highfivelives Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 It has been some time since I posted here. Male in my late 50s, married 25+ years, kids, no affairs of any kind, strong marriage. Recently my wife experienced betrayals from people she thought she could trust. So, she is quite sensitive at the moment, and has lost faith in people. I travel alot for work, and during a trip away a few months back, some co-workers asked if I would like to go on a hike on a Saturday afternoon. At the last minute, one of the coworkers said he could not join the group, which left me and another female coworker to hike on our own. We decided to go ahead anyway, I met her family, and the two of us had a short hike in a public park during which we spoke about family and work. No flirting or contact of any kind. I returned home some days later, to a very busy time at home. My wife and I chatted a little about my trip, but the hike never came up, and I forgot about it. Now, months later I am suddenly experiencing guilt that I did not tell her about this, realizing that I should have at the time. I fear that it is now too late, and that telling her now will make her worry unnecessarily, and she will lose faith in me, which is the last thing I want. The reasons to tell her now would be to reduce my guilt (selfish on my part) for not telling her before, but on the other hand offer full disclosure of an innocent event which part of me feels is the right thing to do. I do feel I did nothing wrong, except not telling her at the time. What to do? Tell her and risk upsetting her, or just deal with the guilt and leave it alone? I am really struggling making a decision on this. I realize this is a minor issue compared to some here... Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 There is nothing to tell and no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. If you bring it up now, she may get suspicious and feel unnecessary anxiety. I would let it go and continue being a faithful and loving husband. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 If the woman had been a man would you be worrying about it? If you really did nothing wrong just forget about it. The time to tell her was when it happened. JMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 If it honestly was just a walk and no flirting at all, I think bringing it up now is a bad idea. It will make her worry for no reason. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 It sounds like a minor thing that you forgot to mention at the time, and doesn't bear mentioning now all of this time later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 I gotta ask though, if it was really so completely innocent, why are you worried about it now months later? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) There is nothing to hide and nothing to tell. But, if you are she will learn what happened and not handle it well, it is best that you tell her. You can certainly say "this is what happened. I didn't tell you at the time because there was nothing to tell..." I also wonder why you are feeling such guilt if it really was innocent. Perhaps there is more to the story or you have done something in the past to make your wife anxious... However, if it really was innocent and your wife doesn't trust you or becomes upset about it, especially when you volunteer the information, then she has bigger issues in her life that she needs to address. Edited July 13, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Is that the worse thing you ever did? Wow! I suspect 99% of people have done things worse than that - I certainly have. To be honest if my wife "confessed" to something like that, several months after the event, I'd actually assume that since it had obviously been on her mind so long that there must be more to it than that. I think you risk creating suspicion where it really is not warranted. Of course, if she ever brings it up in conversation then be truthful. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 You did nothing wrong, put it out of your head and forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author highfivelives Posted July 13, 2017 Author Share Posted July 13, 2017 You did nothing wrong, put it out of your head and forget about it. Thanks whichwayisup, and all, for feedback. It was an innocent event, with no flirting, and knowing that I did nothing wrong, I did not think about it until last week when my wife and I were talking about another couple we know in which the husband had an affair. My wife said that even getting coffee with another of the opposite sex without telling the spouse, is a form of cheating. Thinking about this, my mind suddenly snapped back, and I started feeling guilty; not about the hike, but for not telling her at the time. I agree that I did nothing wrong, but now I am struggling; Part of me says forget about it, you did nothing wrong and telling her now will cause her unnecessary worry, but the other part says come clean now (to ease my conscience). I wish I could just put it out of head, but I am finding it difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Thanks whichwayisup, and all, for feedback. It was an innocent event, with no flirting, and knowing that I did nothing wrong, I did not think about it until last week when my wife and I were talking about another couple we know in which the husband had an affair. My wife said that even getting coffee with another of the opposite sex without telling the spouse, is a form of cheating. Thinking about this, my mind suddenly snapped back, and I started feeling guilty; not about the hike, but for not telling her at the time. I agree that I did nothing wrong, but now I am struggling; Part of me says forget about it, you did nothing wrong and telling her now will cause her unnecessary worry, but the other part says come clean now (to ease my conscience). I wish I could just put it out of head, but I am finding it difficult. I'm going to be odd man out here and suggest you tell her. You say you have a strong marriage, no cheating ever. Your wife's discloser of how she feels about having coffee with a person of the opposite gender and not telling about it is your cue to tell. Not saying i think she knows but is it possible she knows and is giving you the opportunity to tell her? I have pretty strong boundaries about this type thing and something like this is what I'd want to hear: When you told me the other day that you consider getting coffee with a member of the opposite sex without telling you is a form a cheating it jogged my memory as to something i did that I thought nothing of at the time so didn't mention it. But, since you mentioned this type thing is important to you I want you to know that when I was supposed to go hiking three months ago with Joe and Sally, only Sally showed up and we hiked together, met her family, etc. I wish I'd mentioned it to you at the time but I'm glad you spoke up about how you feel about that type thing so that it came to mind and I could let you know about the hike. If anything like that should happen in the future I'll make it a priority to remember to tell you asap! Something like that in your own words...or shorter. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Thanks whichwayisup, and all, for feedback. It was an innocent event, with no flirting, and knowing that I did nothing wrong, I did not think about it until last week when my wife and I were talking about another couple we know in which the husband had an affair. My wife said that even getting coffee with another of the opposite sex without telling the spouse, is a form of cheating. Thinking about this, my mind suddenly snapped back, and I started feeling guilty; not about the hike, but for not telling her at the time. I agree that I did nothing wrong, but now I am struggling; Part of me says forget about it, you did nothing wrong and telling her now will cause her unnecessary worry, but the other part says come clean now (to ease my conscience). I wish I could just put it out of head, but I am finding it difficult. Well then come clean. Tell her, after your comment last week there is something I want to tell you. Tell her exactly what happened and assure her that you didn't mention it because you didn't think there was anything to tell. Just be honest. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author highfivelives Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Well then come clean. Tell her, after your comment last week there is something I want to tell you. Tell her exactly what happened and assure her that you didn't mention it because you didn't think there was anything to tell. Just be honest. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing... Thanks! Your quote, and the message, reminded me of a core ethical value of mine - truth with full disclosure. Even trying the opposite always causes me great pain. This morning, upon reading the latest posts, I did tell her. Told her that her comment jogged by memory, I started searching my memory to see if that ever happened to me, told her what happened, and that I should have told her at the time but it completely innocent and I forgot about it. Closed by saying that I will be sure to tell her right away if something like this should happen again. She laughed, made a funny comment, and got on with her day Took less than 1 minute and now my conscience is clean! Thanks all for the help. In the end the truth set me free without causing her pain 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Honesty is always better. Next time in case it happens , you cancel as well. Trust is the basic foundation. Very easy to break , hardest to earn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 She laughed, made a funny comment, and got on with her day Of course she did. This is what a mature, emotionally healthy person would do. I'm glad you feel better. Now, forget about it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Glad everything worked out. But I have a quick question Why didn't you mention the hike when you were telling her about your trip? Certainly a hike takes up most of a day right? Seems kind of odd that you left it out of your telling of events especially since it was innocent. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 IMHO, you made a mistake by telling her. This will not be the last you hear of it. You make think she laughed and moved on, but it is filled away in the head...maybe not Machiavellian or anything, but it is there. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 IMHO, you made a mistake by telling her. This will not be the last you hear of it. You make think she laughed and moved on, but it is filled away in the head...maybe not Machiavellian or anything, but it is there. Are you her? How do you know this? OP, you did fine. And since no one I know owns a time machine, what ifs are moot anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author highfivelives Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Glad everything worked out. But I have a quick question Why didn't you mention the hike when you were telling her about your trip? Certainly a hike takes up most of a day right? Seems kind of odd that you left it out of your telling of events especially since it was innocent. Thanks, Well, it was a long almost 4 week trip away, and the hike was about 2 hours of that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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