Should I leave my "loveless" marriage?

[a_l_l_mandy]

I don't know where to begin. There is so much that, I feel, factors into our relationship. Forgive me if I jump around at times...

 

About me;

I'm a 36yo mom of 5... two are my husbands (ages4&7) and three are from 3 other men. My oldest son is 21 (whom I had at 15) and my daughter is almost 20 (whom I had at 16). Even though they don't have the same dad (my son still has not met his real dad), the same man and his family (mostly his family) raised them both. My third child, who is 11 now, came from a good friend and a wild, drunken night. However, he became involved with a woman and they both became addicted to coke. Needless to say, they both lost their families and possessions. I met my husband when my third child was 2yo.

I have always been independent. I moved into my own apartment just one month after I turned 18. I went to school full time and worked 2-3 jobs at a time. By the time I met my husband, I had earned my BA in law&justice and was working for a local state legislatures office.

Also, by the time I met my husband, I had lived an entire lifetime (I feel). I had many lovers (both sexes), many jobs, kids, had been arrested, had gone through heartaches, put my parents through (what I can only imagine) hell, went to college, grew up (along side my 2 oldest), and found meaning to life!

 

About him;

When we met, he was 28. According to him and his friends, I was his first. He lost his virginity to me.

He already had depression and was on medication.

He had just moved into his own apartment for the first time.

He had a pretty bad gambling problem.

He was charming and innocent, and sweet. He seemed confident and assertive. He knew what he wanted. He put his parents (especially his mom) on a pedestal. He loved my kids and was an awesome father figure. He treated me with respect.

He was a little socially awkward, but I was baffled by the fact that he never had a real girlfriend. Especially considering how well he treated my kids and I.

 

About Us;

He moved in with me almost a year after we met. I was pregnant. He was an awesome dad to my kids, especially my youngest....and even my oldest who was 11 at the time and having severe behavior problems from ADHD, ODD.

I miscarried our first baby, but was pregnant with our second a few months later.

Towards the end of our pregnancy, at his insistence, I left my job to raise the kids. Not long after, he got a dui and lost his position as a us mail carrier. As we sold all of our belongings off to continue to pay our rent, he slipped deeper and deeper into depression. His parents came and took him for a short time, because he was drinking heavely, in an attempt to sober him up and straighten him out.

After this, I asked my father to get him a job with him, which he did.

 

We have had rocky times and smooth times. Over the years we have grown distant. Well, he has grown distant. I still love him as much as I did when we met. I still find him just as sexy as I did when we met. I show him my affection. I love him unconditionally. I have been patient.

 

Problems;

Back in 2011, my oldest son got in trouble for smoking weed and the complex we lived at had a strict drug policy. We thought we could fight it and stay, but at the same time we were still looking, just in case. During our search, we found out I was pregnant again. We decided it would be best if we found a bigger place and moved on. That's what we did.

We are now living in this hell hole fixer upper that we don't have the time or money to fix.

The constant fights about how things were at home were a terrible strain. I wasn't working, so essentially responsible for 7 people. My husband felt that since he worked and brought home whatever money, he shouldn't have to do anything at home and I was responsible for everything. It was a constant fight. It turned into him constantly putting me down and negating my feelings. I was always stupid and neurotic for feeling second class. But that's what I was. Me and the kids. Football came first. Then work. Us third. But then when he got his motorcycle (that he promised would make him happy and more friendly), that just bumped us down to fourth place.

 

The "affair";

So things had been crappy for years. I had been threatening to leave, knowing I wouldn't~but holding the hope that he'd change. I hated how I was treated, I hated his lack of effort. And I was vocal about it. I always was. I always told him if I was sad, or hurt, or offended, or didn't like how he treated me. He always responded in a manner that brushed my feelings aside.

Beginning of 2016 I decided I had enough. I would no longer put up the effort and fight for him. At the end of June, when the kids got done school, I packed them and my camper up, and I left. Granted, I came home end of August. And granted, I only went to see my in-laws in Florida. Most would think that would shake some sense into him, being gone for 2months....NO!

Instead, he fell in love with a girl at his work. A girl hired through a temp agency that wanted nothing more than to secure a permanent position by flirting with as many regulars as possible that would give her a good word.

And my husband, who has supposedly never had the chance to be with anyone else, fell head over heals for this hot girl. (just to put out there, since meeting each other, both my husband and I have gained about 100lbs each.)

 

In September, he came home in the middle of the night, woke me up, and preceded to tell me about this other girl, and how he was considering taking their relationship to the "next level", leaving the kids and me, and going to stay with her. Of course, I cried and pleaded my case.

Turns out, this chick had a husband and 3 kids of her own, she never intended for anything but a secure job, and his co-workers laughed at him for being so gullible.

 

The damage;

So we decided to try therapy. He has depression, he hasn't been happy for years..what could it hurt? Well, me apparently. It came out that he no longer finds me attractive. Not even a little. But he "still loves me."

Then it all started making sense. All the times I tried to hug him or hold his hand. And he would pretty much cringe and push me away. Every time I touch him, I'm rejected. We've had about a total of 3minutes worth of sex over the last 7 months. It's not even about sex. It's the intimacy. The emotional connection. I'm empty. I'm so emotionally exhausted, that I'm physically exhausted.

He keeps telling me it's a process and he has to get his meds right. That he does love me.

But it has been a process for at least 6 years now. And he isn't putting forth any more effort.

I can't help but feel like, in reality, he doesn't find me attractive because he doesn't really love me anymore. (I mean, if you love someone, you love them~and how they look~and how they act.)

I love him. And I think he's beautiful no matter how much he gains or what he looks like.

My whole life, watching my parents and the loveless relationship they have, I have always said, I will not end up like them. I will not settle for that. I will find someone who loves me for all that I do for him. I will find someone who cherishes me and puts me first. Yet here I am...empty. crying every night. feeling like my soul is being ripped out. just wanting it all to end already. So what do I do? Just give up and walk away, or continue being patient?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes... you should leave this loveless damaged relationship.

 

There are so many issues.. I don't even know where you would begin to repair them.

[alsudduth]

My whole life, watching my parents and the loveless relationship they have, I have always said, I will not end up like them. I will not settle for that.

 

So Don't.

 

Read up on this thing called the 180. It's time to focus on you for a change. You need to look at it as stopping a cycle....do you want your kids to look at your relationship and tell themselves the same thing you told yourself as a child only to end up in the exact same position later in life because they don't know anything different?

 

In addition to MC - get some individual counseling to help you find a starting point to get back to YOUR center. Remind yourself of the accomplishments you have made and the obstacles you have overcome in your life.

 

I will find someone who loves me for all that I do for him. I will find someone who cherishes me and puts me first.

 

Yes. yes you will.

Edited May 25, 2017 by alsudduth

[BaileyB]

Yes, you should leave this loveless, damaged relationship.

 

There are just way too many issues here to hope that this relationship will ever be healthy and happy. I'm sorry.

[mightycpa]

Maybe, before you go, you should try doing something together... like losing 100 lbs. each.

 

If nothing else, it will leave each of you in a better position for being single again.

[Mr. Lucky]

My whole life, watching my parents and the loveless relationship they have, I have always said, I will not end up like them. I will not settle for that. I will find someone who loves me for all that I do for him. I will find someone who cherishes me and puts me first. Yet here I am...empty. crying every night. feeling like my soul is being ripped out. just wanting it all to end already. So what do I do? Just give up and walk away, or continue being patient?

 

I don't see it as a question of giving up, to me at this point it's more about saving yourself.

 

If love and acceptance are what you want, the many relationships, pregnancies and men you've picked have been the wrong way to get there. So before you find yourself with child #6 from Dad #5, time to do some work under the hood to find out why the destructive choices. Gaining 100 lbs falls into the same category, it's the opposite of cherishing yourself and putting you first.

 

Wish your H well and tell him to work on getting better, you're going to do the same. Find a therapist or counselor you're comfortable with and start asking "why". Hope you find happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Krtk]

OK first everyone deserved to be loved no matter what you going through personally a hug and a kiss to your partner time to time wouldn't hurt as they are available to share what you going through is appreciable before anything as others said try 180 and Mc to give your marriage a try and before coming to any decision make yourself financially independent as you stated your jobless as of know you have to take care of kids also right So he may thinking your not doing enough and if you start take care of yourself more your problem mostly would be solved. If thinks didn't go as you wished you could come out of this relationship as a strong independent women who could take care of herself and kids.