WhirlwindGuy Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I am curious was to what the collective's take is on "checking in". If you go out with the boys, or out with the girls for the night or weekend. Do you check in? Does your spouse expect you to? Do you think its appropriate? I am in my second marriage now and things are overall pretty darn good. She has a fairly large group of friends and they occasionally do girls weekends or nights out. I am TOTALLY OK with that. In fact, I encourage it. That said, I kind of expect that when she is out, she at least checks in with me and lets me know she made it home safe at the end of the night...of course, that is if she isn't coming home. If she is, just let me know a general idea of when she may be home so I am not worrying too much. Is that being too needy or smothering? She went out of town last night with her friends to a concert. We text here and there up until around 9. Around 1030 I text her and said I was going to bed and to be careful. I n ever heard anything back from her. In fact, I still haven't. I am sure she is fine, I have seen her sister post on facebook since then, and she is with her sister. I am debating whether or not to bring it up or make an issue of it, or just let it go and try and not be so needy. In other words. I am trying to improve myself and how I am in relationships. Is this something I should just get over, or should I make it known that I would appreciate a check in for situations like this? thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I think it's VERY reasonable to expect a check in at least at the end of the night, so you know that she got back to her hotel or whatever safe. My husband does some travel for work, I was never worried about cheating, but especially if he was going out with the boys to party some, or would be out on a motorcycle etc, I needed to have a check in otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. And he expects the same from me, to let him know I have made it to where I need to be in one piece. I think it's normal and reasonable to expect such a thing. It's a courtesy to those who care for us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 We normally call once every one or two days when we're apart - if I'm on business or she is visiting family or whatever. Expecting multiple calls/texts when on a night out feels a bit needy or smothering to me. But then I'm from a generation that pre-dates mobile telephones. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Yes, I think checking in is very reasonable. Of course people will forget once in a while, and if you said you were going to bed she might have thought she didn't want to bother you after that. So no reason to get too upset about it in this particular instance really, just a gentle reminder that you like to know she got home safe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Checking in when out and getting back home is not only reasonable but smart and safe. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just ask that that become a "thing" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 It's just common courtesy, in my opinion. I don't think that it's unreasonable for you to ask that she check in to let you know that she has arrived safely. I would be more concerned if you asked her to contact you occasionally, and she didn't make the effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Thank you for the feedback. I think ill mention it this evening. Something along the lines of, "Hey, let's make a pact that we let each other know we made it home safe at the end of the night, if we aren't coming home, just so neither one of us worry too much." Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Would she have to mention it to you? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 We don't check in if we're only going to be gone for a few hours. For example, I have a continuing education class tonight & then we have dinner afterwards. I will not check in with my husband. I'll simply see him when I get home. When we have travelled separately, usually him for business & me socially, we text good morning & call before bed. We love each other. Why wouldn't we want to talk to each other, especially if one of us is doing something unusual? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Does it happen all the time or just last night? If her sister was posting, maybe your wife's phone died? I like your approach, I hope it works out. Hubby and me always check in with each other. We also have an app on our phone that shows where we are 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 We have an app that shows where are at all times for peace of mind, and I can have it alert me when he arrives home or at a certain location if I want it to. It's not for cheating, just for peace of mind. Other than that, we only call or text when we are apart if we have something to say. It's not uncommon for us to not have any contact for a day or so while we're apart and we often go multiple days without a phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 If you truly want to improve yourself and how you are in a relationship with a wife, then stop asking here and just tell her. The beauty of being married is that you CAN come across a little needy once in a while without it being a death sentence. Just tell her that when she goes away for a weekend, even if she knows that she'll wake you, to send you a text whenever she gets back from a night out, because you love her and you'll sleep better knowing she's ok. My wife would think it was sweet. If yours distances herself from you because of that, you've got much bigger problems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 It is reasonable as long as you both hold each other to the same requirements. But always be on the lookout for defensiveness. That is a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 We have an app that shows where are at all times for peace of mind, and I can have it alert me when he arrives home or at a certain location if I want it to. It's not for cheating, just for peace of mind. Other than that, we only call or text when we are apart if we have something to say. It's not uncommon for us to not have any contact for a day or so while we're apart and we often go multiple days without a phone call. LIfe360? Love it. My kids are on it too. I like how I get alerts when they leave school or arrive home Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) I actually feel checking in is almost a necessity......its courteous thoughtful and lets the person know you are thinking about them by lettign them know you are ok..even if you dotn enjoy checking in ....i think its a done thing..it gives a set routine....so if that routine is broken you know something is up or amiss..... i always check in,when i am in a relationship because i have been the recipient of many a sleepless night....worrying.....when all it could have taken to ease my mind was to know my partner was ok......not me doing prayer vigils all night....and some times through the next day.....every car i would sense turn into my road my heart would leap i woudl look out my window...........and i would be hopeful...to watch it drive past...and my heart to sink and go ok more prayers....i would sometimes check my phone because i thought i heard it ring .......to find nothing.....ill never do that to someone..... when all it really takes is a minute to say text or call ......hey im ok im home...... or im on my way or im staying out ill be home tomorrow you can contact me here if you need to(not that i would but that i could) .....i have seen some horrible things in life had horrible things happen to me personally and to those i love....i think its cruel not to check in...honestly..for me anyway...it triggers... soon i think everyoen will need to check in with loved ones regularly...every day/////...the world is getting cold....and more dangerous...cant even attend a teeny bopper concert without the possibility of a bomb or an explosion......its only going to get harder ...colder...more dangerous...........deb Edited May 22, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 We always check and when we arrive somewhere "far" and check in when we return home. If either of us go to visit family, girls/boys weekend, or any location far from home, we check in for peace of mind. If I go out with friends, he always wants to know when I arrive home. If he's already said goodnight and asleep before I get home, he wants to wake up and know I arrived home safely (we don't live together yet). It's just common courtesy between couples who love each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 Personally I would find that smothering. I don't like to be tied to my phone and many of my girl-nights involve camping or otherwise being outside, often in areas with poor cell reception. That pact would never work for me. Is it really about her safety if you have access to her sister's social media and know your wife is safe? Another thing to consider is lags with texts. My Bf and I have different cell phone brands and carriers and it can take 6-8 hours for us to get each other's texts sometimes... While we are in the same house. So, it's possible she didn't see your text or saw it much later. I hope you don't let technological issues lead to resentment. Different strokes for different folks though.... If it's something you want/ expect, talk to her about it. Just don't make her feel guilty for this particular instance, if it wasn't previously an explicit expectation. Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 I would guess since your last message said you were going to sleep, she maybe didn't want to wake you up when you she got back. I would have just sent a nudge in the morning, telling her you were thinking of her and ask if she was having a good time and to have a mimosa at breakfast for you or something like that...keep it light. Then the next evening if she is still out or away, before you say goodnight, ask her to send you a good night text when she hits the hay herself so you know she made it back to where ever she is staying safely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rick2016 Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Checking in at the end of the night is fine..BUT if the two of you are sending text message back and forth through-out the night... for the other people it annoying and darn right RUDE.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhirlwindGuy Posted May 31, 2017 Author Share Posted May 31, 2017 Just wanted to follow up to close the loop here. She got home around 3PM, just so happens I had gotten off work a bit earlier than normal so we got home around the same time. She hugged and kissed me, told me how much she missed me. I did the same. After she settled in, I mentioned that I hadn't slept well and in the future, lets be sure we at least let each other know we made it back in safe. I said, even if I am asleep when you text me, at least I can see it in the morning and not be left to wonder about it all day. She totally agreed, apologized, and I told her its not a big deal, we hadn't talked about it before, but now we know. That was that. All is well in our world again Thank you for all of the feedback. This place is invaluable at times. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 31, 2017 Share Posted May 31, 2017 Just wanted to follow up to close the loop here. She got home around 3PM, just so happens I had gotten off work a bit earlier than normal so we got home around the same time. She hugged and kissed me, told me how much she missed me. I did the same. After she settled in, I mentioned that I hadn't slept well and in the future, lets be sure we at least let each other know we made it back in safe. I said, even if I am asleep when you text me, at least I can see it in the morning and not be left to wonder about it all day. She totally agreed, apologized, and I told her its not a big deal, we hadn't talked about it before, but now we know. That was that. All is well in our world again Thank you for all of the feedback. This place is invaluable at times. Good to hear. Boundaries. Every healthy marriage has strong boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
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