My wife expects me to support her unconditionally

[RA1]

My wife expects me to support her unconditionally in every aspect of life.

 

There are a few ways this materializes as an issue.

 

I must never take the side of another person, even partially. if she claims she has been badly treated by someone, I am expected never to suggest that she might have done something to contribute to the lack of harmony. She often spouts vitriol about other people and gets offended when I comment that she is overreacting or if I suggest that she sees offense where none was intended. (I do think she is a little paranoid).

 

She is a writer and I am expected to enthuse about all her works. If I suggest the plot could have been better, she complains that she has faced people all her life who try to put her down. I understand that, but don't think that fawning adulation of her writing is the way to assist her. It's not as if her writing is always a success. She has had one or two acclaimed works and many that went unnoticed. I would like her to take my comments on board, but my impression is that she discounts my comments without even thinking about them.

 

If I suggest a change even to a single line of her writing, she will almost invariably reject my suggestion. The exception is grammatical and punctuation errors, of which she makes a great many, and she loves me to correct those. I spend countless hours correcting her spelling, grammar and punctuation. For example, she does space comma instead of comma space and many other elementary errors. She does not know the difference between a hyphen, an en-dash and an em-dash, despite having had the rule explained many times. So she accepts my punctuation corrections but substantive revisions are not allowed.

 

Often, I type her entire scripts. She often prepares her scripts in long hand. If someone else types them, I correct them for format, grammar and punctuation Overall, I have spent over the years many, many hours helping her in these menial ways.

 

I do other stuff, like all her Photoshop work. I create her websites. I go to events with her. I take still and video pictures for her. Last night, I operated the lights at one of her performance events.

 

When I ask her to help me with MY work, I generally get a flat refusal. I develop computer software and write technical reports on engineering subjects. She says that she doesn't understand computers nor engineering so can't help me. Sometimes, she refuses help because she accepts that she could help but has her "own work" that is more urgent.

 

I could equally well refuse to help her, since art and theatre are not my subjects, but I don't do that. I feel we have a very unbalanced relationship.

 

We also have issues over my wife's daughter who is 30. Her daughter has never had a paid job. My wife speaks to her daughter in baby talk. She never criticizes her daughter for fear she might commit suicide. Her daughter to my mind manipulates her. I financially support both my wife and her adult daughter, despite being unemployed myself for almost two years now.

 

I can provide more information but don't know where to elaborate from this point. I hope someone can shed some light on these behaviors.

 

I showed this post in draft to my wife. She said it is inaccurate, immature and disloyal but would not elaborate further.

Edited May 18, 2017 by RA1

[Frostedflake]

Participating in a spouses hobby: Good idea. All the brownie points.

Participating in a spouses job: Terrible idea.

 

She's a writer for a living and the thing about writers is.. they're nuts. And I say that as a writer myself. We can remember all these details but suck at the present moments.

But of course she's thrilled you want to be her editor! They're costly and you're giving her the work for free.

 

Now step back. Keep stepping. LEAVE THE ROOM.

Because it's not your job to get your wife published and you will not win with her by arguing that you're just trying to help. Which, I genuinely think you are. But it's her job and you have yours. While other couples are coming home complaining about crappy coworkers you guys are a little more isolated. Accept the difference, bring each other coffees, but keep to your separate business. This is one of those things you guys don't have to share with each other.

[Titanll]

Are you looking to vent or do you want advice?

 

Vent at will.

 

My advice would be to put your foot down and take some control over the relationship. Either correct the problem or send her packing. Third choice is to carry on with the way things are.

[RA1]

Are you looking to vent or do you want advice?

 

Vent at will.

 

My advice would be to put your foot down and take some control over the relationship. Either correct the problem or send her packing. Third choice is to carry on with the way things are.

 

In reply to your question, I'm looking for advice. I've no interest in venting.

 

BTW, I found your question rather odd as I phrased my post in such a matter-of-fact way (I thought).

 

Your suggest to "send her packing" is not under consideration. I love her with all my heart and would never leave her under any circumstances. I have spent my life looking for her, I have found her, and will never give her up. How weird that you would think from my post that she is so disposable!

Edited May 18, 2017 by RA1

[RA1]

Participating in a spouses job: Terrible idea.

That's what I'm thinking though I've been doing the opposite for so many years (more than 20). But it increasingly gets me down that her job is "our" job while my job is "my" job.

[Mz. Pixie]

Just a tip. Showing your partner a post about them here is not a good idea. It just never pans out good for the OP from what I've seen over the last 12 years.

 

She sounds selfish. I think boundaries would be a great idea.

[Titanll]

In reply to your question, I'm looking for advice. I've no interest in venting.

 

BTW, I found your question rather odd as I phrased my post in such a matter-of-fact way (I thought).

 

Your suggest to "send her packing" is not under consideration. I love her with all my heart and would never leave her under any circumstances. I have spent my life looking for her, I have found her, and will never give her up. How weird that you would think from my post that she is so disposable!

Well, good luck. I have no advice on how to handle a relationship like the one that you're in. I have no experience with anything like you describe.

[BaileyB]

In reply to your question, I'm looking for advice. I've no interest in venting.

 

BTW, I found your question rather odd as I phrased my post in such a matter-of-fact way (I thought).

 

Your suggest to "send her packing" is not under consideration. I love her with all my heart and would never leave her under any circumstances. I have spent my life looking for her, I have found her, and will never give her up. How weird that you would think from my post that she is so disposable!

 

Wouldn't it be great if life worked like that, but it doesn't.

 

Your wife wants you to support her unconditionally, such that she always gets her way and she never has to deal with criticism, conflict, or stress. She has created this kind of existence for her daughter, which has not allowed her daughter to live particularly successfully in the world... and now, she wants the same existence for herself. The thing is - life is full of conflict, stress, and things don't always go your way... It would seem that neither your wife or her daughter have developed the resiliency or skills needed to deal with life.

 

If you want to live with a woman who has the emotional maturity of a child, that is your decision. Best wishes to you.

Edited May 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

Would she be open to MC?

 

You have to kind of re-frame the question. Sit her down & explain how your feelings get hurt when you are ignored, when she isn't open to constructive criticism & you don't always feel like an equal partner. Ask her how she'd feel if certain things happened to her (describe what she did to you as a hypothetical). When she says something like I'd cut them out of my life, explain that she did it to you & ask if she really wants you to cut her out of your life.

 

Given her defensiveness & thin skin the above might not work without professional intervention.

[somanymistakes]

I'm only going to speak on the writing issue because that's a thing I understand.

 

Creative work can be very stressful in a different way than other work - not saying it's MORE stressful, just DIFFERENTLY. There's no objective measures to judge yourself against. You can't really know if you've done a good job or not. It's all coming straight out of your mind, and judgments about it feel like judgments about YOU as a person. Because of this, creative types are often SUPER sensitive to criticism. A hundred positive comments and one negative comment, and it's that one negative comment that's going to keep them up at night sick to their stomachs feeling like failures.

 

Obviously writers do need to see criticism occasionally (and it's not like it's LACKING out there in the world) but there's a huge emotional difference between you helping with technical, objective details like spelling and punctuation, and with you critiquing her THOUGHTS. Especially since as a partner you're probably seeing them when they're fresh off her pen and very near to her mind/heart, rather than when she's had some time and distance to think "you know, maybe this would be better a different way".

 

So on this issue I would say she's correct. Please don't voice your opinion on substantial changes to her writing unless she very specifically asks for that. Don't say "well, I think the protagonist should ditch that loser reporter and hook up with the cop" unless she ASKS you that. It will feel much more hurtful than you intend for it to. Even if she actually does listen to your ideas and possibly incorporate some of them later, it will feel like an attack on her at first, and she will lash out at you defensively, and you'll sulk, and nobody will be happy.

 

Emotionally, you wanting to make big revisions to her work feels like you challenging her 'expertise' and saying that anyone can do what she does - and do it better. It's hurtful to her. She respects your technical skills and does not think she could easily do YOUR job, but I think she feels like you don't respect her.

 

 

 

On the general problems of you feeling like you always have to take her side and the problems with her daughter, you might want to sit down with your wife and a counselor and see if you can hash out your communications issues.

[mercy]

I showed this post in draft to my wife. She said it is inaccurate, immature and disloyal but would not elaborate further.

 

Yes I imagine it went over like a lead balloon. I love her wording though, concise and to the point.

 

When a person doesn't like something long enough, they change it.

[Popsicle]

Make an agreement that you and your wife will only positively support and help each other in your work. It's that simple. No, if's, and's, but's about it. After that, how you both do in your work is out of your hands. Let the chips fall where they may. Life is a great teacher. As for the adult daughter, tell your wife that you care about the daughter but you won't keep enabling an adult as that does not encourage her to get out on her own. She can find herself a husband to support her positively!

Edited May 18, 2017 by Popsicle

[SammySammy]

There is nothing you can say or do to change your wife or her daughter. If they are unwilling to listen or be considerate of you, then the only thing you can do is change how you respond. Change how you behave.

 

I don't think your wife or her daughter will ever respect you. You've subjugated yourself to them - given them your manhood - so to speak. They are not going to give it back.

 

If you want some respect and dignity in this relationship that is going to come in the form or self-respect. Self-dignity. Stop bowing and kowtowing to this woman. Or continue to be treated the way you're treated.

[Popsicle]

I can tell you one thing, criticism never helped any marriage. It is one of the 4 horsemen of destruction of a marriage.

[Clockwork]

I had a cousin - well my father's cousin - who was married and he and his wife had a way of doing things for a successful marriage................they never disagreed on anything. No, no, no, no, no! Bad advice, and it seems your wife seems to fall into this category. I ran fast and hard away from an ex who was like that. She would start fights, heck she'd start a fight with the Queen of England, and no matter how irrational she was she wanted me to always defend her. There is a little saying that you never embarrass your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. That cuts both ways, in other words don't expect everything you do to immediately be condoned by your spouse.

 

 

For starters it isn't honest and secondly someone is going to blow their gasket if they keep holding stuff in and never telling the truth.

[Unforseen]

Unconditional love? Absolutely. Unconditional support? Not so much. Sort of. The trick seems to be supporting the person and not necessarily their actions or opinions. My W for example was miserable in her job. Everyday she came home tired and frustrated and depressed. She had an new job opportunity that she accepted that sounded perfect for her. She put in her notice and was getting really excited. Then that offer fell through and she was crushed at the idea of having to beg her boss to ignore her notice but due to finances was determined to do so. I supported her but knew that her decision to return was ruining her. By supporting her I helped her see we would be okay until she found a better job and removed the financial and family pressures to help her make the right decision in the end. Going back would have been a mistake.

 

For your situation if she truly wants your opinion on her writing, sandwich it. This part is really good, maybe here could use some work...something just doesn't seem right, and then over here I was amazed at how you described this thing.

 

As for involvement in her job, I get that she may feel validates by your participation and help, but doesn't she have an editor for that kind of work? Maybe there's some other way that would allow you to be close to her while she's working yet keep you from being directly involved.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can provide more information but don't know where to elaborate from this point. I hope someone can shed some light on these behaviors.

 

Have to admit RA1, I find your approach a little passive/agressive. If you don't find satisfaction or sufficient reciprocation in regards to your contributions, stop making them. As in years ago. Because continuing to play along while piling up resentment isn't a recipe for marital success.

 

Same holds true for your step-daughter. Unless she's holding you up at gunpoint each month, cut off your end of the support. Perhaps this way, to "immature and disloyal", your wife can add "ballsy and respected"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mightycpa]

My wife expects me to support her unconditionally in every aspect of life.

 

There are a few ways this materializes as an issue.

 

I must never take the side of another person, even partially. if she claims she has been badly treated by someone, I am expected never to suggest that she might have done something to contribute to the lack of harmony. She often spouts vitriol about other people and gets offended when I comment that she is overreacting or if I suggest that she sees offense where none was intended. (I do think she is a little paranoid).

 

She is a writer and I am expected to enthuse about all her works. If I suggest the plot could have been better, she complains that she has faced people all her life who try to put her down. I understand that, but don't think that fawning adulation of her writing is the way to assist her. It's not as if her writing is always a success. She has had one or two acclaimed works and many that went unnoticed. I would like her to take my comments on board, but my impression is that she discounts my comments without even thinking about them.

 

If I suggest a change even to a single line of her writing, she will almost invariably reject my suggestion. The exception is grammatical and punctuation errors, of which she makes a great many, and she loves me to correct those. I spend countless hours correcting her spelling, grammar and punctuation. For example, she does space comma instead of comma space and many other elementary errors. She does not know the difference between a hyphen, an en-dash and an em-dash, despite having had the rule explained many times. So she accepts my punctuation corrections but substantive revisions are not allowed.

 

Often, I type her entire scripts. She often prepares her scripts in long hand. If someone else types them, I correct them for format, grammar and punctuation Overall, I have spent over the years many, many hours helping her in these menial ways.

 

I do other stuff, like all her Photoshop work. I create her websites. I go to events with her. I take still and video pictures for her. Last night, I operated the lights at one of her performance events.

 

When I ask her to help me with MY work, I generally get a flat refusal. I develop computer software and write technical reports on engineering subjects. She says that she doesn't understand computers nor engineering so can't help me. Sometimes, she refuses help because she accepts that she could help but has her "own work" that is more urgent.

 

I could equally well refuse to help her, since art and theatre are not my subjects, but I don't do that. I feel we have a very unbalanced relationship.

 

We also have issues over my wife's daughter who is 30. Her daughter has never had a paid job. My wife speaks to her daughter in baby talk. She never criticizes her daughter for fear she might commit suicide. Her daughter to my mind manipulates her. I financially support both my wife and her adult daughter, despite being unemployed myself for almost two years now.

 

I can provide more information but don't know where to elaborate from this point. I hope someone can shed some light on these behaviors.

 

I showed this post in draft to my wife. She said it is inaccurate, immature and disloyal but would not elaborate further.

So, what's her take on honesty in a marriage? Which takes one precedence?

[Cephalopod]

I know a couple of Hollywood writers/script doctors. One man one woman.

They are batsh*t nuts, both of them. Both are extremely narcissistic people. I introduced them to each other once at a convention, and it took them about a minute to hate each other.

 

I am a friendly acquaintance to both, but I would never be friends with either.

[NTV]

I really don't see what you're getting out of this marriage.

[Grewd]

I know I would become incredibly angry if I was treated like that. She sounds very selfish and obnoxiously condescending.

 

There's no such thing as unconditional support in a functional healthy relationship. Adding the word "unconditional" basically means that no matter what she does you shall provide support, it's surely a great deal for her but what about you? This makes you a slave and it's the ultimate lack of self-respect to accept these terms. She sets all these conditions for you to follow to get her affection, but she expects you to give it to her unconditionally. You're damn right this is unbalanced, it can't be any more unfair. I hope you see how outrageous her demands are?

 

A functional and healthy relationship REQUIRES conditions, commonly referred to as boundaries. There must be fairness in those conditions, it must apply to both and there must be mutual respect for said boundaries. Between you and your wife there is a lot of conditions from her side and little to none from your side. There's no fairness and nor does she seem even remotely interested in that. You seem to respect her more than she deserves, because she doesn't seem to have any respect for you.

 

Do with this as you wish, but I'd put my foot down and if she refuse to be fair I'd divorce her. You're being taken advantage of, this whole deal is obviously not ok for you (or you wouldn't have made this thread). Nobody deserves being treated as a doormat, this is really serious and you must act sooner rather than later.

 

In reply to your question, I'm looking for advice. I've no interest in venting.

 

BTW, I found your question rather odd as I phrased my post in such a matter-of-fact way (I thought).

 

Your suggest to "send her packing" is not under consideration. I love her with all my heart and would never leave her under any circumstances. I have spent my life looking for her, I have found her, and will never give her up. How weird that you would think from my post that she is so disposable!

This further confirms my suspicions about what's going on here. You say you'd never leave her under any circumstances, so basically you have no boundary and thus no respect for yourself. How far can she go before you leave? She's already emotionally abusive, what if she starts being physically abusive? Is that still not circumstance enough for you to leave? Do you think she loves you? Is her actions towards you how a loving person acts?

 

She is definitely taking advantage of the fact that she can do whatever she wants and know you'd stay no matter what. She has no incentive to be nice to you, she has discovered she can't lose you no matter how horribly she treats you. You don't deserve less than her, but this is what you're accepting today. You have two choices here, either you continue being a doormat or you can demand respect equal to what you give. If she refuses to respect you there's also two choices, again continue being a doormat or divorce her.

Edited May 19, 2017 by Grewd
Added quote and further criticism

[RA1]

Thanks for all the responses. There were useful suggestions in most of them. I'm reflecting on all the advice.

[Cephalopod]

Im sorry but I do not believe in unconditional love in a marital or romantic context.

 

If I am going to actively love a woman and invest myself into her life, I have expectations that she will reciprocate in kind. If she does not, then I have the option to disinvest my love and move on.

[dangerous]

Is that your response OP, or your wife's?

 

(I'm guessing she will want to vet the responses.)

[live2ndin]

I am hoping that you and your wife can resolve your differences and that you can communicate and come to some positive solutions. Some times our difficulties can start with small issues and then over the years add up to larger ones. If you don't mind I would like to pray for you both to have all the wisdom, respect, and abounding love to communicate with each other and get past this.