What did you learn from the [affair during/after you reconciled]?

[wmacbride]

If you are an ws or bs who has reconciled, what is some of your best advice that you would like to share?

 

What have you learned?

 

Personally, I would say that time can make a huge difference. Not just the passing of time, but what you choose to do with it. Before my husband's A and the work we both put in afterwards, I didn't fully realize just how much control you actually have over your own life. I hadn't really thought about it all that much, but it's true.

 

I've also learned a lot about patience, humility and grace. Not from myself so much, but from my spouse. His affair and the issues surrounding it nearly broke him, but he was willing to face everything and work his way through it. I know it wasn't easy for him, but he was willing to do so because our marriage mattered to him. I know how that sounds when it it's being used to describe someone who had an affair, but it's true.

Edited May 19, 2017 by wmacbride

[reboot]

I learned that a leopard usually can't change its spots.

[Overtaxed]

I'd say that you never know how your going to react to a situation until you're in it. I got married with the knowledge that I could be here one day, I thought as the WS because I'm very high drive, but, just the idea that, IMHO, most marriages experience infidelity at some point; if your not "OK" with that, don't get married.

 

All those rationalizations and "I'm ready for this" didn't mean squat come d-day. I felt exactly what everyone else feels; just a shocking feeling of lack of respect/trust and care in the relationship. I expected to be able to say "It was just sex", but, it wasn't (at least not for my W), and that was clear immediately. The emotions and hurt was beyond what I anticipated, I really thought that I could "think my way though it", but, you can't. It's a raw emotion, yes, you can move past/through it, but you can't just disregard it.

 

The other thing I learned right after the A is my W's capacity to lie. You guys (and girls) all told me to be ready for the TT, and, I was, I knew 90% of the "real truth" from their correspondence, my W knew it, and she would still lie right to my face. It was devastating, that and the sexual acts they did together that we don't/didn't do, those were, by far, the hardest things to get over. I was ready for a "oops, I slept with someone A", I was not ready for what actually happened.

 

It's been a painful road, we're about 5 months out now and it's been steps forward and back. Still think about it most of my waking hours. Still can't believe the sexual details from the A. As much as I hate it, it does explain why guys seek out and groom A partners; the sex they can get with them is far beyond what most people get in a marriage.

 

And today? I'm learning that you can heal. It is possible to forgive. And people can change, both for the bad and good. It's OK to live a day at a time if that's what it takes. And no matter what, if you can survive this, you can survive anything; what is there to be afraid of anymore?

[KimJ1234]

Before the A I trusted my H 100%. I naively thought "he would never cheat on me, we're soulmates"

 

My gut told me something was wrong but I ignored it.

 

Now I trust my instincts 100%. More than my H. I will never trust anyone as much as I did before.

 

I have a more realistic outlook.

 

There's no such thing as 'soulmates'. My marriage will only be as positive as the amount of work we put into it.

 

I also thought "once a cheater always a cheater". IMO this is not true. People are able to learn from their mistakes and change for the better.

 

EVERYONE is capable of cheating, given the right (or wrong?) circumstances. IMO.

[William]

As this thread is regarding life partnerships or marriages which have reconciled after an affair, I'll move the content to MLP and clarify the topic..

 

If you are an ws or bs who has reconciled, what is some of your best advice that you would like to share?

 

If members are former wayward partners/spouses or betrayed partners/spouses and have reconciled with the partner/spouse in that situation, please offer your experiences and advice on what you learned from the affair, and, adjunct, reconciliation process.

 

Thanks!

[KimJ1234]

Advice:

Don't compare your relationship to everyone else's 'perfect' marriage. You have no idea the turmoil they may be hiding.

 

Be realistic about marriage. It's not a fairytale. There's going to be really crappy parts.

[jenkins95]

Advice:

Don't compare your relationship to everyone else's 'perfect' marriage. You have no idea the turmoil they may be hiding.

 

Be realistic about marriage. It's not a fairytale. There's going to be really crappy parts.

 

Excellent advice. Five minutes on Facebook and my wife is convinced that everyone else is living out a perpetual party and that their marriages are one long smile-filled dreamy paradise.

 

Of course, she has no idea about what they DON'T post on Facebook.

 

Large stretches of marriage as life in general can be mundane, frustrating and cr*ppy sadly. But believing it's perfect for everyone else just leads to unrealistic expectations and resentment.

[jenkins95]

One thing I am learning is that recovery will be a life long commitment and the marriage needs to be worked on constantly (all marriages do, but A-affected marriages need extra TLC) l. Sally, I also now realise that the affair will never be 100% forgotten. However great any case of R is, the affair leaves an indelible strain that will hopefully fade but will never fully be erased.

 

In the early days of R, I hoped we be pretty much back to normal in 6 months. At two years out I now see how ridiculous that was.

 

Good luck all!

[wmacbride]

As this thread is regarding life partnerships or marriages which have reconciled after an affair, I'll move the content to MLP and clarify the topic..

 

If members are former wayward partners/spouses or betrayed partners/spouses and have reconciled with the partner/spouse in that situation, please offer your experiences and advice on what you learned from the affair, and, adjunct, reconciliation process.

 

Thanks!

 

Thanks for this:)

 

I'm really interested in hearing form others who have reconciled.

[wmacbride]

One thing I am learning is that recovery will be a life long commitment and the marriage needs to be worked on constantly (all marriages do, but A-affected marriages need extra TLC) l. Sally, I also now realise that the affair will never be 100% forgotten. However great any case of R is, the affair leaves an indelible strain that will hopefully fade but will never fully be erased.

 

In the early days of R, I hoped we be pretty much back to normal in 6 months. At two years out I now see how ridiculous that was.

 

Good luck all!

 

I agree with what you say, but my only issue is that I don't want to live the rest of our lives "in recovery".

 

To me, my H's A was like an acute illness. It's dangerous and needs to be immediately addressed. Once it has been, a person can use what they learned to live a healthier lifestyle, develop a deeper appreciation of friends and fmaily, etc.. These are all wonderful things to learn. I just don't want it to taint the rest of our marriage. A point finally came when we both started to let it go, and while I can't say I am completely there yet,and may never be, it's so much better than it was.

[jenkins95]

I agree with what you say, but my only issue is that I don't want to live the rest of our lives "in recovery".

 

To me, my H's A was like an acute illness. It's dangerous and needs to be immediately addressed. Once it has been, a person can use what they learned to live a healthier lifestyle, develop a deeper appreciation of friends and fmaily, etc.. These are all wonderful things to learn. I just don't want it to taint the rest of our marriage. A point finally came when we both started to let it go, and while I can't say I am completely there yet,and may never be, it's so much better than it was.

 

Great wmac, and I totally agree.

 

Out of interest, and I know every individual case is different, but when do you think that point will arrive.... for you personally, and in general. I often see articles that say that it takes a marriage 2-5 years to recover from an affair, presumably to the point you are alluding to. Would you agree with that? It does feel about right to me. Do you mind me asking how long ago your H's A ended and how long it lasted?

Edited May 19, 2017 by jenkins95

[Unforseen]

I agree with what you say, but my only issue is that I don't want to live the rest of our lives "in recovery".

 

To me, my H's A was like an acute illness. It's dangerous and needs to be immediately addressed. Once it has been, a person can use what they learned to live a healthier lifestyle, develop a deeper appreciation of friends and fmaily, etc.. These are all wonderful things to learn. I just don't want it to taint the rest of our marriage. A point finally came when we both started to let it go, and while I can't say I am completely there yet,and may never be, it's so much better than it was.

 

Perhaps saying that the rest of the marriage will be in a perpetual state of recovery is a little bit of an overstatement. I think it will be more like survival from trauma as or an acute illness as you've stated. A majority of the recovery will be complete if things go well, but there will always be some actions or triggers or relapses to old scars that will need to be dealt with as they arise. But with any luck I am hoping things will settle down from this triage type emergency care and recovery efforts.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We are 33 years in reconciliation. We have a great relationship...better than it has ever been. We are closer....we are comfortable....we are happy and we are content. We have a wonderful life together. Our kids and grandkids are terrific....God has richly blessed us.

 

Infidelity is not a part of our life everyday....and what i mean by that is....we dont talk about it often...we are not obsessed by it...we are not defined by it.

 

We know it will always be there...but we both make a very conscience effort to always let the other one know how much we love each other and we never take the other one for granted.

 

I am confident..that we both have learned a lot from where we have been...and we will never allow it to happen again.

 

I know what i almost lost. I could search the world over and never find a man who loves me as much as he does...of this I am sure...I pray that he feels the same way.

[waterwoman]

Perhaps saying that the rest of the marriage will be in a perpetual state of recovery is a little bit of an overstatement. I think it will be more like survival from trauma as or an acute illness as you've stated. A majority of the recovery will be complete if things go well, but there will always be some actions or triggers or relapses to old scars that will need to be dealt with as they arise. But with any luck I am hoping things will settle down from this triage type emergency care and recovery efforts.

 

recovery? No. Change and growth? Yes. Always. But that is the case for all long-term relationships. There have been many crisis points in our marriage - as the affair recedes into the past it becomes just another one.

[dichotomy]

That I was willing compromise more than I thought - to keep the other things I wanted or needed by remaining married.

 

 

Also my wife's remorse and "de-fogging" took a long time to get there - much longer than most.

 

That I understand now (for several reasons) that monogamy in stable long term relationship is a challenge for her.

[DKT3]

When I got married I wanted to duplicate my parents. They always seemed so happy, I mean 50 years, right.

 

After my wife's affair it dawned on me how much of imbalance my parents marriage was through my own marriage. Like my father I worked a ton, always away from the home. Like my mother my wife took care of everything home and family related.

 

I learned just how easy it is to take your partners role for granted, how we so often place higher importance on our own role, how we make assumptions of how they feel.

 

My mother passed away a few summers ago, with all the renewed insight, I sat my father down and asked him if he was happy in the marriage. His response "happy enough to not leave, fulfilled? Not really" 50 years all he has is happy enough? I learned that I want more than happy enough not to leave. I've learned that to be more than happy enough, we can't take the spouse for granted, they don't owe you Thier life, you have to take everyday as an opportunity to have them give it to you....for us, I believe it's the key to being more than happy enough not to leave.

[wmacbride]

Great wmac, and I totally agree.

 

Out of interest, and I know every individual case is different, but when do you think that point will arrive.... for you personally, and in general. I often see articles that say that it takes a marriage 2-5 years to recover from an affair, presumably to the point you are alluding to. Would you agree with that? It does feel about right to me. Do you mind me asking how long ago your H's A ended and how long it lasted?

 

Our situation may not really be all that helpful, as it was somewhat different than a lot of people. we figured it all out in a way I hope no one else ever has to.

 

There was a mix up while he was deployed and I thought he was a casualty. That really puts a lot of things into perspective. Some things in life are so important, but you don't realize that until you almost lose them. We both worked really hard to sort through everything, and it really paid off.

 

It also taught me that, while we still needed to work through all the fallout, I didn't want to spend my life feeling bad or angry. You only get so much time, so spend it wisely- I didn't want to forever see myself as a bs or him as a ws, and I didn't want to forever hold it over his head.

 

I'm an aficionado of old tv shows, and a quote from All in the Family sums it up best. The main character had found out her husband had cheated, and she was trying to sort through all of her emotions. He asked her if she would hold the A over his head for the rest of his life, and as she put it " no, because that would be the rest of my life too".

 

That sums it up for me. Each couple has to find what works for them, but refuse to spend the rest of my life with this dark cloud in our marriage. Like I said in my previous post, I may not reach that goal, but I'm trying.

[Purepony]

I didn't reconcile but the best advice I can give is move on! Because the work needed to reconcile is beyond anything you can imagine

[mercy]

What did I learn?

 

I learned that God can take tragedies and turn them into miracles. That forgiveness is a beautiful feeling.

 

I also knew that if this was going to be a life sentence for me or him I wanted no part of it. I didn't want to 'just live' with it.

 

I learned that talk therapy is a gift from God!

 

We talked it to death, literally to death. There is a peace in letting it go.

 

Yes, I adore and love a man who had an affair. He made a mistake, one he has to live with but it doesn't mean it has to live in our marriage.

 

However long it takes, it takes. Just don't let it be a life sentence.

 

I also learned that laughter heals the soul.

 

I strongly believe in mindfulness, here, right now, this moment, that's what matters.

 

And this...

 

Quote Details: William Shakespeare: The quality of mercy... - The Quotations Page

[jenkins95]

There are some absolute gems on this thread! Great posting guys - keep it up! It kind of warms my heart as I prepare to go to sleep! This thread illustrates the frailties of what it is to be human, how we can make mistakes and be stupid and selfish and blind and hurt the person closest to us......but how, through a very special and profound kind of love, we can be forgiven and, despite our battle scars, we can thrive again..... in our perfectly imperfect little worlds, which deep down are probably very similar to most other people's little worlds - warts and all!

 

I knew I could rely on wmac to start another excellent, thought provoking thread. Thanks for answering my posts wmac, you jogged my memory and I actually remember much of your story including the cr*p you've had to deal with for years from a certain person. I admire you greatly. You are inspiration for reconciling couples because you've been through a lot, but you've given everything, stuck to it and it's paying dividends. I so wish you the peace you deserve.

Edited May 20, 2017 by jenkins95

[Mrs. John Adams]

I learned that when you join forums to learn about infidelity and divorce or reconciliation...that everyone has an opinion..including people who have never had infidelity experience...but think they have all the answers

 

I learned that one size does not fit all.

 

I learned that there are a lot of people who have experienced being both wayward and betrayed..many more than I would ever have imagined

 

I have learned that very few people truly understand remorse and forgiveness

 

and i have learned that there are a lot of really sad people and bitter people and negative people....and i have also learned there are a lot of people who like to make up stories to get people to post....i call them trolls. Without them...the boards would move much slower.

[Unforseen]

One of the biggest things that stands out while attempting a R with my WW is the need to deal with the feelings of gross unfairness. She got to have her 'fun' as it were and yet she alone does not suffer for her actions. My W is indeed holding up her side of the work and yet she would not be able to do that without me supporting her. So as I am trying to heal and deal with the turbulent emotions and filter out the hurtful words of anger I must also listen to her and empathize with her as she is very ashamed of what she has done and for what she has and is putting us through.

 

What I've learned is that compassion and communication are absolute necessities for an R. I have needed to show my W compassion and hear her story and hold her while she cries with shame while I wanted to verbally shred her for the pain she caused. She has had to show me compassion when a trigger has left me full of bile and anger or so saddened that I was nearly incapacitated. She has had to show compassion when I have become overwhelmed with anger and spit foul words at her to hurt her. Taking it all in until she begged me to stop. Fortunetly those times were few and with compassion I saw that the tears filling her eyes and pain behind that were also hurting me more than the brief relief of releasing my anger unchecked was helping.

 

Through it all talking and actually listening has served us best. The new closeness that we have developed from our near constant emotional intimacy has been a great reward for our efforts towards R.

[KimJ1234]

When I asked my H why he had the A's part of the reason was he didn't feel appreciated. He's a very hard worker but I took it for granted.

 

I joke with him now that the three main things a man needs is Appreciation, Sex, and Food.

At least I know it's true for my H.

 

Advice: find little things to show how much you appreciate your spouse. Make it specific and let them know regularly.

[aileD]

I learned that you can't undo the pain of the past and if that's all you focus on then you will never succeed. All you can do is take the good parts and build on them and learn from the mistakes and keep moving forward. Always forward.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I learned that the most difficult step is to forgive yourself. When all the others have forgave and moved on, the self-hatred remains.

 

I learned that people can change if they really want to.

 

I learned that neither of you are never the same person after an affair - but maybe that is okay. After all, who you were led to this occurrence.

 

I learned affairs are not a love story. It's not about two people who should have met at a different time or place but the stars did not align. Instead it is a murder, a murder actually of oneself with the others taken out as collateral damage.

 

I learned that when your marriage is weak and your defenses down, wolves will creep in. Therefore it is best to build fortresses to protect yourself - and what is yours - in times of future distress.

 

I learned that if you are not happy, it's no one's fault - and no one's responsibility - but your own.

 

I learned that for a woman, it's all about love. For a man, it's all about sex, especially oral sex. It's a drug to them. Intoxicating.

 

I learned that everyone can lie.

 

I learned that out of the worst of things, can come the best of things.

Edited May 20, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980