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Do you expect your spouse to call you when you are away for days at a time?


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So I made my yearly trek to go visit my Mom last week. I fly out to be with her for a week every year while my husband stays home. H hates to talk on the phone. I get it. But you know, I would REALLY like him to pick up the phone when I call to tell him I landed safely or at least call me back when he gets the voice mail.

 

I called him at about 2:30PM his time when I landed and I even told him I would call when he dropped me off at the airport 6 hours earlier. He was off of work too and at home. I left a message and got no return phone call the entire night! I was on Facebook with him the next day (at the library because there is no internet at my mom's house and I don't have a smart phone) and told him I called the day before but he didn't answer and he goes "Oh yeah. The phone was in my backpack but it's out now".

 

I was going out with friends and would call that evening when he was home from work. Once again I call and leave a message and no return call. I didn't even bother calling on Friday and got no call. Finally on Saturday afternoon he got back to me! Can you believe that?! 3 days before I get any kind of call from him. I don't know anyone who doesn't talk to their spouse daily while they are gone at least just to check in! And plus to not even want to know if I arrived safely!

 

He said his phone was in his backpack the whole time and I believe it because he never checks his phone and when he does he finds he has a few missed messages and calls from days earlier! However, I'm his wife and I would HOPE he would care enough to think "Oh yeah, my wife flew out of town and I suppose I should see if she called me to tell me she arrived". Didn't talk to him again until the day before I came back, and even then it was for only a minute so he could find out when I'd get in.

 

His big thing is "Well, nothing has changed so there's nothing to really talk about". So gone 7 days and we talked for 5 minutes one night and about a minute the day before I returned.

 

My mom just shakes her head and can't understand why we don't talk every day. I can't understand it either. Yet when I get home he is all lovey dovey with me telling me how much he missed me and how glad he is to have me home. Well it sure didn't seem like that the entire time I was gone!

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BettyDraper

I think you're upset because it feels like your husband isn't showing that he cares when he doesn't call. If I'm right, then that's a very valid feeling. Spouses should miss each other enough to want to check in during time away from each other.

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Mrs. John Adams

My husband travels 50% of the time. We talk on the phone and text message frequently throughout the day...We always call and tell each other goodnight.

 

I cannot understand your situation...and i too would be angry and hurt.

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We know from previous threads that you don't like or respect your husband. With this in mind, I have no idea why you think he'd want to talk with you.

 

My guess is that he's grateful for the time apart.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Maybe you two should get smart phones and start texting. Maybe he'd be more inclined to do that. He probably doesn't want to be on the phone listening to details about your visit with his mother-in-law.

 

With that said, when I was married and I'd be away on my annual girls' trip, I did get very annoyed/jealous that all of my girlfriends would call or receive calls from their husbands who missed them, and my husband (at the time) couldn't care less if we talked or not, and I knew I'd be bothering him if I called him. It wasn't normal behavior now that I look back. We never talked when we were apart like that because he considered it unnecessary.

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whichwayisup

Maybe a different approach would have been better? Like take the week and have space from him. It honestly could've helped you both.

 

Time to do texts. You can get cheap phones that only do text and talk no internet. :)

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I don't get it. He is probably glad you are gone for a week. He has some downtime to do his own thing without you overseeing him. So, is it really that important to you to get a call, or is it just that you are being oversensitive about things because your mam can't 'understand ' why he doesn't call you a dozen times a day? I have always wondered why callers feel the need for reciprocation... you called him to let him know your plane landed safely for your own reasons. Did it ever occur to you that if your plane had crashed, the airlines would be the one to notify him? Maybe I am being an insensitive guy about this, but stop with the calls. You are on week long hiatus. Enjoy yourself and quit bugging him, because he is on hiatus too. If he really wants to hear your voice, he will eventually call you . If not, just don't worry about it....

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Poutrew, I have much the same train of thought. I would not expect a call (or place a call) to say that I'd landed safely because if my plane had crashed, it would be all over the media. I might place one if my flight was diverted or something traumatic had happened, but not if all situations were normal. A general rule of thumb is "no news is good news".

 

I also wouldn't expect him to find time to call if he was busy doing stuff. Likewise, when I went away last with my son, I tried to call and missed him. It got a bit later and my son went to bed so I messaged him to not call because I didn't want to disturb my son. It's all about convenience.

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xenawarriorprincess

 

He said his phone was in his backpack the whole time and I believe it because he never checks his phone and when he does he finds he has a few missed messages and calls from days earlier! However, I'm his wife and I would HOPE he would care enough to think "Oh yeah, my wife flew out of town and I suppose I should see if she called me to tell me she arrived". Didn't talk to him again until the day before I came back, and even then it was for only a minute so he could find out when I'd get in.

 

 

I completely understand your wanting him to at least check in or see how you’re doing as a symbol of affection, concern, or consideration; however, if you have always known that he is not a phone conversationalist, and you have always known that he doesn’t spend much time looking at his phone as you mentioned he often has unseen texts/voicemails, then why take it personally? Why expect him to be different and then get upset when he isn’t different? He is showing you that he missed you when you arrived home and being sweet and lovey-dovey which is kind and caring.

 

Perhaps he doesn’t feel the need to text/call after you arrived to your mother’s home because he isn’t anxious or in fear of something bad happening to you, maybe he is confident and sure that you are doing well. It seems to me that your husband is who he is and you know how he is, but when you leave you want him to be different and it just doesn’t seem fair to have wavering expectations. Tell him straight forward…..no mixed messages….”I will be calling you once a day and I want to hear your voice because I miss you and I love you, will you please make an effort to leave your phone within arm’s reach”.

 

Men need, want, and do better when we very kindly and sweetly give direct messages to them. When we give them vague messages and instructions and they don’t get the hint, they get in trouble, we get mad, and nothing changes, and that is all around bad for everybody. Also, If you are 100% clear about your needs and he doesn’t follow through, then you will know that he is purposely being inconsiderate, but if he follows through then you will know that he listened to your request and he willingly altered his behavior to cater to your needs and you will feel happy knowing that he lovingly made an effort to speak to you.

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Mrs. John Adams

My husband always texts me to let me know he has landed...he is on the next flight....he has the rental car....he has checked into the hotel.

 

This is respect....this is common courtesy...

 

Nothing wrong with it in the least bit.

 

I do the same for him...I made it to work...i am on my way home...I am at wally world....etc.

 

Like i said...it is just a nice thing to do for your spouse.

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I don't get it. He is probably glad you are gone for a week. He has some downtime to do his own thing without you overseeing him. So, is it really that important to you to get a call, or is it just that you are being oversensitive about things because your mam can't 'understand ' why he doesn't call you a dozen times a day? I have always wondered why callers feel the need for reciprocation... you called him to let him know your plane landed safely for your own reasons. Did it ever occur to you that if your plane had crashed, the airlines would be the one to notify him? Maybe I am being an insensitive guy about this, but stop with the calls. You are on week long hiatus. Enjoy yourself and quit bugging him, because he is on hiatus too. If he really wants to hear your voice, he will eventually call you . If not, just don't worry about it....

 

Yeah the airlines would have called him and he wouldn't have gotten the call because he didn't seem to care if he had his phone on him or not! He was looking for his phone last night to call someone and couldn't find it. I called his number and we didn't hear it. I ask if he looked in my car for it because I knew he had it when he picked me up from the airport. He said he didn't see it. I go out and call his number again. Sure enough it's there under the seat. So he went 4 days without caring if he had his phone or not.

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Maybe a different approach would have been better? Like take the week and have space from him. It honestly could've helped you both.

 

Time to do texts. You can get cheap phones that only do text and talk no internet. :)

 

We DO have cheap phones that have texting. I sent him a text as well the following day and got no response because he never keeps his phone near him!

 

I don't expect texts/calls every day. I get annoyed at my coworker who's husband calls her at least twice a day at work to basically ask her what she's working on, what she wants for dinner, what are their plans for the weekend. That is unnecessary. But when I am gone for a week, yes I would like him to answer when I call to say I made it and then to text or call every other day.

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amaysngrace

I had a crap marriage yet he still checked in with me every night if he was away and same with me if I was away. I think to not call is weird, even if it's just to see how each other is doing and how each other's day was.

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GunslingerRoland

There are actually people without smart phones in 2017? That is by far the most shocking thing about this thread. I thought I was one of the last to get one and that was over 5 years ago.

 

Anyway, the few times my wife and I have been away from each other, we talked once a day at most. I guess we are both fairly independent people who don't need to check in all of the time. But I don't get how someone can go days without checking their phone. I guess your husband would the worlds most useless person if anyone ever has an emergency.

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I had a crap marriage yet he still checked in with me every night if he was away and same with me if I was away. I think to not call is weird, even if it's just to see how each other is doing and how each other's day was.

 

Thank you! I agree as well. Then when I finally did talk to him after 3 days he seemed exasperated by the fact that he HAD to talk to me when nothing had changed. We only talked for a few minutes before he had to go to start cooking his steak! Then I get back home and I tell him I watched the movie "Logan" on the plane to see my Mom and he about had a conniption fit saying "I almost watched that while you were away but I held off because I know you wanted to see it so thanks for not waiting for me! Now i"ll have to watch it some other time you aren't around." Really? I should have not watched the movie and just twiddled my thumbs because I knew you wanted to see it as well?! And you WERE going to watch it without me but I shouldn't have watched it without you??? Well if you would have bothered to call me while I was away or talk with me for more than a few minutes the one time we did talk, I might have been able to tell you that and you COULD have watched it!

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There are actually people without smart phones in 2017? That is by far the most shocking thing about this thread. I thought I was one of the last to get one and that was over 5 years ago.

 

Anyway, the few times my wife and I have been away from each other, we talked once a day at most. I guess we are both fairly independent people who don't need to check in all of the time. But I don't get how someone can go days without checking their phone. I guess your husband would the worlds most useless person if anyone ever has an emergency.

 

Yes! We used to have smart phones, but mine broke and I just got a regular phone to cut down on the bill and then H got a regular one too.

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amaysngrace
Thank you! I agree as well. Then when I finally did talk to him after 3 days he seemed exasperated by the fact that he HAD to talk to me when nothing had changed. We only talked for a few minutes before he had to go to start cooking his steak! Then I get back home and I tell him I watched the movie "Logan" on the plane to see my Mom and he about had a conniption fit saying "I almost watched that while you were away but I held off because I know you wanted to see it so thanks for not waiting for me! Now i"ll have to watch it some other time you aren't around." Really? I should have not watched the movie and just twiddled my thumbs because I knew you wanted to see it as well?! And you WERE going to watch it without me but I shouldn't have watched it without you??? Well if you would have bothered to call me while I was away or talk with me for more than a few minutes the one time we did talk, I might have been able to tell you that and you COULD have watched it!

 

Sounds to me like he was punishing you for leaving him. I remember my toddlers sometimes did that too if I left them with a babysitter, after I returned.

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Poutrew, I have much the same train of thought. I would not expect a call (or place a call) to say that I'd landed safely because if my plane had crashed, it would be all over the media. I might place one if my flight was diverted or something traumatic had happened, but not if all situations were normal. A general rule of thumb is "no news is good news".

 

I also wouldn't expect him to find time to call if he was busy doing stuff. Likewise, when I went away last with my son, I tried to call and missed him. It got a bit later and my son went to bed so I messaged him to not call because I didn't want to disturb my son. It's all about convenience.

 

The fact of the matter is that I called and he didn't even have his phone on him or bother to go see where his phone was at. Like, do you even care?

 

A great reason I can see for having his phone on him is what happened to him 2 years ago. I was once again visiting my mom. I had my phone on the counter but had the ringer off from the night before. I go to check on my phone and see there's a message from about 2 hours previous. I had a message from an unknown number. I listen to it and it's the owner of the track he was at. It turns out he had decided to go motorcycle racing that weekend (yes I had known he was going) and that morning was in a bad crash at the racetrack (broken ribs, broken scapula, punctured lung) and was airlifted to the hospital. I was beside myself. I was 2000 miles away. I didn't know what kind of condition he was in. He could have died and I wouldn't have known because I didn't answer my phone.

 

What if that was me? What if I had gotten into an accident in my rental car driving to my Mom's from the airport? He didn't even bother to check his phone for 3 days! Nobody on my end would have been able to contact him. He could have been happily living life and I could have been in the hospital without him ever knowing.

 

I'm not asking to call or text 10 times a day. I'm asking for a call every other day. We were long distance for 4 years and saw each other like 4 weeks out of the year and yet when I would call him after not speaking to him for a couple of days he would get upset saying "There's nothing to talk about. Nothing has changed". Sometimes he would purposely not answer and not call me back.

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Exactly. It's not ok to not check your phone for three days. You at least should have a nightly check in. I always talk to my husband before bed no matter where we are

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You seriously believe he didn't check his phone for three days? Rubbish. He simply didn't want to talk to you.

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amaysngrace
You seriously believe he didn't check his phone for three days? Rubbish. He simply didn't want to talk to you.

 

Right. He was punishing her for leaving him, I think. And he even was pissy about having to make his own steak and her seeing the movie without him.

 

Like a small child....he behaved....

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You seriously believe he didn't check his phone for three days? Rubbish. He simply didn't want to talk to you.

 

No seriously, the guy doesn't check his phone for days! As I mentioned in my earlier post he needed his phone on Sunday night to call someone and couldn't find it because it had been under the seat in my car for the past 4 days since he had picked me up at the airport! So he didn't feel the need to check his phone for at least that long and had 4 missed calls and 2 missed texts. Then he texted into work one day "sick" and proceeded not to go into work for the next 2 days, not calling in the other 2 days and not once checking his phone to see if maybe his manager called him wondering what was up or why he hadn't called the other 2 days to say why he wasn't there. Nor to see if anyone was trying to reach him. And then it was the weekend so there's another 2 days of not going to work. Not once in those 5 days did he check his phone because it was sitting in the same spot the whole time charging and when I took a look at it it said he had missed 4 texts and 4 calls. I didn't tell him that because then he'd accuse me of snooping. Then finally on Monday night before having to go to work the next day he takes a look at it and goes "Oh wow, I missed a bunch of calls and texts". Who in this day and age isn't checking their phone??

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There are landlines still .

 

It's concerning he didn't think "I miss my wife, I wonder what she's up to, maybe I'll just give her a call to say I love you"

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