Jump to content

Snooped phone and found things from past


Recommended Posts

Looking for advice....

 

Marrying my girlfriend of a couple of years soon. We started seeing each other while I was completing my divorce. When we started seeing each other, she was aware of the fact that I was married, but told me that she was willing to stand by me during that process, knowing that I was also still living with my ex-wife.

 

Fast forward seven months into the relationship, now having gotten my own place where she more or less moved in, and I find something on her phone. No initial suspicions at all and was asked by her to get something off of it for her. I stumble upon something that is contrary to what I was told.

 

Later in the day, when I could freely look, I snooped more. What I see is that after we met, she had continued to date. We never called ourselves exclusive after that first date or two, and obviously living with my ex-wife it would have been a complicated label anyway, but about 3-4 months in she sort of retroactively let me know after a question that she had not saw anyone after our date and we had always been exclusive.

 

What I saw on her phone however: over the first two months after we met she continued to see one guy and slept with him drunk; continued to flirt, text a lot and connect once with another she had been more a FIB with; texted with at least several other guys, one in attempts to date; met at least two new guys, one of which she may have slept with; and by three months in had given her phone number to at least two or three more guys.

 

This all sounds horrible, however, for the first six months we were together and I divorcing, I can understand if she was scared of being taken advantage of, or putting too much into a relationship that in her mind may not pan out. So I chalked it up to her lack of security that I was actually finalizing things. Things have been fine the last couple of years since. I Put it behind me.

 

Now that we are preparing to wed, a couple of years later, I feel I should bring this up. I think it best to talk about it. Let her know I snooped. Let her know that I have questions, and talk it through. She has done the same with me about my past marriage and the state it was in when we met, so I believe it is a fair discussion to have.

 

Advice needed: What pit falls should I be prepared for? She will be upset that I snooped...Is that going to totally derail the real questions? How do I get around that?

 

Thanks for any advice in advance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not cool, but I can kind of understand her hedging her bets with a married man still living with his soon-to-be-ex. How could she really know you weren't lying to her, unless she met your wife and confirmed your story.

 

Of course, she doesn't want you to know that she didn't fully trust your intentions, because she had hopes for you. You didn't have the exclusivity talk, from the sounds of it, either. She edited the past to hide her doubts about you.

 

Now, you can get upset and dump her, or accept that she was protecting herself while in a nebulous relationship with you. I think the real question is, do you think you can trust her going forward, now that your situation has stabilized, or do you think she'll want to keep her options open again?

 

Beginnings can be messy and sometimes allowances need to be made - but you're past that stage, hopefully. Yes, you should talk to her about it, but HOW you approach it may determine if this is a discussion, or an argument that could split you up.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry but the married man doesn't get to take the "high road" & complain that the woman he was dating while he was still married wasn't faithful.

 

 

However, she didn't need to lie about it. Had she just shut up, I'd have more respect for her.

 

 

Since it bothers you, do talk to her before you walk down the aisle. It's not like you can fix this or it will go away after you marry.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites

Not a good plan to snoop on her phone.

 

And, as a married man you don't really get to be upset that she continued to date during the early days of you relationship - while you are still living with and divorcing your wife. I mean, seriously. What a double standard?

 

This relationship began on unsteady ground - as an affair when you were still a married man. And now she has moved in and you are getting married after only seven months? Do you really know this woman? That is very fast... Given the way this relationship started and the speed with which you have progressed this relationship, I dont predict good things here...

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

And, as a married man you don't really get to be upset that she continued to date during the early days of you relationship - while you are still living with and divorcing your wife. I mean, seriously. What a double standard?

 

he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

 

because if he had only lived there with no sexual or romantic relationship with his stbx(probably children stuff), while his gf was dating and sleeping with others, especially when she keeps hiding it from him, it says a lot about her character, her ability to lie while looking in his eyes saying she loves him...

 

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

 

because if he had only lived there with no sexual or romantic relationship with his stbx(probably children stuff), while his gf was dating and sleeping with others, especially when she keeps hiding it from him, it says a lot about her character, her ability to lie while looking in his eyes saying she loves him...

 

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.

 

Please, he was married and living with his wife. His "girlfriend" had no obligation to him whatsoever. He needs to get over it.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

 

because if he had only lived there with no sexual or romantic relationship with his stbx(probably children stuff), while his gf was dating and sleeping with others, especially when she keeps hiding it from him, it says a lot about her character, her ability to lie while looking in his eyes saying she loves him...

 

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.

 

Seriously? He said he was still living with his ex wife, in the process of divorce. You think that if he is not actually having sex with his wife, that makes it any better? You think it says more about her character? I respectfully disagree.

 

Either way, I don't think this relationship has the strength required to be long term. With a history of infidelity, lack of trust, poor boundaries, and a relationship that has been fast-tracked... There are lots of concerns here.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Another example is why not divorced is still being married and

you do not date others when still married.

 

You did not have the exclusivity talk so she and you were free

agents. She did not cheat. However she is one big liar for she

told you that she never went out with others after your

first date together.

 

Ask her why the big lie.

 

Then postpone the wedding for one year to give your mind the

time to process this revelation to see if you can handle this

news without it negatively effecting the relationship.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams

You should certainly discuss any issue in the relationship....left unaddressed it can and might become a larger issue down the road. So it should be discussed.

 

Is it a reason to not get married? Absolutley. If this is something that cause you to distrust or have doubts you should not get married.

 

Do I think it should be an issue? Well..honestly...what i think is not necessarily what you think....and i am not the one about to marry someone i already have doubts about. But...I agree with others.

 

You were married...you did not commit to a monogamous relationship with each other...while wating for your divorce to be finalized....so what she did or did not do during that time frame should not be held against her. However...

 

You cannot help how you feel...and if it makes you "feel bad"...then it is a big deal to you....and you have two choices....you either have to resolve it between the two of you....or you break up because of it...

 

If you resolve it...then you dont ever bring it up again.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes

If it was all during those early months when you were getting together, I say leave it.

 

Yeah, she shouldn't have lied and claimed she was always devoted to you just to flatter your ego. That was dumb. But neither of you are perfect. Best not to get to worked up about it.

 

If it really upsets you then you can gently let her know that you found out and that it hurts your feelings that she misled you.

 

The fact that you went snooping, especially if you only found things from so long ago, probably will factor into the discussion and her feelings will be hurt as well. Generally when people get to the point of digging around in their partner's secrets, unless it was easy idle curiosity from something left open, it means there's a big failure of trust in the relationship.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete
If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.

Agree with this.

 

Sure no exclusivity = freedom, I get that. OP has no right to complain about his GF dating or sleeping with others. But she lied about it, hid it, edited the past, and has shown the ability and willingness to lie right to his face. This would be a problem, for me. If I were going to marry someone then I wouldn't want them to lie to me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland
Another example is why not divorced is still being married and

you do not date others when still married.

 

And there is also a reason why Separated is a whole separate marital state on tax and other official forms. Because divorce often takes many years to get resolved.

 

But I agree that it's complicated based on the fact that the wife was still living there (that means they weren't even separated), I think forgiveness is in order here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And there is also a reason why Separated is a whole separate marital state on tax and other official forms. Because divorce often takes many years to get resolved.

 

But I agree that it's complicated based on the fact that the wife was still living there (that means they weren't even separated), I think forgiveness is in order here.

 

There's also the whole "separated but living together" is different from the "separated and moved out and living apart". IMO no one should date someone who's still living with their (ex?)partner

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
Seriously? He said he was still living with his ex wife, in the process of divorce. You think that if he is not actually having sex with his wife, that makes it any better? You think it says more about her character? I respectfully disagree.

 

Either way, I don't think this relationship has the strength required to be long term. With a history of infidelity, lack of trust, poor boundaries, and a relationship that has been fast-tracked... There are lots of concerns here.

 

If she felt insecure with the arrangement, she should have told him that, and they could come up with a different arrangement (or split). But she prefered the way of lying and deception. In my world if you sleep with others, (while i don't) while letting me think that you're only with me, there are no excuses -

for me you're cheating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If she felt insecure with the arrangement, she should have told him that, and they could come up with a different arrangement (or split). But she prefered the way of lying and deception. In my world if you sleep with others, (while i don't) while letting me think that you're only with me, there are no excuses -

for me you're cheating.

 

If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes
If she felt insecure with the arrangement, she should have told him that, and they could come up with a different arrangement (or split). But she prefered the way of lying and deception. In my world if you sleep with others, (while i don't) while letting me think that you're only with me, there are no excuses -

for me you're cheating.

 

From the story it's kind of a weird backwards thing though. It seems like she was seeing other people while he didn't think they were exclusive, then after she stopped seeing other people, claimed that she had always been exclusive.

 

still a lie, but a different kind of lie than the one where you're saying one thing while doing another. it sounds like after she decided to date just him she then decided to hide that she'd ever thought differently.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
There's also the whole "separated but living together" is different from the "separated and moved out and living apart". IMO no one should date someone who's still living with their (ex?)partner

 

Yes, and the fact she was OK with that, implies a certain mentality as regards marriage and the sanctity of marriage vows and monogamy in general

 

As does dating and sleeping with other men whilst she was supposedly "serious" with you, and lied to you about it.

 

I get the whole "you were married and why should she put all her eggs in one basket?" opinion, but is that the type of conduct you would expect from someone you would wish to marry?

Is she wife material? and for that matter are you husband material?

 

YOU had an OW whilst still staying with your wife and apparently jumped into a "proper" relationship with the first person you saw and now you are considering marriage to her....

Is this a wise decision?

YOU have one failed marriage behind you, are you really ready for marriage again?

Edited by elaine567
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

 

This all sounds horrible, however, for the first six months we were together and I divorcing, I can understand if she was scared of being taken advantage of, or putting too much into a relationship that in her mind may not pan out. So I chalked it up to her lack of security that I was actually finalizing things. Things have been fine the last couple of years since. I Put it behind me.

 

Now that we are preparing to wed, a couple of years later, I feel I should bring this up. I think it best to talk about it. Let her know I snooped. Let her know that I have questions, and talk it through. She has done the same with me about my past marriage and the state it was in when we met, so I believe it is a fair discussion to have.

 

Let..It..Go.

 

You had your opportunity to talk about BEFORE you asked her to marry you! That's when you should have had this conversation. It's been TWO years and now all of a sudden you want to talk about it?

 

You were still legally married and living with your wife during that time. Enough said. Were you and your (ex) wife intimate at all? Sleeping in the same bed? Imagine how your gf felt during that time, really wondering if you and your soon to be ex were having sex.

 

Let..It..Go.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.

 

I think it depends on the exact nature of this "living together with his wife".

 

It's one thing if he lives there while there's a chance to reconcile, or any other meaningful relationship with his wife. And it's a different thing if he temporary lives in the same house, separate rooms, for maybe an external reasons that forces him to do so (financial issues etc...) The question whether he is officially divorced or not isn't so important. Maybe the OP can clarify that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How did it come about that you initially found something odd on her phone? And why did you feel the need to snoop so far back?

Link to post
Share on other sites
If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.

 

For me the issue wasn't about the Fidelity of the OP's now FI but her veracity. In light of his situation she had every right to hedge her bets. My problem is the fact that she lied about it. Had she just said, exclusivity can't be part of this until his divorce was final then everything was above board.

 

 

At this point they at least have to talk before walking down the aisle. It's clearly bothering the OP so he needs to address it. Otherwise he's just going to end up divorced again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am hoping all my multi-quotes work here....

 

Thank you all…great comments and questions. I really appreciate it all…it looks like there was some good healthy debate since I posted this and it helps.

 

I will address some of the comments/questions.

 

 

 

Not cool, but I can kind of understand her hedging her bets with a married man still living with his soon-to-be-ex. How could she really know you weren't lying to her, unless she met your wife and confirmed your story.

Ya, and that made sense to me. I am actually not all that bothered by what she did (the dating, etc.)…I mean don’t get me wrong, it sucks, but I can understand it given my situation and accepting of it (as much as any man can rationally accept the idea of someone else being with his partner). I’m bothered more by the fact I had an image of what our relationship was at the start and have found out that she was dishonest to me about it. I would have been ok with her telling me that she wanted to see other people until the divorce was finalized, but that wasn’t what I was told so I hung my hat on something that wasn’t real. She keeps wanting to celebrate our dating ‘anniversary’ but to me it doesn’t mean much if I was just one of several at that time. So I initially had put it behind me because I felt I understood why she kept it from me, but with things like celebrating a day where I know she slept with another guy three days later makes me feel there is a discussion that has to be had here. Don’t get me wrong…I am not even considering breaking things off with her over this. I am comfortable with who she is and has been to me over the last two or three years minus that unspoken first few months that I have at least an understanding for if not happy with. So there is no debate on that. She has proven herself trustworthy on many occasions since that time. It is just this one subject, which I have tried to give openings for so she could tell me and feel safe in doing so, but she has not. But it’s a conversation I feel we need to close the loop on.

 

 

 

You should certainly discuss any issue in the relationship....left unaddressed it can and might become a larger issue down the road. So it should be discussed.

You were married...you did not commit to a monogamous relationship with each other...while wating for your divorce to be finalized....so what she did or did not do during that time frame should not be held against her. However...

If you resolve it...then you dont ever bring it up again.

That’s how I feel. Like it has to be said. Because we may not have committed to a monogamous relationship from date 1, but about two month in when I told her that we should end it because I needed to finalize the divorce and that could take more time, she told me she would wait it out, two years if need be, and do this with me. So there was ‘commitment’ made. At that point she had already had other dates I didn’t know about at the time, but beyond that point there were still a couple of phone numbers given out at least from what I know.

 

 

 

Sorry but the married man doesn't get to take the "high road" & complain that the woman he was dating while he was still married wasn't faithful.

You were married and she dated others. Sounds fair to me.

And, as a married man you don't really get to be upset that she continued to date during the early days of you relationship - while you are still living with and divorcing your wife. I mean, seriously. What a double standard?

I wouldn’t have complained that she was dating…what bothers me is that she told me otherwise.

 

 

 

If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.

I’ll own that first comment because at the end of the day it’s technically true. But the second comment I will not. Because I didn’t expect anyone to be monogamous with me, and in fact tried to call it off with her for that reason because at the time I didn’t know how much longer the process could take. But she told me that was ok, and she would be there with me through it. So, while I wouldn’t expect someone to be monogamous with me, that’s of no debate here….what I did expect and felt hurt by was the image of commitment I got from her while she was hedging her bets on others in parallel over those first 2-3 months.

 

 

 

Not a good plan to snoop on her phone.

Wasn’t a plan period, let alone a good one. She asked me to check something on it while she was out, and it included something telling. From that point it was like putting a hole in your wall by mistake and finding mildew…you didn’t want or plan to, but you start taking down more drywall the more mess you find.

 

 

 

And now she has moved in and you are getting married after only seven months? Do you really know this woman? That is very fast... Given the way this relationship started and the speed with which you have progressed this relationship, I dont predict good things here...

No, it was 7 months into the relationship when I found the phone content (I was moved out of house by that point). That moment of finding the phone content was two years ago now. The content found was from the first 2-3 months of our relationship only, so from about three years back all said.

 

 

he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf.

Correct, nothing physical with the ex. Different bedrooms. I did lie in that before our first date, I did not tell her my situation. After that first date, she asked why I was still available and I must be married or something, and so I told her then.

 

 

 

How did it come about that you initially found something odd on her phone? And why did you feel the need to snoop so far back?

It was an old phone used on a speaker just to play music…I had access to it on a regular basis for months. Maybe an overshare here but we both tracked our ‘fun’ times on our phones with a pregnancy app, just to know when safe times were vs. others, etc. She shared her phone to allow me to catch up on my entries. Then one day I remembered she would have our first couple of months on the music phone so I went to copy the entries and found one the weekend after we met, which wasn’t me. That led to some snooping to find out who (successfully), which in turn led to me snooping her new phone where I saw a continuance of the behavior into our third month, and then little to nothing beyond that third month but casual answers and no-responses to texts from these same men until they gave up.

 

Thank you all for the great discussion. It helps.

Edited by BMI03
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It was an old phone used on a speaker just to play music…I had access to it on a regular basis for months. Maybe an overshare here but we both tracked our ‘fun’ times on our phones with a pregnancy app, just to know when safe times were vs. others, etc. She shared her phone to allow me to catch up on my entries. Then one day I remembered she would have our first couple of months on the music phone so I went to copy the entries and found one the weekend after we met, which wasn’t me. That led to some snooping to find out who (successfully), which in turn led to me snooping her new phone where I saw a continuance of the behavior into our third month, and thing little to nothing but casual answers and no-responses to texts from these same men until they gave up.

 

I should add, that I did confront her about this 'sex' entry I found that day I found it. Her answer was that she was hanging out with a friend and was drunk and was scared that she may have because woke up in his bed, but talked to him and was assured nothing happened. I bought it, but when I searched the new phone later I found out they had slept together. Which hurt because she had gone out a few more times with him over those first two months together as well before I was aware of this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, women lie to their men all the time. Most of the time it is small white lies that just make their life simpler... or to keep from 'hurting' their hubbys' tender ego... another term for it is retconning the past. The question for you to answer is how much retcon are you willing to tolerate? If what you learned about her ability to lie directly to your face disturbs you, then you need to discuss this before you marry her, and let her know you couldn't care less who she was screwing back then, as long as it stopped, but it is about the lie. If she can't understand or gets mad you snooped her phone then maybe this isn't the girl for you long term. As Yoda would say, a decision you must make...

Edited by Poutrew
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...