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Married, Distressed, and Quickly Breaking


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KittyK2700

My husband and I married less than a year ago. He was my best friend and everything I could ever ask for in a man. I'd known him 7 years prior and felt I knew him well. There's a significantly large age gap between us and because of the gap and because he was divorced prior, our relationship didn't sit well with others. One man in particular attempted to talk me out of marrying him and told me that he'd never be satisfied with me. I didn't believe it and I married him anyway. A couple weeks after we married I began to realize he was a more serious and gruff man than I'd ever realized. I felt like he was married to his job rather than me. Even at an early stage in our marriage I was putting in more effort for love and affection than he was giving. I began to feel an emotional distance from him. I thought maybe it was in my head and that I was just needy but it was a nagging feeling that I couldn't ignore. Two months passed and he asked me to clear out his old phone so we could send it back to Sprint. I was curious and snooped out his old text messages with women he'd flirted with and one who he'd had an affair with. This turned out to be a crushing blow to my system. If they were old it wouldn't have bothered me, but not only was he a total flirt but he had been making sexual suggestions to some of them while we were involved and while he was telling me he loved me. I couldn't help but feel like this put a question over our entire relationship and his "love for me." (As far as I know he has not cheated on me while we've been married.) His explanation was that "he didn't think we would work out."

 

Five months later he treats me less like his princess and more like a pain up his ass. We have a very healthy sex life, but some days it seems like that's all he ever wanted out of me. What I really want is the emotional connection we had before we married. I want my best friend back. One night a plate fell out of the cabinets onto his food and broke. He flew into a rage at me and all but cursed me out. It wasn't even my fault. If I interrupt him while he's doing paperwork he'll get angry and yell at me or flat out ignore me. If I'm not as efficient as he would be he'll pick on me for it. For example, we were talking while he was in the shower and he asked me to hand him his towel. I took one off the rack and I didn't see he'd put one on the counter. He was like, "there's one right there! Think!!!" When it comes to his wants and my wants it's never a 50/50 compromise. It's a 75 percent compromise on my part and a 25 percent on his. If I do all I can in a day to make him happy, there's still always something he can point out that isn't good enough. I've confronted him on it and he claims it's just "his glitch" and that it's not my fault....but it takes the wind out of my sails. Another thing that has been eating at me is what his daughter told me. Her and I have become close friends and one day she said, "as a friend I think I should tell you this." Before he and I married she'd asked him what he would do if I decided I wanted a divorce down the road. His answer? "I'll kill her." How can you say that about someone you love? I have no intention of leaving him and I want our marriage to work, but that has subconsciously bothered me too.

 

What prompted me to post this is the way I've been feeling lately and the conversation he and I had last night. I've been feeling like he never really loved me like I love him. I've been feeling inadequate; as if nothing I do will ever be enough for him and like I'll never be able to make him happy. I've been feeling like I've lost my best friend and I'm quickly becoming depressed. Last night he and I were talking and I said, "I hope that I'm everything you hoped I would be." His response: "Emmm, mmhmm." It felt like I was punched in the guts...clearly he's not satisfied with me. Later on in bed I said it again and he was quiet...until he said, "I guess I just need more patience. You're younger." I said "patience? With what??? And what's it matter that I'm younger? He couldn't think of anything except that I don't put the dishes away at night, even though I do in the morning. But I try his patience? This is what I'm talking about. It really hurts and I so want our marriage to work. I love him, but what is happening?

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GunslingerRoland

He sounds controlling and borderline abusive. Is this why his marriage ended?

 

Honestly, this doesn't sound very fixable, it's not normal to change this much right after getting married.

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kiss_andmakeup

So, just to clarify...you were with this man for 6+ years before getting married, everything was peachy, then after the wedding a switch flipped and he became a monster?

 

His behavior sounds abhorrent and I'm just having trouble believing that there was no indication of his shortcomings before the wedding.

 

What are your ages?

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somuchfortheone
So, just to clarify...you were with this man for 6+ years before getting married, everything was peachy, then after the wedding a switch flipped and he became a monster?

 

His behavior sounds abhorrent and I'm just having trouble believing that there was no indication of his shortcomings before the wedding.

 

What are your ages?

 

 

I think the pot has been simmering to a boil for a while...she said that she always put in more than he did...so there certainly were warning signs...I think now that it's at a full boil, it can no longer be ignored.

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kiss_andmakeup
I think the pot has been simmering to a boil for a while...she said that she always put in more than he did...so there certainly were warning signs...I think now that it's at a full boil, it can no longer be ignored.

 

I see where she mentions that she put in more than him within the first few months of marriage...but I don't see any discussion of their relationship prior to marriage (other than his cheating, which is awful on a whole other level).

 

This guy sounds like an awful partner, OP. And potentially a dangerous one.

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somuchfortheone
I see where she mentions that she put in more than him within the first few months of marriage...but I don't see any discussion of their relationship prior to marriage (other than his cheating, which is awful on a whole other level).

 

This guy sounds like an awful partner, OP. And potentially a dangerous one.

 

 

 

Minimally emotionally abusive.

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somuchfortheone
I don't worry anymore, I am very pleased with Cybernnectic Service am able to keep eyes on my cheating husband's phone without having physical access to his phone.I got to know his extral marital affair. I felt bad doing that but I knew my stand in his life,if you need his help it is as simple as sending him an email. cybernnectic at gmail dot com.

 

did you stay with him??

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DH & I married later in life. I had previously lived with other men & DH & I lived together for 3 months before we married.

 

 

As much I as I love my husband I struggled through the 1st year of marriage. It was HARD. We weren't dating so some of the romance dissipated. 24/7 of anybody is tough. My head knew it was permanent & that seemed daunting. I didn't know how to be married. I was trying to be deferential, to let him be head of household but he wasn't doing it the way I would have or at my much faster pace & I grew increasingly frustrated.

 

 

Friends of ours are marriage counselors. She's a psychologist & he's a life coach. The had a couple drop out of some communications weekend they were running & she invited DH & I last minute because the weekend required an even number of couples. I begged DH to go; he didn't understand why I thought it was important so he grumbled & only attended begrudgingly. We learned a lot about each other & those tools helped us through the rough spots.

 

 

I wouldn't give up but I would explain you are feeling hurt & unbalanced. Then see if you can find something similar to the weekend DH & I did to give you the tools to be more loving toward one another, especially under stress.

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It sound like my husband the same. I did research for 7 years and found out it is possible border lune disorder or narcissist disorder. Now we are separated and possible will divorce. You are just loosing your time.

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This isn't just borderline abusive, it IS abusive.

 

Here are warning signs from this article: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

 

Psychological abuse can look like:

 

Humiliating or embarrassing you.

Constant put-downs.

Hypercriticism.

Refusing to communicate.

Ignoring or excluding you.

Extramarital affairs.

Provocative behavior with opposite sex.

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

Unreasonable jealousy.

Extreme moodiness.

Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.

Saying “I love you but…”

Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”

Domination and control.

Withdrawal of affection.

Guilt trips.

Making everything your fault.

Isolating you from friends and family.

Using money to control.

Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.

Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

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I'm another who thinks that this behavior is unacceptable, controlling and emotionally abusive. I would never want to live with this a man.

 

Those who know him well gave you warnings but you didn't listen. I find it hard to believe that you've known him for that long and not seen this behavior before now. And quite frankly, I'm not sure how you can have a healthy sex life with a man who flirts with other women, demands that everything be exactly how he likes it and yells at you when it is not just the way he wants it, and has threatened to kill you.

 

The warning signs are there... are you going to listen to the warning, or not?

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KittyK2700
He sounds controlling and borderline abusive. Is this why his marriage ended?

 

Honestly, this doesn't sound very fixable, it's not normal to change this much right after getting married.

Yes, partially. I've been told that both parties were in the wrong at the time but a big part of it stemmed from his controlling nature and the fact that he was a hothead. His daughter and ex both claim that they've seen some improvement in him since our marriage, but for me it doesn't always feel like it.

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KittyK2700
So, just to clarify...you were with this man for 6+ years before getting married, everything was peachy, then after the wedding a switch flipped and he became a monster?

 

His behavior sounds abhorrent and I'm just having trouble believing that there was no indication of his shortcomings before the wedding.

 

What are your ages?

I'd known him for 7 years prior to our marriage, but I wasn't with him or in a relationship with him at the time. We were very close friends for three years and then got into a relaionship during the last one. In all the years I'd known him it was in an environment in which he was unable to show what I'm seeing now. He always made it out to be his Ex's fault, not his own. As far as our relationship went he showed NO SIGNS of what he's been acting like recently. He treated me like a queen. I even talked to him about what people warned me about and he said it would never happen and that "I knew his heart." I honestly felt that I did.

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KittyK2700
I think the pot has been simmering to a boil for a while...she said that she always put in more than he did...so there certainly were warning signs...I think now that it's at a full boil, it can no longer be ignored.

When we dated there weren't any warning signs. The pot only seemed to start boiling a couple weeks after we got married. I replied more about this below.

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ExpatInItaly

I think you're now seeing the real reasons why people were warning you against marrying him.

 

Even if he never directly displayed controlling or jerk behaviour, those around us often see things we can't because we're too "blinded" by love. Sometimes they pick up on a bad vibe, or concerning comments, subtly troubling interactions between you two.

 

How old are you? And how old is he? You say you knew him for several years before, but how long were you in a relationship with him before getting married?

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KittyK2700
I think the pot has been simmering to a boil for a while...she said that she always put in more than he did...so there certainly were warning signs...I think now that it's at a full boil, it can no longer be ignored.

I replied to the above quote below. The pot only started boiling after around the first month of marriage. And actually, at first I didn't put more in than he did. It was balanced and he treated me like a queen. It was after we got married that it became unbalanced and I began having to put more effort in than him.

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I get the feeling that you are minimizing his behavior. This not a man who is leaving his socks on the floor or staying out with his friends... Respectfully, it's not about who is putting more effort into the relationship. The controlling and emotionally abusive behavior he is displaying is very concerning.

 

If I was ever to hear from someone that my husband said he would kill me, that would be the last day that he would ever see my face.

 

You may have missed the warning signs before you were married, but you clearly see them now. Don't ignore them again.

Edited by BaileyB
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KittyK2700
I see where she mentions that she put in more than him within the first few months of marriage...but I don't see any discussion of their relationship prior to marriage (other than his cheating, which is awful on a whole other level).

 

This guy sounds like an awful partner, OP. And potentially a dangerous one.

The cheating totally undermined everything he'd told me about his love for me. After I'd read it, I just went and cried in the shower.

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KittyK2700
did you stay with him??

Yes, we'd been married for about a month and a half at the time. As far as I know he hasn't cheated since we married so unless that happens or he physically beats me I won't leave him.

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KittyK2700
I'm another who thinks that this behavior is unacceptable, controlling and emotionally abusive. I would never want to live with this a man.

 

Those who know him well gave you warnings but you didn't listen. I find it hard to believe that you've known him for that long and not seen this behavior before now. And quite frankly, I'm not sure how you can have a healthy sex life with a man who flirts with other women, demands that everything be exactly how he likes it and yells at you when it is not just the way he wants it, and has threatened to kill you.

 

The warning signs are there... are you going to listen to the warning, or not?

I get what you're saying and I see it too. By healthy sex life I mean that we have it all the time, and I enjoy it. But I do agree that there's something lacking in everything. Here's the thing. I committed to him in that I married him. I've never been one to just give up even if it is a waste of time. As long as he doesn't cheat during our marriage and as long as he never physically harms me, I want to hold out. However, the second he were to do something like that, it's over. I laid that law down before we married.

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KittyK2700
I think you're now seeing the real reasons why people were warning you against marrying him.

 

Even if he never directly displayed controlling or jerk behaviour, those around us often see things we can't because we're too "blinded" by love. Sometimes they pick up on a bad vibe, or concerning comments, subtly troubling interactions between you two.

 

How old are you? And how old is he? You say you knew him for several years before, but how long were you in a relationship with him before getting married?

I do see why some people tried to stop us but turns out the man who tried to stop me turned out to be a crook. I'm 20 and he just turned 46. We were only in a relationship for a year before we married and we fell in love the year before that. We were very close friends but I'd known him for 6 years before that.

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Yes, we'd been married for about a month and a half at the time. As far as I know he hasn't cheated since we married so unless that happens or he physically beats me I won't leave him.

 

That's a pretty low bar to set for a marriage.

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KittyK2700
I get the feeling that you are minimizing his behavior. This not a man who is leaving his socks on the floor or staying out with his friends... Respectfully, it's not about who is putting more effort into the relationship. The controlling and emotionally abusive behavior he is displaying is very concerning.

 

If I was ever to hear from someone that my husband said he would kill me, that would be the last day that he would ever see my face.

 

You may have missed the warning signs before you were married, but you clearly see them now. Don't ignore them again.

I agree and I'll be honest, when I'd heard he said that it really hurt and scared me. If he ever physically harms me, I will leave but as long as that and more cheating doesn't happen I'm willing to try to fight for our marriage.

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KittyK2700
That's a pretty low bar to set for a marriage.

I know...but it's one of those things where when I married him I vowed "for better or for worse" and I meant it. I didn't believe it would be "for worse" but I am going to try my best to work with him through it unless those things happen. I guess it's a personal goal.

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