Veryconfused12345 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I've been married to my husband for a year and a half now. He has lots of really lovely qualities and is a very kind individual. But I feel like I'm spiralling further and further away from him at the moment and am feeling very trapped and unhappy. Basically, he's left his job to pursue a total career change in his 30s. It's been six months now of him "working from home." I'm scared as terrible as this sounds, that he won't make it professionally. He still seems to be lost without a professional game plan and frankly, what he produces for his own portfolio isn't very good. I've grown resentful of him and wish that he could be like my friend's partners who are all doing interesting things in the world and moving up in their careers. I'm so scared I've lost respect for him. He doesn't have to "change the world" necessarily but I would love to be able to be proud of what he's doing. And I'm not. And I'm worried this means terrible things for our future together. I'd be so grateful for any advice right now as I'm panicked I've made a mistake in who I've chosen to spend my life with. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 VC12345, Did you have a discussion about what his plans were, how you would budget and what his aims were before he decided to have a change of career? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 Hi Arieswoman, Thanks so much for your response. That's a good question. I'm embarrassed to say we didn't really discuss the "game plan" - it was more the idea that he'd take "some time" to figure out where he wanted to go. Budgeting is me covering us both at the moment and the aims for him are to be hired by a company eventually. But deep down, I'm worried he doesn't have what it takes and that this could go on indefinitely. How do you say to the person you're supposed to love and support that you're worried about a future with him? I'm scared expressing this will undermine his confidence right now. But there just doesn't seem to be an end in sight and I don't know how to express my fears. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 VC12345, Oh dear, so he made an arbitary decision to take some "time out" to figure what he wanted to do/where he wanted to go? I'm afraid you need to "bit the bullet", sit down and have a serious talk with him about this. If you can't share your fears to him then you have a serious communication problem that needs to be addressed. You need to ask him what his timescale is for getting employment in the future. Ask him how you can help (not just financially) Does he need advice about his CV/resume, applying for training courses, how to market himself, could he get voluntary work in the proposed sector to get experience? etc etc What type of work is he trying to get into BTW? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 You're right and I have expressed that I'm worried. He says he's not and just needs me to have some faith in him. But the problem is after that heart to heart it's just the same pattern so voicing it again sounds like I'm losing patience. And the truth is ive lost patience. He wants to get in to digital gaming for education which is a really broad field and sounds a bit immature. If he wanted to retrain to become an engineer I'd be less worried because there's a set path to follow but I'm worried this is all a bit ill conceived and he's very lost. So I'm also worried his chosen path is going to turn out to be the wrong one. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 On the one hand, it does take a little time to get established with that kind of thing. On the other hand, you really need a plan and a timescale before you get started - some kind of 'I can support you for X months while you pursue your dream but if at this point things haven't worked out, we need to reassess'. Many people quit their jobs to try and work in creative industries and go through a lot of struggle and then manage to make things work. Others... don't. Especially if they don't know enough about the industry they're trying to get into, and they're working far too slowly to be sustainable. I don't know what your husband's plan is, but like if he quits his job because he wants to be an author and then spends a year writing a novel, that plan is doomed to fail from the very beginning. The chances of a single first novel striking gold and bringing in a salary's worth of money quickly are near zero. Book writers usually do it as a sideline, or churn out formula stories rapidly, or pursue paid contracts... you can't invest a year into writing your book and expect a guaranteed return. I doubt books are what your husband's into I'm just giving this as an example of needing to have realistic goals. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 You're right and I have expressed that I'm worried. He says he's not and just needs me to have some faith in him. But the problem is after that heart to heart it's just the same pattern so voicing it again sounds like I'm losing patience. And the truth is ive lost patience. He wants to get in to digital gaming for education which is a really broad field and sounds a bit immature. If he wanted to retrain to become an engineer I'd be less worried because there's a set path to follow but I'm worried this is all a bit ill conceived and he's very lost. So I'm also worried his chosen path is going to turn out to be the wrong one. Actually that sounds like a much better idea than I thought it was going to be, provided that he actually knows something about the business, what qualifications people respect, what contacts to make, etc. Don't write it off because it "sounds a bit immature", gaming is big business. That sounds more like you may not know enough about the subject yourself to fairly judge his strategy. IF he actually knows what he's doing, it would be sad to pressure him into pursuing a 'more normal' career just because you're nervous about it not being high-status enough for your tastes. If he actually is lost and doesn't know how to proceed, that's another story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 somanymistakes, thanks so much for your response as well. You and the previous poster have taken the time to respond and make me feel heard and I'm deeply grateful to you both. I have some issues around conflating someone's job with their identity and am trying to work through that as it's my responsibility to make peace with it and not his issue. However, I would really like to be in a marriage where we're both moving toward professional lives that we find fulfilling. After posting on this forum and panicking a bit, we actually had a long conversation about all of this. He expressed to me the fact that he needs to feel like we're "in it together" and that I support him and I've been so afraid of making him feel pressured that I've been hands off which he's mistaken for lack of belief in his abilities. He explained that he just doesn't want to feel like the strong one all of the time and that he's going it alone and I do appreciate where he's coming from. I think you're right, this could be a good path as long as he's focused on what qualifications he needs, etc. Today was the first time ever he's expressed an interest in going back and pursuing an MA which makes me feel like he's taking it seriously. I do think up until the last day he's been a bit lost and maybe all it takes is feeling that you can admit that to your partner in order for it to start making sense. It's been a really steep learning curve in the past 24 hours but I want to get better as a partner. I really want to be able to provide the patience and compassion that he's always shown to me. I'm finding marriage can be a confusing experience but I want to do the best by him that I can. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Everything else aside, do you love him? Does he treat you well and adore you/love you/care for you deeply? Support him. Have his back and allow him this time to experiment with something new. He's excited about it and needs to go on this adventure. Try not to get hung up so much on the exteriors (what his job actually is or end up being) and certainly don't compare him to your friends husbands. If he is happy and passionate about this give him what he needs from you. With that said, together talk about a time frame for the future. Example, if in a year he hasn't progressed much then he can reconsider his options job wise. Try to keep an open mind. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want him to have your back and support you fully? Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 "Worried I've married the wrong person " just because "Basically, he's left his job to pursue a total career change in his 30s. " and now you have "grown resentful of him" and you "wish that he could be like my friend's partners" : too most women marriage has nothing to do with love, and yet alone unconditional love, it doesn't take a lot for a woman 'wife' to fall out of 'love' : 70% of all divorces are initiated by women and it's good and loving men who are getting dumped. You said "He has lots of really lovely qualities and is a very kind individual." and yet you feel like you married the wrong guy just because "left his job to pursue a total career change in his 30s" omg The good things you overlook and minor things you magnify : ' what you focus on expands' and you really don't have a problem in your marriage : the problem is you, since that's the hardest and almost impossible statement for a woman to admit I will repeat it : the problem is on you "He says he's not and just needs me to have some faith in him. But the problem is after that heart to heart it's just the same pattern so voicing it again sounds like I'm losing patience. And the truth is ive lost patience." Your way or no way, your plan or no plan, it's not your idea but support your husband : his own wife doesn't believe in him, doesn't even encourage him, doesn't have faith in him : infact you are doubting him and pulling him down, comparing him with your friends' husbands.Remember "love is patient" Most of the successful men I know made a similar move in life and everbody thought they were crazy then. You clearly don't love him : as an individual you don't love him, you love what he can do for you : his utility value which was closely tied to his job : the status it brought, just like your friends partners who are changing the world. "whichwayisup" hinted on this : "Everything else aside, do you love him? ". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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