I'm not interested in sex b/c DH is a lousy lover

[SandyFeet57]

I've been reading lots of posts about sexless marriages and they surely are upsetting. My marriage is definitely low sex. But it's not because I don't want sex, I don't like sex with my DH. He doesn't really touch me the way I like. It's a turn off and not a turn on.

 

In fairness, it was this way when we were dating and I never spoke up. We had sex more regularly then - like 3 times a week. I just kind of pretended I liked it.

 

We've been in marriage counseling for a few months and we've started talking about sex. Instead of telling him I don't like what/how he's doing it, I've been telling him that after 14 years of marriage and 2 kids I'm ready for things to change a little in the bedroom. The conversations are awkward (especially on my part). I feel like he is groping me instead of caressing me. He also doesn't know all the body parts and what they do. (Grew up in a family of all boys). To the point, until 2 years ago he thought I urinated from my vagina.

 

I've bought some books for us to "read together" as inspiration for things to try but he's taking it all pretty personally and feeling inadequate. In the throws I'll try to give some direction like "slow down" "a little softer" "slide down a little" "turn this way". The problem is, I have to say these things EVERY time (like for years now). He's not realizing I don't want the stubble from his chin rubbing mine and chaffing it, so each time I have to push on his chin to get him to tuck it a bit. He's getting tired of being told what to do all the time in bed and I'm getting frustrated with telling him each time and yet still being groped. Yuck.

 

Are there any books or techniques out there for teaching an old dog new tricks? Or starting from scratch? Is it salvageable to make sex fun again?

 

Thanks for reading.

[aileD]

Have you said "I feel like I tell you the same thing over and over about how I like it and you're not catching on. Could you please make it a point to remember so we don't have to discuss it every time? It would make our sex like better"

 

Have you asked him what he likes about what you do to him? Start a conversation that goes both ways.

 

 

???

 

Listen. You gotta be up front.

 

I'm sure there are videos out there that teach techniques. They're porn related, and that's where you'll find them. Books do nothing. Show a video!

[reboot]

You should have been telling him way back when you were just dating. Sex is not supposed to be an obligation, it's supposed to be fun.

[mercy]

google tantric sex. Here's a good starter -

 

Tantric Sex For Beginners: 4 Easy Tips! | Care2 Healthy Living

[Cephalopod]

Ask him to go to a sex therapist with you.

 

Believe it or not, not all men are natural born hot-rods in bed. Some guys have to be taught, one step at a time. Some women are the same.

 

Look at this as an opportunity instead of a problem: you have a chance to help mould him into the lover of your dreams.

[BluesPower]

Ask him to go to a sex therapist with you.

 

Believe it or not, not all men are natural born hot-rods in bed. Some guys have to be taught, one step at a time. Some women are the same.

 

Look at this as an opportunity instead of a problem: you have a chance to help mould him into the lover of your dreams.

 

Listen, I know that maybe he has a fragile ego, ok cool. But like Cephalopod says, girl you really should have been more vocal about this stuff about 14 years ago.

 

Here is the deal, you need to be honest and you need to go to extreme measures to get him to understand what you want and need.

 

The first rule of sex is that the woman comes first. What she needs, she gets. If you did not know this was the rule, how is the world would he.

 

Partners have a responsibility to teach each other what they want.

 

You two defiantly have to go to a reliable experienced sex therapist. Let the therapist help you talk to him and teach him because you, frankly, are a poor communicator, and I am certain he is as well.

 

You do not have to live your life like this. And if you think he will be upset when he figures out he sucks in bed, your right. But think about how he, and you, will feel when he better understands how to bring you to orgasm and how much more sex you will want when he gets better at it.

 

In the end he will love you for it. And he would be more hurt if you had an affair so you could get some decent sex for once.

 

You need to tackle this head on and get it fixed ASAP.

[Ahurtgirl]

Sex was awful in my marriage. It was never tested before we married because we believed you save it until married. I guess there should have been some type of chemistry but at 19 and raised to never talk about and no understanding about sex, I had no idea. It turns out he was gay. If it's not good sex, why bother. He might have low testosterone or closet gay (seriously, not all gay guys seem gay and flamboyant ).

My marriage was good in every other aspect. We are still friends and a gay exhusband is probably the most supportive of the exhusbands out there.

Could your husband have low testosterone?

[Davey L]

Please also consider your own role in this. He won't know what you do and don't like if he doesn't get any feedback from you. He may feel as though he's just blundering about in the dark, figuratively as well as literally.

 

Also, if you aren't enjoying it then quite likely he isn't either, and could equally be writing the same complaint as you. You need to work together on this and it probably isn't as simple as you are good at it / he's bad at it.

[Mr. Lucky]

In the throws I'll try to give some direction like "slow down" "a little softer" "slide down a little" "turn this way". The problem is, I have to say these things EVERY time (like for years now). He's not realizing I don't want the stubble from his chin rubbing mine and chaffing it, so each time I have to push on his chin to get him to tuck it a bit. He's getting tired of being told what to do all the time in bed and I'm getting frustrated with telling him each time and yet still being groped. Yuck.

 

Why not tell him for the next month, you'll be in charge?

 

You'll initiate and demonstrate, both by touching him and yourself, how you'd like things to go. You'll also use positions, such as you on top, that give you control over touch and speed. Tell him also good students get to stay after class .

 

I'd guess one demo would be worth a thousand words...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

Why did you marry him if you knew this about him?

[rick2016]

It sounds like your very fussy in bed, you may need to mark the areas you like to be touched so he knows exactly were to go, and maybe each time he can change the routine...

I would think if he did oral on you , it would not be groping.

I can imagine he is feeling pretty low and worthless at this point..Nothing could be worse and a turn off then knowing your not good enough.

[Krtk]

I've been reading lots of posts about sexless marriages and they surely are upsetting. My marriage is definitely low sex. But it's not because I don't want sex, I don't like sex with my DH. He doesn't really touch me the way I like. It's a turn off and not a turn on.

 

In fairness, it was this way when we were dating and I never spoke up. We had sex more regularly then - like 3 times a week. I just kind of pretended I liked it.

 

We've been in marriage counseling for a few months and we've started talking about sex. Instead of telling him I don't like what/how he's doing it, I've been telling him that after 14 years of marriage and 2 kids I'm ready for things to change a little in the bedroom. The conversations are awkward (especially on my part). I feel like he is groping me instead of caressing me. He also doesn't know all the body parts and what they do. (Grew up in a family of all boys). To the point, until 2 years ago he thought I urinated from my vagina.

 

I've bought some books for us to "read together" as inspiration for things to try but he's taking it all pretty personally and feeling inadequate. In the throws I'll try to give some direction like "slow down" "a little softer" "slide down a little" "turn this way". The problem is, I have to say these things EVERY time (like for years now). He's not realizing I don't want the stubble from his chin rubbing mine and chaffing it, so each time I have to push on his chin to get him to tuck it a bit. He's getting tired of being told what to do all the time in bed and I'm getting frustrated with telling him each time and yet still being groped. Yuck.

 

Are there any books or techniques out there for teaching an old dog new tricks? Or starting from scratch? Is it salvageable to make sex fun again?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Firstly the mistake is from your side you shouldn't have pretended to like the sex if you didn't.

Then teaching him of what your likes and dislikes in bed and touching your generous spots should be happened in dating period not after 14yrs of marriage and 2 kids. As of know I think you should experiment sex rather then doing actuall sex like touching clit and tell him about nerve ends and pace variation while pounding. Watch some videos related to sex in specificed topics like and learn different positions you know he's little experienced regarding women body the mistake is yours you should do some heavy work don't tell him rather show him how you like by actions read articles regarding and experiment it should be fun

[elaine567]

I am sorry but I guess he is pretty happy with the sex as it is and how it has been for 14 years and does not appreciate being told to "slow down" "a little softer" "slide down a little" "turn this way"...

He probably actually wants to "grope" you.

 

He is most likely not interested in what you want, if he was, he would not need told twice. It is all very well saying he may be "confused", but sex is hardly rocket science, if someone tells me to turn right to get to my destination, then I only need told once. I do not keep turning left and have them then have to keep telling me "Turn right, for God's sake..."

 

People only "change" when they want to change. If he is ignoring your requests to try and improve your sex life, then he basically doesn't want to change.

 

Has he been brought up to think sex is only for men? If so, I can see why it may be an uphill struggle.

[SandyFeet57]

This has been a pretty sensitive topic, for sure. I know it should be easier to discuss with your spouse, but for us it just has not been and we are working to change it.

 

Why did I marry him? I love him and our family and everything we've built/done together. I didn't think it would be as big of a deal to me as I got older and thought I could live with mediocre/bad sex. What did I know? I was young and in love. Dating and marriage don't come with a rule book and being young and in love, I was not always the most logical I guess.

 

Hindsight is clearly 20/20 and I fully own that I should have been more communicative. Absolutely. I've owned that from my first post. And, I'm not so fussy in bed and am usually willing to try different things though I'm sure I have my limits.

 

This is not all one sided, I know.

 

Thank you all for your feedback. I do see this as an opportunity.

[Cephalopod]

What is happening between you and your husband is totally fixable. It is not something you want to even consider divorcing over unless he is just flat unwilling to work on the problem with you. He has to be brave enough to ask for help and learn, and you need to loving, gentle, understanding, communicative and patient with him.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is all very well saying he may be "confused", but sex is hardly rocket science

 

Neither is saving money. Or, for the most part, raising kids.

 

Yet it's eye-opening to see how many marriages fall apart over poor communication and resentments in each of these areas.

 

As Cephalopod said, this is fixable. And the OP's attitude is encouraging. One down...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

I hate to hear about your issues but I want you to know that you can fix this and make it fun while you do.

 

Be careful how you criticize him.. he is sensitive and now he is feeling inadequate which can also put a damper on things.

 

Can you have a nice romantic weekend? New lingerie... a new book on sex techniques... maybe even a new toy?

Go to a hotel and just have a weekend of lovemaking and making each other feel special.

 

And don't forget to tell him when he does something you like.... and ask him if you can do something special for him... he might also have some issue that he wants addressed.

 

Sex is fun... don't make it work and complicated.

 

We have found as time has passed in our sex life that as we have experimented we found things we like and things we don't like.. but the journey has sure been fun

[standtall]

google tantric sex. Here's a good starter -

 

Tantric Sex For Beginners: 4 Easy Tips! | Care2 Healthy Living

 

You're joking right? Did you read the original post? It would be like asking a 3 yr old to solve Fermat's conjecture. He doesn't even want to do or read the basics....I think baby steps are in order here.

[SandyFeet57]

Until 2 years ago, he literally thought I urinated from my vagina. He doesn't even know the body parts. His ego is fragile, so every time the subject is broached, I backed down.

 

He just doesn't get it.

 

We've been discussing and his hurt ego is suffering. We are barely speaking and he's depressed.

Edited May 26, 2017 by SandyFeet57

[Krtk]

Until 2 years ago, he literally thought I urinated from my vagina. He doesn't even know the body parts. His ego is fragile, so every time the subject is broached, I backed down.

 

He just doesn't get it.

 

We've been discussing and his hurt ego is suffering. We are barely speaking and he's depressed.

 

OK, talk to him about how you feel and there is no point in hurting ego here it's for both of you for the best and he must be willing to communicate otherwise your relationship will affect immensely and don't push him too much at ones you can get many instruction video regarding sex in adult website you both can watch together so he doesn't feel bad or anything it's just some porn and can be usefull.tr.y what you learn one by one then it will become a routine itself and he can be better. First try to do these things good luck.

[Friskyone4u]

I am sorry but I guess he is pretty happy with the sex as it is and how it has been for 14 years and does not appreciate being told to "slow down" "a little softer" "slide down a little" "turn this way"...

He probably actually wants to "grope" you.

 

He is most likely not interested in what you want, if he was, he would not need told twice. It is all very well saying he may be "confused", but sex is hardly rocket science, if someone tells me to turn right to get to my destination, then I only need told once. I do not keep turning left and have them then have to keep telling me "Turn right, for God's sake..."

 

People only "change" when they want to change. If he is ignoring your requests to try and improve your sex life, then he basically doesn't want to change.

 

Has he been brought up to think sex is only for men? If so, I can see why it may be an uphill struggle.

 

Sounds to me like he needs a big whack on the head since he is exhibiting their common sense of someone with a single digit IQ. If you speak the same language and he just for years ignores you, then he is one selfish or one stupid dude.

You need to get over your concern about what you say in therapy and your therapist should be dragging it out of you if they are doing their job since you have not been able to get through to him.

At 14 years married, you are most likely still young and this resentment ( well earned) is going to spill over into something bad eventually.

And lastly, if I read it right his beard stubble or beard scratches you and he refuses to fix that with something called a razor. I'd tell him your legs are staying together until his face resembles a baby's ass

[sandylee1]

Men in general can be incredibly sensitive about this. I do understand how it didn't seem an issue at first, because at different times in our lives, we have different priorities.

 

A stable, good looking loving reliable man can seem like all you need for a while, until you need or want more.

 

I don't get why some men think groping is remotely romantic. I've had that very same issue myself and it hasn't impress me much.

[preraph]

You waited too late. He'd have been much more trainable in the early days of dating. now he's been thinking he's a stud all these years and just thinks you're who has changed.

 

Some guys cannot take any instruction about sex without getting their hair up because they take it as criticism. Every woman is different, and guys need to learn to be guided. I would say praise when and if he does something right is the best way with him. So if he finally hits the spot, tell him yes, you are so good, that's exactly the spot, keep doing that, yes, YESSSSS, etc.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wait just a minute..

 

If my husband of 45 years approaches me with love and kindness and asks me to "change" something sexually...I am much more open to accomadating him. But if he came to me and started criticizing the way i have made love all these years...he might have a small problem.

 

None of us know how she has approached this issue...she is all about complaining...but what does the man do right? Does he do EVERYTHING wrong?

 

....and it is quite possible that she is not the greatest lover either...and he has never complained.

 

Sex is a very sensitive area...you cannot just start grading someone on performance...and demand they make changes becasue you have now decided what they have been doing all these years is not acceptable.

 

Most of us...especially me...knew very little about sex...and i have learned as we went along. If she was never willing to guide him and teach him and tell him and experiment...all of this blame certainly cannot and should not be assigned to this husband.

 

SEx is a learning process...and she chose to keep silent and now 14 years later she wants to complain. YOu can't expect this man to be able to read her mind....and i have a feeling..there is more to this story than she is sharing.

 

If she is not happy with him in general...it might be that sex has now become a bigger issue than it ever has been. If you have a bad attitude about the relationship in general...perhaps sex is now the most vulnerable place to attack him.

[Mr. Lucky]

SEx is a learning process...and she chose to keep silent and now 14 years later she wants to complain. YOu can't expect this man to be able to read her mind....and i have a feeling..there is more to this story than she is sharing.

 

In one of our more brutal arguments, my ex-wife said something to the effect of "you just get on top and stick it in". This from a woman that said "no" to every suggested or attempted foreplay, position, toy, oil or form of oral sex.

 

I'm not projecting that onto the OP, but I do agree there are two sides to every story, this one included...

 

Mr. Lucky