loveletters206 Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I've been in a relationship ever since I was 15. It began 14 years ago. We have had MANY, MANY hard times and they seem to only get worse as the years go by. I met him in high school, he was 2 years older than me. At the time he was secretly sleeping with his brothers girlfriend/babys mom for nearly 2 years. He was only 16 at the time and she was 23. I didn't know any of this until a YEAR into our relationship and it was already too late for me to leave, he took my virginity and I was already in love so I accepted him and his past. I figured something between them may have occured in our early years, because he would always go over to her apartment to "babysit" his niece . I just had a gut feeling. He didn't confess until a couple of months ago that he DID cheat on me with her 2 years into our relationship. Fast forward to 2013- He was physically abusing me for so long. Kicked me out, never wanted me around, told me he didn't care if I found someone new. Drank and partied while I worked 2 jobs and remained at his side through his drinking binges. Anyway, So that's what I did. I found someone new and I fell in love with this person, so my now "ex" went crazy over me. I was with this other person for a couple of years and my ex was also seeing other girls at the same time, yet we always came back to each other despite hating each others guts. We would fight so bad, break up, make up. The usual cycle. He proposed to me in 2014 which I thought was strange at the time and I said no. Then he proposed to me again in 2015 and I again said NO (turns out, he proposed after he felt guilty for sleeping with other women). We just weren't ready with all of the fighting and secret relationships with other people. Now its December 2016-- I get pregnant by him. And he starts treating me like ****. Getting annoyed by my morning sickness, telling me he wished for an abortion and miscarriage then he would feel bad and take it back. He got his wish, I lost my baby girl at 18 weeks pregnant 3 months ago. He proposed to me again a 3rd time in May. New ring and all. I accepted it. We are 2 weeks away from the big day in court. However, we are still fighting nonstop. We keep "calling it off" then calling it back on. Nothing has changed in 14 years. Last night he told me he needed space and privacy and that I was putting too much restriction on him and trying to control him. Mind you, I let him do whatever the hell he wanted for the past 4 years. I NEVER stayed the night with him, I left him alone to drink and party and he slept with 2 married women at the time. Last night, he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore, didn't feel attached to me anymore and he was sick and tired of me. There is so much more to this.... the history is too long. But I'm so hurt. I fell out of love with him for a few years due to the abuse and the same thing he was doing now. Pushing me away and never wanting me. And I fell back in love with him when I got pregnant. Now I can't shake these feelings anymore, I love him so much and he just can't see it. All I've ever wanted to do was be with him for the rest of my life and spend time with him. But he just hates it. He can't give me what I want. Honesty, loyalty, and being open and honest. I hate it. It's been 14 years and I feel like I'm in a new relationship and so distraught. I love him so much, more than he loves me obviously. 2 weeks away from marriage and he doesn't want me around. Doesn't want to give me his social media passwords, turns my phone off and on whenever he gets mad. Calls me names, tells me the other girls he slept with were better than me, skinnier and prettier .I don't understand why he kept proposing to me if he hates me so much. Including this 3rd time. Why propose if he never wants me around, isn't attracted to me? I'm so hurt...I know he wants me on his own time and when he's ready. To make matters worse, we don't live together but had plans to move by September. But he kept pushing the moving date back to October, November, December.. I asked him WHY does he want to get married and not live together? WHY? He said "Because 14 years as boyfriend and girlfriend is embarrasing, we need to make this legal" Not because he loved me and couldn't see himself without me. I hate this all so much and I don't want to find someone new and move on. What do I do? How can I make him see that I love him more than anything... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl . List 7 things you love about this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 7 things??? List 2. And good luck with that. Take back control of your life, and dont get married. I dont understand why its so hard to just say enough. You arent even living together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Johnsmith1003 Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 More like list ONE. Dude is scum. Move on, Go to college and don't look back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveletters206 Posted July 8, 2017 Author Share Posted July 8, 2017 I just can't get over everything he's done to me. The cheating, the drinking, the controlling manipulative things he's done to me. The times he never let me have a social life. I get so damn angry thinking about it all and I can't let it go.. then for brief moments I realize that I love him too much and life is too short to stay angry... Then the anger sets in all over again. I hate living like this. And being without him and just not an option for me anymore. I want to get married but a piece of paper wont change him I know. What to do... Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I don't want to find someone new and move on. Why ? That's exactly you should be doing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 loveletters206, please read this carefully; do not marry this man repeat do not marry this man repeat do not marry this man now please get yourself as far away from him as you can. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveletters206 Posted July 8, 2017 Author Share Posted July 8, 2017 I'm already going to start school in September. I have my future planned out for myself. I have my own apartment and a job. I don't rely on him for anything except that we share a phone line for the past 7 years. I wasn't entirely honest and faithful myself but he pushed me to my breaking point. 1. I love that he's generous and willing to help when he can. 2. I love that we share the same sense of humor, music, food & we love our pets and doing simple things together. 3. He's honestly the best I've ever had (sexually) and I don't feel comfortable having sex with anyone else other than him. .... and I don't know, i can't think of much right now I feel too hurt and upset from everything he said last night. Maybe my reasonings are stupid as to why I love him but... He was my first love, first everything.. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 If you dislike the way he has treated you for fourteen years, why sign up for more of the same? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveletters206 Posted July 8, 2017 Author Share Posted July 8, 2017 If you dislike the way he has treated you for fourteen years, why sign up for more of the same? Yeah he has been awful to me for a long time but we have amazing times as well. I see the good in him, I know he's better than this but he struggles. His brother was murdered a few years ago and his dad died in the house he lives in when he wasn't home. And he's been angry over this for a long time.. I know I sound so silly and it's not an excuse for his crappy behavior. I moved on in 2013 when I dated someone else. I just wish I had that same willpower and mentality to do it again. Not only did I lose my baby girl 3 months ago, but before that, I had another miscarriage last summer. The pregnancies really messed me up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I think you know that not one soul here is going to encourage you to stay with this man. There isn't one sensible reason for you to do so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 No one in their right mind would ever marry this man. Just because you think you love him, doesnt mean you need to marry him. If you marry this man, the problems arent him, they are you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) Cheating He was secretly sleeping with his brothers girlfriend/babys mom for nearly 2 years. He was only 16 at the time and she was 23. He didn't confess until a couple of months ago that he DID cheat on me with her 2 years into our relationship. Physical abuse He was physically abusing me for so long. Alcohol abuse Drank and partied while I worked 2 jobs and remained at his side through his drinking binges. More cheating Then he proposed to me again in 2015 and I again said NO (turns out, he proposed after he felt guilty for sleeping with other women). We just weren't ready with all of the fighting and secret relationships with other people. Emotional abuse of a pregnant woman Now its December 2016-- I get pregnant by him. And he starts treating me like ****. Getting annoyed by my morning sickness, telling me he wished for an abortion and miscarriage then he would feel bad and take it back. He got his wish, I lost my baby girl at 18 weeks pregnant 3 months ago. More drinking, more cheating, and now he doesn't find you attractive and doesn't want you around. I let him do whatever the hell he wanted for the past 4 years. I NEVER stayed the night with him, I left him alone to drink and party and he slept with 2 married women at the time. Last night, he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore, didn't feel attached to me anymore and he was sick and tired of me. More emotional abuse 2 weeks away from marriage and he doesn't want me around. Calls me names, tells me the other girls he slept with were better than me, skinnier and prettier. I love him so much and he just can't see it. All I've ever wanted to do was be with him for the rest of my life and spend time with him. But he just hates it. I love him so much, more than he loves me obviously. How can I make him see that I love him more than anything... You have got to be kidding me... Why, do you think that you love this guy? He is abusive toward you and he does not want to marry you - despite the fact that for some inexplainable reason he has proposed to you. This is seriously the most unhealthy relationship. You are toxic together and you had best not bring a poor, innocent child into this disaster of a relationship. If you marry this man - well, that is simply the stupidest decision you could ever make in your life. Leave him. Edited July 8, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I just can't get over everything he's done to me. The cheating, the drinking, the controlling manipulative things he's done to me. The times he never let me have a social life. I get so damn angry thinking about it all and I can't let it go.. then for brief moments I realize that I love him too much and life is too short to stay angry... Then the anger sets in all over again. I hate living like this. And being without him and just not an option for me anymore. I want to get married but a piece of paper wont change him I know. What to do... You can do better. End it with him and get counseling because this guy has messed with your head (abuse). There are plenty of great guys out there who treat women with love, respect and honour. HE is not one of those great guys. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) Quote - "Then I realize I love him and life is too short to stay angry..." This guy has seriously messed with your head... Life is too short to spend years in an abusive relationship with a man who tells you with his words and by his actions that he does not love or respect you. How many more years of your life are you going to waste chasing this guy who does not want you? Edited July 8, 2017 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 He is not your soulmate or the love of your life. You just have a very dysfunctional and toxic bond with him. What you are calling love is really just an unhealthy sick attachment. You have somehow brainwashed yourself to believe that "stand by your man" nonsense. There is nothing honorable or admirable about a woman who disrespects herself by allowing herself to be disrespected. Sure relationships are going to have disagreements and low points where the participants are sometimes going to have heated exchanges and somebody might say something inappropriate and then wish with all of their heart they could take it back. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about a 14 yr relationship that has been almost non stop cheating, verbal and physical abuse, secret people on the side, substance abuse, and non-stop disrespect. It's just full of toxic poison. It would be sick to bring any children into this kind of environment. If you were to raise children in a household with him those children would come to despise both of you. He is horrible and the fact that you still think you want to be with him forever and ever and have his babies indicates that he is not the only one with some issues that need to be addressed. Get yourself into counselling. If you can't go to counselling right now, then start reading as many self-help books as you can. Especially read books geared towards woman who get involved with toxic abusive men. Your perspective is out of whack and needs an adjustment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Yeah he has been awful to me for a long time but we have amazing times as well. I see the good in him, I know he's better than this but he struggles. His brother was murdered a few years ago and his dad died in the house he lives in when he wasn't home. And he's been angry over this for a long time.. I know I sound so silly and it's not an excuse for his crappy behavior. I moved on in 2013 when I dated someone else. I just wish I had that same willpower and mentality to do it again. Not only did I lose my baby girl 3 months ago, but before that, I had another miscarriage last summer. The pregnancies really messed me up. The bolded is true of all abusers. All of them have a good side and can be amazing. All of them have a sad story from their past (which is probably true and what messed them up and turned them into toxic individuals) and all of them have women (AKA victims) who put up with them because they can see the "the good" in them and "know" that they can be better. But the fact of the matter is that most abusive men never change, most only get worse and the abuse escalates. For the men who did get better they were committed to getting better and they spent years working on it with professional help. Your relationship and story isn't special and unique. It's typical of all dysfunctional and abusive relationships. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Have you read this article? It likely covers your scenario. 8 Steps that Explain "Why She Doesn't Leave" | HuffPost 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 I just can't get over everything he's done to me. The cheating, the drinking, the controlling manipulative things he's done to me. The times he never let me have a social life. I get so damn angry thinking about it all and I can't let it go.. then for brief moments I realize that I love him too much and life is too short to stay angry... Then the anger sets in all over again. I hate living like this. And being without him and just not an option for me anymore. I want to get married but a piece of paper wont change him I know. What to do... You don't love him, you are a codependent.. love is NOT anything resembling what sick toxic **** the two of you have. Take control, leave him and block him entirely and get some counselling to uncover why you accept this rubbish...I feel that one of your parents was either alcoholic or abandoned you and you accept poor treatment as it's all you know and feels familiar. I understand how you feel as I'm helping from dysfunctional relationship with a malignant narcissist 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 What was your childhood like? What was your parents relationahip(s?) like? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Please end this relationship once and for all. You need to walk away and never look back. Just do it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 I feel like I'm in a new relationship and so distraught. -- You are not in a new relationship. It's the same old relationship you've always had. You don't love HIM, you love the idea of him and the vision you have for what you want your life to be like. Starting over is scary. You're comfortable with uncomfortable because that's all you've had for so long. The fact that he would marry you despite the fact that he doesn't really want you and your needs aren't being met on any level yet you say you love him implies co-dependency . . . that's not a healthy relationship. It also calls out what his intentions are for marrying a woman he doesn't love -- it probably says that he's marrying the CONVENIENCE OF YOU because you have clearly lost yourself in the relationship and doing all the work for maintaining a sham. That's exhausting. Call off this wedding! Being embarrassed for having been in a 14 year relationship and no married is not a good reason to marry anyone. This is about YOU and your future, not everybody's elses opinion/view!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 1. I love that he's generous and willing to help when he can. 2. I love that we share the same sense of humor, music, food & we love our pets and doing simple things together. 3. He's honestly the best I've ever had (sexually) and I don't feel comfortable having sex with anyone else other than him. .... I refuse to believe anyone who makes their girl work 2 jobs because they are lazy are generous or helpful. As for the second one, those are pretty meh reasons in the big scheme of things. Finding someone who shared the same food and music tastes is a bonus, but hardly the foundation of a good relationship. As for the third one, sex is really important to a relationship but there are lots of other men in the world, and many are good lovers. Find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 There is no good reason to marry him. Things will only get worse if you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveletters206 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) What was your childhood like? What was your parents relationahip(s?) like? My dad was (& still is) an alcoholic and very abusive to my siblings and I. My mom stuck with him for years and they're still together. My dad calls my mom names and makes fun of her weight constantly. Prettty much anything my boyfriend has said to me, my dad has said to my mom. My dad would get angry with me when I was a teenager, I would lock myself in my room for 9+ hours after school to avoid him, and come out past midnight to sneak to the fridge for something to eat. One time he caught me and turned on the lights and proceeded to yell at me how HE bought that food and I was living in HIS house and if I didn't like it to move out. He would always drive my little bro to school and he made me take the metro. My brothers school was across the street from mine. I was around 15-17 during this time. (the beginning days of my relationship). My dad has always hated me for some reason. There is more to my childhood than just this, this isn't even the tip of the ice berg. But I've always felt unwanted and unloved by my dad, like I'm trying to do so much just for him to appreciate me. Sometimes I feel the same way with my boyfriend. I just want him to accept me and I keep trying. Edited July 16, 2017 by loveletters206 Link to post Share on other sites
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