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Snooped phone and found things from past


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 13th June 2017, 10:14 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
If she felt insecure with the arrangement, she should have told him that, and they could come up with a different arrangement (or split). But she prefered the way of lying and deception. In my world if you sleep with others, (while i don't) while letting me think that you're only with me, there are no excuses -
for me you're cheating.
If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.
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Old 13th June 2017, 10:26 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
If she felt insecure with the arrangement, she should have told him that, and they could come up with a different arrangement (or split). But she prefered the way of lying and deception. In my world if you sleep with others, (while i don't) while letting me think that you're only with me, there are no excuses -
for me you're cheating.
From the story it's kind of a weird backwards thing though. It seems like she was seeing other people while he didn't think they were exclusive, then after she stopped seeing other people, claimed that she had always been exclusive.

still a lie, but a different kind of lie than the one where you're saying one thing while doing another. it sounds like after she decided to date just him she then decided to hide that she'd ever thought differently.
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Old 13th June 2017, 10:45 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by aileD View Post
There's also the whole "separated but living together" is different from the "separated and moved out and living apart". IMO no one should date someone who's still living with their (ex?)partner
Yes, and the fact she was OK with that, implies a certain mentality as regards marriage and the sanctity of marriage vows and monogamy in general

As does dating and sleeping with other men whilst she was supposedly "serious" with you, and lied to you about it.

I get the whole "you were married and why should she put all her eggs in one basket?" opinion, but is that the type of conduct you would expect from someone you would wish to marry?
Is she wife material? and for that matter are you husband material?

YOU had an OW whilst still staying with your wife and apparently jumped into a "proper" relationship with the first person you saw and now you are considering marriage to her....
Is this a wise decision?
YOU have one failed marriage behind you, are you really ready for marriage again?

Last edited by elaine567; 13th June 2017 at 10:48 AM..
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Old 13th June 2017, 10:53 AM   #19
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This all sounds horrible, however, for the first six months we were together and I divorcing, I can understand if she was scared of being taken advantage of, or putting too much into a relationship that in her mind may not pan out. So I chalked it up to her lack of security that I was actually finalizing things. Things have been fine the last couple of years since. I Put it behind me.

Now that we are preparing to wed, a couple of years later, I feel I should bring this up. I think it best to talk about it. Let her know I snooped. Let her know that I have questions, and talk it through. She has done the same with me about my past marriage and the state it was in when we met, so I believe it is a fair discussion to have.
Let..It..Go.

You had your opportunity to talk about BEFORE you asked her to marry you! That's when you should have had this conversation. It's been TWO years and now all of a sudden you want to talk about it?

You were still legally married and living with your wife during that time. Enough said. Were you and your (ex) wife intimate at all? Sleeping in the same bed? Imagine how your gf felt during that time, really wondering if you and your soon to be ex were having sex.

Let..It..Go.
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Old 13th June 2017, 5:34 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by reboot View Post
If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.
I think it depends on the exact nature of this "living together with his wife".

It's one thing if he lives there while there's a chance to reconcile, or any other meaningful relationship with his wife. And it's a different thing if he temporary lives in the same house, separate rooms, for maybe an external reasons that forces him to do so (financial issues etc...) The question whether he is officially divorced or not isn't so important. Maybe the OP can clarify that.
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Old 13th June 2017, 5:38 PM   #21
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How did it come about that you initially found something odd on her phone? And why did you feel the need to snoop so far back?
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Old 13th June 2017, 5:55 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by reboot View Post
If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.
For me the issue wasn't about the Fidelity of the OP's now FI but her veracity. In light of his situation she had every right to hedge her bets. My problem is the fact that she lied about it. Had she just said, exclusivity can't be part of this until his divorce was final then everything was above board.


At this point they at least have to talk before walking down the aisle. It's clearly bothering the OP so he needs to address it. Otherwise he's just going to end up divorced again.
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Old 13th June 2017, 8:32 PM   #23
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I am hoping all my multi-quotes work here....

Thank you all…great comments and questions. I really appreciate it all…it looks like there was some good healthy debate since I posted this and it helps.

I will address some of the comments/questions.



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Originally Posted by central View Post
Not cool, but I can kind of understand her hedging her bets with a married man still living with his soon-to-be-ex. How could she really know you weren't lying to her, unless she met your wife and confirmed your story.
Ya, and that made sense to me. I am actually not all that bothered by what she did (the dating, etc.)…I mean don’t get me wrong, it sucks, but I can understand it given my situation and accepting of it (as much as any man can rationally accept the idea of someone else being with his partner). I’m bothered more by the fact I had an image of what our relationship was at the start and have found out that she was dishonest to me about it. I would have been ok with her telling me that she wanted to see other people until the divorce was finalized, but that wasn’t what I was told so I hung my hat on something that wasn’t real. She keeps wanting to celebrate our dating ‘anniversary’ but to me it doesn’t mean much if I was just one of several at that time. So I initially had put it behind me because I felt I understood why she kept it from me, but with things like celebrating a day where I know she slept with another guy three days later makes me feel there is a discussion that has to be had here. Don’t get me wrong…I am not even considering breaking things off with her over this. I am comfortable with who she is and has been to me over the last two or three years minus that unspoken first few months that I have at least an understanding for if not happy with. So there is no debate on that. She has proven herself trustworthy on many occasions since that time. It is just this one subject, which I have tried to give openings for so she could tell me and feel safe in doing so, but she has not. But it’s a conversation I feel we need to close the loop on.



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Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams View Post
You should certainly discuss any issue in the relationship....left unaddressed it can and might become a larger issue down the road. So it should be discussed.

You were married...you did not commit to a monogamous relationship with each other...while wating for your divorce to be finalized....so what she did or did not do during that time frame should not be held against her. However...

If you resolve it...then you dont ever bring it up again.
That’s how I feel. Like it has to be said. Because we may not have committed to a monogamous relationship from date 1, but about two month in when I told her that we should end it because I needed to finalize the divorce and that could take more time, she told me she would wait it out, two years if need be, and do this with me. So there was ‘commitment’ made. At that point she had already had other dates I didn’t know about at the time, but beyond that point there were still a couple of phone numbers given out at least from what I know.



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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Sorry but the married man doesn't get to take the "high road" & complain that the woman he was dating while he was still married wasn't faithful.
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
You were married and she dated others. Sounds fair to me.
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
And, as a married man you don't really get to be upset that she continued to date during the early days of you relationship - while you are still living with and divorcing your wife. I mean, seriously. What a double standard?
I wouldn’t have complained that she was dating…what bothers me is that she told me otherwise.



Quote:
Originally Posted by reboot View Post
If he was married, no matter the circumstances, he was cheating on his wife, not his girlfriend. If you're MARRIED and LIVING WITH your spouse, you don't have the right to expect anyone to be monogamous with you.
I’ll own that first comment because at the end of the day it’s technically true. But the second comment I will not. Because I didn’t expect anyone to be monogamous with me, and in fact tried to call it off with her for that reason because at the time I didn’t know how much longer the process could take. But she told me that was ok, and she would be there with me through it. So, while I wouldn’t expect someone to be monogamous with me, that’s of no debate here….what I did expect and felt hurt by was the image of commitment I got from her while she was hedging her bets on others in parallel over those first 2-3 months.



Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Not a good plan to snoop on her phone.
Wasn’t a plan period, let alone a good one. She asked me to check something on it while she was out, and it included something telling. From that point it was like putting a hole in your wall by mistake and finding mildew…you didn’t want or plan to, but you start taking down more drywall the more mess you find.



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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
And now she has moved in and you are getting married after only seven months? Do you really know this woman? That is very fast... Given the way this relationship started and the speed with which you have progressed this relationship, I dont predict good things here...
No, it was 7 months into the relationship when I found the phone content (I was moved out of house by that point). That moment of finding the phone content was two years ago now. The content found was from the first 2-3 months of our relationship only, so from about three years back all said.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf.
Correct, nothing physical with the ex. Different bedrooms. I did lie in that before our first date, I did not tell her my situation. After that first date, she asked why I was still available and I must be married or something, and so I told her then.



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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
How did it come about that you initially found something odd on her phone? And why did you feel the need to snoop so far back?
It was an old phone used on a speaker just to play music…I had access to it on a regular basis for months. Maybe an overshare here but we both tracked our ‘fun’ times on our phones with a pregnancy app, just to know when safe times were vs. others, etc. She shared her phone to allow me to catch up on my entries. Then one day I remembered she would have our first couple of months on the music phone so I went to copy the entries and found one the weekend after we met, which wasn’t me. That led to some snooping to find out who (successfully), which in turn led to me snooping her new phone where I saw a continuance of the behavior into our third month, and then little to nothing beyond that third month but casual answers and no-responses to texts from these same men until they gave up.

Thank you all for the great discussion. It helps.
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Last edited by BMI03; 13th June 2017 at 8:46 PM..
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Old 13th June 2017, 8:43 PM   #24
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It was an old phone used on a speaker just to play music…I had access to it on a regular basis for months. Maybe an overshare here but we both tracked our ‘fun’ times on our phones with a pregnancy app, just to know when safe times were vs. others, etc. She shared her phone to allow me to catch up on my entries. Then one day I remembered she would have our first couple of months on the music phone so I went to copy the entries and found one the weekend after we met, which wasn’t me. That led to some snooping to find out who (successfully), which in turn led to me snooping her new phone where I saw a continuance of the behavior into our third month, and thing little to nothing but casual answers and no-responses to texts from these same men until they gave up.
I should add, that I did confront her about this 'sex' entry I found that day I found it. Her answer was that she was hanging out with a friend and was drunk and was scared that she may have because woke up in his bed, but talked to him and was assured nothing happened. I bought it, but when I searched the new phone later I found out they had slept together. Which hurt because she had gone out a few more times with him over those first two months together as well before I was aware of this.
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Old 14th June 2017, 1:28 AM   #25
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Honestly, women lie to their men all the time. Most of the time it is small white lies that just make their life simpler... or to keep from 'hurting' their hubbys' tender ego... another term for it is retconning the past. The question for you to answer is how much retcon are you willing to tolerate? If what you learned about her ability to lie directly to your face disturbs you, then you need to discuss this before you marry her, and let her know you couldn't care less who she was screwing back then, as long as it stopped, but it is about the lie. If she can't understand or gets mad you snooped her phone then maybe this isn't the girl for you long term. As Yoda would say, a decision you must make...
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Last edited by Poutrew; 14th June 2017 at 1:30 AM..
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Old 14th June 2017, 3:35 AM   #26
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If it is still on your mind, it will not go away once you are married.

Although she was in her right in seeing other people while you were married, she shouldn't have lied. Worst case, she felt justified since you were married at the time If she did, she will feel comfortable lying about other things down the road.

Or maybe she was afraid and wanted to make sure she kept you after she waited to have you. She probably forgot that those things were even on her phone which shows that it didn't mean anything and the way she dropped the guys does make it clear that she very much wanted to be with you.

Talk to her and gauge her reaction. You shouldn't have snooped and she will probably be upset, but she will be more upset about you finding out that she lied if she is remorseful. If she misdirects or shifts blame too much, I would take it as a red flag. Honesty is clearly important to you so you need to make that known to her.
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Old 14th June 2017, 5:55 AM   #27
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Honesty is clearly important to you so you need to make that known to her.
I am not sure that it actually is, because he has sat on this info for the past 17 months and it is only now he is wondering whether he should bring it up to her.
If honesty was that important to him he would not have spent 17 months of his life living with a woman who he knew lied to him and a woman who even now keeps the charade going by wanting to celebrate their dating "anniversary"...

I definitely get the keeping quiet about the fact she was seeing and sleeping with other men, I guess in a multi-dating culture that is not unexpected, but the "anniversary" celebration is all a bit too much IMO.
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Old 14th June 2017, 10:08 AM   #28
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I am not sure that it actually is, because he has sat on this info for the past 17 months and it is only now he is wondering whether he should bring it up to her.
If honesty was that important to him he would not have spent 17 months of his life living with a woman who he knew lied to him and a woman who even now keeps the charade going by wanting to celebrate their dating "anniversary"...

I definitely get the keeping quiet about the fact she was seeing and sleeping with other men, I guess in a multi-dating culture that is not unexpected, but the "anniversary" celebration is all a bit too much IMO.
Honesty is important to me. And it bothered me a couple of years ago when I found this out. The reason I sat on it was related to exactly what some of the earlier posters have stated here: who the hell was I to feel hurt by her dating others...I was married for God's sake! So in my mind I felt I didn't have a base to stand on to voice my objections soundly, so I made a decision to accept and move on with the relationship. At that time, I couldn't have imagined how wonderfully our relationship would blossom, how much we would share and open up to one another about other things, how connected we would become. But now that we are here and she is the woman I want to marry, the honesty to our messy beginnings is something that I feel we owe ourselves. It's not at al about being mad about what happened. That was years ago and we were different people in different situations. It's about breaking down some of the last remaining doors of secrecy that we have from one another in an attempt to ensure we have our base intact and don't give opportunity to even the smallest seeds of discontent as we move into married life. That's what I am after here...openness about it. We have had a similar conversation about my entire marriage from beginning to end, which itself was also full of details that as you share more I am sure don't feel good, but at the end of the conversation leave us both feeling closer like we know each other that much better. That's what I want...to hear her tell me about these things, let me tell her that I love her and understand, and give her the opportunity to know she is loved at her core with even her worst in mind. She has given me that gift with all the messy relationship decisions I have made and shared with her, and so I want us to both feel that closeness together.
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Old 14th June 2017, 10:11 AM   #29
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Talk to her already. Say a lot of what you said in this last post. Assure her that you love her. Reassure her that you are not being a hypocrite about the fidelity but explain that you have a problem with the lies. She may have a similar response that she just didn't know how to tell you & lying was easier. You then have to judge whether she is otherwise a truthful person this one lapse notwithstanding.

But please don't marry without addressing this. It will only fester
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Old 14th June 2017, 12:23 PM   #30
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Talk to her already. Say a lot of what you said in this last post. Assure her that you love her. Reassure her that you are not being a hypocrite about the fidelity but explain that you have a problem with the lies. She may have a similar response that she just didn't know how to tell you & lying was easier. You then have to judge whether she is otherwise a truthful person this one lapse notwithstanding.

But please don't marry without addressing this. It will only fester
Ya, wheels are in motion. Any time we need to talk about something deep or troubling we write an email. Sort of a free flow way to get thoughts in order, put your mind to words, and send it. Then, we talk about it after the emotion of the situation has softened a bit. It's allowed us to jump over that initial stage of being out on the stop and acting defensive or feeling accused. Has led to better conversations and the time to understand each other and see a situation through each other's eyes.

So I have emailed her about it and what it has made me feel. And what my goal in talking about it is.

The email included some other things too which she said she started reading and got through and would like to talk about to address. At the time she said she didn't get through the whole thing yet (it was long and explored feelings). I don't know if she has gone back to it or not yet as I have been out of town for work. I'll be back and see her Sunday so will see how the conversation goes.

Thanks everyone for the help.
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