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Can an adult partner be Punished ?


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Phoenician

I noticed in many threads advises to punish an adult partner when they do a mistake .

 

Examples exists everywhere , they range from simple daily issues to major mistakes like when a wife who used to connect in LDR with men (red a thread about it )...

 

 

Having found difficulty in punishing my partner when they do a mistake I want other opinion about it .

 

In my point of view , an adult responsible partner can not be punished ; trying to put pressure will destroy the whole thing .

 

 

Your experience ? opinion ?

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salparadise

Agreed. But you can allow natural consequences to befall someone, which means refusing to enable. There are relationships in which the dynamic is like a child-parent relationship, of course, but if we're talking about healthy, functional relationships, then no.

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No, of course not.

 

But, in an unhealthy relationship, people try to do this all the time.

 

However, in healthy relationships there must be boundaries. These boundaries may include things like infidelity and when that line is crossed, there are consequences... Things like - the other partner must move out, the other partner may decide to file for divorce, the individual must pay child support, etc... That is not punishment, these are the consequences of infidelity.

Edited by BaileyB
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todreaminblue

consequences areforms of punsihment but consequences are organic and happen without desire to punish the person...every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction....treating soemone badly doesnt euqal a punishment but can mean a loss of feelings...hurt feelings...... a loss of respect and a desire not to be close to that person who is treating you badly.a growing distrust or lack of trust.....i dont believe in punsihment but i do believe in consequence that happens naturally due to actions either yours or others..i believe in forgiveness......hurting someone is a consequence that leads to another consequence......that normally comes straight back at the person who hurts another...some way ...some how.....so forgiveness by the person who has been hurt......no need to punish at all....and for simple mistakes....that are not meant...shouldnt have dire consequence..........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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Phoenician

Agree with above , but still conequences are a form of punishment ; and if they work , they just work in an enforcement mode ; meaning that there is always resentment if one of the partner tries to put such consequences in place .

 

let me give you an example , my wife is a great , educated person , succesfull like me at work ; she is however selfish since her childhood.

 

I am not here to hear advises such as live with it or leave it .

 

I am a person who believe in compromising when it comes to making decisions or when one partner exceeds slightly some boundaries (financial , emotional,etcc...)

 

I was able to change a lot , and believe toward the better ; she never changes , any consequence is considered by her as a punishment ...

 

 

 

 

my question is apart from major issues which are black or white ; like adultery , major issues etc ...

 

how can you make an adult partner learn without triggering resentment ?

 

the moment there consequences , resentment comes with it .

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Consequences and punishments are not same.

 

Without consequences, the unacceptable behavior continues till you decide it's enough. You can't change your partner or anyone till they want to. You can voice your concerns but it's up to them to change or not. If they don't , you have your answer and subconsciously, undelibrately, you will serve them with a consequence.

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Mrs. John Adams

I think you have to define punishment.

 

Consequences are the result of choices.

Punishment can be a consequence.. however a consequence is not always a punishment.

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Introduce maledom/femalesub play into the relationship.

 

Be creative in your punishments.

 

Lol .......

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Lol .......

 

I was actually being serious :D

 

But then again, I have an alternative, idiosyncratic view of relationships.

 

I think trying to exist within the paradigm of traditional relationships was toxic and damaging for me.

 

Turn "punishments" into something that creates even further intimacy. Reframe things into something positive when best you can.

 

But then that comes from a place of relationships being maledom/femalesub. When many modern relationships are femaledom/malesub. With the man trying to passively aggressively punish women through spitefulness - which I find absurd.

 

If this is the OP's dynamic, then I'm not sure what to tell him. You should start as you mean to go on, imo.

 

If the chemistry is not sufficient with this woman to explore his nature thoroughly, then break up. Because there is a massive world out there with all kinds of different experiences. And we all bring out different things in each other.

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The best way is to reward good behavior and never reward bad behavior. Yes, you can withdraw something of value if the behavior is bad, but it needs to be something that's yours to give or take away.

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The best way is to reward good behavior and never reward bad behavior. Yes, you can withdraw something of value if the behavior is bad, but it needs to be something that's yours to give or take away.

 

I agree that is very useful.

 

But, I would warn against doing that out of "getting back" at the other person based on things like resentment or spite.

 

Rather, it should come from a place of being selective about what we allow into our lives and on what terms.

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I agree that is very useful.

 

But, I would warn against doing that out of "getting back" at the other person based on things like resentment or spite.

 

Rather, it should come from a place of being selective about what we allow into our lives and on what terms.

 

Yes, it should be about enforcing boundaries and not tacitly endorsing things which are beyond what is acceptable to you.

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Mrs. John Adams

If we are discussing infidelity and consequences or punishment...then...if you have a truly remorseful spouse...they will accept the consequences of their poor choices. Stricter boundaries...transparency...accountability...etc.

 

If the betrayed spouse is mistreating the wayward by inflicting punishment on them...abusive language...physically abusive etc.....then it is wrong.

 

these two things are not the same

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todreaminblue

i think the word punishment has a way of being congruent with parent child relationships.....except of course as bast said with dom relationships then punishment is about intimacy....and a subs desire to please her dom....

 

we are talking mistakes not major ones...a mistake is soemthing you mediate about discuss in maturity and as adults.....for me a mistake becomes a conscious choice when it is repeated.....and thats where consequence comes in.....

 

as far as learning goes i think thats a mutual thing.....you learn what the other person cant abide or handle boundaries and ways to interact that is productive and progressive...........i do believe in behaving with discipline in a relationship......maybe discipline is a better word......than punishment...implies learning and bundaries more than hurt or pain to another person...discipline when done right isnt done in anger....or a place of spite......but with love and understanding towards the spouse discipline should come from a place of love...and i think or feel the connotation of punishment....doesnt come from a place of love and learning...but of anger..a desire to make the other person pay for their mistake.discipline when done right...and even behavign in a disciplined manner.......only sets the relationship to be one filled with trust and ...i guess ..rightness....justness....growth and progression..deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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how can you make an adult partner learn without triggering resentment ?

 

You can't make an adult partner learn if they don't want to learn.

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Phoenician
You can't make an adult partner learn if they don't want to learn.

 

hence they escape always the consequences because they know we are staying !

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Phoenician
If I have to punish somebody like a child we don't belong together.

 

I agree with you ....

 

I am not punishing my partner ; and when I try to put some consequences when she does wrong things , it is her who resent and say "you can't punish me like a child .

 

I know we are incompatible ;

 

I am trying to find a way to survive this Marriage ; After 18 yrs a lot of weight are on shoulders .

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Phoenician

let me give an example ,

 

 

My wife has a 24x7 helper at home ,who helps in everything ; even thinking what we will eat .

 

 

My wife doesn't even care or teach her how to clean .

 

Our daughter adores Piano , she is agreat pianist .

 

I bought her an old german piano , worth thousands of Dollars

 

 

I told her many times , please , please when cleaning try not have water swipe under it .

 

 

The piano base is spoiled like hell now , when I just said to her that she is irresponsible because she is not paying attention to the helper , she revolted and said it is not her fault.

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You can't make your wife do anything...

 

If you can't have a discussion with her, such that she will listen and consider what you have to say... If she doesn't take responsibility for something as simple as caring for your home... You have some big problems in your marriage.

 

The only time that things will improve in a marriage, is when both people agree that there is a problem and they want to change... It doesn't seem that you have this in your marriage. Which means, you have a decision to make - accept things as they are, or leave.

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It is not your wife's fault that the cleaner does not know how to clean. The only consequence which should happen here is the cleaner should lose their job with you and you should hire a better cleaner.

 

Why didn't you dismiss the cleaner before the piano was ruined?

 

If this is the kind of thing you want to punish your wife for, I am not surprised that she shows you little respect.

Edited by basil67
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let me give an example ,

 

 

My wife has a 24x7 helper at home ,who helps in everything ; even thinking what we will eat .

My wife doesn't even care or teach her how to clean .

Our daughter adores Piano , she is agreat pianist .

I bought her an old german piano , worth thousands of Dollars

I told her many times , please , please when cleaning try not have water swipe under it .

The piano base is spoiled like hell now , when I just said to her that she is irresponsible because she is not paying attention to the helper , she revolted and said it is not her fault.

 

Why can't you take the home help aside and tell her you want her to be more careful whilst she is mopping up around the piano. It is not just your wife's responsibility here. YOU don't want the piano spoiled so you need to make sure it isn't spoiled.

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And I wonder, why does your wife have a 24/7 helper in the home that takes responsibility for the cooking and cleaning? Is there a reason for that? Does your wife work? Is it possible that you have actually enabled this problem with your wife...

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Phoenician
It is not your wife's fault that the cleaner does not know how to clean. The only consequence which should happen here is the cleaner should lose their job with you and you should hire a better cleaner.

 

Why didn't you dismiss the cleaner before the piano was ruined?

 

If this is the kind of thing you want to punish your wife for, I am not surprised that she shows you little respect.

 

I gave an example here ; and no straight no ,when a man is paying a hell of money to a helper for his wife , working 13 hours aday while she works 6-7 and spend the rest of the day shopping or watching Indian / turkish series ; the least expected is to take responsibility of monitoring what the helper is doing .

 

 

 

And it is not right that as a husband deal with a female helper ;Shall Instruct the helper how to clean my underware ! my wife should be the Lady of the house ; I am not expecting her to mop the floor ; All what I expect in this case is to watch the B when she does mistakes.

 

 

A Wife should Obey her husband wishes when he asks for them respectfully ,

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