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Snooped phone and found things from past


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Old 14th June 2017, 5:33 PM   #31
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Good luck. It sounds as though you have a good communication system in place. Sadly I think a lot of relationships start out dishonestly as in the beginning we care more about ourselves, then grow to care more about the other person over time. And we let the other person in and show more of our true selves as the relationship grows. Hopefully that is what happened and you and she can have a constructive conversation and feel more at ease.
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Old 14th June 2017, 6:10 PM   #32
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You're upset she was seeing/talking to other people in the first few months of you dating? While you were still married and living with your then wife?
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Old 14th June 2017, 7:05 PM   #33
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You're upset she was seeing/talking to other people in the first few months of you dating? While you were still married and living with your then wife?
No, I am not
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Old 14th June 2017, 9:13 PM   #34
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You're upset she was seeing/talking to other people in the first few months of you dating? While you were still married and living with your then wife?
She told the OP that she was not dating anyone else when she started
dating the OP.
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Old 15th June 2017, 2:52 PM   #35
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You actually appear to say you understand and your not really upset nor feel betrayed really. So your cool with it. if so - good man !

She did not see other guys once you moved out and were separated right ? These old hidden lovers are not her friends now right? All in the past - gone from her life ?


Let it go. It was a messy time for both of you. I see nothing good coming from telling her you snooped or you have questions.
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Old 15th June 2017, 2:56 PM   #36
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I see nothing good coming from telling her you snooped or you have questions.
Too late the email is already sent.
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Old 15th June 2017, 2:56 PM   #37
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Too late the email is already sent.
Crap - sorry for them
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Old 15th June 2017, 4:46 PM   #38
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You actually appear to say you understand and your not really upset nor feel betrayed really. So your cool with it. if so - good man !

She did not see other guys once you moved out and were separated right ? These old hidden lovers are not her friends now right? All in the past - gone from her life ?


Let it go. It was a messy time for both of you. I see nothing good coming from telling her you snooped or you have questions.

I'd be lying to say I'm not upset, but I'm upset about the trickery, not the dating while I was finalizing things. The dating I would have understood had she told me up front. It makes sense. I wouldn't like or enjoy it...I wouldn't propose it, but I understand it. It was the safe move when she was just getting to know me.

There is one guy from that time that she still texts with, maybe once every 3 months or so. The one where I said Most likely FIBs. She told me about him early on, as a friend of hers she met while Tonderjng. That they met once and just became friends. I saw things that suggest otherwise. She has shared the conversations with him with me. She tells him about me and what we are up to. I do think that he did become just a friend, but I am still uncomfortable with him even in her world. He didn't get an invite to the wedding for instance and that actually is a clear distinction of a true friend vs a friend with some early, even if gone now, romantic overtones. The others are gone.
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Old 16th June 2017, 9:08 AM   #39
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I'd be lying to say I'm not upset, but I'm upset about the trickery, not the dating while I was finalizing things. The dating I would have understood had she told me up front. It makes sense. I wouldn't like or enjoy it...I wouldn't propose it, but I understand it. It was the safe move when she was just getting to know me.

There is one guy from that time that she still texts with, maybe once every 3 months or so. The one where I said Most likely FIBs. She told me about him early on, as a friend of hers she met while Tonderjng. That they met once and just became friends. I saw things that suggest otherwise. She has shared the conversations with him with me. She tells him about me and what we are up to. I do think that he did become just a friend, but I am still uncomfortable with him even in her world. He didn't get an invite to the wedding for instance and that actually is a clear distinction of a true friend vs a friend with some early, even if gone now, romantic overtones. The others are gone.
So what does your wife have to say about this?
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Old 16th June 2017, 11:40 AM   #40
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So what does your wife have to say about this?
My fiance? Or ex-wife? I assume you mean fiance.

He story when we started dating was initially that she met him on Tinder, met but just talked, and he became a cool friend to hang out with. As I pressed months later....well, they had made out, but just the one time. Met for drinks with others a few times after but just hung out and he became a friend. Texts every now and then to see how she's doing and she answers. Less and less with the passage of time. Use to be every 2-3 months...now I think it's likely been 6-8 months since last heard he texted.

So that's been her position on it. Since I saw the texts I think they support the idea that they were never anything serious and more just caught up at the bars a few times, but there is also more suggestive things to lead me to believe there was more than kissing.

Again, which I don't care about...that was before me, and the meeting at the bars was likely innocent and I would have understood still being married. The problem is having this guy still be a part of her life in some way when she altered the context of their relationship in telling me.

Anyway....no issue there other than he will be one of the people I have more questions about when we talk.
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Old 16th June 2017, 12:07 PM   #41
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Has she got back to you at all since the day you sent the email?
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Old 16th June 2017, 4:12 PM   #42
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It's never a good thing to start a relationship based on lies...

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My fiance? Or ex-wife? I assume you mean fiance.

He story when we started dating was initially that she met him on Tinder, met but just talked, and he became a cool friend to hang out with. As I pressed months later....well, they had made out, but just the one time. Met for drinks with others a few times after but just hung out and he became a friend. Texts every now and then to see how she's doing and she answers. Less and less with the passage of time. Use to be every 2-3 months...now I think it's likely been 6-8 months since last heard he texted.

So that's been her position on it. Since I saw the texts I think they support the idea that they were never anything serious and more just caught up at the bars a few times, but there is also more suggestive things to lead me to believe there was more than kissing.

Again, which I don't care about...that was before me, and the meeting at the bars was likely innocent and I would have understood still being married. The problem is having this guy still be a part of her life in some way when she altered the context of their relationship in telling me.

Anyway....no issue there other than he will be one of the people I have more questions about when we talk.
Even though you say you don't really care about what they did because it was 'before' you, she is still trickle truthing you and that is disturbing. First they only met and talked, then they made out, and yes, if you press, she will eventually admit to more... but it's good you are able to get past that and just focus on the lies. Let me tell you it is a slippery slope. I know a guy who divorced his devastated wife because she lied to him about her virginity. He saved himself for religious reasons, and she told him she had done the same. He found out from a 'friend' who told him about all the sex they had before he had met her. So far as he knows, she had been a good wife, but he felt he couldn't trust her on anything. The last straw was seemingly silly: she went out shopping all day, and came home with just a single bag of groceries. He looked at the receipt which showed the stuff had been purchased 4 hours before she had come home, yet the milk was still ice cold. He had a melt down, accusing her of being at her bosses house, and how he thought they were having an affair. She denied, but he threw her azz out of the house and presented her with divorce papers the next week... this happened about 5 years ago, and to this day he maintains he did the right thing: She did remarry - her boss. And, she never did offer a good reason as to how the milk could stay so cold sitting 4 hours in the trunk of a hot car...Point is, starting a relationship off on a lie is never a good thing.
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Old 16th June 2017, 7:21 PM   #43
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Has she got back to you at all since the day you sent the email?
Ya, I sent it about a week ago now. Have been on a business trip since then but we have been texting as much as usual and face timing at night. She had texted during the day to say she had been making her way through the email (I can write some looooooong emails), and that she thinks it would be good for us to talk about some of her past romantic relationships, but that she wouldn't exactly call them 'romantic'. At this point she wouldn't have gotten to the part of the email where I told her I snooped. But I certainly expect she has since. I expect she will just let it sit until we are face to face Sunday night and bring it up through the week. I think she will be bothered by the snooping, but more disappointed that I felt the need to. Or, she knows it's a conversation she doesn't want to have to get into, so whether she has gone through the email or not, she may just not say anything unless I do. Anyway, we shall see.
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Old 16th June 2017, 11:23 PM   #44
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History is history. Nothing you or she can do anything about. But what I see is that she was a single woman on a mission. A mission to get married. You were. It immediately available due to your marital status. So she made the determination to continue on her mission. Thus the other men. Was it right to lie to you? No. But if you have found nothing indicating ongoing physical or emotional relationships from the time you became available and showed interest in a long term relationship with her, she closed those chapters for you.

Where was this evidence stored? Why was it stored? Those answers would be of interest. Wherever it was located , you need assurance that it wasn't the functional equivalent of the confirmed bachelor's little black book.

Think about what you need to get over your concerns. If she confesses is all suddenly fine and dandy? Think how you'll react immediately and over time if she confesses. You may be trading one internal problem for another.
Think beyond the lie. Look out for your own interests here. And consider that you may need some form of action from her. If you can't see yourself with her after her confession you may wish to reconsider marriage plans.

But remember that any future relationship you enter will have secrets and baggage. Yes, it presents a dilemma.

Finally, try for an explanation from her of why she chose to lie to you. My woman on a mission hypothesis may be incorrect. However she explains things, make sure the explanation makes sense.
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Old 17th June 2017, 6:58 AM   #45
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But what I see is that she was a single woman on a mission. A mission to get married. You were. It immediately (un)available due to your marital status. So she made the determination to continue on her mission. Thus the other men. Was it right to lie to you? No.
If she was a woman on a mission,
Was the OP then the top prize as she binned all others for him, or was he actually the only man left standing at the time?
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