Living with an introvert

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

I have a love problem and I need advice so I don’t go insane.

 

I have been with my BF for 1.5 year and we where discustingly in love in the beginning and knew that we where made for each other and had the best sex of out lifes.

 

He is 29, I am 33 and this is the first time that we both life with a [significant other].

 

We quickly moved in together, even tho he already lived with a friend, so I moved in to my BF room. Very close. But we where so in the pink clouds, that we didn’t think it would be a big problem. and then things quickly started going down hill.

 

He said that it was because he had a new job and had a lot of stress about it and that he wasn’t used to never having any alone-time.

 

He hasn’t lived many years out of his parent’s place and I have lived most of my life with people so I just figured, that he had to get used to it. So I focused on the stress part and did everything to help unburden him at home and make sure he had everything he needed. I basically turned in to his mom apart from in the bedroom – which had also turned in to a one-min session for him.

 

But a month or so would pass and things got worse. We ended up just being sort-of roomies instead of a couple.

A couple of times I would talk to him about it, even tho my family said that, you shouldn’t give a person with stress more of a burden by talking about problems. But I couldn’t stand the situation I was in with the man I was building a future with. We weren’t going forward, we where disolving.

 

We would talk and open up and say thing like ”it will get better when the 3rd person moves out”, ”it will get better when I’ve been on a holiday”.

 

Thing would get better but after a few month we where back at being roomies.

 

Recently I had enough. I didn’t have anymore to give and had lost all my fight. I stopped doing all the ”wifey stuff” and realised, that I was the only one keeping the relationship running. And I didn’t want to talk again – even tho I had a lot build up.

 

Luckily he came to me. And after this talk, it finally came out that the stress was never the real issue, it was the fact that he was an introvert and never had alone-time to recharge – he was just to afraid to make me sad by saying that he needed time by himself.

 

So for 4-5 months we have been so focused on each others well being, that we have lost our spark and not paid any attention to ourselfes.

 

Now that I finally have understood what it means to be an introvert and how important alone-time is for him, I arranged for him to have his desk in the bedroom so he can go and take some time for himself when ever he needs it.

 

We have decided to try this out and see hos it goes. If it doesn’t get better now, we decide if we break up or move to separate places.

 

But I am going crazy by being on stand-by – and it has only been a week since we moved the desk – luckily he’s using his alone space a lot. Which is awesome.

 

Does anyone have experience with the same?

How did you get back on track?

 

The solution is proberly – patience. But I am afraid that we took so long to find out the real issue, that we have drained our relationship and that this desk solution is just an other ”it will get better when….”

 

I want to spend my life with this man. But I don’t know if there is any hope left. Especially for him, because, this whole issue has been har don me, but it must have been 50 times harder for him.

 

HELP!

Edited May 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~6

[BaileyB]

Are you sure that his issue is introversion? It sounds a little like immaturity and selfishness (for him)...

 

We're things better in the beginning? Did you enjoy spending time together? Did you go out and have fun, talk, and laugh together?

 

I would consider myself and introvert and I certainly like to have a little alone time. I truly believe that it is important to have some time alone, some separate interests and friends, to have a healthy relationship. But, this seems excessive and unreasonable. At best, he's having difficulty dealing with the stress of work and a relationship. At worst, you have much bigger problems in terms of compatibility.

[mikeylo]

I have a love problem and I need advice so I don’t go insane.

 

I have been with my BF for 1.5 year and we where discustingly in love in the beginning and knew that we where made for each other and had the best sex of out lifes.

 

He is 29, I am 33 and this is the first time that we both life with a [significant other].

 

We quickly moved in together, even tho he already lived with a friend, so I moved in to my BF room. Very close. But we where so in the pink clouds, that we didn’t think it would be a big problem. and then things quickly started going down hill.

 

He said that it was because he had a new job and had a lot of stress about it and that he wasn’t used to never having any alone-time.

 

He hasn’t lived many years out of his parent’s place and I have lived most of my life with people so I just figured, that he had to get used to it. So I focused on the stress part and did everything to help unburden him at home and make sure he had everything he needed. I basically turned in to his mom apart from in the bedroom – which had also turned in to a one-min session for him.

 

But a month or so would pass and things got worse. We ended up just being sort-of roomies instead of a couple.

A couple of times I would talk to him about it, even tho my family said that, you shouldn’t give a person with stress more of a burden by talking about problems. But I couldn’t stand the situation I was in with the man I was building a future with. We weren’t going forward, we where disolving.

 

We would talk and open up and say thing like ”it will get better when the 3rd person moves out”, ”it will get better when I’ve been on a holiday”.

 

Thing would get better but after a few month we where back at being roomies.

 

Recently I had enough. I didn’t have anymore to give and had lost all my fight. I stopped doing all the ”wifey stuff” and realised, that I was the only one keeping the relationship running. And I didn’t want to talk again – even tho I had a lot build up.

 

Luckily he came to me. And after this talk, it finally came out that the stress was never the real issue, it was the fact that he was an introvert and never had alone-time to recharge – he was just to afraid to make me sad by saying that he needed time by himself.

 

So for 4-5 months we have been so focused on each others well being, that we have lost our spark and not paid any attention to ourselfes.

 

Now that I finally have understood what it means to be an introvert and how important alone-time is for him, I arranged for him to have his desk in the bedroom so he can go and take some time for himself when ever he needs it.

 

We have decided to try this out and see hos it goes. If it doesn’t get better now, we decide if we break up or move to separate places.

 

But I am going crazy by being on stand-by – and it has only been a week since we moved the desk – luckily he’s using his alone space a lot. Which is awesome.

 

Does anyone have experience with the same?

How did you get back on track?

 

The solution is proberly – patience. But I am afraid that we took so long to find out the real issue, that we have drained our relationship and that this desk solution is just an other ”it will get better when….”

 

I want to spend my life with this man. But I don’t know if there is any hope left. Especially for him, because, this whole issue has been har don me, but it must have been 50 times harder for him.

 

HELP!

 

I guess that's the main issue.

 

Moving in before knowing each others personalities is a big mistake. You moved in in the honeymoon phase. The success or failure of a relationship is known when tested in time , seeing each other in their worst , having disagreements , resolving skills and some more.

 

Introvert, etc can be easily seen in the first few meetings.

 

You need to live separately for now. Then see how it goes.

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

Wauw BaileyB. That was an awesome answer... that also hit really hard.

 

I have had the stress and now the introvert as an excuse for his behaviour. In the beginning, we where so amazed that we had found a better version of ourselves in the opposite sex. I also fell in love with him because he was so attentive and caring about my needs and wanting to take on all my interests.

 

But after we moved in together that has all disappeared. Now it's his stuff or nothing... or moaning.

 

I have talked with him about his selfishness - he says that he feels really guilty about being selfish but doesn't have the energy to do anything or think of anyone elses feelings - even his own - which is not helping our situation. He started buying me expensive presents because he felt guilty for not being able to show that he cares for me in other ways. Very sweet but, I'd rather have an emotional connection... obviously.

 

Behind his back, I have called him immature 1000 times. But I didn't see any point in telling him that he needs to grow the f... up because he has enough on his plate. And I figured he will grow up naturally. That is also what I thought the whole, him having a hard time living together, was about. Just him not liking to share. Because all the things we did socially before we met are the same things we do together. But now, the things we loved doing together has become kind of a duty.

 

You mention compatibility. There are some major differences.

He's muslim - I'm an atheist

I'm a vegetarian - he loooves meat.

He's an IT Engineer - I'm a designer.

I just always thought, maybe naive, that it was very beautiful how much we loved each other despite those differences.

 

Thank you so much for your insight BaileyB

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

You might be right. Moving our seperate ways might be the thing that will get us excited about being together again.

I moved in to his place after being with him for approx 6 months. He asked me several time prior if I would move in with him. I was very moved by his offer, but I kept saying no, because I didn't want it to ruin anything.

But then, I lost my job and had to choose between moving in to my moms basement, or move in with my man.

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

That response was for mikeylo - So new here

[NTV]

Most guys do need periods of alone time to recharge. I know I do.

[PinkElephants]

What behavior do you think is immature and he needs to grow out of?

 

I'm an introvert too and, ideally, I like about 3 hours to myself every day or at least every couple days to recharge. Not getting my alone time makes me irritable and short tempered.

 

My boyfriend knows this and is very respectful of this need which I urge you to be as well. It's really not like we're doing this to annoy you any more than you're trying to annoy us by wanting to be around.

 

If being on stand by upsets you then stop. My bf goes paddle boarding, to the gym, builds things outside, has lunch with his mom, whatever and then he comes home to a happy, recharged girlfriend who's excited to see him and ready to go out and do things. He uses that time to take care of himself physically and emotionally which is exactly what I'm doing.

 

What can you do that occupies a couple hours?

 

I'm guessing things were better in the beginning because he got to see you and then be alone. He enjoyed seeing you and then getting to recharge. Now you're always around and it's gone from fun to suffocating. Let him miss you again.

 

Moving out might help or it could be the end. He could breathe a sigh of relief that he has space or he could decide that since it didn't work out there's no point in continuing. He can't marry you because living with you doesn't work.

 

Whatever you do you need to address your building resentment towards him. Resenting your differences will destroy you faster than the differences would have.

[whichwayisup]

he says that he feels really guilty about being selfish but doesn't have the energy to do anything or think of anyone elses feelings - even his own - which is not helping our situation

 

End this relationship with him, it's going no where. At 29 he's not lived on his own and learned how to be independent and self sufficient. He's had his mom or a roommate (and now you) look after him. He's not a man, he's a MAN-CHILD.

 

Being introverted and needing time alone to recharge is NOT the issue here. We all need space and time alone to do our own thing. He is child like and selfish and doesn't even care to make the effort to change! Do you really want a guy like this? He's not husband material. You'll never be able to rely on him.

 

Please walk away now. You're 33 and don't waste your precious heart on someone who isn't willing to put in the work/effort to make a great life with you.

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

Most guys do need periods of alone time to recharge. I know I do.

 

I really hope the problem is that simple. But is a mans need for alone-time that bad, if if not met, every other aspect of his live just gets neglected.

He used to be super driven, go boxing and have many projects - but in the end all he could do was netflix and playstation.

 

Is alone-time all he needs to get back on track?

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

End this relationship with him, it's going no where. At 29 he's not lived on his own and learned how to be independent and self sufficient. He's had his mom or a roommate (and now you) look after him. He's not a man, he's a MAN-CHILD.

 

Being introverted and needing time alone to recharge is NOT the issue here. We all need space and time alone to do our own thing. He is child like and selfish and doesn't even care to make the effort to change! Do you really want a guy like this? He's not husband material. You'll never be able to rely on him.

 

Please walk away now. You're 33 and don't waste your precious heart on someone who isn't willing to put in the work/effort to make a great life with you.

 

Phew... you're tough. I love it! You're saying all the things that I'm afraid to think. But I am trying not to be this black and white. This is really the greatest man I've ever met - before we moved in together. I want to make it work, but you're right about, that it will never work if he not willing to make any effort.

 

But thank you for your response. It gave me a lot to think about

[Overtaxed]

Most guys do need periods of alone time to recharge. I know I do.

 

Sounds to me like the real issue here is "lazy" and not introversion. But, as an introvert, I'll give you my 2c.

 

Introversion for me is that I get tired out by being around people. It's draining to me, I would much rather have dinner at home than sit in a busy restaurant yelling across the table to have meaningless conversation with people I don't really like (my work life). Crowds are exhausting to me (traffic, airports, etc). Most people don't hold much appeal for me, they don't have common interests and I don't really enjoy small talk. And I spend a lot of time by myself and on solitary interests (hiking, biking, computers, etc).

 

However, what it does NOT mean to me is wanting to spend time away from my SO. Introversion goes away when I'm with someone I really enjoy spending time with. I love being around my W, and would far prefer to do things with her than spend time alone. I don't feel like I have to be someone else around her, and it's not at all tiring to have conversations with her and just enjoy each other's company. Unfortunately, she's about the only person in the world that I feel that way with (comfortable?), so it's probably hard for her to understand why I enjoy her company but not many other people's.

 

So, what I'm trying to get across; an introvert, in a private setting, shouldn't really be off in the corner by themselves; they typically will open up in 1-1 settings and enjoy the company more. At least that's me, but I've heard other I's say the same thing. There are "special people" who's company they really enjoy and they act extroverted around, it's just a very small list of people.

 

I think your dealing with laziness here more than anything; but, having a 3rd person around might be shutting the I down more than usual. I know it does me.

[BaileyB]

Agree with many of these posts. There are several things to consider.

 

The first being, he has never lived on his own. It's not fair for him to let you do all the work while he watches Netflix or plays on his PlayStation. He needs to contribute to the daily chores of the household or that is a BIG red flag moving forward. It will be a HUGE issue if/when you have a child.

 

And as an introvert, I too need some time and space away from people and away from demands (mostly because I work with people all day for my job). That does NOT mean my boyfriend. I'm very happy to relax and have a quiet evening with him. When I'm not with him, I want to be with him. But, everyone needs time alone to recharge and we take that time, when needed. We certainly respect the need to have a little time alone but this seems excessive to me.

 

And, the most worrisome thing is the fact that he says he has no energy to consider your feelings. He's having difficulty dealing with the stress of life and your relationship so he is seeking to "escape." I think you want a partner who can deal with the responsibilities of life and wants to spend time with you.

 

Just a curious question, have you considered that there may be more to the story. Does he perhaps have depression? Or does he perhaps have Aspergers?

[d0nnivain]

Living with somebody is an adjustment.

 

 

With a roommate, you usually have your own rooms, so somebody can go & shut the door to be alone. Not so with a SO.

 

 

After grad school I moved in with a dear friend who later became my BF. The first year was platonic but it was stress on our relationship. We weren't used to each other yet. We developed a pattern because I got home before him so I had about an hour of alone time per day. I'm an extrovert but still like my solitude.

 

 

I am an only child & I was a latch-key kid so I had a lot of alone time. College was hard for me because on my big campus it was hard to find a time & place with no people. I took to eating lunch late & alone.

 

 

As my first roommate / turned BF & got used to each other, around year 6 his parents moved in with us because the mother had been diagnosed with cancer & we were close to the better hospitals. It was awful at first because when I would come home, they'd be there in the living room. Having only each other to talk to all day both would be all over me. I was freaked out & unhappy but I couldn't snap at his dying mother. Finally we hit upon a compromise. I'd come home, visit with them for 5 minutes, then go in my room to change. They would leave me alone until I reemerged from the bedroom. That gave me just enough of a break.

 

 

With DH, he moved into my house about 3 months before the wedding. He's an introvert. He ended up taking over the home office & we now call that his man cave. I try not to disturb him there but he understands that if I'm really upset & need to talk he has to come out. He gives me a kiss when he walks in the door but I try not to talk to him at all about anything when he first gets home. He gets 1/2 hour or so before dinner to decompress.

 

 

 

 

It can be a trial & error thing but you are right it takes patience.

 

 

He does need to pull his own weight regarding household chores. If he doesn't want to do them, you need to determine if you can afford a housekeeper.

[NTV]

I really hope the problem is that simple. But is a mans need for alone-time that bad, if if not met, every other aspect of his live just gets neglected.

He used to be super driven, go boxing and have many projects - but in the end all he could do was netflix and playstation.

 

Is alone-time all he needs to get back on track?

 

His jumping on the playstation is his way of taking alone time because you aren't giving him any. Find some stuff to do on your own and see what happens. I always hated dating a chick that wanted to be at that the hip. Even if she did all the chores, the constant need for attention was draining. Not saying that's you just saying to find a hobby. If this doesn't work out then you'll still enjoy the hobby anyway.

[mikeylo]

Do you have a job now ? Your reason to move with him was not valid enough,thus the issue.

[whichwayisup]

Phew... you're tough. I love it! You're saying all the things that I'm afraid to think. But I am trying not to be this black and white. This is really the greatest man I've ever met - before we moved in together. I want to make it work, but you're right about, that it will never work if he not willing to make any effort.

 

But thank you for your response. It gave me a lot to think about

 

You're welcome.

 

It's gonna hurt, but you need to make the right decision for yourself regardless of how much you love him. Love sometimes isn't enough.

[devilish innocent]

I have a few different thoughts. First, I'll give my opinion regarding the introversion/needing to spend time alone. I'm an introvert, and while I do love being with my husband in a way that I don't enjoy with anybody else, I also like having time for my solitary hobbies. Thankfully, my husband is the same way. He likes spending time with me, but he also likes time for his solitary hobbies. The amount of time we spend together versus apart works out well for both of us. I can't help wondering if you and your boyfriend just lack compatibility in that regard. I don't know how much actual time you spend together versus apart. But it definitely seems like it bothers you when you have to spend the amount of time apart that he wants, and it bothers him when you have to spend the amount of time together that you want. Have you tried to work out a compromise that's somewhere in the middle, neither giving in to all of the time you want to spend together nor giving in to all of the time he wants to be apart? If you have, and you're both still dissatisfied than it's likely a sign that the two of you are simply incompatible.

 

That leads into my second point. I'm not sure what living apart will solve. It sounds like you want a future with him. That means at some point out you would have to figure out a way to live together that would make you both happy. If you can't do that, then I don't see what the logic would be in continuing your relationship. You would just be temporarily running away from a problem that would come up again later.

 

It also does sound like he might be suffering from some psychologically issue given that his hobbies have changed. It could be depression, stress from work, both, or something different. That's not an issue you can solve for him. Consistently giving a lot more than you're receiving in a relationship is a good way to tire yourself out and grow resentful. Take a break from trying to solve his problems. Encourage him to find ways to help himself by talking to a psychologist or asking for more time off from work. Maybe that will help with your other issues. But if it doesn't than you need to decide if what you have with him is really what you want.

 

Good luck!

[rushed]

I really hope the problem is that simple. But is a mans need for alone-time that bad, if if not met, every other aspect of his live just gets neglected.

He used to be super driven, go boxing and have many projects - but in the end all he could do was netflix and playstation.

 

Is alone-time all he needs to get back on track?

 

Before my now ex-boyfriend moved in with me a few years ago I was doing a lot of things on my own - training for a half marathon, planning all kinds of things for me and my kids, getting ready to go back to school, hanging out with friends. Then when he moved in slowly those things started to die. He just wanted so much of my time and pouted when I would try to do things on my own. I wound up just sitting around doing nothing a lot of the time.

 

My current boyfriend, who is an introvert, gives me all the time I want on my own, encourages me to pursue my own interests, and gives me zero grief about it. I'm so much happier.

 

What behaviors of your boyfriend are bothering you? His inattention to you? His lack of doing chores? Lack of ambition?

[KarenBlackwell]

My husband demands my attention every second we are together if I'm not holding his hand he questions. He is very social and though he won't admit it rather needy. I just like peace and quiet. I could sit and do a puzzle for hours. I like some social interaction but, it can be draining with someone who seems to need constant reassurance. I don't know if this is you but my H doesn't realize he's doing it a lot. However your bf should be helping out as well and if he also wants to make it work should be trying to figure out a way. Eventually you'll have to live together right.

[LoyaltyLoyalty]

Hi everyone, here's an update.

 

I decided to end the relationship (picture me sitting surrounded with empty red wine bottles)

 

He just wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I guess the "stress" and thinking he is an introvert where just excuses.

 

We had been planning to move to a new city, because he got a new job, and then told me, that he was searching for apartments for himself as well as searching for us "to keep his options open".

At that point I lost all the fight I had in me and ended it.

 

Thank you so much for your great insights. It helped me a lot <3

[Els]

Lots of stuff going on here.

 

1. It is generally NOT a good idea for a couple to live in only one room. I don't mean a studio or a one-bedroom apartment, but literally one bedroom in a house with other people as you guys are doing. That would strain most relationships after several months, I would think. It's not a sustainable situation.

 

2. It's also generally not a good idea to move in with someone who hasn't lived alone before.

 

I think you guys should just live separately for the time being and see if the other stuff straightens out.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi everyone, here's an update.

 

I decided to end the relationship (picture me sitting surrounded with empty red wine bottles)

 

He just wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I guess the "stress" and thinking he is an introvert where just excuses.

 

We had been planning to move to a new city, because he got a new job, and then told me, that he was searching for apartments for himself as well as searching for us "to keep his options open".

At that point I lost all the fight I had in me and ended it.

 

Thank you so much for your great insights. It helped me a lot <3

 

Sounds like a very smart decision. Best of luck to you as you move forward.

[Els]

Oops, not sure why I missed the update. Sounds like a good move IMO.

[BaileyB]

Hi everyone, here's an update.

 

I decided to end the relationship (picture me sitting surrounded with empty red wine bottles)

 

He just wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I guess the "stress" and thinking he is an introvert where just excuses.

 

We had been planning to move to a new city, because he got a new job, and then told me, that he was searching for apartments for himself as well as searching for us "to keep his options open".

At that point I lost all the fight I had in me and ended it.

 

Thank you so much for your great insights. It helped me a lot <3

 

I'm sorry that it didn't work out, but it does sound like you made a smart decision. You want to commit to someone who really wants to spend their life with you, not someone who is "keeping their options open." You don't deserve anything less. And, you really don't want to make a huge sacrifice like moving away from your home with someone isn't ready to commit.

 

Best wishes moving forward.