mental health and marriage

[bct2017]

Hello,

 

I have severe generalized anxiety, depression (bi polar but have been depressed for awhile) OCD not a strong diagnosis but some OCD things going on like obsessive thoughts and checking but no rituals.

 

Anyways my anxiety has caused me to question everything about my marriage even love to the point it drives me insane.

 

I have been married for five years and my mental health has gone downhill about one year after marriage never totally rebounded. I feel horrible for my spouse who is very understanding she has no experience being with someone with mental health conditions. When I met her I had to explain what my conditions were she was not sure what exactly bi polar was.

 

Our marriage has gotten so bad we are not even affectionate we have not had sex in over year because I would have anxiety after sex and feel i did not lover her then tell her I do not love her. I want to therapy we want to couples therapy did not help I feel the therapist were overwhelmed.

 

I am at the point I feel I should just eave marriage and be alone and get better. Is that OK or selfish? I want to get out of the big city we live in and move to Florida and my wife said she wants me to get better and she will let me go and we will separate I can go whenever i want.

 

Should I do it if our marriage has been stagnant and we do not have the skills to fix. My spouse is 39 I do not want to waste more of her time she wants children. After my mental health got so bad since being married I question if i should have children.

 

Thank you

[jenkins95]

Hi bct. Want to send you a (((man hug))) because I too have suffered with anxiety, depression and severe OCD and it's no picnic. Although, from what you've said, I don't think I've suffered to the depths that you have. I really feel for you. Well done for coming here to get advice. We are friends here and it would be an honour to support you.

 

My initial gut reaction is that it would be such a shame if your marriage had to end. I suspect that you do truly love her but your issues are masking this and causing you to doubt them. The chances are that, even if you make significant progress, you may always have these issues to some extent (I think I will) because it's simply how we are wired...and then you may go through exactly the same thing in any potential future relationships/marriages.

 

For her part, and I truly don't want to heap extra guilt on you, but the fact is that she wants children - and she's already 39. Even if she meets a wonderful guy as soon as you leave and settles down (this is a big if), she would be early-mid 40s before she was in a positon to have even her first child. It would be so much better if you could find a way to re-connect...and have children together.

 

Is your wife truly miserable in the marriage? Is she also suggesting you should end it? Or is she standing by you whatever? She married you knowing your issues and that takes a special person. She must have really loved you (and hopefully still does). I know that sex has not been possible lately, but how's life in general? Are you good friends, companions, feel warmth in each others company? Or has it all gone?

 

If I were you I would pull out all the stops and try absolutely everything before giving up. I think if you work on your mental health and manage to find some place of stability, everything else should fall into place - the love is probably there under the surface, but it is out of reach at the moment. Persumably you are seeing a pyschiatrist/psychologist? Get all the therapy and try everything you can. If you get to the awful position where you are certain that you cannot resolve it, well then you can walk away knowing that you tried every trick in the book.

 

Please keep posting and update us. I am pulling for you. I'd love to see you be able to turn this around AND save your marriage.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

We are here keep on posting.

Edited July 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[bct2017]

Hi bct. Want to send you a (((man hug))) because I too have suffered with anxiety, depression and severe OCD and it's no picnic. Although, from what you've said, I don't think I've suffered to the depths that you have. I really feel for you. Well done for coming here to get advice. We are friends here and it would be an honour to support you.

 

My initial gut reaction is that it would be such a shame if your marriage had to end. I suspect that you do truly love her but your issues are masking this and causing you to doubt them. The chances are that, even if you make significant progress, you may always have these issues to some extent (I think I will) because it's simply how we are wired...and then you may go through exactly the same thing in any potential future relationships/marriages.

 

For her part, and I truly don't want to heap extra guilt on you, but the fact is that she wants children - and she's already 39. Even if she meets a wonderful guy as soon as you leave and settles down (this is a big if), she would be early-mid 40s before she was in a positon to have even her first child. It would be so much better if you could find a way to re-connect...and have children together.

 

Is your wife truly miserable in the marriage? Is she also suggesting you should end it? Or is she standing by you whatever? She married you knowing your issues and that takes a special person. She must have really loved you (and hopefully still does). I know that sex has not been possible lately, but how's life in general? Are you good friends, companions, feel warmth in each others company? Or has it all gone?

 

If I were you I would pull out all the stops and try absolutely everything before giving up. I think if you work on your mental health and manage to find some place of stability, everything else should fall into place - the love is probably there under the surface, but it is out of reach at the moment. Persumably you are seeing a pyschiatrist/psychologist? Get all the therapy and try everything you can. If you get to the awful position where you are certain that you cannot resolve it, well then you can walk away knowing that you tried every trick in the book.

 

Please keep posting and update us. I am pulling for you. I'd love to see you be able to turn this around AND save your marriage.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

We are here keep on posting.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I have had the same psychitrist for five years but it is really hard to find a good therapist. i have a BA in psychology and worked in social services for 5 years so i know how a therapist is suppose to behave and I feel I have not had good luck with them unfortunately I know good ones are out there but they are hard to find.

 

I think this has had a huge toll on my wife she thinks things are her fault that are not and it has changed her and I would even say traumatized her. She is afraid that if she does certain things it will trigger my anxiety or depression I feel she is not living in a good situation. I tried to imagine if her family saw how her life was they would not be happy but they are in another country so they do not see how this marriage has effected her.

 

It is because of that I think I have to let her go. I asked her to go to couples therapy one more time and she said she could not she said it hurts to much and she would go to therapy after we separate. I am not sure there is time for me to give it one more go around in fixing my mental health. I feel she would need to help and I am not sure she knows how and I do not expect her to. But I think with age I am 37 she is 39 I have to let her go.

 

 

I feel we are really good friends but we do not have a lot in common and it makes my anxiety worse they may be a lot of small things.

 

For instance she is very introvertive so we end up hardly ever doing much because she does not initiate things.

 

I am more intellectual she does not care about history or politics. I am a foodie she does not like eating out. These small things cause me anxiety then cause me to daydream about a different life with someone more like me.

 

 

There is more to it if you see my other post sorry I did not answer all your questions.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. If your wife wants children, it's much too late to let her go wih the hopes that she will find someone else with whom she could have children. It may even be to late for the two of you to have children. As it is, if she was to get pregnant now the pregnancy would be high risk.

 

If you decide to separate, do so with the thought that it is what is necessary for you to get better and to allow her the ability to find happiness either alone, or in another relationship...

 

I wish you healing. God bless.

[bct2017]

Indeed. If your wife wants children, it's much too late to let her go wih the hopes that she will find someone else with whom she could have children. It may even be to late for the two of you to have children. As it is, if she was to get pregnant now the pregnancy would be high risk.

 

If you decide to separate, do so with the thought that it is what is necessary for you to get better and to allow her the ability to find happiness either alone, or in another relationship...

 

I wish you healing. God bless.

 

i am having a lot of depression because I feel like i ruined my wifes life we met when she was 34 and I was 32. I kind of feel like I took a leap of faith and it was not responsible for me to marry when I was not 100 percent sure. I just knew i found a great person that loved me.

 

so now i am so sad i cry because I feel its my fault that she is in a situation she may not have kids. and she tells me that she made decisions to but I am just so guilty. I am not sure if someone that did not have the mental health issues I have would reeact like i am maybe they would just leave and move on with thier life but i am being more dramatic. I feel like its a tragedy. BUt i really cant see fixing it if we spent another year trying to fix things and my wife was 40 then i would be leaving a forty year old women well actually my wife will be forty in a couple months.

 

i really dont just feel this is tragic I am thinking about going to therypy but therapist do not tell you what to do when it comes to marriage it is against protocol.

[bct2017]

here are two examples of my thinking patterns and I think anxiety causes me to have to be brutally honest hard for me to lie.

 

1. my wife would ask early on if we had a child and you were not happy what wouold you do?

 

I would say i would get divorce and pay child suppport because i do not want to be in un happy marriage just for kid.

 

She was very upset with this and i think this caused us not to have a kid early on. But that was my honest answer.

 

2. if we moved to florida what if you met someone that was better looking and more your type?

 

I said if things were still not going well between you and me and i met someone I would not cheat but ask for a divorce. So then she did not want to move down to florida like i have been planning for 3 years.

 

When she ask these questions I start to think over nad over what if I met someone better. Then I start to think there is someone better. Then it got to the point where I was scared to get a job in my field because i was attracted to people that were confident and interested in the same things as me.

 

 

its just so complicated like for me just to figure out why we do not have sex seems impossible let alone figure out other things. Sometimes seems like it would just be easier to start a new life.

[BaileyB]

With kindness, you really should find a counsellor to help you to deal with these issues. You have depression, which clouds your thinking and your ability to make decisions.

 

Your wife is correct. She has made decisions - if she wanted something different for her life, she has had every opportunity to make that happen. Don't take on the responsibility for her life and her happiness... This is a sure way to make yourself even more depressed.

 

Find another counsellor and keep working in your own mental health. Find a marriage counsellor to help you to discuss see feelings with your wife.

 

Best wishes.

[bct2017]

With kindness, you really should find a counsellor to help you to deal with these issues. You have depression, which clouds your thinking and your ability to make decisions.

 

Your wife is correct. She has made decisions - if she wanted something different for her life, she has had every opportunity to make that happen. Don't take on the responsibility for her life and her happiness... This is a sure way to make yourself even more depressed.

 

Find another counsellor and keep working in your own mental health. Find a marriage counsellor to help you to discuss see feelings with your wife.

 

Best wishes.

 

it is more like my wife does not want to divorce but i pushed her, I will try to get a therapist maybe since my wife does not want to leave our apartment she will not mind if i stay for a month while going to therapy and see if there are any breakthroughs.

 

thank you

[BaileyB]

Is it possible that your wife has your own mental health concerns? Why is it that she won't leave the apartment and seems quite content to stay in an unfulfilling, sexless marriage. I think there is more going on here such that you are not the only person with problems.

 

Please get some counseling before making any big decisions...

[bct2017]

My spouse has low confidence and lower IQ when I met her it was not a problem but has been hard on my anxiety

 

For instance she has been nanny for 17 years but wants to be nurse but cannot obtain goal even with my help and guidance and she does not see that goal may be in realistic.

[bct2017]

 

For her part, and I truly don't want to heap extra guilt on you, but the fact is that she wants children - and she's already 39. Even if she meets a wonderful guy as soon as you leave and settles down (this is a big if), she would be early-mid 40s before she was in a positon to have even her first child. It would be so much better if you could find a way to re-connect...and have children together.

 

Is your wife truly miserable in the marriage? Is she also suggesting you should end it? Or is she standing by you whatever? She married you knowing your issues and that takes a special person. She must have really loved you (and hopefully still does). I know that sex has not been possible lately, but how's life in general? Are you good friends, companions, feel warmth in each others company? Or has it all gone?

 

 

 

We are here keep on posting.

 

my wife has grown very depressed and i am worried for her she is isolated i think because she is embarrassed of our situation she sees her life long friends on FB married with kids and looks at it all the time. We are very isolated because her family is in Europe and I am not close to my family so it is just not a great situation. I am looking for a therapist to give it one more talk but the therapist are usually overwhelmed because so much going on with my mental health and hx combined with marriage problems I have not found a therapist that could help tackle the situation.

 

Therapist are not allowed to say you should stay or go unless there is abuse but I remember ten years ago I had a really good therapist and i was dating an older women with kids and she said I should leave and I think she was right. She was 65 and about to retire so she probably did not care about protocal and gave me some straight advice that she did not think I was in a healthy relationship and there was someone out there better for me. But when I have been going to therapist about this current situation they have been very careful not to give advice on if I should stay or go.

[ayoung73]

Wow, you have taken a lot of great steps toward regaining a healthy state of mind: you recognize your shortcomings, the impact it is and will have on your spouse, couples therapy, and realizing you need help is one of the greater hurdles; especially for men. When I was working in emergency services, there were several incidents contributing to a negative mind frame and it took me a long time to get help because I thought, I’m a guy, walk it off! But it was the best thing for me!

 

I’m sorry you are going through all of this, but it sounds as if your wife wants to help you and was willing to try therapy with you. Don’t throw counseling off the table because of one or more bad therapists, like any industry, there will be duds here and there. I notice you are in New York, look at some of the resources there, BetterHelp, is based in your state & offers online assistance as well.

 

Like I said, I think you’ve taken a huge leap in recognizing areas of concern in your life and marriage, don’t make any rash decisions, you got married for a reason, your wife doesn’t seem to be ready to give up yet, don’t throw it away!