Phoenician Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 Some time back I responded to a great thread : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/557064-why-do-you-love-your-spouse I would like to hear opinion for those who passes through periods of hate to their spouse ... why do you hate your spouse ? my answer is that , because she is not changing since 18 years , while I try to do it for 18 years .... your opinion ? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 Some time back I responded to a great thread : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/557064-why-do-you-love-your-spouse I would like to hear opinion for those who passes through periods of hate to their spouse ... why do you hate your spouse ? my answer is that , because she is not changing since 18 years , while I try to do it for 18 years .... your opinion ? Why hate her, seems like most of that's on you. If someone doesn't make needed changes when given a real chance, then we have to make our own decisions. It's reasonable to give them time, certainly makes sense to spend a year or two trying. But 18 years? That's either your own choice or resistance to change. Are you sure it's her you're angry at? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 I don't hate my spouse. Hate, real hate, is something all consuming. If you aren't consumed over the course of years with obsessive need to plot murder and worse then I am not sure even your feelings rise to the level needed to be defined as hate. I'm not sure I'm ready to dedicate my life to the destruction of another person's life. Probably means I'm a little selfish lol. Do your feelings really rise to that standard? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 8, 2017 Author Share Posted May 8, 2017 Ouch , Well when saying hate her , I didn't really meant HATE , wishing her to disappear ! Let's use another term , like " Not loving her " . Or are all people here in a happy marriage and I am the only black sheep of the family ? ! Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 when you say she hasn't changed what do you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 Ouch , Well when saying hate her , I didn't really meant HATE , wishing her to disappear ! Let's use another term , like " Not loving her " . Or are all people here in a happy marriage and I am the only black sheep of the family ? ! 18 years is a long time...but I feel marriage goes through ups & downs. At one point in my marriage my H emotionally bailed when I needed him the most & it made me not actively love him for a long time. Have you tried therapy? I'm actually interested to see others opinions on this subject bc so many times I read "people don't stay in a marriage with no love" & this posts shows differently. I personally see this more than I don't in marriages, where parents stay for the family aspect more than they do for the actual love for their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 This won't count... But I literally hate my STBXW, hate with a passion. I will never ever ever have any feelings for her than contempt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 I personally see this more than I don't in marriages, where parents stay for the family aspect more than they do for the actual love for their spouse. Certainly agree that happens. But if it's your choice to stay, seems misdirected to blame your spouse for it. All things considered, you did what you thought was best for you... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 This won't count... But I literally hate my STBXW, hate with a passion. I will never ever ever have any feelings for her than contempt. I felt that way about my ex husband, but my feelings have softened over the years and now I feel pity for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedBaron2765 Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 I'm actually interested to see others opinions on this subject bc so many times I read "people don't stay in a marriage with no love" & this posts shows differently. I personally see this more than I don't in marriages, where parents stay for the family aspect more than they do for the actual love for their spouse. This is me - been married 14 years, together 16 years. I certainly don't hate my wife, but I don't love her. I'm only in it for the kids - yes, I know that's not a good reason, but I can't bear the thought of not being around them all of the time, plus want to make sure I'm around as my wife is very immature and insecure, and don't want too much of that to rub off on them. She's also very lazy - beautiful day outside and she'll be sitting on her ass with a computer on her lap while the kids are on iPads (which explains why she's overweight). I don't want the kids to be lumps who just want to play games inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 As my happily married sister has said, "I don't always like my husband but I do always love him." Is that what you mean, OP? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) I have never been married but i know that in long term relationships that my feelings changed because of abuse and deceit, i never disliked them ...i disliked what they did.....I got angry...but then anger was only my way of dealing with the hurt i felt.....i hated feeling angry so i forgave......trust enver reallly returned in full though...and that turned out to be justified.......but i dont hate...not even enemies such a futile and soul destroying emotion is hate....and being in a relationship where i disliked soemone to me seems liek the meaning of a living hell...... my ex who sleeps on my couch we often fight like brother and sister i could never dislike him.....because i know what he has been through in life...i will always be his friend....and if i can put up with his crap..and love him like family....unless someone actually kills me......i wont dislike them...i can however dislike what people do ...i feel if i ever get married i wont be the one who falls out of love....if i married them in the first place..its a life time deal...that deal doesnt include ever disliking them....loyalty and love is easily given when a person is easy to love...the true test and metal of who you are exists when you can be loyal and love them when what they do really sucks......the hardest peopel to love are the ones you should love the most.........deb Edited May 8, 2017 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 8, 2017 Share Posted May 8, 2017 You sound like me Deb. I drove to Baltimore with my son's Dad because he doesn't have a reliable car and would need to take a bus there. He talks so much that I missed three different exits. When we got there he told our son it was a fast trip and my son said "probably not for everyone" because the kid knows his Dad well. It went over the Dad's head because the guy is a total burn out. Still if it were him being evicted or crashing at my house it's a no brainer. I've even told our son as much but told him not to tell his Dad that because I'd rather him live anyplace else first. But yes he is Family. I know exactly what you mean. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 You sound like me Deb. I drove to Baltimore with my son's Dad because he doesn't have a reliable car and would need to take a bus there. He talks so much that I missed three different exits. When we got there he told our son it was a fast trip and my son said "probably not for everyone" because the kid knows his Dad well. It went over the Dad's head because the guy is a total burn out. Still if it were him being evicted or crashing at my house it's a no brainer. I've even told our son as much but told him not to tell his Dad that because I'd rather him live anyplace else first. But yes he is Family. I know exactly what you mean. hey amay ...:0)...family doesnt have to be blood.....i have always believed that....i think we actually attract family....its like part of gods plan to attract those that need us to be family for them..hugs to ya ...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 (edited) Hate is a strong word and still be married. My first wife was very cruel and I dont even hate her. My current wife was selfish and a liar - but the worst term I can use is resentment (and even that is a strong word)...oerhaps lack of love, or loss of parts of love. Regret, disappointment, lack adoration, or more. But I cant even muster hate with all she did, because I know why she did the things she did- like hating a penguin for not being able to fly - its a waste. Edited May 9, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I pity my first wife because she seems determined to completely self destruct but I used to hate her. Hate does nothing but hurt you and not the target of your hatred so I dropped it I could never hate my current wife. Any two people under the same roof will annoy each other every once in a blue moon but she is one of the few people who has my full trust and respect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Hate is a strong word and still be married. My first wife was very cruel and I dont even hate her. My current wife was selfish and a liar - but the worst term I can use is resentment (and even that is a strong word)...oerhaps lack of love, or loss of parts of love. Regret, disappointment, lack adoration, or more. But I cant even muster hate with all she did, because I know why she did the things she did- like hating a penguin for not being able to fly - its a waste. My exWW is a despicable human being, but I don't hate her. Despite all the terrible things she did to me, and the way she has ignored our daughter for years, I still don't hate her. I feel ambivalent towards her, and I pity her, because she lives an empty, shallow life and I believe she is destined to die a very angry and lonely individual. It irritates me that I have to pay her alimony while she basically squanders her life, but that is the price I pay to keep her away from myself and my daughter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 I agree with some opinion that resentment is a better word to describe such a situation ; or lack of love ; actually the only point my resentment is closer to hate is when she hurts our kids ;her laziness and selfishness is destructive to the whole family ,... It is sometimes amazing how human acts in their life; some are happy if they do nothing .. lazy and selfish , and they enjoy their life , but I believe they end up miserable . Others are givers , they would jump out of the bed to serve their kids . When I reach home every day , starving because I didn't have enough time to eat , as well as to save more money and buy my kids their needs ;they come one after another and sometimes fight who will hug daddy first That's what is making me stay ... Obviously The princess is sleeping or relaxing , and warned the kids they shouldn't disturb her for hours .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 When I talked about changing ; I meant that in 18 years I have changed toward a better person ; it is called maturity ... Looking at my wife I can see her , the same lazy , selfish person since after vows ... she didn't change ... she is lazy toward anything related to me or even kids ; if it was only toward me It would have been making some sense. she is a different person if it is related to her ; what she likes , her parents , her friends ..... Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I don't hate my wife. Hate is a very strong emotion and strong word. I actually don't think I hate anybody in this world. Even my former arch nemesis at work who screwed me over and it haunted me for long time. But I somehow recovered and kept the experience as a learning experience in life. In my marriage, I feel more tired and exhansuted and frustrated at how nothing changes and things stay the same. Things have become what they have become and I feel I have no ability to change them or influence them. I feel that every year I get a little weaker and sadder and more moodier. I feel a little bit regret that I married. But at the same time, I also don't feel regret because I got two beautiful children out of the marriage. A lot of my unmarried friends that never had a family seem like they live empty lives. What do I know? I don't think I resent my wife either. I probably resent myself more for not being able to turn into the person she wants me to be. But I can't do it. It would require me giving up every last once of what makes me the individual that I am (or whats left of me). I think I gave up a lot of myself already in the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 When I talked about changing ; I meant that in 18 years I have changed toward a better person ; it is called maturity ... Looking at my wife I can see her , the same lazy , selfish person since after vows ... she didn't change ... she is lazy toward anything related to me or even kids ; if it was only toward me It would have been making some sense. she is a different person if it is related to her ; what she likes , her parents , her friends ..... Have you tried professional counselling.....or would you consider it.....family therapy?...is there anyone you wife talks to or could talk to?......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Looking at my wife I can see her , the same lazy , selfish person since after vows ... Was this marriage by choice? Trying to figure out why you'd marry a "lazy selfish person"... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Was this marriage by choice? Trying to figure out why you'd marry a "lazy selfish person"... Mr. Lucky I can answer that. People change. They may not be home body lazy and selfish. But over time as they get comfortable they become something quite different than what they were when you first met them. (Not that I am saying my wife is lazy and selfish). Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 I don't hate my stbxh. Even with all that we've gone through all the madness and all the pain that is currently going on I don't hate him. He likes to believe and project all his feeling onto me. But no I dont. Because regardless of everything there was love once and because of him I have the two most amazing children, so no don't hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Why do you want to change another person? That is not a healthy approach to a relationship. I think we're supposed to accept them flaws and all. Link to post Share on other sites
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