why is she really there with you???

For how long?

Why do you expect this go around to be radically different? Are you a significantly different person? Is she a radically different person? How and Why?

Rinse... Repeat...

Insanity... Doing the same thing over and over agIn and expecting different results.

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Do not remarry her until the sex issues are fixed.

 

Stop the sleep overs for it sends the message that you

will accept not getting sex.

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It didn't work out with AP, and she doesn't want to be alone. So being in a marriage where you're more like friends is a better option to her than being alone and struggling. You're familiar. your life together is familiar .

 

 

But she'll just find someone else to cheat on you with eventually because you guys are more friends than romantic partners.

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Your disinterest in the prospect of divorce is precisely what she is counting on for room and board. She knows you won't leave so she's quite content with a half marriage.

 

Please see a lawyer (don't tell her you have been in contact or share the contents of your meeting with her) so you have some information about what the divorce process involves and what your life will be like if you divorce.

 

I'm not suggesting you divorce her. But knowledge is power. You need some power as she is exercising all of it now. Which keeps you as Plan B.

Which is not a good place to be.

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She doesn't love you.

 

She is not attracted to you.

 

She doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

Which part are you having trouble understanding?

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"She refuses to be that way with me. She says I'm trying to force it and I need to let it happen naturally"

 

As someone who is in a low sex marriage (mostly - with brief bouts of good) I have heard something similar from my formally high libido (with other men) wife.

 

She is just not that into you.

 

You are divorced and attempting to reconcile. 99% probability she will never find her drive with you. 1% chance if you can dominate and control the situation right now - toss her to curb (your already divorced) and tell her she is not up to your level sexually. Challenge her - dont whine and beg and plead and ask why - or put up with being treated poorly. Be the man.

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lucy_in_disguise

You got divorced just a few months ago, and her other relationship ended even more recently. What makes you think she is ready to be committed to your marriage again? She must have a lot of issues to work through if she was able to give up on your family for another man so easily, and then change her mind so fast.

 

For the sake of your kids- I hope you insist that she work her personal issues out before jumping back into a relationship with her. And please stop with the sleepovers until you are both sure you are committed to making it work. It can't be healthy for your kids to go back and forth like this.

 

I'm not even going to address the sex drive thing beyond saying that I agree with all the other posters that it probably won't get any better. Imo the real issue is your apparent acceptance of her crappy behaivior by allowing her back in so easily, and more importantly your alarming parenting decision to subject your kids to this roller coaster.

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Okay OP..I know this sounds harsh, but IMHO, i'ts true. You're really in the backup friend zone right now..she would still be with the OM if she could, and she will leave you again for another OM when it suits her convenience. Women are not physically attracted to men they do not respect. If you really want back her back in the bedroom, the only chance you have is to 180 her and get a girlfriend. Make her compete and earn you.

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Jersey born raised

Hi JohnC first your first thread had info posters need http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/622840-thought-i-getting-second-chance-my-ex-wife-now-not-so-sure#post7301836

 

You really need to do the 180. You are the asexual man she needs for daily life. The fact she is with you now is because there are no "sexual men" around.

 

Why does her family dislike you.

 

If you went to HS with her, don't you have friends and family available ?

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Yeah, dude. What they said.

 

She's trying to control the situation (and you) just like she used to. She'd like her nice comfortable married life back after she threw it away and she doesn't want to change a thing to make that happen. That ain't remorse. And with no consequences, I'd bet she'll be right back after the next bad boy (maybe even before the dust settles). Don't sign up for this.

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l'm sorry man , what a horrible sitch you've been through for her and still are.

l get the history and the kids and family thing, and really take my hat of to you for trying to save your family and restart your marriage.

But honestly , sexual stuff for a start is a real worry . You know , trouble before with it , and now trouble again with it , yet with her strong sexuality , sorry man but that just doesn't add up to a good sign at all and it's a huge thing because it's already broken up your marriage and family once.

 

lf it was me there's no way l would even attempt it the goods just aren't there and she's already divorced once and had and affair.

Maybe you could just stay on good terms for the kids , friends if you like , if you think you could handle that , but really , you've gotta just let the marriage go l think for your own sake.

And also, what's it going to do to the kids if even you guys do manage to get it going again for awhile only to go through the ending all over again later.

 

Best of luck with it all though in whatever you decide.

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Hi John, I don't get it. Why did you get back with your ex wife just a few months after divorcing her? What changed so dramatically that you got convinced about giving it a second try so soon after the divorce? Also, in the light of the knowledge that her OM's wife gave you about her affair about which you were not aware, there is all the more reason for you to distance yourself from her because this reason was NOT brought up at the time of the divorce and so you were made to divorce (A life changing event) based on a false premise. A woman who is so deceitful that she could put you through a traumatic procedure like divorce with complete equanimity is just not worth a second look.

 

You are already divorced and have he chance to find another woman who will love and cherish you as you deserve to be. As BryanP says "If you do not respect yourself then who else will"? Dump your ex wife like yesterday's garbage and move on to a brighter and more productive future for yourself. Warm wishes.

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Hi John, I don't get it. Why did you get back with your ex wife just a few months after divorcing her? What changed so dramatically that you got convinced about giving it a second try so soon after the divorce? Also, in the light of the knowledge that her OM's wife gave you about her affair about which you were not aware, there is all the more reason for you to distance yourself from her because this reason was NOT brought up at the time of the divorce and so you were made to divorce (A life changing event) based on a false premise. A woman who is so deceitful that she could put you through a traumatic procedure like divorce with complete equanimity is just not worth a second look.

 

You are already divorced and have he chance to find another woman who will love and cherish you as you deserve to be. As BryanP says "If you do not respect yourself then who else will"? Dump your ex wife like yesterday's garbage and move on to a brighter and more productive future for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

It can take up to six months for some WW to be ready for sex after D day.

I have read the same for some BH.

 

Though the sex can return.

 

And be better then before D day.

 

Though before this BH recommits to his WW he better tell her

that unless he starting getting better then the OM and keeps

getting better then the OM he will never recommit to her.

 

Hey for a while he has someone washing his clothes, cleaning the

house, cooking.

 

You know, doing woman's work.

 

And, if she ain't even doin' that then pack her stuff, put it on the porch,

and change the locks.

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